Changes
by LoisAndClarkSuperfan
Summary: When the judge granted Olivia Benson custody of Baby Noah, she knew her life would never be the same, but she couldn't even begin to understand how this one small blessing could lead to so many other changes in her life. (Takes place after the season 15 finale) Rated M for future chapters.
1. Chapter 1

**This is my first fanfic for Law&Order SVU. The show has been a favorite of mine for years, and this story has been floating around in my head for a while. After the finale, I knew I had to write it. I tend to write pretty long stories, but I never abandon them. This one is all sketched out, so there is an end in sight, even if it will take me a while to get there. I promise to update as often as I can. I always try to stay as true to the actual show as possible, but I admit I'm not perfect so I hope people will be kind in their reviews. Thanks!**

**Disclaimer: Obviously I own nothing. I am just a loyal fan of the show with a very active imagination.**

"Oh my gosh…" Amanda Rollins grinned and grabbed the baby's chubby little fingers, holding them in her own. "He's so cute."

"Thanks," Olivia Benson forced a smile as she pulled her new son's hand away from the detective, Within minutes the whole squad had surrounded her. She carefully picked the eight month old up out of the stroller and held him close to her. He leaned his head on her shoulder, and the love she felt for him was like nothing she'd ever felt before. She rubbed his back and kissed him gently on the cheek, "It's okay sweetie," she whispered.

"Can I hold him?" Nick Amaro looked at his partner and raised his hands to take the little boy.

Olivia shook her head no, a little too anxiously. "He's scared, Nick," she tried to explain. "He's not used to being around so many people." She put one hand on the stroller and began pushing it away from the others in the squad room, "I'm gonna lay him down in my office. He needs to take his nap, but maybe later," she looked apologetically at her fellow officers and headed straight for her office.

Olivia put her son back in his stroller and covered him with a soft blue blanket. She didn't want to take her eyes off of him. Ever since the judge had asked her if she was interested in taking the baby, her life had changed in ways she never could have imagined. For the last month she'd been content to stay at home with him, learning more and more everyday about how to care for someone so small and completely dependent on her. It wasn't until she received a call a week earlier informing her that she had to choose to take an actual maternity leave and risk losing her position as commanding officer of the unit or come back right away and do her job that she realized the dilemma she faced. She didn't want to come back so soon because she didn't feel like she'd had enough time with the baby, but she didn't want to let her friends down either, and quite honestly she liked being C.O. She'd worked hard for it. She deserved it.

She was brought back from her thoughts by a soft tap on the door. Looking up, she smiled and motioned for Fin to open the door. "Welcome back," he said with a smile and walked over, hugging her close. "I wasn't sure you were coming back," he said honestly, glancing at the baby boy who had fallen back to sleep. "This place isn't the same without you."

"Hey, you know I can't stay away from here," she laughed a little, thinking just how close she'd come to deciding not to come back. "Fill me in," she said with a sigh. "What have I missed?"

"Not much," Fin shrugged. "Typical cases, same disgusting perps. Nothing new around here. Amaro is keeping his nose clean, staying out of trouble…for once. Amanda seems to be doing fine."

"What about you?" Olivia asked.

"I've got nothing to complain about," Fin laughed. The baby began to fuss and Fin reached over and picked him up, cradling him in his arms. "Hey Noah," he cooed at the little boy. "Your mom is busy today. You have to be a good boy."

Olivia smiled, reaching into the diaper bag for her son's bottle and handing it to her friend who placed it gently in the boy's mouth, quieting his cries. "You're pretty good with babies, huh?" she asked. "Who would've thought?"

"I've done my time," Fin smiled. Then he looked more serious, "You know you can't keep him here, right?" He scanned her face, trying to read her reaction. "He's too much of a distraction, and not just for you. For all of us. We can't spend the whole day fawning over the baby…we have work to do."

"I know that," her words were sharp, but she knew he was right. She closed her eyes, "I'm not keeping him here. I just…" tears filled her eyes and she tried to hold them back. "I just love him so much. I don't want to be away from him."

"I know," Fin replied sincerely, as he looked down at the hungry baby sucking his bottle. "He knows you love him."

"Does he?" Olivia asked seriously. "Because I've only had him a month and I feel like I've already screwed up more things than not."

"That's because you're a new mom," Fin assured her. "All new parents make mistakes. But trust me, this little guy knows you're his mama and he knows you love him."

Olivia wiped her tears and forced a smile. "Thanks," she sighed. "I called an agency yesterday. They are supposed to have some nannies call me today, so I promise, he won't be coming with me every day."

"A nanny…well la de da," Fin teased as he placed the now sleeping baby back in his stroller.

"I can't put him in daycare," Olivia explained. "Not with my crazy hours. I don't have any family to watch him. A nanny is my only choice."

"I know," Fin stood up and hugged her once more. "I was just messing with you. I'm sure you'll find a terrific nanny to take care of the little guy." He glanced over at the sleeping baby once more, "And until then, we'll love having him here."


	2. Chapter 2

"I'm leaving for a while," Olivia swung the diaper bag over her shoulder and pushed the stroller toward the door. "Call my cell if you need me."

"Where are you going?" Nick asked eagerly. She'd only been back for three hours and she was already leaving. As much as he knew motherhood could change a person, this wasn't like Olivia at all. "Fin and Rollins are bringing in a guy for questioning on that rape case last night. I was hoping you'd sit in on the questioning."

"Nick," Olivia sighed. "I'll be back as soon as I can." She looked down at her son. "I have to meet with a possible nanny for Noah. The agency called and they could only find one person willing to work for what I can afford to pay. She's supposed to meet me in the park in thirty minutes...neutral ground, you know, " She looked pleadingly at him, "I have to do this today. I can't keep bringing him here with me."

"Yeah, of course…go," Nick nodded. "Good luck."

"Thanks," Olivia pushed her son's stroller through the door, knowing she had let Nick down. It seemed no matter what she did lately, it was the wrong thing.

A while later, Olivia pushed the stroller into the park and over to a bench. She sat down, trying to decide whether or not to take Noah out of the stroller. He loved the baby swings, but she knew she couldn't really interview the nanny and play with her son at the same time. So she faced his stroller toward her and pulled out a few of his favorite toys. The little boy grinned as he chewed on the plastic keys. "We'll play in a while, okay sweetie?" she stroked his brown hair with her fingers.

She pulled out the resume and application the agency had faxed to her earlier that day. The nanny looked promising: Maureen O'Malley, age 29, with a Master's in child development from Hudson University. She couldn't help but wonder why someone with this woman's qualifications would be willing to work for what she had to pay. She knew there were plenty of couples in Manhattan with more to offer. She'd been told as much by the agency. So that, along with the many things she'd seen on the job over the years made her question this woman before she'd even met her. Maybe it was time for her to admit she'd never really trust anyone with her little boy.

"Olivia?" the voice was soft and Olivia glanced up at the blonde with wide eyes. "I can't believe it," the young woman sat next to her. "When the agency called me…I just assumed they were sending me to meet a different Olivia Benson."

"Maureen?" Olivia didn't know what to say. She looked at her ex-partner's daughter, now a grown woman and the shock left her speechless. "What are you doing here?"

"The agency called me," Maureen said matter-of-factly. "About the nanny job. They said you were looking for someone right away and that I should meet with you as soon as possible."

Olivia nodded, "Of course…I'm sorry," she lifted the resume and bit her lip as she glanced at it. "I just didn't realize it was you. The name…you know?"

"My married name…O'Malley," Maureen said gently.

"I didn't know you'd gotten married," Olivia admitted, realizing just how long it had been since she'd spoken to her ex-partner or seen his family. She'd loved them, and it made her sad to admit she'd been cut out of their lives so easily.

"My husband left me last year. He was cheating on me with his secretary," Maureen said sadly. "We had been living in D.C., but after he filed for divorce, I just couldn't stay there. I brought my daughter and moved back home."

"You have a daughter?" Olivia asked.

Maureen smiled, "Kate…she's 1 ½."

"Kate," Olivia smiled.

"After Kathleen died…it just felt right, you know?" Maureen's face saddened.

Olivia's heart jumped. She wasn't sure why she hadn't heard about Kathleen and it broke her heart. Tears stung her eyes, "Kathleen…died? When?"

"Right before Kate was born," Maureen said softly. "I'm sorry Olivia. I thought you knew. I thought Dad would've told you."

Olivia shook her head, "I haven't spoken to him since the day he left." She cleared her throat. "How…how did she die?" She had to ask, even though in her heart she knew the girl had succumb to her mental illness.

"She moved to California right after I got married," Maureen explained sadly. "She had this idea that if she just left New York she could start her life over. It didn't work though and she quit taking her meds, turned to drugs and alcohol. She overdosed."

"God Maureen," Olivia gasped as she tried to hold back her tears. "I'm just so sorry. I wish I had known…"

Maureen forced a smile and looked down at Noah who had given up playing with his keys and was sucking the nose of a teddy bear, "So, who is this little guy?" she asked, changing the subject. "He's what…about eight months?"

"Yes," Olivia smiled and picked the baby up from the stroller. "This is my son, Noah." She brushed the tears from her eyes, relieved that Maureen had changed the subject. "He's the reason I need a nanny," she forced a chuckle.

"He's beautiful," Maureen smiled at the baby. "I can't believe you have a baby."

"I feel the same way sometimes," Olivia laughed. Then she turned more serious, "Are you sure you want to be his nanny? I know I'm not offering much…"

Maureen nodded, "Would you mind if I brought Kate with my while I'm watching him?" she asked. "That's why I'm willing to work for less. I want a job where I can still be with my daughter. A lot of people don't want a nanny with her own child in tow. They think I'll split my focus…but I won't. I promise…Noah will be in good hands."

"I know he will," Olivia handed her son to Maureen. She took the baby and smiled while Noah giggled. "He likes you already."

"He has good taste," Maureen teased. Then she handed the little boy back to his mother. "I can stop by tonight and we can talk more about hours and things…if that's okay."

"Sure," Olivia scribbled her address on a piece of paper and handed it to Maureen, then carefully put the baby back in the stroller. She looked at her watch, "I have to get back anyway." She stood up and started walking away, but then turned back around, "Maureen?" she asked. "How are your parents doing?" She hadn't planned to ask, but after hearing about Kathleen she couldn't help but wonder about Elliot and Kathy. Losing their child had to be the most devastating thing they'd ever gone through.

"They're okay," Maureen said seriously. "Dad's still living in the house in Queens. Kate and I are living there with him. Mom moved to Jersey with Eli last year. She just got remarried."

"Remarried?" Olivia asked.

Maureen nodded, "Dad wasn't too thrilled with the guy, but even he has to admit Mom's much happier now. Plus he gets Eli every weekend and since he's not working so much I swear he spends more time with him than he ever did with us when we were growing up. The divorce was probably the best thing that could've happened to him."

"Is he happy?" Olivia felt the words escape her lips and she instantly regretted them.

Maureen shrugged, "As happy as he can be, I guess. He loves being a grandpa." She smiled. "He's watching Kate for me right now."

Olivia smiled, "That's great. She's a lucky little girl."

"I'll bring her with me tonight," Maureen offered. "So you can meet her while we discuss everything about the nanny job."

"I'd love to meet her," Olivia said honestly. Then she sighed, "Maureen, maybe you shouldn't tell your dad that you are going to be working for me. I'm not sure he would like it…"

"It's okay, Olivia," Maureen reached out and hugged her. "This can stay between us for now. I understand."

Olivia nodded and walked away, unsure how Maureen could understand when she didn't understand it herself.

**More soon! I promise...**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello everyone! Thanks for the nice reviews. I promise there is more plot to this story. I just have to build some background first. Here is a little more. Enjoy!**

"That's my good boy," Olivia smiled at her son, sitting in his highchair with baby food on his face. The baby giggled and reached for the spoon his mother held firmly in her hand. Olivia had convinced herself that he was a genius for trying to grab the spoon and feed himself, but then she'd read it was common at eight to nine months. She lifted the spoon to his mouth and he took another bite before spitting it out to signal he was done eating. Olivia wiped his face and picked him up, carrying him into the living room. Maureen would be there soon and she wanted to be ready for their meeting.

She pulled out the resume again, placing Noah in his play pen and sat on the sofa reading through it. Maureen was a bright girl and she had a lot of education. Besides that, she was Elliot's daughter. She couldn't think of anyone else she'd rather entrust with the care of her son. A quick knock on the door brought her to her feet. She looked out the peep hole, then unlocked the numerous locks she'd had installed on the front door. "Hi," she smiled at Maureen, standing before her carrying a small girl with blonde curls and piercing blue eyes. "Come on in."

Maureen walked in and glanced at Noah, playing in his play pen. "Do you mind?" she asked. Wondering if she could put her daughter in the play pen with Noah.

"Of course not," Olivia agreed. "Go ahead." She looked on as Noah tried to sum up the little girl. He wasn't used to other children. "She's precious," Olivia looked in awe at the little girl…Elliot's granddaughter, and looked for a glimpse of her ex-partner in the child's face. She definitely had his eyes.

The little girl grabbed Noah's teddy bear and held it close, and Noah responded with tears. He wasn't used to sharing with other children either. "Kate…" Maureen rushed over to the play pen. "That's Noah's teddy."

"No Mama…" the little girl cuddled the bear. "Mine."

"It's okay," Olivia insisted. "Noah has to learn to share."

Maureen looked at Olivia and smiled, "And Kate needs to learn not to take things. She's older. She has to learn to get along with the baby," She grabbed the bear from the sobbing girl and handed it back to Noah. "Kate…if you want to play with Noah, you have to be nice. You can't take his things." She pulled her daughter's own stuffed bear from her bag and handed it to her. Both children seemed content with that and played happily, mostly on their own and ignoring one another.

After an hour, it seemed Olivia and Maureen had reached an agreement about money and hours. Maureen agreed to watch Noah during the day and to stay late if Olivia couldn't get away from work. Olivia agreed to let Maureen bring Kate with her every day. She even offered to let them stay with her on late nights so Maureen wouldn't have to drive back to Queens.

"I'll be here first thing in the morning," Maureen promised, as she picked her daughter up from the play pen. "I really think this is going to be great."

"Me too," Olivia agreed. "Thank you so much. I was really worried about finding someone I could trust to take care of Noah."

Maureen smiled and looked at her daughter, "Say bye-bye to Olivia," she coaxed the small girl.

"Bye-bye," the tired child waved her hand and then lay her head on her mother's shoulder.

"Bye Precious," Olivia waved back at her and sighed.

"We need to get home," Maureen said to Olivia. "Dad's probably wondering where we are." She kissed her daughter on the cheek, "Let's go see Poppy," she said and the girl smiled and giggled. Maureen waved good-bye as Olivia watched them walk down the hall and closed the door. She laughed to herself at the thought of someone calling Elliot Stabler "Poppy" and yet there was something so endearing about it that she longed to watch him play with his little granddaughter. She looked over at her son, nearly falling asleep in his play pen and reached down to carefully pick him up.

"Come on little one," she kissed him gently on the cheek. "It's time for your bath and bedtime." She walked over and carefully locked all the locks on her door, then took Noah to the bathroom for his bath.


	4. Chapter 4

Over the next few months, everything seemed to fall into a routine that was manageable for everyone. Olivia worked until 6:00 most nights, getting home by 6:30 so Maureen could go home to Queens. She usually had at least one late night during the week, but really tried not to make it too late and so far Maureen and Kate had only stayed over once when Olivia ended up stuck at the station overnight in the middle of a kidnapping case. Olivia had to admit that she wanted to be home with her son more than she wanted to be working half the night, and she really appreciated that the rest of her coworkers recognized that and helped her as much as they could.

Maureen was grateful too. She was able to spend time with her daughter, and Noah was a very good baby. At eleven months he was crawling everywhere and pulling himself up on the furniture and she loved telling Olivia about all of her son's new accomplishments at the end of the day. She also felt blessed that Kate could have a friend close to her age and the two children seemed to be getting along really well and learning from one another. They were almost like brother and sister, and since neither of them were likely to have a sibling, Maureen felt their relationship was special. Each night when they went home, Kate would sit on her grandfather's lap and babble about little Noah. Luckily her words were not very clear, typical for a twenty month old, and Elliot never seemed suspicious when she mentioned Olivia or Noah. Maureen simply told him she was working for a single mother in Manhattan and he hadn't asked much more than that. She didn't want to lie to him though. She wished things were better between him and Olivia because she knew how much her father missed his ex-partner. Their friendship had been so strong that Maureen couldn't help but wonder what had come between them. She wanted to ask her father, but he always clammed up at the mention of Olivia's name. She had finally given up on trying. She could tell Olivia was hurt by whatever had happened, but she hadn't had the nerve to ask her about it either. So for now, she just avoided mentioning one in front of the other and hoped things didn't come to a head.

Olivia rushed through the door a little after seven, "I'm so sorry," she explained. "I didn't think I'd be this late." She knew Maureen was planning to take Kate to her mother's for a few days and needed to get on the road. Olivia had even taken the next two days off of work so Maureen could enjoy the time with Kathy, but preparing to be gone for a couple of days made it impossible to get out of work on time. She looked at Noah, who was crawling toward her and smiled. "There's my favorite guy." She picked him up and kissed him and the little boy giggled happily.

"I already fed him," Maureen said as she packed up Kate's things, anxious to get started on her trip. She grabbed her daughter by the hand and the little girl walked with her to the door, stopping to hug Olivia before she left.

Olivia knelt down, Noah in her arms, and hugged the little girl close to her, "Bye Precious…have fun with your grandma." Then she hugged Maureen, "Drive safely," she smiled. "I really am sorry about being so late."

"Its fine," Maureen insisted. "We have plenty of time." She opened the door, "Enjoy your two days with Noah." She waved as they walked down the hall.

"Well, looks like it's just the two of us," Olivia kissed her son one more time. Then she sat down on the floor with him and rolled his soft toy truck back and forth. The baby loved when she made noises to go with his truck and it made her smile to see him so happy. She'd missed him all day. Their play was interrupted by an urgent knock at the door and Olivia quickly put her son in his play pen. "Who could that be?" she asked as she looked through the peep hole, surprised to see Maureen standing in the hall holding Kate. She unlocked the door quickly, "What's wrong?" she asked as they stepped back into the apartment.

"My car won't start," Maureen explained with frustration. "I think the battery is dead, but I don't have jumper cables with me." She looked at her watch, knowing she was probably not going to make it to her mother's that night. "I called Dad," she could see the color fade from Olivia's face and knew she'd better explain quickly. "I told him not to come to the apartment…just to call my cell when he got here. You won't have to see him, Olivia. I promise."

Olivia nodded, "It's okay. Of course you called him. It's fine," she cleared her throat. "You know…I have jumper cables. I can jump your car."

"I didn't know that," Maureen replied honestly. "I'm sorry…"

Olivia forced a smile. She knew Maureen felt guilty for calling Elliot because she knew Olivia didn't want to see him. "It's fine," she assured her. "I'll just jump your car, and you call your dad and tell him he doesn't have to make the drive in from Queens. Okay?"

Maureen nodded and dialed the phone as they made their way down to the car. Within minutes the car was running and Maureen and Kate were on their way to Kathy's. She couldn't reach her father, but she'd left him a message telling him her car was fine and he didn't need to come. She figured he'd check it on the way and turn around to go back home.

Olivia, back in the apartment, gave Noah a bath and put him to bed. Then she decided to take a shower and curl up in front of the TV…something she seemed to have very little time for. She emerged from the bathroom, wrapped in her blue terrycloth bathrobe with her hair pulled up into a plush, white towel when she heard a knock on the door. It was more of a pounding than a knock and she rushed to the door, worried that whoever it was would wake up the baby. "Hold on!" she yelled as she made her way to the door. She hoped Maureen hadn't had more car trouble. She looked through the peep hole and gasped. It took a while to find her voice, and when she spoke she realized it came out nervous and weak, "What do you want?" she asked.

"I'm looking for my daughter," Elliot replied from the other side of the door, a hint of frustration and worry in his voice. "Maureen…she works here, right? She called me. Her car broke down. She asked me not to bother you, and I'm sorry, but she's not downstairs and I don't even see her car. I need to find her."

"She already left," Olivia decided if she didn't open the door, she'd never have to face him and things could go back to normal, "We jumped the car and it was fine. She called you."

"My cell phone died," he replied. He wondered why this woman wouldn't open the door. Maureen had told him she was a single mother, so maybe she was just worried about a strange man coming to the door, "I used to be a cop," he offered. "I swear. Could I just use your phone to call Maureen and make sure she is on her way to her mother's…that they're not on the side of the road somewhere?" he sighed. "You can just hand it to me through the door. I don't have to come in."

Olivia closed her eyes. She didn't know what to do. She wanted open the door and confront him and run away both at the same time. She had to admit it was a good idea to call and check on Maureen and Kate though, so how could she tell him no? She slowly unlocked the various locks on her door.

"Overprotective _and_ scared…" Elliot shook his head and mumbled under his breath as he heard the different locks clicking. Finally the door opened, and he smiled determined to make the woman feel at ease. He looked up and stared into her face, the smile quickly vanishing without a trace. "Liv?" his voice was a whisper.

She didn't say a word to him. She didn't know what to say. She just turned around and grabbed the phone, handing it to him so he could call and check on his daughter.

**Special thanks to everyone who has taken time to review this story! It definitely motivates me to keep going. :) More soon...**


	5. Chapter 5

"I just wanted to make sure you're okay," Elliot had turned away from Olivia as he spoke softly into the phone. Olivia listened, trying to seem as if she wasn't completely uncomfortable by his presence. "I know…" she heard him say. "I know you said not to come up to the apartment…" He sighed, "I love you, too. Kiss Katiebug for me." Olivia smiled instinctively at the endearing nickname Elliot had given his granddaughter. He hung up the phone and laid it on the table.

"Are they okay?" She forced herself to speak.

Elliot turned to look at her, "Yeah…they'll be at Kathy's before long." He looked at her, dressed in her robe with her hair still up in the towel. "I better get home," he said nervously. "You look like you're ready for bed."

Suddenly Olivia was aware of how she looked and pulled the towel off her head, letting her hair hang in damp ringlets around her face. "Don't leave…" she couldn't believe how anxiously the words came from her mouth. Why was she asking him to stay? She hadn't heard from him in over three years and nothing had changed to make him want to talk to her now, but surprisingly he sat down on the sofa and stared at her, as if he expected her to say something profound. She sat across from him, perched on the arm of a chair and forced a smile, "It's been a long time…"

Elliot nodded and looked around the room, "I didn't know you'd moved." The small talk was painful. "This is a nice place. Really nice…"

"Brian and I moved here last year," she informed him.

"Brian?" he asked, surprised. He'd never imagined Olivia getting that close to anyone and he couldn't help but wonder about this guy.

"Cassidy…" Olivia explained. "You remember him, right?"

Elliot snickered, "That dumbass," he rolled his eyes. "_Really_ Liv?"

"Don't talk about him like that!" Olivia defended her ex. "He's a good guy. He was here for me through a lot…things you couldn't even imagine. So just don't…"

"I'm sorry…" Elliot replied. "I should never…" he cleared his throat. "Where is he? I should at least say hello."

Olivia closed her eyes and took a deep breath, "He moved out…six months ago. We couldn't make it work."

"Oh…" Elliot understood. Olivia could never make it work with anyone and he never knew why, but he had to admit he was relieved by it.

Suddenly Noah's cries could be heard from the other room, interrupting their conversation. "Great…" Olivia sighed and wondered how her son had managed to sleep so long anyway. Between the pounding on the door, and the strange voice in the apartment, he was bound to wake up. "Let me get the baby…"

Elliot's eyes widened, "You have a _baby_?" he asked in disbelief.

Olivia stopped on her way to Noah's room and rolled her eyes, "Maureen is my nanny…you know that, right?"

Elliot knew he should have realized she had a child, but when he saw Olivia standing at the door he had been so shocked he'd forgotten everything else. To him, he was looking at the person he'd left behind three years earlier and he hadn't noticed that her life had gone on without him. He shook his head, "I'm sorry…of course It's a boy…right? Noah...Kate talks about him all the time." He watched her walk down the hall toward the nursery and sighed, "A baby…" he whispered to himself. Then he followed her.

Noah was standing in his crib, grabbing the side rails, with his face red from crying. Olivia picked him up and held him close, "It's okay…Mommy's here." She kissed him and sat with him in the rocking chair.

Elliot stood in the doorway, watching Olivia cuddle her son and he couldn't help but smile. He knew better than anyone how much she had longed for this. How she'd thought it would never happen for her. It made his heart melt to see her with her own child to love, "He's beautiful, Liv," he smiled. "He looks just like you."

"Thanks," Olivia smiled. She could have explained that Noah was adopted, but lately a lot of people had commented on how much the little boy looked like her. His big brown eyes and dark hair were enough to convince them that they were biologically connected. She'd decided no one really needed to know that she hadn't given birth to the baby boy. She was his mother…and he looked like her…that was all that mattered.

"How old is he?" Elliot noticed that the baby had calmed down immediately when Olivia began to rock him and was almost back to sleep.

Olivia held the baby close to her, "He's eleven months." She stood to put him back in his crib.

"Big birthday next month, huh?" Elliot asked. "First birthdays are really for the parents, not the kids, but it's a lot of fun." He looked more serious, "Is Brian coming…for his son's birthday?"

Olivia realized Elliot had assumed Brian was her son's father, and reasonably so. She was tempted to let him think it, but then decided that it wasn't fair to Brian or Noah. "Brian isn't Noah's father…" she explained.

"What?" Elliot asked in disbelief. "You said he left six months ago…"

"Not that it is any of your business," Olivia said with frustration. "But I wanted a baby and Brian didn't." She motioned for him to follow her out of the nursery and that sat in the living room. "We thought I was pregnant…Brian was so upset about it." She found herself pouring her heart out in a way she never did with anyone other than her therapist. "He didn't want a baby…not now. He thought we were too old…he liked his freedom…he was panicked." She sighed, "It turned out I _wasn't_ pregnant. The doctor said I was probably starting perimenopause…that I probably can't have a baby. I think Brian was relieved when I told him that." She felt tears stinging her eyes and fought to hold them back. "But I didn't want to give up my dream…so we split up."

"But you have Noah," Elliot reminded her.

Olivia nodded and forced a smile, "Yeah…I found him. On a case. God…I loved him the second I saw him. He was in foster care for a while, but when his birth mother died, the judge asked if I was interested in adopting him. He's my miracle baby."

Elliot nodded, "I guess so…I'm happy for you. But really, Liv…he looks _just_ like you. I can't believe he's adopted."

"It doesn't matter that I didn't give birth to him," Olivia insisted. "I could never love anyone else the way I love him. He's perfect…I'm so lucky…I never knew I could love someone this much, El. I couldn't live without him."

Elliot looked toward the door, "I should go. It's late."

Olivia noticed his demeanor change. When they had been talking about Noah, Elliot had seemed almost like his old self, but now he was sullen and eager to get away from her. Suddenly she realized that while she had been going on about not being able to live without her son, Elliot was probably thinking about losing Kathleen. She wasn't sure if she should bring it up or not, but she knew she didn't want him to leave. "You can't go," she insisted. "You owe me an explanation. Don't just walk out on me again." She pleaded. "Please…"

Elliot took a deep breath, nodding toward the kitchen, "Do you have beer?" he asked.

"I have wine," Olivia grinned.

Elliot couldn't help but laugh, "I guess that's better than the flowery tea you used to drink." The he turned serious, "If we're gonna talk…really talk…" he took a deep breath, "I'm gonna need a drink." He followed her into the kitchen, and Olivia felt her pulse race. She didn't have any idea what she'd gotten herself into, and now she was scared half to death.

**I'm so sorry it took me so long to update. I really appreciate all the reviews and those who are following/favoriting the story. It means a lot to me. Definitely motivation to continue. :) More soon...**


	6. Chapter 6

Olivia brought the wine bottle into the living room, and Elliot followed with the wine glasses, sitting them on the table. She opened the bottle, realizing she hadn't had a drink since she'd brought Noah home and wishing she didn't feel like she needed one now, but she had to agree with Elliot. If they were going to seriously talk, the drink might help. She poured a glass for each of them and handed one to Elliot who sat on the sofa and took a big sip. It took a moment for her to decide whether to sit next to him or in the chair across from him, eventually sinking down in the chair and pulling her legs up under her. She was still in her robe and was becoming increasingly self-conscious about it, but if she left to change they might never go through with the conversation and she needed this talk. It was three years coming and she wasn't letting him leave without an explanation.

"So…what do you want to know?" Elliot asked matter-of-factly.

Olivia sipped her wine and thought about the question. What did she want to know? Why had he left her without saying a word? Why hadn't he returned her phone calls? Why did he give up twelve years of friendship in the blink of an eye? Did he know how much he meant to her…how much he still meant to her after all this time despite her efforts to push those feelings aside? She looked at him, embarrassed by the single tear that was sliding down her cheek, "Are you okay?" she asked gently. "Because…I just don't understand…"

"God Liv, do _not_ start crying…just _don't_," he sat the wine glass on the table and stood up, "I can't do this. I have to go…"

"No!" she stood to her feet, grabbing his shoulder, "You don't get to walk away from me this time. Do you understand me? Sit your stubborn ass down!" She knew she shouldn't be yelling and for a second she was worried they'd wake the baby up again, but if felt so good to finally face him that she wasn't letting him go without hearing her out. He jerked his arm away from her, but sat and picked up the wine glass, downing the rest of it in one gulp and grabbing the bottle to pour another. "Why didn't you tell me about Kathleen?" she asked.

Elliot shook his head, "Don't mention her…" he took another drink.

"Maureen told me…about the overdose," she sighed. "You could've called. You should've called, El. I loved her too…"

"I know you did," Elliot's voice was low and dark. "I couldn't call you…not after so long. It had been over year…"

"I wouldn't have cared how long it had been, El," Olivia replied gently. "You know I would've been there for you…for Kathy…for the kids…"

Elliot sighed, "Maureen took it harder than anyone. She was pregnant and her husband was cheating…then Kathleen died. I thought for a while we might lose her too." He downed his second glass of wine and quickly poured another. "I…I didn't want to live either…not at that point. Lizzie and Dick, they were in college and didn't come home much. I know they were hurting too, but they didn't show it as much. Eli was only in kindergarten…I'm still not sure he understands." He looked at Olivia, his eyes rimmed in red from the stinging tears he was attempting to hold back, "It was all my fault…"

"El…she was sick," Olivia spoke softly. "You know that…"

"She left because of me…because of what I did," Elliot argued. "That's why Kathy left me. After Kathleen died…she couldn't even look at me anymore."

Olivia couldn't believe for a second that Elliot had done anything to cause his daughter's death. She knew he blamed himself, but it couldn't be his fault. "What do you think you did?"

"I broke her heart," he let himself cry, and Olivia wasn't sure what to say. It was rare to see him so emotional and while she longed to hold him and comfort him, their time apart made the situation awkward and she didn't want to overstep her bounds.

"El…whatever you did…" Olivia whispered, "I'm sure she forgave you. She had to know you didn't mean it."

"I told her I was in love with you," Elliot admitted. "And I meant it. And I'll never forgive myself."


	7. Chapter 7

His words took her by surprise and she wasn't sure how to react. "Why did you tell her that?" she asked slowly. She poured a second glass of wine for herself, knowing it was probably a mistake but longing for the calming effect.

He looked up at her, "She asked me. I should've lied. God…why didn't I just lie?" He put his head in his hands and Olivia stood up and walked over to the sofa, sitting next to him.

"El…I don't understand. Why would Kathleen ask you that?" her voice shook. She put her hand on his back and he looked up at her. The pain in his eyes was heartbreaking and she wanted to turn away but couldn't. "Just tell me what happened."

"My last day at SVU…the day I shot Jenna," he forced himself to clear his throat and brushed away his tears, still fully aware of Olivia's hand gently caressing his back. "I didn't meant to do it. Just in the moment…there was no choice, Liv. She shot up the whole station…I grabbed my gun. I thought I could talk her into dropping hers, but she wouldn't. When she shot Sister Peg, I knew I had no choice. She could've killed any one of us. She could've killed _you_…"

Olivia nodded knowingly, "I remember…it wasn't your fault. IAB didn't treat you fairly. We all know that."

"I don't give a damn about those assholes," Elliot insisted. "I killed a teenage girl. A girl who'd lost her mother…someone we were supposed to be helping."

"But you _didn't_ have a choice," Olivia reminded him. "She killed a lot of people, El."

He shook his head, "There's always a choice." He downed his latest glass of wine and exhaled deeply, "That night I went home and Kathy was trying to get inside my head, find out how I was feeling…like she always did…and I just lost it. Liv, I said things to her…things I'm ashamed of. Things I never should have said." He put his hands to head, rubbing his temples while Olivia moved her hand from his back to his shoulder, giving it a delicate squeeze.

"It's okay," she said softly.

"No…it's not!" he stood up and began pacing back and forth. "I told her I didn't love her. I told her the only reason I was still with her was because she got pregnant with Eli. That the only reason I married her in the first place was because I got her pregnant with Maureen."

"El…" Olivia tried to reason with him, but he wouldn't listen.

"Don't…you can't make me feel better about this, Liv." He shook his head. "I don't deserve to." He stopped pacing and looked down at her. "I ran out of the house and drove off…Kathleen followed me. I drove to your apartment. I wanted to see _you_…to talk to you and make sure you were okay after everything that happened."

Olivia shook her head, "But you didn't come up…"

"Because Kathleen followed me," he continued. "Before I could even get out of the car, she jumped in on the passenger's side. She said her mother was crying and hurt…asked how I could hurt her like that. I told her it wasn't her concern, but she just kept asking me…didn't I love Kathy and didn't I care about our family? She asked me why I wouldn't talk to them about what I was feeling and why I always come running to you. She asked if I was cheating on her mother with you…So I told her…"

"You told her _what_?" Olivia asked.

He sat back down next to her and looked her in the eyes, "I told her that no one understood me like you do. That I loved you…and I needed to talk to _you_ that night…not Kathy…and if that was cheating, then _yeah_…I was cheating on her mother."

"We _never_ did anything wrong," Olivia insisted. "You _know _that…" she had tears in her eyes thinking of Kathleen and how hurt she must have been thinking she and Elliot had been together.

_"I_ did," he insisted. "I didn't love my wife…not as much as I loved you. I would've died for you, Liv. I'm not sure I would have for Kathy." His words were honest and raw. She didn't know how to respond, so she didn't. "Kathleen said she hated me. She said she wasn't going to let me treat her mom that way. She got out of the car and went home, and then I didn't have the guts to come to your apartment. So I went back home." He reached for the wine bottle, but Olivia grabbed it from his hands.

"I think you've had enough," she said with a sad seriousness.

"I don't," he grabbed it from her and poured the last of it into his glass, drinking it in one fast gulp. "When I got home…Kathy didn't even say anything. The next day, Kathleen stopped taking her medication. She said she didn't need to feel normal if I was going to screw everyone around anyway. I tried to talk to her. Hell, I even tried to have my mom talk to her. Nothing worked. And when you were calling me…wanting to talk…wanting to know if I was alright. Kathleen saw your name pop up on my cell, and she flipped out calling you a whore and saying I was using her mother. Kathy said maybe I should just move out, but I knew if I did she'd never let me see Eli. I just couldn't face you while I was dealing with that. Cragen kept calling me and telling me IAB wanted me to get help with my anger issues and finally I just told him to go to hell and I turned in my papers."

Olivia nodded. She remembered the day Cragen had told her Elliot wasn't coming back. The day she'd locked herself in the interrogation room, sobbing at the loss of the only person she'd ever been able to rely on.

"I couldn't call you, Liv," he explained as truthfully as he could. "I don't even know why. I just felt guilty about Kathleen stopping her meds because of what I'd said…and I'd hurt Kathy…I didn't want to face you. I knew if I told you I wasn't coming back that you'd look at me with those big brown eyes and I'd know I hurt you too…I couldn't do it. And after a while, it was just too long. I knew you were better off. I'd made you the other woman in my mind for too long, and never even admitted to you that I loved you. You deserved better. Kathy deserved better. My kids deserved better." He grabbed her wine glass off the table, drinking the last of it as well and wishing he had more. "Maureen got married to a jerk and moved to D.C. Kathleen ran off to California, saying she could be herself there and wouldn't have to face me. The twins were busy with college. Kathy wouldn't speak to me. I was alone…and that was what I deserved."

"You didn't deserve to be alone," she took his hand and squeezed it tight. "People make mistakes."

"The LAPD called and said they found Kathleen…" he began to sob, slow and painful cries. "We brought her body home and buried her. Kathy…I've never seen her in so much pain. There was no way she'd ever forgive me. I would never have expected her to. She moved to Jersey, filed for divorce, and took Eli. She said she wasn't going to let me screw up another kid."

"You didn't screw up Kathleen," Olivia cried. "And you didn't kill her. She was sick. She needed help and refused to get it. She didn't take her meds and she was an adult. You couldn't make her." She squeezed his hand tighter and used her other hand to brush away the tears staining his cheeks. "I understand why you couldn't call me. It's okay."

He looked at the pain in her eyes and it broke his heart, the way he'd known it would. "I have to get home," he insisted as he pulled his hand away from hers.

"You can't drive," she argued. "You've had way too much to drink…you can sleep on the couch."

He looked at her and couldn't control himself any longer. He grabbed her around the waist, pulling her close to him and pressed his lips against hers. He wouldn't have blamed her for pushing him away, but she didn't. Instead she leaned into him. When she finally did pull away, she exhaled and spoke in a quiet whisper, "or maybe you don't have to sleep on the couch."

**Okay...so thanks again for all the reviews. I don't write for reviews...but they are definitely a perk. More soon...stay tuned.**


	8. Chapter 8

**I just want to say that I have really loved and appreciated all the reviews people have left on this story. Thanks so much for reading! Here is a little more...**

He pulled her close, running his fingers through her hair and kissing her once more. "Let's go…to my room," she suggested breathlessly and she guided him toward the hall.

"Sounds good to me," he put his hands on her waist and stared in her eyes. "I've missed you, Liv. So much."

"Me too…" she leaned her head into his chest and he lost his balance, falling against the floor lamp and knocking it over. "Oh God…are you okay?"

He laughed, "I guess I drank a little more than I thought," he smiled as he picked the lamp up off the floor and grabbed her hand. "I'm fine…let's go to your room…" but before they could move the sound of Noah's cries filtered in from the room next door and he could see Olivia's disposition change. Her eyes widened as she looked toward the room where her son was crying and then back at Elliot. "I'm sorry…" he said, realizing that he'd forgotten once again about the baby in the next room. "I didn't mean to wake him up. Maybe I better just sleep this off on the couch," he squeezed her hand and smiled, "Go take care of your son."

Olivia nodded, "Yeah…" she walked toward the nursery and turned to look at Elliot, removing his shoes as he sat on the couch. "Goodnight El."

He looked up at her, "Night, Liv. Sleep tight." Then he leaned back on the couch and closed his eyes.

Olivia rocked her son back and forth, and even though he'd been sound asleep for a while she didn't want to put him back in his crib. She stared at his angelic face and started to cry. She couldn't stop thinking of Elliot, sleeping on the couch. About the things he'd said to her…how he had been so hurt and couldn't come to her. She'd hated him for leaving her with no one, and yet he had been more alone than she had, at least in his own mind. And now he was back, and he wanted to be with her and she'd thought she wanted that too until she'd heard Noah crying in the nursery. Was it even okay for her to have sex with her son sleeping in the next room? All she could think about was her own mother, all of the times she'd chosen a drunken one night stand over her own daughter, and she'd always promised herself that she would be a better mother than that if she had the chance. But Elliot was hardly a drunken one night stand. He wasn't some guy she'd picked up in a bar, he was _Elliot_. He was a good man…a good father…but he wasn't her _son's_ father and she hated that she had to remind herself of that. He had his own children…his own family…and now she had her own family too. This was new territory for her and she didn't know how to deal with it. She loved her son more than she'd ever loved anyone, and all of her decisions had to be about him now.

She gently kissed the baby and put him down carefully in his crib. Then she walked to her room and grabbed a blanket from the closet shelf. Walking back to the living room, she smiled at Elliot curled up on the sofa, snoring softly. It hadn't taken him long to fall asleep, and she knew the wine had contributed to that. She carefully covered him with the blanket and then walked back toward her room, opening Noah's door to check on him one more time, before heading to her own room and climbing into bed.

The next morning it wasn't Noah's cries through the baby monitor waking her as usual, instead it was the smell of bacon and eggs waffling in from the kitchen. She stood up and grabbed her robe, rubbing her tired eyes as she walked into the kitchen. Elliot smiled as he scooped eggs onto a plate and handed it to her, "Good morning," he winked. "Did you sleep okay?"

She nodded, "What are you doing up already?" she looked at the clock and saw it was only 6:30. "After last night, I figured you'd be asleep half the day."

"Nah," he shook his head and poured a cup of coffee. "I'm fine. I know I drank a lot last night, but believe me, it takes a lot more than that to keep me down." He chuckled. "Aren't you going to eat?"

She smiled and took a bite of the eggs, "Mmmm," she moaned pleasantly. "I always loved your eggs."

"I remember," he winked at her and made a plate for himself. "I was thinking we should talk…about last night…"

"Yeah, I guess we should…" Olivia agreed, not sure what she was going to say to him. Before they could start the conversation, the baby started crying and Olivia put her plate in the sink and went to get him, relieved to postpone their talk. She changed him and brought him into the kitchen, sitting him in his highchair and grabbing a banana from the counter, peeling and mashing it for the little boy. Her phone buzzed and she picked it up, looking at the number and sighed as she answered it, "Benson," she said with a hint of irritation in her voice. "Yeah Nick…what is it…no…no, I'm off for two days…well I have the baby…" she looked at Elliot and rolled her eyes. He smiled and she thought about all the times she had called him away from his family to work a case. "I guess I'll just bring him if someone there can keep an eye on him," she shook her head in defeat. "I'll be there in half an hour."

"Going to work, huh?" Elliot asked when she slammed the phone down on the table. "Who's Nick?"

"Yeah, he's my partner…well sort of. Not so much since I became C.O., but we still work cases together since we're short-handed," she stood up and ran her fingers through her hair.

"You're commanding officer?" he asked with surprise. He didn't know why the news shocked him. She obviously deserved it and he knew she would be good at it. "What happened to Cragen?"

"He retired," Olivia knew there was a lot they could discuss about SVU, but she didn't have time. "I need to get dressed," she said as she looked down at the blue bathrobe she was wearing. She reached for the baby, "Come on sweetie…we're going to the station for a while."

"I can watch him," Elliot offered and he could see the surprise in her eyes. "You won't be gone long, right?"

"I couldn't ask you to do that," she insisted.

"You didn't…I offered," he replied quickly.

"I don't know…" Olivia questioned.

"Liv, I think I can handle taking care of a baby for a few hours," Elliot laughed. "What? You don't trust me?"

"No…of course I trust you," she smiled. "Thanks for watching him. I'll be back as soon as I can," she took one final drink of her coffee and rushed to her room to get dressed.

Elliot watched her walk out of the room and then he sat down and looked at the baby, his fingers sticky from the mashed banana and his face covered with the mushy goo. "Your mommy is something else," he smiled. "You know that?"


	9. Chapter 9

**Okay, so here is some more. I appreciate the reviews, follows, and favorites. I hope everyone continues to enjoy the story. More to come...**

It had taken longer than she expected at the precinct and as Olivia made her way back to the apartment all she could think of was the fact that she wasn't on her A game at all that day. It had started when she walked in without Noah and Fin had asked where he was. She told him she had left him with a friend and the look on his face let her know he didn't believe she even had a friend to leave him with. Then as the work progressed she became more and more distracted, wondering if things were okay at home, and longing to leave before Elliot called the station or showed up there with the baby. She didn't want anyone to know she had talked to him, let alone left her son with him, and she wasn't even sure why. Right before lunch she'd called to check on them, and he had assured her everything was fine, but she wanted to get home and see for herself. It was a little after two when she unlocked the door to her apartment.

"I'm home…" she called as she walked in the door, then she stopped and smiled at the sight that lay before her. The living room was a mess, toys scattered everywhere and Elliot was laying on the couch, eyes closed, with Noah sleeping peacefully on his chest. Elliot opened his eyes at the sound of her voice, putting his finger to his lips to signal her to be quiet. "Rough day?" she whispered as she slipped off her shoes and put her purse on the side table.

"He just fell asleep," he said in a tired voice. "This kid has a lot of energy."

She laughed a little, and reached to pick up her son. The baby started to fuss, but quickly went back to sleep, cuddled in his mother's arms. She took him to his room and put him gently in bed, then walked back to the living room where Elliot, now sitting was looking around the room at the mess. "I'm sorry he was so much trouble," she said sincerely as she tossed a stuffed bear on the floor and sat next to him.

"He wasn't," Elliot assured her. "He just missed you." He smiled. "And I might be a little rusty when it comes to child-rearing."

"I don't believe that," she grinned. "I know you watch Kate for Maureen, and you have Eli…he's still a kid."

"Kate is my granddaughter," he reminded her. "I just spoil her rotten until Maureen comes home." He laughed. "And Eli is in second grade now. You'd be surprised at how grown up he is." His face saddened a little, "Besides…I only get him on the weekends and he spends most of that time playing video games."

"Well, Noah isn't used to being with anyone other than me or Maureen," she insisted. "I should have thought of that before I left him."

"I loved watching him, Liv…really," he smiled. "He just missed you, and I can't fault him for that. I missed you too," he leaned over and kissed her, surprised when she pulled away.

"El…I don't think we should…" she tried to explain, unable to find the right words.

He looked confused, "You wanted to last night," he reminded her. "You asked me to stay…"

"I know," she sighed. "But I think we were both overcome by emotions last night. We weren't thinking clearly about all of this."

"Thinking clearly?" he snickered and she could tell he was hurt. "_You_ were the one that insisted I pour my heart out about everything that happened. _You_ were the one that asked me to stay." He shook his head in defeat, "How could I have been so stupid?"

"No…El…you don't understand," she pleaded with him. "I love you. I really do."

"Sure you do," he sighed.

"I do," she insisted. "But you don't even know me anymore. I'm not the same person I was when you left, and last night, I felt like the old Olivia again…but today I have to face the fact that you love who I used to be and you don't even know me now." She looked seriously into his eyes, "And I don't know you either…not really."

"I told you everything last night," he argued. "Things I didn't want to say…things I _shouldn't_ have said."

"And I really love you for that, El," she said softly. "You needed to say those things, and I needed to hear them. And we both know we could go in my bedroom and close the door and let ourselves get carried away with the emotions we are feeling, but it wouldn't change a damn thing. You'd still be hurt over everything that happened and I'd still feel like you don't really know me anymore…and that will just lead to more hurt and resentment and I don't want that. I'm tired of that."

He wanted to be angry and he was hurt because as much as he wanted to hold her and make love to her, he knew she was right. He didn't know her anymore. He hadn't known about her baby or about her becoming commanding officer…two big things in her life that at one time he couldn't imagine would happen for her without him being involved in some way. And he knew about other things…things he hadn't mentioned because he knew it would hurt her and he felt guilty for not protecting her and keeping her safe, and he knew she blamed him for leaving her alone to deal with it all, "Is this about William Lewis?" he asked. He could see the shock on her face, the disbelief that he had known about it and hadn't bothered to check on her or make sure she was okay.

"I will _not_ discuss that with _you_," she said with a fury that surprised even her, but then again her emotions at the mention of that name always sparked an unpredictable response. "How dare you come in here and…"

"And _what_? Ask you to tell me about the worst thing you've ever gone through?" he looked into her eyes and noticed for the first time that they lacked the spark they once had. "Because that is _exactly_ what you made me do last night!"

She shook her head and her voice quivered, "If you knew…" she cried. "Where were you? You say you love me, but you didn't care enough about me to show your face."

"The first time, I saw it on the news when they were searching for you…but Liv there was nothing I could do," he insisted. "Did you want me to come look for you? Because I wanted to…I really did, but I'm not a cop anymore…"

"Yeah…you're not a cop anymore…" she turned away from him.

"I called Cragen," he tried to explain. "He wouldn't talk to me except to say I needed to stay the hell out of things." She looked back at him, waiting for more of an explanation. "He said they had it under control and that I'd just make things worse." He sighed, "I was scared to death. I even went to church and prayed…for the first time since we'd buried Kathleen."

She brushed away the tears that were streaming down her cheeks, "I was off work for two months…where were you then?"

"I was scared," he admitted. "I didn't want to see you like that…it made me sick to think about it. That was wrong. I admit that…I should have been there. I'm sorry…"

"You called Brian a dumbass," she exhaled sharply. "But he was there…through the whole thing. He never left. He didn't care that I was damaged…that I couldn't have sex with him for months afterward…or that I'd wake up screaming in the middle of the night. He was there…"

He nodded, "I'm glad he was there for you. I should have been." He wrung his hands together nervously, "I understand why you still love him…"

"I don't love him…" she whispered. "Not the way you think. I took care of him when he was shot and he took care of me after Lewis. I care about him…I'm grateful to him…but we wanted different things in life. We filled a need for one another, until we just didn't anymore." She took a deep breath, "I miss him…"

Elliot put his arms around her and pulled her close, "I'm sorry…" he felt her head resting on his chest as her tears began to moisten his shirt. "I'm so sorry…"

"I wanted to die," she admitted. "A part of me did. I'm never going to feel safe again…never." He looked back at the locks on her door and he understood why they were there. She looked at him and sobbed, "The second time, when he came back…he made me hold a gun to my head and pull the trigger. I knew I was going to die…and sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night and I swear I'm right back there with him…"

"He's not coming back, Liv," he held her close, wiping the tears from her cheeks and brushing her hair back from her face. "He's dead…and you survived…he can't hurt you now." He kissed her gently on the top of the head, taking in the intoxicating scent of her hair, and knowing she was right when she'd said she wasn't the same person she used to be. The old Liv would never have let herself appear so vulnerable, even to him.

"I wanted _you_," she admitted. "I wanted you to come and help me, and you didn't." She cried. "But that taught me something. I don't _need_ you Elliot. I'm fine on my own. I can take care of myself."

"I know you can," he squeezed her tighter, afraid she might pull away and relieved that she seemed comfortable leaning on his chest. "You don't need me, Liv. You never really did."

"But I _love_ you," she sniffled. "More than anything." She lifted her head from his chest, putting her hands on his shoulders and pulling him toward her, kissing him softly.

He forced himself to pull away from her kiss, "Liv, don't…you don't want to…"

"Yes I do," she interrupted, grabbing his face and pulling it back to hers and he knew he wasn't going to resist her. He wanted this…he wanted _her_. "Come on…" she stood up and pulled him toward her and he couldn't help but smile at her eagerness.

"You gonna show me that bedroom now?" he asked, as he began to unbutton her blouse and kissed her neck. Seeing the scars on her chest, markings he knew were permanent reminders of Lewis, he couldn't let her see the pain he felt for her. Instead he kissed her again, pulling her blouse off and tossing it to the floor, running his finger along the strap of her white lace bra. He felt her fumbling with his belt buckle, knowing this was actually going to happen and he picked her up and she laughed as he carried her to the bedroom, "_Shhh_…" he whispered. "Do _not_ wake up the baby." She smiled as he put her gently on the bed. He hovered above her, running his finger along the tears that were still staining her cheeks. "Are you _sure_?" he asked, one more time. He didn't want her to do something she would regret. He loved her too much for that.

"I love you," she whispered. She pulled him back into a long passionate kiss, and then replied breathlessly, "I've never been more sure about anything…"


	10. Chapter 10

**Here is a little more. Sorry it has taken a couple of days for me to update. I've been busy. Hopefully I'll have more posted tomorrow. Thanks for reviews...they always make my day when I read them. :)**

Olivia looked at Elliot, her head propped up on her arm and wondered what she'd gotten herself into. She'd wanted to be with him…it felt right…but now, staring at him as he lay in her bed, covered only with the white linen sheet, she questioned everything. She hated wondering if she had made a mistake, but she couldn't push the thought out of her mind. Elliot Stabler was naked and asleep in her bed in the middle of the day, and she felt guilty about it. Maybe it was all the years she'd spent denying her feelings for him while he was married to someone else or maybe it was the fact that she'd spent the past three years hating him for leaving her, but no matter how much she'd wanted to do this, she wondered now if it was a huge mistake.

She heard her son's happy squeals through the baby monitor and knew she was lucky his nap had lasted longer than usual. She sat up, leaning over to grab her robe from the spot on the floor where she had dropped it that morning and with her sudden movement, Elliot opened his eyes and smiled at her, "Where are you going?" he asked grabbing her arm and squeezing her hand. He sat up and leaned over, kissing her softly. "Stay in bed for a while."

"Noah's awake," she motioned toward the baby monitor, and smiled at her son's giggles.

"He's not crying," Elliot said. "He's entertaining himself…"

"He needs to be changed," Olivia insisted as she stood up and pulled on her robe. "Besides, I like to play with him in the afternoon after his nap. He's used to it. I don't want to leave him in there all alone."

"Liv, he's fine," Elliot insisted. "If a kid is awake and laughing instead of crying, you should leave him alone. It's good for him to learn to soothe himself without you having to be constantly at his side." He smiled, "Trust me on this…I've had five babies."

"And I have _one_," Olivia walked toward the door. "And I want to spend the afternoon with him," her voice was frustrated as she walked out of the room. Elliot watched her storm out of the room and instantly knew something was wrong. He hadn't mean to question her parenting, but he knew she took it that way. He could hear her talking gently to the baby through the monitor and he smiled. She was a good mother and Noah meant the world to her. There was no denying that.

He got dressed and walked into the living room just as Olivia was carrying Noah in from his room. He took the baby's tiny hand and tickled it softly, "Did you have a good nap, little guy?" he asked with a smile. The baby chuckled and Elliot looked at Olivia and grinned, "Your mommy and I had a nice nap too...if you wanna call it that." He flashed her a mischievous smile.

"God Elliot," she rolled her eyes. "Don't say things like that to him." She sat down on the floor with the baby, rolling a ball to him that Noah grabbed and immediately tried to fit in his mouth despite the fact that it was much too big.

"You have no sense of humor," Elliot teased as he sat on the floor with them and put the baby in his lap, helping him roll the ball back to his mother. "He's not even a year old, Liv. He doesn't understand…you are being way too uptight about things."

Olivia shook her head, "I am not uptight," she insisted. "I'm just trying to be a good mother."

Elliot looked seriously and sighed, "You are a good mother. Look at him. He's happy…he's healthy…he's loved. Liv, this is one lucky kid."

Olivia rolled the ball back toward Noah and he immediately picked it up, putting it to his mouth and slobbering on it. "I don't want to lose him," she admitted sadly.

Elliot shook his head, "You won't. Why would you even say that?"

Olivia shrugged, "I'm afraid at the adoption hearing the judge will say I can't have him. I've had that fear since the day I first brought him home."

"I thought you'd already adopted him?" Elliot asked, confused. "You said you adopted him."

"Technically, I haven't yet," Olivia explained. "He was being bounced around between foster homes and the judge said I could foster him for a year and at the end of that time, she'd grant the adoption as long as everything was okay and going well. I'm scared I'll make a mistake."

Elliot nodded, "You're still his mother, Liv. A piece of paper signed by a judge isn't going to change how much you love him…how much he loves you," he handed the baby to her and she cuddled him close. "I have no doubt he will legally be your son at the end of that year." He looked at the two of them and smiled, "You know…when Maureen was born, I was nineteen years old. I had no idea how to be a parent, but I figured it out. I know Kathy and I made mistakes…me especially…but for a nineteen year old kid I think I did pretty well even though I was scared. If I could do it back then…you can do it now."

"I'm forty-six, El," she sighed. "Not nineteen. This is my last chance…I can't make a mistake. I can't lose him. I love him too much," she held back the tears that were forming in her eyes.

"Hey…" he looked at the two of them and he understood her fear even though he knew it was unfounded. There was no way the judge would take Noah from Olivia. "What do you say we stop thinking about everything that could go wrong and try to have a nice day together?"

"Okay," Olivia nodded.

Later that evening, after Noah was sleeping soundly in his room, Olivia and Elliot curled up on the sofa eating Chinese food and watching a movie on television. "This feels like old times," he smiled. "Right? How long has it been since we've had late night Chinese food together?"

"Three years," she reminded him, trying not to sound bitter about it. Elliot had been trying all day to make her feel better, but she still had a nagging feeling that this whole thing was a huge mistake, and she couldn't figure out why.

"Yeah," his voice saddened and she knew she had hurt him. "I guess that makes sense." He took a bite of his food and then changed the subject. "I have to go to work tomorrow…so I guess…"

"You're going to leave?" she asked, a little too eagerly.

"Well I can," he offered. "Or I can stay tonight and leave early in the morning. It's your call, Liv. I don't want to overstay my welcome."

She shook her head, "No…of course you can stay if you want to. I just didn't know you were working. I figured since you'd retired…I don't know what I thought you were doing all day."

He laughed, "I couldn't exactly live on my retirement, Liv. Did you forget I have two kids in college right now? I've been working at a security firm over in Queens. We hire security guards for local businesses, celebrities…things like that. I'm head of security, so I don't get out of the office very often. I pretty much just train the other guards and assign them to clients. Not much stress…less pressure than police work…"

"Sounds great…you must really like it," She knew she sounded insincere, but she couldn't imagine Elliot as anything other than a detective and part of her pitied him for having to take something else to make ends meet.

"It pays the bills," he shrugged. "And I know you're thinking I miss being a detective…but I don't. I couldn't do it anymore, Liv. And I'm okay with that."

She nodded, "I'm glad you're okay with it."

Hours later she was lying awake in bed, staring at the red numbers on her alarm clock as they moved from 2am to 3am to 4am. She couldn't sleep and when she turned over to take her eyes off the clock, she was staring at Elliot instead. Watching his chest rise and fall, she wondered how it could be so easy for him to make love to her and drift off to sleep while she replayed everything over and over again in her mind. She'd slept with him twice in one day, and both times it had felt right. She'd felt safe and loved and protected. So why was she panicking afterward? What was she so afraid of? She rolled back over, taking one last look at the clock and forcing her eyes closed, determined to keep them that way until morning. She was too exhausted to think anymore.


	11. Chapter 11

**Thanks again for the kind reviews. I know some people are questioning where I am heading with this, but trust that I know where it will end. I hope no one gives up reading before we get there. There are always twists and turns on the road of life. ;)**

When she opened her eyes the next morning, Olivia was surprised to discover Elliot wasn't in the bed next to her. She remembered him saying he had to leave early for work, but a quick glance at the clock let her know it was much too early for that. She was about to get out of bed and look for him when she heard him talking. It took a minute for her to realize his voice was coming from the baby monitor. He was in Noah's room. The baby must have woken up, and she didn't hear him. She'd barely been asleep an hour, so it was no wonder she'd slept through his cries, but she felt guilty about it.

"It's okay little man," she heard Elliot's calm whisper through the monitor. She could hear Noah sniffling, as if he had been crying pretty hard before Elliot picked him up. "We're gonna let Mommy get some sleep this morning," he said softly. "She didn't sleep well last night."

Olivia smiled at the gentle way Elliot was talking to her son. She knew she should get out of bed and make her way to the nursery, but she enjoyed listening to the two of them. She heard Noah's soft babble and Elliot laughed, "You really are a happy baby, aren't you?" he asked. She could hear the creaking of the rocking chair and knew Elliot was trying to rock the baby back to sleep…trying to buy her another hour or so of sleep and she appreciated the effort. "You mean the world to her," his voice was soft and serious. "I know you're too little to understand that…but it's true." He sighed, "God…I didn't expect this…"

Olivia sat up in bed and looked intently at the baby monitor. What was he talking about? He didn't expect what? Before she could let her imagination run wild her questions were answered when Elliot's voice echoed through the monitor once again. "I never expected her to have a baby." She knew Noah had drifted back to sleep and Elliot was continuing to rock him and talking to himself, completely oblivious to the fact that the baby monitor was pumping his every word into her bedroom. "For three long years I imagined coming back to her, telling her how I felt. I could picture our life together. I love her…but I don't know if I can do this. I've raised my kids. I'm a _grandfather_ for crying out loud. And I think she knows that I don't want this life. I think that's why she keeps pulling away." She heard the chair creak again and Elliot's footsteps walking to the crib, "Sleep tight buddy," he whispered.

She could hear him walking down the hall toward her room and tried to decide if she should pretend to be asleep or confront him about what she'd heard. She lay back on the bed and closed her eyes, cringing as she heard the door open. She felt him crawl in bed next to her and she tried not to cry when he cuddled next to her, wrapping her in his arms. She had known something wasn't right about their relationship and she hated that she'd let herself get caught up in it. If he didn't want a life that included a baby…he didn't want a life with her. "Elliot," she said sadly. "The baby monitor is on…"

He froze when she spoke, angry with himself for not realizing she could hear everything he'd said in the nursery. "Liv…" he began, but she interrupted him.

"Don't," she insisted. "I heard you…and I understand. You don't want to start over right now. You don't want dirty diapers and birthday parties and toys scattered from one end of the house to the other. I can't blame you," she refused to look at him because she didn't want him to see her tears, but he turned on the lamp and sat up.

"I just didn't expect it," he explained. "I thought that part of my life was over…and this takes some getting used to. When you were at work yesterday…I realized I'm not a kid anymore. Taking care of Noah was hard, and I was exhausted."

"I didn't _ask_ you to take care of him," she sat up and looked at him, trying to hold back her tears. "You said you wanted to do it."

"And I did," he assured her. "It's just…two days ago I hadn't even seen you in years and now…I feel like we're playing house."

She shook her head, "No…don't even say that to me. You said you were in love with me…I told you I wasn't the same person I used to be. I knew we shouldn't have gotten so serious so quickly. But it doesn't matter Elliot, because Noah is my son and he isn't going anywhere. If you can't handle that…then we don't belong together."

"Liv, I never said I can't handle it," he tried to explain. "It was just a shock and I'm not sure how to deal with it all yet. He's a great kid…he's adorable…and I know he means the world to you. You're a great mother. I just don't want to pretend like I can be a father again right now, when I'm not sure I can."

"You're _not_ his father," she argued. "I never asked you to be."

"I know that," he said sadly. "But these past couple of days…it felt like we were a family."

"And you don't want that?" she asked.

"I want you," he offered. "And Noah is a part of the package. He's a sweet baby. I just have to get used to picturing myself with a baby again. It's not easy…"

She nodded, "And if you can't do it…if you can't commit to raising a baby again…where does that leave us, El?" She sighed, "I won't do that to my son. I can't let you come into his life and then just decide you don't want to be a part of it anymore."

"He's a baby, Liv," Elliot reminded her. "He isn't going to remember any of this."

"And one day he won't be a baby anymore," She argued. "What do I tell him when he's five years old and all of the sudden you decide you can't commit to teaching him to ride his bike, or going to his little league games? He won't be a baby then and he'll know you don't love him." She let her tears fall. "I won't do that to my son."

"I would never do that, Liv," he promised. "You know me better than that. Things have just changed really quickly over the past couple of days. I need to wrap my brain around everything…"

"No you don't," she said quickly. "You need to go home."

"I love you…and I already adore Noah…you know that," he tried to reason with her, but she wouldn't listen.

"I believe you," she offered. "But that doesn't mean this will work out. I'm not mad at you…and I want us to be friends, but this relationship isn't going to work. I shouldn't have let it get this far. It isn't fair to either of us."

Elliot shook his head, "Liv…I don't want to be _just_ friends. We played that charade for too many years and I can't do that anymore."

"Then we won't be friends," she said sadly.

He wanted to reason with her, but he knew she wouldn't listen. He'd ruined his one chance at happiness and he wasn't even sure how it had happened. He stood from the bed and grabbed his shoes from the floor, walking toward the door. "Maybe we can talk later," he suggested. "When I get off work?"

"We don't have anything to talk about," she insisted. "We just need to go back to our normal lives and forget about all of this."

"I don't think I can," he said honestly. "I love you."

She didn't say anything as he walked out the door. She heard him walk down the hall and listened for the clicks as he unlocked the front door. When she heard the door close, she climbed out of bed and made her way slowly to the living room to lock up. She leaned against the door, sobbing. "I love you too," she whispered, knowing he couldn't hear her. They had both been through so much…had faced so much pain…and now they'd hurt each other. She wiped the tears from her eyes and walked back to her room. Why was life always so unfair?

**More coming soon...**


	12. Chapter 12

**A little more...**

The next morning Olivia opened the door as Maureen came in with Kate, carrying the sobbing child. "She's tired…it was a long couple days at my mom's. She didn't get much sleep," she explained as she sat her daughter down next to Noah in the playpen and smiled. "How was your time with Noah? I'm really sorry about Dad showing up over here the other night. I had no idea…"

Olivia wondered how much Elliot had mentioned to his daughter about their time together, but she figured it wasn't much. Maureen didn't look like she was judging her and she was sure if she knew the truth, she would be. "It was fine," she insisted. "Noah and I went to the park yesterday and then to the zoo. I loved having that time with him. And it was nice catching up with your dad…we had a good talk." She forced a smile and went to the hall closet, grabbing her gun from the lock box and securing it carefully before leaning over to kiss her son good-bye. "I'll try not to be too late," she promised as she walked out the door.

Walking into the precinct she knew it was going to be a crazy day. Fin rushed up to her, explaining that the suspect they'd had in custody on a rape case had broken the two-way mirror in the interrogation room, slitting his wrists and was in serious condition at the hospital and that a distraught mother was waiting for someone to take her statement, claiming her teenage daughter had run away with an older man and wanted to file statutory rape charges. It was a few hours before she even made it into her office and began to check her messages from her time off, and another hour or so taking care of those before she finally had a minute to sit down and just think. She picked up the phone and called to check on Noah, happy when Maureen assured her he was fine. Then she logged onto the computer and did some research on Elliot's security firm. She wasn't sure why, but she wanted to know about this place he worked now…the place that was less stressful than working with her.

She quickly wrote down the address and put it in her purse, when Nick knocked on the door and asked her to look over some crime scene photos with him. Before she knew it, it was after seven and she still wasn't done with all the work she needed to finish. Obviously there were reasons she didn't take time off very often. She grabbed her purse, making her way out of her office. Rollins was the only one still sitting at her desk and Olivia mumbled a quick good-bye to her before heading to the elevators.

Once she got in her car she called Maureen again. "I'm sorry it's so late," she said quickly. "I still have some things I have to take care of." She could hear crying in the background, but she knew it wasn't Noah. It sounded like Kate. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah," Maureen assured her in a tired voice. "Kate's just been in a mood all day. She's tired and I can't get her to go to sleep." She sighed, "How much longer do you think you'll be?"

"I don't know," Olivia said honestly. "Do you need me to come home now? I can…"

"No…everything is fine here," Maureen insisted. "We'll see you later."

She hung up the phone and drove, unsure why she was heading to Queens and questioning what she planned to do when she got there. She pulled out the paper with the address of Elliot's security firm on it and even though she knew he wouldn't be there so late she drove there anyway. She just wanted to know more about him, about the man he was now, and this job seemed to be an important part of that. She sat outside the building, looking at the windows, mostly dark and wondered how Elliot handled going home at the same time every day. When they were partners, he always seemed to thrive on the thrill of the unknown, the odd hours, the danger…she couldn't picture him in a regular nine to five job, but he obviously enjoyed it. He said he didn't miss being a detective.

She pulled away from the curb and found herself driving toward his house. Parking a block away, with his house just within her view, she thought back to the days after Cragen had first told her Elliot wasn't coming back to SVU. She'd driven there many nights, sitting just out of sight of the house, waiting for a glimpse of him, hoping she'd have the guts to confront him, but she never did. She'd just sat there and watched, like she was doing right now, afraid of what would happen if she was brave enough to speak up…and she'd lost him for three years. She wasn't going to let that happen this time. She couldn't. She needed him to know what he meant to her, even if it meant taking things slowly while they waited to see where things were headed. She opened the door, but her cell phone rang before she could get out of the car. She saw it was Maureen and closed the car door, answering the phone, "Maureen?" she answered and she could hear the cries on the other end of the line. "Honey, what's wrong?"

"I don't know," she admitted, "But I need you to come home. Kate's sick…really sick. She won't stop crying and she keeps throwing up. Her temperature is 103. I need to take her to the ER. I'm keeping Noah in the nursery away from her so he doesn't get sick too, but I need you to hurry."

"I'm on my way," she quickly pulled away from the curb and headed toward home. "I'm in Queens…following a lead on a case, but I'll be there as fast as I can."

She drove as quickly as she could, rushing to the apartment, apologizing frantically as she swung open the door, "I'm so sorry," she said, nearly out of breath. "If I had known Kate was sick, I wouldn't have stayed at work so late." She didn't want Maureen to know she'd driven to Queens to spy on her father. "How is she?" she looked at the little girl, her face red from crying and fever, her blue eyes watery and blank. She touched the child's head and was shocked at how hot she was to touch.

Maureen had tears in her eyes and was obviously shaken, "She's never been this sick before," she frantically picked her daughter up and headed toward the door. "I called her doctor and he said it could just be a virus, but I should take her to the ER since her fever is so high."

"Do you want me to drive you?" Olivia offered, worried about Maureen driving when she was so worried about her little girl.

Maureen shook her head, "No…I don't want you to have to take Noah out." Olivia opened the door so Maureen could carry Kate out more easily.

"Olivia?" she asked, "Could you call my dad? Ask him if he'll meet me at the hospital? I don't want to be there by myself."

"Sure," Olivia nodded. She hugged her and kissed Kate on the forehead. "She's gonna be okay," she added and Maureen nodded, hoping she was right. Then Olivia closed the door and picked up the phone. She hadn't dialed Elliot's number in three years, and now she had to call to tell him his granddaughter was sick.


	13. Chapter 13

A few weeks later things were pretty much back to normal. Kate had recovered from what was in fact a nasty stomach virus. By the time Elliot had arrived at the ER, they had hooked the little girl to IVs for fluids and knowing Maureen was exhausted he had encouraged her to sleep in the chair next to her daughter's bed while he stayed up to make sure his granddaughter was okay. He'd called Olivia to fill her in on the diagnosis, and that was the last time they had spoken. It seemed neither of them were willing to take the first step in solving their problems.

Now, Olivia was busy preparing for Noah's first birthday party, which was no small feat in and of itself. After Kate had been released from the hospital, Maureen had taken a few days off to stay home with her, and eventually had succumb to the stomach flu herself. Olivia had been forced to take the baby to work with her, which led to less productivity for everyone. Then Noah had caught the virus, and she'd stayed home with him hoping he wouldn't end up as sick as little Kate had, relieved when his temperature stayed below 100 and he recovered in a few short days. However, having him at the station had obviously spread the germs around as both Fin and Rollins had ended up out sick for two days and as much as Olivia hated to admit it, she wasn't feeling so great herself. Having kids definitely changed things…she rarely got sick and now she felt like she'd started a mini epidemic.

"Hey…are you okay?" Nick asked as he peeked around the door. He'd knocked, but she had her head down on the desk and obviously hadn't heard him until he walked in.

"Yeah," Olivia said as she lifted her head and rubbed her temples, trying to relieve her headache. "What did you need?"

"I just wondered what time you wanted me at your apartment tomorrow night…for Noah's birthday?" he came in and sat across from her. "You sure you're alright? You don't look so good."

"I'm fine…it's just been a long day," she tried to sound convincing. "Dinner will be ready around 6:00," she answered. Nick's daughter was in California with his ex-wife and none of her other friends had children, so Olivia decided a dinner party in celebration of her son's birthday would be just fine. Dinner, cake, ice cream, and presents…followed by a quick bath and bedtime, would be perfect for a party he'd never remember anyway. She thought about Elliot telling her first birthdays were really for the parents, and she knew she was taking the easy way out, but she also recognized that she didn't have time to plan a big kiddie party, especially if her son was the only kid there. Even Kate couldn't come because she was visiting her father in D.C. for the weekend.

"I'm gonna head home," she stood up slowly, trying to conceal the dizziness she felt, but having to lean on the desk as she tried to stop the room from spinning. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes until the feeling passed.

"Do you want me to give you a ride home?" Nick asked with obvious concern. "You probably have that bug that's been going around here."

"Well if that's the case, you don't want to catch it," she insisted as she walked toward the door. "But I'm fine anyway. It's just been a long day. I'll see you at 6:00 tomorrow." She walked out the door and headed to the elevator, and Nick knew better than to argue with her.

The following morning she awoke to the pounding on the front door and realized she'd overslept. Usually Noah woke her up long before Maureen arrived for the day, and as she sat up she heard him crying in the nursery and realized she'd slept through his cries. She rushed to the nursery and picked him up before going to the living room to open the front door. Noah was still crying as she fumbled with the locks and when she opened the door Maureen looked at her with concern, "Olivia…what's wrong?" she asked as she stepped into the apartment, sitting two boxes wrapped in birthday paper on the side table. "Were you still asleep?"

"Yeah…I guess I was more tired than I thought," she said as she patted her son's back and tried to soothe his cries. She felt terrible and her stomach was painfully sour. "Can you take him…" she handed her son to Maureen and ran to the bathroom, leaning over the toilet and emptying her stomach, praying she'd feel better when she was done.

Maureen took Noah to his room, changing his diaper and then walking down the hall toward the bathroom, the baby situated on her hip. "Olivia…are you okay?" she asked through the closed door. "Do you need anything?"

"I'm okay," Olivia insisted as she rinsed her mouth with cool water and looked in the mirror at her face, sweaty and pale. "I guess I couldn't avoid this stupid flu forever," she reluctantly admitted. She took a deep breath, opening the door and forcing a weak smile at Maureen and Noah standing on the other side. "I guess it's a good thing I took the day off today." She made her way back to the living room and leaned back on the couch, trying to forget how miserable she felt.

Maureen sat with Noah in the chair and looked seriously at Olivia, "Maybe you should go back to bed," she suggested. "Are you going to cancel dinner tonight?"

Olivia sighed, "Maybe I'll feel better by then," she said hopefully. "I don't want to ruin Noah's birthday," she looked at her son and realized she hadn't even acknowledged his special day. "Happy Birthday, Sweetheart," she said with a smile.

"I brought presents," Maureen smiled as she sat the baby next to his mother and went to get the boxes from the table. She picked the baby up, sitting him in her lap, "Is it okay for him to open them?"

"Sure," Olivia nodded, excited to see her son open his first presents.

Maureen helped him open the first box, and she and Olivia giggled at how excited Noah was by the colorful paper and bow. "This is from Kate and me," she smiled as she pulled out a red t-shirt with the words "Birthday Boy" printed on the front in big blue letters. "I thought maybe he could wear it today."

"That's adorable," Olivia smiled. "Of course he should wear it. Thanks Maureen…that was really sweet." She looked at the slightly larger box, "Who is the other present from?"

Maureen looked at it and then back at Olivia, "It's from my dad," she admitted. "He said he really wanted Noah to have it, as long as it was okay with you." She wasn't sure what had happened when her father had shown up at Olivia's apartment looking for her weeks earlier, but she knew something was different now. Neither of them talked about it, but it was obvious.

"Of course," Olivia sighed. "If Elliot went to that much trouble, I want Noah to have his present." Maureen once again helped Noah open the present, pulling out a toy police car. It was soft, for a baby, but had working lights and sirens that made Noah giggle when he pushed them. The little boy loved the car so much that he pushed the buttons over and over again, making it flash and beep to the point that Olivia wasn't sure her headache would ever go away. "He loves it," she said as she closed her eyes and took another deep breath.

"Olivia, go back to bed for a while," Maureen suggested. "Noah and I can get things started for his party and maybe you'll feel better when you wake up."

As much as she hated to give in to being sick, Olivia knew she had no choice. "Thanks," she whispered as she patted her son on the head and made her way back to her bedroom. She wasn't going to ruin Noah's special day. As she lay in bed listening to her son play with his noisy new toy, she wondered if Elliot had known his gift would be the highlight of her son's birthday. Maybe she should have invited him to the party. As she drifted off to sleep, she wondered why she hadn't yet confronted him the way she had planned to the night she'd driven to Queens. She couldn't think for long though, because she was asleep within seconds.


	14. Chapter 14

**Thanks so much for the reviews. I am glad people are still interested. I promise to post more very soon!**

"It looks great in here," Olivia emerged from her bedroom, hours later, surprised to see the apartment decorated for Noah's party. "You've been busy."

Maureen nodded as she stepped down from the chair she was standing on, hanging crepe paper streamers. "I wanted to make sure everything looked right for his first birthday," she smiled. "I'm glad you like it."

"Where's Noah?" Olivia asked, looking around the room and not seeing her son anywhere.

"He's asleep," Maureen answered. "It was time for his afternoon nap."

"What?" Olivia's eyes widened and she looked at the clock noticing it was after 1:00. "I've been asleep that long? I missed most of his birthday," she sat down sadly.

Maureen sat next to her, "Hey…you're sick. It happens. Noah had a great morning and I know when he wakes up he will be happy to spend the rest of his birthday with you," her voice was comforting. "Are you feeling better?"

Olivia nodded, "Yeah, I think so," she exhaled slowly. "I just feel so tired. I don't think I've ever had a flu bug wear me out this much. No wonder poor Kate was so miserable."

Maureen looked hurt at the mention of her daughter, "I really miss Kate," she said sadly. "I don't know why her dad insisted on having her this weekend. He never wants to see her." She looked seriously at Olivia, "You are really lucky you don't have to share Noah with anyone. I swear…there is nothing worse than sharing your kid with someone you hate."

"I'm sorry honey," Olivia reached out and hugged her. "I wish you didn't have to go through this."

"You know…even when I was younger and Mom and Dad had problems, I always knew they didn't hate each other," Maureen explained. "Dad loved us, even when he didn't live with us. I think Kate is going to grow up knowing I hate her father."

"Your dad is a good guy," Olivia reminded her. "Kate's dad isn't…at least he wasn't to you. All you can do is be the best mother you can to her, and try not to put him down in front of her. She'll be okay."

"I hope so," Maureen sighed. "Olivia…would you mind if I didn't stay for Noah's party?" she asked. "A friend asked me out to dinner, and I really could use a night out while Kate is away."

"Of course you should go with your friend," Olivia insisted. "You probably wouldn't have much fun here anyway. Just a bunch of people from work." She sighed miserably, "If I don't feel better before long, I doubt there will even be a dinner."

Maureen stood up and headed toward the door. "I'm going to the bakery to pick up Noah's cake and I'll stop and get ice cream too. I know you don't feel like going out. And maybe you could just order pizza or something for the party. I doubt anyone would care."

"That's really sweet of you," Olivia said, leaning back on the couch. She didn't feel like going out and was grateful Maureen was there to help. "And the pizza isn't a bad idea." She waited for Maureen to leave and then she forced herself to get up off the couch and check on her napping son. He was sound asleep and she stood in awe of him. She couldn't believe he was already a year old. She'd only had him for five months, but she could barely remember the time before he came into her life. She saw his new toy police car sitting on the dresser and couldn't help but smile thinking of how much he'd loved playing with it that morning. Elliot was great with kids and he knew what to buy for her son that would make his birthday extra special.

She walked back to the living room, swallowing her pride and picked up the phone, dialing Elliot's number and pausing when she heard him answer, "Hello?"

"Elliot," she said slowly. "It's Liv." She paused for a moment, thinking he would say something but he didn't. "I wanted to thank you for Noah's present."

"Did he like it?" he asked.

"Oh yeah…he loved it," she smiled, and her voice lightened in a way that let Elliot know she wasn't angry with him. "He pushed those buttons all morning."

He laughed, "Is that your way of telling me _you_ didn't like the present?"

"No," Olivia chuckled. "Maybe if I felt better I'd have liked it a little better, but I love it as long as it makes Noah happy."

"Are you sick?" Elliot asked with concern. "That flu finally caught up with you too?"

"Yeah…but I think I'll be fine," Olivia insisted.

"I was lucky I guess," Elliot added. "I never caught it." He stopped and then spoke gently, "Let me know if you need anything," he offered.

"Thanks…but I really am okay," she sighed, thinking of how sweet he was being to her. "El," she continued. "Do you want to come to Noah's party tonight? It's just going to be me and Noah, and a few people from work. I thought maybe…"

"I don't think so," Elliot answered a little too quickly. As much as he'd like to see her, he didn't feel like he was ready to see anyone else from the NYPD. He'd left that life behind pretty abruptly and he wasn't ready to face it again…not yet. It had taken all of his strength to explain to her why he'd left and he didn't think he could go through the questions others would ask him.

"Oh…" Olivia tried not to sound surprised by his response. "Okay then. I'll just…well I have to go…"

"Liv," he began. "Let me explain…"

"There's nothing to explain," she said sadly. "Bye, Elliot." She hung up the phone and curled up on the couch, suddenly feeling much worse than she did before. She had put herself out there, had taken the first step toward trying to mend their relationship, and he had made it clear he wanted no part of that. She'd been right when she'd accused him of not wanting a relationship with her because she had a child now, and he couldn't deny it. As much as it hurt, she knew it was better to know the truth so she could move on.


	15. Chapter 15

**A little bit more...enjoy :) Thanks again for the reviews. I am glad people are trusting me to tell this story, even if things don't always look like they are heading in the right direction.**

The party was in full swing and Noah seemed to be having a good time being passed around from person to person. Even though she regretted that he didn't have an extended family like most children, Olivia took pride in the fact that her friends and coworkers loved her son as much as if they were related by blood.

She had given up her plan to make dinner, something she wasn't very good at anyway, and had gone with Maureen's suggestion of ordering pizza. No one seemed to mind and in fact it made the party less formal and more fun. Although Olivia still didn't feel great, she felt better knowing her friends were enjoying her son's birthday and that Noah was having a good time.

Olivia went in the kitchen, carefully placing the single candle on her son's birthday cake, stopping for a moment to snap a picture of it with her phone. "Hey…" the voice startled her and she turned quickly to see Brian standing behind her. "Do you have more beer?" he asked and she motioned toward the fridge. She hadn't planned on inviting him, especially since their relationship had crumbled at the idea of parenthood, but she had run into him outside the precinct a few days earlier and he had asked her all about Noah and how things were going. She felt like inviting him would be a step towards maintaining their friendship, but she was surprised he had actually shown up. "You want one?" he asked as he pulled a bottle from the refrigerator and opened it, taking a long drink.

"No," Olivia answered quickly. Even though she had no problem providing beer and wine for her guests, the smell of it was getting to her. She figured it was due to the flu bug she'd been fighting off, but just standing there watching him drink it was making her queasy. "I need to get the cake out there," she said.

"Olivia," Brian knew it was the only time he'd get her alone and he wasn't sure how long they'd have before someone came in. "Can we talk…please?"

Olivia sighed, "About what?" she asked. "I need to get the cake out there."

"Noah…he's a great baby," Brian smiled. "I'm sorry I wasn't more supportive of the idea of having a kid. I see how happy he makes you."

"Thanks," she said softly. "He _is_ great, Bri. He's the best thing that ever happened to me."

He nodded, "I just wanted you to know…that I'm sorry. I didn't want to keep you from your dream. And I'm sorry I was so upset…when we thought _we_ might be having a baby. I shouldn't have reacted like that."

"If I had been pregnant," she smiled. "I know you would have come around to the idea. You're a good guy. You'd be a good dad." She squeezed his hand, "I never doubted that…but I'm glad you don't have to since it isn't what you want."

He leaned in and hugged her, kissing her softly, but pulled away when he saw Nick enter the room. "I'm sorry…" Nick sputtered. "I was just coming to see if you needed help with the cake?"

"Can you take it in?" Olivia asked, embarrassed. "I'll be there in a minute."

Nick nodded, taking the cake without saying another word.

"I didn't mean for him to see that," Brian said honestly. "He's never gonna let you live this down. I know how much he hates me."

"He'll get over it," Olivia smiled.

"I miss you…you know that?" he asked as he hugged her once more. "But nothing's really changed…we still want different things."

"I know that," she took a deep breath. "And I miss you too…I really do."

"I'm happy for you though," Brian said sincerely. "You're a great mom. That is one lucky kid."

"Thanks, Bri," she said softly. "Let's go watch my son blow out his birthday candle." She took his hand and they walked out of the kitchen.

A few hours later, Olivia was in the kitchen beginning to clean up the party mess, but she was distracted by the pictures on her phone. Sliding through the photos she had to smile; Noah opening his presents, Noah with frosting covering his face, Noah laughing and giggling in her arms. This was her baby…the one she never thought she'd have. This was her life and she could hardly believe it. She sat down and opened a pizza box, suddenly realizing she was starving. She picked up a cold slice and took a bite, savoring the taste and grateful she wasn't feeling sick anymore.

"I picked up all the trash in there," Fin said as he came in carrying a garbage bag. "Who would've thought we could all make a mess that big?" he laughed and sat next to her. "Everyone else is gone…" he motioned toward her, "Having a little snack?" he asked.

She smiled, "I'm starved," she admitted. "I didn't feel well most of the day so I didn't eat anything. I'm finally feeling better," she grabbed a second slice and bit into it quickly. "Thanks for helping me clean up. I appreciate it."

"No problem," he watched her eat the pizza and looked around at the mess in the kitchen. "Is Noah asleep?"

"Yeah…he was out in seconds," she finished her pizza and grabbed a third slice, noticing Fin looking at her in disbelief. She knew it was ridiculous that she was still eating, especially since she'd been fighting the urge to throw up all day, but she couldn't help it, "I am _really_ hungry all of the sudden," she chuckled.

He laughed, "What the hell is on that pizza?" he looked in disgust. "Are those anchovies?"

She nodded, "Yeah…the place mixed up the order and sent this one with the others. No one ate it, so it's all that's left. It isn't that bad…really. I like it."

"Obviously," Fin laughed as he picked up the pizza boxes and stacked them with the trash. "You want this?" he asked as he picked up the box with the rest of the anchovy pizza.

She shook her head, "Nah…just put it in the fridge." She stood up and started washing the dishes. "Thanks again, Fin," she said seriously. "I'm glad I have friends I can depend on to help."

"You know I'm always here," he said honestly. "Can I ask you a question though?"

"Sure," she said as she dunked the plates in soapy water.

"What's up with you and Cassidy?" he asked. "Nick told me he saw the two of you making out in the kitchen earlier." He didn't have any hard feelings against Brian, not the way Nick did anyway, but he didn't want to see Olivia hurt either.

Olivia turned off the water and turned to look at him, "Nothing is going on with me and Brian," she insisted. "And we were _not_ making out. It was just a friendship hug and kiss and Nick came in at the wrong time. Trust me…Brian doesn't want the life I have now," she sighed. "Apparently no one does," she immediately thought back to Elliot and his refusal to come to the party.

"Hey, you have a great life here with that little boy," Fin tried to comfort her. "He's lucky…and so are you. Don't forget that."

"I won't," she smiled. "Thanks." She turned the water back on and went back to the dishes. "You should get home," she suggested.

"Yeah," he agreed. "Don't stay up too late though. The rest of this mess will still be here tomorrow." He headed toward the door, "And don't eat any more of that pizza," he teased. "It's disgusting."

She laughed, "Okay…I promise…no more pizza and I'll go to bed in a few minutes."

"See you tomorrow," he said as he walked out.

"Yeah," she said, suddenly more tired than she'd felt all day. She turned off the water, taking one last look at the mess and shook her head in defeat. Then she walked to the living room, locked the door after Fin let himself out, and walked to Noah's room. "Happy Birthday Sweet Boy," she whispered as she watched her son sleep peacefully. She thought about Brian, not wanting a family and about Elliot, unsure if he could start his life over with a baby, and she wondered if Noah would regret the fact that he didn't have a father in his life. She'd grown up without a father, and she'd always longed for one. She hated thinking her son would grow up the same way. She'd just have to work extra hard at making sure he knew how special he was to her.


	16. Chapter 16

**I've enjoyed reading all the reviews. Thanks so much for encouraging me to continue. It is a definite motivator. Here's some more...**

A week after Noah's birthday, Olivia walked into the precinct late and hoped no one would notice her. She couldn't believe she was still sick. Every night she'd think she was feeling a little better, and then the next day she'd wake up feeling miserable. She was spending half the workday trying to convince herself she wasn't going to throw up and the other half trying to stay awake at her desk. She could admit to herself that she wasn't doing her job very well, but she hoped no one else really noticed. Since she was commanding officer, she didn't have to leave the station very often, so it was easier to hide out and avoid people until she felt better. Unfortunately, she just _wasn't_ feeling better. No one else's flu seemed to last more than a few days, and she was getting worried that maybe she had something more seriously wrong with her, but she hadn't had the nerve to call the doctor yet. She couldn't face bad news right now.

"Sergeant…" Amanda Rollins called out to her and she knew she wouldn't have the chance to escape into her office that morning. "Can you come over and look at these?" She pointed to the crime scene photos spread across the wall. One victim was young, brutally attacked, with blood covering most of her body and the other was middle-aged, but the attack looked similar.

"What are we looking for?" Olivia asked with disgust.

"Anything," Fin answered with frustration. "We've been over the crime scenes a dozen times and nothing stands out. What could have connected these two? Makes me wonder if the crimes are even related."

"Maybe they're not," Olivia suggested. "Could be two different perps?"

"I don't know," Rollins disagreed. "Too many similarities…"

"Hey…I brought breakfast," Nick announced as he walked in and put a bag on the table in front of them. "Breakfast burritos…help yourself." He pulled out a burrito, pulling off the foil wrapper and taking a bite.

Olivia cringed and her stomach rolled at the smell of the food. She wondered how she could be sicker from watching Nick eat a burrito than from staring at pictures of a bloody corpse, but there was no way to predict what would make her sick lately. She put her hand to her mouth and ran to the ladies room as quickly as she could, barely making it in time.

"What's wrong with her?" Nick asked. "Is she _still_ sick?"

"This has been going on too long," Amanda added. "There is no way she has the flu. Something else is going on. She's not doing her job either…we can't keep up on everything without a real leader."

Fin looked toward the ladies room and then back at the other two detectives, "Don't be so hard on her," he said seriously. "You've had your fair share of problems that have affected the job."

"Yeah, and she's on my ass about it all the time," Amanda reminded him. "If she's really sick, then she needs to see a doctor. If it's something else…maybe she's drinking too much or something…"

"She's not a drunk!" Fin defended her quickly. "I'll talk to her," he said softly as he saw her walking slowly from the restroom toward her office. "But you need to stay out of it. She's still your boss whether you like it or not." He walked to her office, opening the door just as she was sitting down at her desk. "Hey…you okay?" he asked.

"You don't knock anymore?" Olivia was obviously annoyed.

"Sorry…" he said as he walked over and sat across from her desk. He could tell she'd been crying. "Are you alright?" he asked again.

"I'm fine Fin," she insisted. "Go back and help Amaro and Rollins with the crime scene photos." She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath, her face turning an even lighter shade of pale.

"Are you gonna puke again?" he asked seriously, grabbing the trash can and taking it to her.

"No…" she shook her head, exhaling sharply. "I'm okay now…really."

Fin shook his head, "You are _not_ okay," he insisted. "What is going on? _Really_?"

Olivia started to argue again that she was fine, but she knew it was pointless. She had failed miserably at hiding how sick she was. "I don't know…" she admitted, tears forming in her eyes.

"Are you…" Fin didn't know a tactful way to ask the question. "Are you…maybe…"

"Am I what, Fin?" Olivia asked with irritation.

"Pregnant?" Fin blurted out. "Are you pregnant?"

Olivia's eyes widened in disbelief, "You've got to be kidding me," she sighed. "No Fin…I'm _not_ pregnant. I can't believe you'd ask me that."

"Well, you're barfing all the time, falling asleep at your desk, and I watched you eat half an anchovy pizza the other night in one sitting," he reminded her. "Seems to me that all adds up to a new little Benson running around here before long."

"No," Olivia shook her head. "I'm not having a baby. God Fin…do you realize how ridiculous that sounds? Do you know how _old_ I am? Women my age don't accidentally get pregnant…even my doctor said the odds of me ever having a baby were slim to none."

"Lots of women have surprise babies," he argued. "If you've been sexually active, it could happen…you know that." He sighed. "Who have you been seeing? Cassidy?"

"No…just stop it!" Olivia felt the tears stinging her eyes and she couldn't hold them back anymore. "If I've been seeing anyone is none of your damn business…but I can tell you I am not pregnant." She started to cry, unable to stop herself. "I thought I was…months ago, before Brian and I split up…the doctor said it would never happen. I've made peace with that." She sniffled, trying to stop her tears, "Why the hell am I crying?" she asked herself. "Could you just leave, please?" she asked sadly.

"I'm sorry," Fin hadn't meant to upset her so much. He was worried and he wasn't completely convinced that she wasn't pregnant, but he had to respect her feelings. He stood up, walking toward the door, "You need to go to the doctor," he said seriously. "Find out why you're so sick."

"I'm afraid," she admitted. "I'm scared it's something bad…and I don't want to die. I don't want to leave Noah…or lose him because I'm sick." She began to sob even harder and Fin quickly went back to the desk.

"You're going to be okay," he promised. "But you need to know what's going on. If you are sick, it's better to know early on so the doctor can treat it." He reached out and hugged her and she nodded. "You want me to take you?" he asked.

"I'll go by myself," she promised. "This afternoon." She dried her eyes with a tissue and forced a weak smile. "I'm sorry I yelled at you."

He smiled, "It's okay. Just take care of yourself. And let me know if you need anything." She nodded and he walked out the door. Then she called the doctor to set up an appointment.


	17. Chapter 17

**I'm amazed by the number of reviews on that last chapter...thank you so much for taking the time to share your thoughts. I can see there are some mixed feelings on whether or not Olivia should be pregnant. I know I can't please everyone, so I am just going with my original plan for the story. Trust me when I say this is far from over. I hope you like it. **

Olivia paced back and forth across the room, waiting for the doctor. She was cold, wearing nothing but the thin gown the nurse had given her, and she wondered why doctor's offices were always freezing. People were there because they were sick, and yet they had to be uncomfortable as well. She knew she should sit and wait, but she couldn't calm down enough for that. When she'd called her doctor that morning, she had insisted she come in for blood work right away and Olivia had waited over an hour while they ran tests before the nurse came to bring her back to the examination room. She'd been in there another thirty minutes and no one had come to say anything to her. She wanted her results. She couldn't handle the wait anymore.

She had spent most of her time in the waiting room looking through magazines and brochures, searching for any hint that would help her self-diagnose her illness. She figured if she could mentally prepare herself, at least she wouldn't melt down when the doctor told her. According to the medical journals and take-away flyers in the office her symptoms mostly pointed to pregnancy, just like Fin had suggested, but she knew she wasn't pregnant. She'd never let herself even consider that possibility after last time, she knew it wasn't possible. Other likely scenarios included ovarian cancer, fibroids, bladder infections, and various sexually transmitted infections. She figured she could rule out the STIs since the only person she'd had sex with in months was Elliot and she trusted that he wouldn't have given her anything. The thought that really scared her was the cancer. It wasn't uncommon in women her age, but from all she had read was a certain death sentence. She felt the now familiar tears stinging her eyes and cursed herself for breaking down once again. She'd cried more in one day than she had in her entire life, at least it felt that way.

There was a quick tap on the door and the doctor walked in, "Olivia?" she said with a smile. "How are you doing?" She walked in and closed the door, looking at her patient who was still pacing anxiously around the room.

"How do you think I'm doing?" Olivia sputtered. "I've been waiting for hours and I'm going out of my mind with worry!"

The doctor nodded, "I'm sorry. Why don't you sit up here on the exam table and we'll talk."

Olivia reluctantly climbed on the table and sat, wringing her hands nervously. "Just tell me…_please_." She let a few tears slip down her cheeks. "I just need to know. Am I really sick? I don't want to die. I can't leave my son. I just adopted him and he has no one else," she broke down into full blown sobs.

"Olivia," the doctor spoke gently. "You are not dying." She looked seriously at her patient who couldn't seem to stop crying, "Did you hear me? You're fine."

"I'm fine?" Olivia sniffled and shook her head in disbelief. "Really? I feel so awful…"

"I know you do," the doctor's tone was serious. "Because you're pregnant…" Olivia shook her head in disbelief, all the color draining from her face. She felt dizzy and weak, like she couldn't sit up and she seemed to have lost all ability to speak. All she could do was stare at the doctor. "Olivia…are you alright?" the doctor asked, not completely surprised by her patient's reaction. "I know you didn't expect this."

"I can't…" Olivia's voice cracked and she cleared her throat. "You said I couldn't get pregnant." Her mind was racing. Why hadn't she been more careful? Getting caught up in the moment was no excuse. She wasn't a sixteen year old for crying out loud. How could she have been so stupid?

"I said it wasn't likely," the doctor reminded her. "But sometimes, the unexpected happens…"

"No!" Olivia couldn't believe her own reaction. She had always wanted to have a baby, so the fact that she wasn't happy about this surprised her and she felt guilty about it, but she couldn't help her feelings. "You said it wouldn't happen…that I was in peri-menopause and I'd waited too long to have a baby. _You_ said that!"

"Olivia…try to calm down," the doctor spoke calmly. "I know what I said, but sometimes things happen. There is always a very small chance of pregnancy until a woman has completely gone through menopause. You hadn't even officially started menopause. You were still having periods, right?" She looked at the chart and then back at her patient. "When was your last menstrual period?"

"I don't know," Olivia said honestly. "A while…a few months I think…I'm not _that_ pregnant."

"No…you're not," the doctor agreed. "Your period was irregular due to the peri-menopause. You probably randomly ovulated around the same time you were sexually active and you had no way to know that would happen."

"What the hell am I supposed to do?" Olivia put her head in her hands, but she had quit crying. She didn't feel like crying anymore. She was too tired.

"You have choices," the doctor reminded her. "You don't have to carry the baby to term. Honestly, in most cases like yours, I'd recommend termination. The odds of you getting pregnant right now were only five percent, but the odds of carrying this pregnancy to term are also pretty slim. Plus the chance of birth defects is significant with your age. Not to mention the risk to your own health."

"I don't know if I can do that," Olivia said honestly. "Do you really think there is something wrong with the baby?"

"I have no way of knowing yet," the doctor answered honestly. "All I can do is give you statistics. I can tell you most women your age who get pregnant naturally will miscarry before the end of the first trimester. Poor egg quality, combined with hormonal issues usually trigger a miscarriage. We need to find out how far along you are. I'd like to perform a transvaginal ultrasound to determine date of conception."

"Okay," Olivia leaned back on the table, the doctor's words swirling around in her head. She was pregnant, but she was probably going to lose the baby. If she carried the baby to term, it could be sick or disabled. She could have an abortion since she didn't want to be pregnant, but she'd always wanted to be pregnant before this very moment when she was facing it. She couldn't think clearly. She put her feet in the stirrups, trying not to think of how vulnerable she felt while a technician came in and a nurse covered her with a small blanket. She closed her eyes, feeling the pressure of the ultrasound probe inside her. Why was she going through all of this? She knew the date of conception…the exact date.

"Everything looks good," the doctor said as she took some notes in her folder. "Around seven weeks…" she looked at Olivia, her eyes still closed as she lay on the table. "Do you want to see?" she asked gently. Olivia opened her eyes, looking toward the monitor. "You see that little flicker?" the doctor asked, pointing to a small dot on the black and white screen. "That's the heartbeat. It looks strong for now…really good."

Olivia couldn't take her eyes of the small dot…her baby had a strong heartbeat. No matter what the odds were, her baby was okay right now. "I can't believe this," she sighed.

The technician finished the ultrasound and the doctor allowed Olivia to sit up. Marking more things in the chart, she spoke seriously, "You have some time to decide what you want to do," she insisted. "It's safer if you make the decision during the first trimester, but you still have five weeks. For now, I'll prescribe some prenatal vitamins to help you keep your iron levels up and you need to get some rest. When you decide, give me a call. We can schedule the termination if that's what you want to do, or I can refer you to a perinatologist who works with high-risk pregnancies. Give it a few weeks and then let me know."

"I want the name of the perinatologist," Olivia said quickly. "I'm going to have this baby."

The doctor nodded, "Okay." She wasn't surprised by Olivia's choice, but she was worried by it. "Olivia…I have to suggest you have some extensive prenatal testing done. You can have chorionic villus sampling done in a few weeks. If something is wrong, it would be better to know now."

"I'll talk to the perinatologist about it," Olivia agreed. As scared as she was at the prospect of being pregnant, she was even more worried about the health of her baby. The doctor left, giving Olivia time to get dressed. Olivia pulled on her clothes as quickly as possible, wanting more than anything to get out of that room. She turned, looking in the mirror that hung on the door and for the first time she realized how weak she looked. Her face was pale and she hard dark circles under her eyes. She put her hand to her stomach, feeling sick and knowing for the first time that it wasn't some flu bug that would eventually go away. "Oh God…how am I going to tell Elliot about this?" she whispered sadly.

There was another fast tap on the door and the nurse walked in with a bright smile, "Here's your prescription," she handed Olivia the paper with the doctor's instructions for the prenatal vitamins. "And here's your copy of the ultrasound picture." She walked out and Olivia looked down at the picture. She wanted to be happy, to smile at the thought of this little person she'd always longed for, but she couldn't. She was scared to death. She shoved the picture in her purse and walked out the door.


	18. Chapter 18

**Thanks again for the wonderful reviews. They encourage me to keep going. LOL the ones who suggested that Liv should beat the crap out of El for getting her pregnant. That gave me a good laugh for the day! While she will probably be upset and angry, I doubt she will resort to violence...sorry. And for those who are disappointed in the pregnancy storyline, I promise there will still be lots of ups and downs to keep you entertained, so thanks for hanging in there even though it didn't go exactly how you wanted. Thanks again for reading and reviewing! 3**

She slammed the car door, putting on her seatbelt and starting the ignition, but she couldn't seem to pull out of the parking space. How could she be pregnant? The doctor had made it perfectly clear that it wasn't possible for her. She couldn't wrap her brain around it. She grabbed her phone, sliding through the contacts until she found Elliot's name. She waited, the phone to her ear, while she heard the ringing on the other end. She might as well get this over with.

"Leave a message and I will get back to you as soon as I can…" his voice mail caught her off guard and she hung up, throwing the phone down on the seat.

"Damn it, El!" she yelled. "Why aren't you answering your phone?" She knew she shouldn't be angry. He was probably at work and she could've left a message but she didn't. He had called her, the day after Noah's birthday and she hadn't answered either. He'd left a message, explaining that he was sorry he couldn't come to the party, but that he didn't feel like hanging out with the old crowd and answering their questions all night. She believed him, but still she didn't call him back. Then he had called again, just yesterday, asking if she wanted to go to dinner. He said they could take Noah, go someplace more family-friendly, and come home early to get him to bed. But she hadn't returned that call either. She wasn't sure she was ready to let him in. He'd admitted he was unsure about having a baby in his life again, and she didn't want to force him into a life he didn't want, and she knew he'd pretend to be happy if he thought it was what she wanted.

But now…there was another baby to think about, "Oh shit," she suddenly realized it was a good thing that Elliot hadn't answered the phone. She couldn't tell him she was pregnant, not yet. He'd probably look at her with a phony grin and tell her how much he loved her and that this was great news, even though she knew he'd be bitter inside. He'd be wondering how the hell something like this could've happened to them and why he kept getting trapped in these situations. "God…I'm just like Kathy," she groaned as she pulled her car onto the road. "Maybe you won't be all that surprised after all, Stabler," she snickered. "Since you just go around knocking people up on a whim."

By the time she made it back to work she wasn't as angry anymore…at least not at Elliot. This wasn't his fault, no matter how many times it had happened to him before. She could have prevented it and she should have, but she didn't. And now she had to face the consequences of that. She walked into the squad room, relieved that none of the detectives were there and walked into her office. She sat at her desk, looking at her computer and smiling at the screen saver picture of Noah that stared back at her. She wanted to go home and feed him dinner and cuddle with him. She wanted that more than anything. She was about to shut down her computer and head home early when Fin knocked at the door. She had expected him to come check on her, and she knew she owed him the truth, especially after he had been so concerned, but she dreaded talking to him. She dreaded talking to anyone.

"Can I come in?" he peeked in the door and she nodded. He came in and sat across from her, "You were gone a long time. Everything okay?" he questioned.

"Yeah," she nodded. "I guess so…for now anyway."

"What did the doctor say?" he knew he was prying, but he was worried and he wasn't going to let her go home without telling him.

"I'm pregnant…" Olivia gasped a little as she let the words escape her lips. It was the first time she had said it aloud.

"I knew it," Fin smiled. "Congratulations…you must be so excited."

"That's not the word for it," she admitted sadly.

"You're not happy?" Fin asked. He knew how much she'd always wanted a baby so he hoped it was nothing more than cold feet.

"The doctor thinks I'll probably lose it anyway," she said tearfully.

"What?" Fin gasped in disbelief. "Is something wrong with the baby…with you?"

Olivia shook her head, "No…not right now. She just said my age is a serious concern…that most women my age miscarry in the first trimester. I can't get attached to this baby."

"Is she going to do anything to help you?" he asked, angry that the doctor had upset her so much. "Can't they do things to help you along…to keep you from losing the baby?"

"I don't know," Olivia sighed. "I have to call a specialist tomorrow. Someone who works with old pregnant ladies like me," she forced a laugh, but he could tell she was really hurting. "I'm going to have some tests done too…the doctor said if I carry to term, the baby might be sick."

"Seems like there are a lot of maybes…" Fin looked seriously at her. "_Maybe_…this kid will be just fine."

"Thanks for saying that," She really did feel better talking to him. She pulled the ultrasound photo out of her purse and slid it across her desk for him to look at. "This is my kid," she smiled, more sincerely this time.

Fin grinned happily, "The little blob definitely looks like a little Baby Benson to me," he teased. "You think Noah will like being a big brother?"

"Oh…I don't know," Olivia shook her head. "He won't even be two, Fin. This isn't fair to him, is it?"

"Hey…he's gonna have a playmate for the rest of his life," he reminded her. "Making him a big brother isn't a bad thing…it's a blessing."

"I hope so," she smiled. "I'm gonna head home…spend some time with him."

"Sounds like a good idea," Fin stood up and waited for her to gather her things. "Did you tell Cassidy yet? How'd he take the news?"

Olivia's eyes widened and she shook her head, "No, Fin…Brian is _not_ the father of this baby. _Please_ don't say anything to him."

"What? He's your ex…who the hell else have you been seeing?" he asked in disbelief.

"I haven't been with Brian since we broke up," Olivia assured him. "Keep him out of this!" She made her way toward the door, but Fin stepped in front of her.

"Then who is it?" he asked again. Maybe it wasn't any of his business, but he was worried about her and he wanted to make sure she was going to be okay. "Please tell me he's a good guy who will be there for you and the kid."

"He's a good guy," Olivia answered reluctantly. "But I haven't told him. He doesn't want more kids…he already has them. He's a grandfather…he doesn't want a baby. I'm going to ruin his life when I tell him." She felt a tear slide down her cheek and quickly wiped it away.

"He needs to know," Fin replied seriously.

"I'm going to tell him later," She admitted. "If I make it through the first trimester…then I'll tell him. There is no reason to tell him sooner if there might not be a baby." Speaking those words she realized it was the best choice. Elliot didn't need to know right now. It would be better if he didn't. "I'm going home," she opened her door and stormed out. Fin couldn't help but wonder who this mystery man was…whoever the guy was, Fin was going to make sure he took care of Olivia and that baby. They didn't deserve anything less.


	19. Chapter 19

**Thanks for the awesome reviews, and the comments about how quickly I am updating. Once I get on a roll, it is hard for me to stop thinking about the story, so I tend to get a lot written. Here is a little more...hopefully I will have another update later today. Your reviews encourage me to keep going, for sure...so thanks!**

"Mama…mama…mama" Noah's happy voice squealed when Olivia walked through the door. He had just started saying it, and it melted her heart every single time. She smiled and picked him up, kissing him on the cheek. "Mama…" he babbled again, happily.

"I missed my big boy," Olivia carried him to the sofa and sat him on her lap. "Were you good today?"

"Oh, hi Olivia," Maureen came out of the bathroom, Kate trailing behind her. "Noah got away from me when I was taking Kate potty. He's a little escape artist lately."

Olivia laughed, knowing her son's new found mobility was going to be a challenge. For a brief second she flashed to the thought of being hugely pregnant and trying to chase after him, but she quickly pushed that image from her mind, "I missed him today," she smiled. "So I came home a little early. You can go home early too if you want."

"Thanks," Maureen agreed. She got her things together and Kate climbed up on the couch to hug Olivia and Noah good-bye. "Oh…" Maureen added as she took Kate by the hand, "Dad called and said to tell you he'd be here to pick you up by 6:30." She headed toward the door.

"_What_?" Olivia turned quickly to look at her. "Why is he coming over here?"

Maureen shrugged, "He said he called and asked you and Noah to dinner and you called him back earlier but he didn't get your message. He assumed you were calling to say 'yes.'"

"Of course he did…" Olivia mumbled under her breath. She looked at her watch and knew she didn't have time to call him and cancel. He was probably already on his way. "Have a good night, Maureen," she waved as they walked out the door.

As afraid as she was of seeing Elliot, she had to admit she really _wanted_ to see him. She wasn't going to tell him she was pregnant, but for some reason she longed to be with him. Besides that, she was hungry…something that only seemed to happen in the evenings now. She sighed, thinking of how she could eat enough for six people at dinner, but then she spent the rest of the day fighting persistent nausea. It was unfair. She stood up, carrying her son and smiled at him, "Do you want to go out and eat with Mommy and Elliot tonight?" she asked him and he smiled like he understood. She went into the bedroom, sitting Noah on her bed and laughing as he entertained himself by hiding under the comforter and then peeking out at her. She looked through the closet, trying to decide on something to wear. She didn't feel like dressing up, and since it was a casual meal at a family-friendly restaurant she figured she didn't need to. She grabbed her favorite pair of jeans, for a brief moment wondering if they might be too tight now, but she knew that was ridiculous. She wasn't showing yet, and she hated that she couldn't even choose a simple pair of pants without the pregnancy consuming her thoughts. She pulled off her dress slacks and slipped into the jeans, buttoning them easily. Then she grabbed a blue flowered blouse, laying it on the bed and pulling off her white button-up work shirt. She looked in the mirror, noticing her cleavage spilling out of her bra. Her bra was too tight, no wonder it had been digging into her skin all day. Maybe she should have noticed that before now. She was going to change it, but she knew she'd get the same result from all the others. "How did I go up a freaking cup size and not even notice?" she whispered to herself as she pulled on the shirt and wondered if it looked too tight across her chest. She was considering changing when she heard the pounding at the door, knowing Elliot had arrived and it was too late to pick a different outfit.

She picked Noah up off the bed, placing him on her hip and walked quickly to the door. Looking through the peep hole she took a deep breath seeing Elliot on the other side, then she unlocked the door and let him in. "Hey…" he flashed a toothy grin. "I was wondering if we'd ever get the chance to get together." He walked into the living room. "I haven't seen you in over a month." He leaned in and kissed her on the cheek, then looked at Noah, taking his hand and tickling it, "How are you little man?" he asked. "Did you have a good birthday?"

"He did," Olivia smiled. "He loves the car you gave him. He hasn't stopped pushing those buttons. I'm about to take the batteries out," she laughed. "Can we go? I'm starving…" she realized she probably sounded a little too anxious and tried to cover for her mistake, "I skipped lunch today working on a case."

Elliot nodded as if it made perfect sense and led her out the door. When they arrived at the restaurant they were seated quickly and Olivia put Noah in the high chair, giving him his sippy cup and a few Cheerios. The baby was content to bang his cup on the table and see how much noise it could make. "He's growing so fast," Elliot smiled at the little boy. "I'm sorry I missed his birthday."

"It's okay," Olivia insisted. "I understand you didn't want to see everyone."

"I wanted to see _you_," he said honestly. "I should have come. I'm sorry…"

She smiled, "I should have returned your calls." She sighed, "El…I just don't want you to feel like I am trapping you in a life you don't want." The waitress came and took their orders, making sure to tell them how adorable the baby was and telling Elliot his son looked just like him. Elliot smiled and thanked her and when she left Olivia sighed, "See…like _that_. I don't want you to feel trapped like that."

"I don't, Liv," he insisted. "I'd be a fool not to want people to tell me this kid looks like me. He's adorable, you know?" He laughed, "But she's wrong…because he still looks like you."

"Yeah…she was just trying to get a good tip out of you," Olivia teased. "I need to use the ladies room…is it okay if I leave him with you?"

"Sure," Elliot nodded and played with the baby while she left. When she came back, the food was on the table, "Fast service here," he smiled as helped Noah with his dish of applesauce. The baby was making a mess, but seemed happy about it. Olivia sat down and took a bite of her cheeseburger. Elliot watched her devour her food and wondered if he'd ever seen her eat so much so fast, "Are you okay?" he asked.

"I'm fine," she insisted as she stuffed French fries in her mouth and washed them down with her chocolate milk shake. Then she realized he was looking suspiciously at her and decided she should slow down. "I'm going to take Noah to the restroom and get him cleaned up," she said quickly, rising from the table. She picked up her son and headed toward the ladies room. When she came back, Elliot had cleaned up the table space around the highchair so Noah couldn't make a bigger mess and Olivia sat the baby back in the highchair, but he wasn't nearly as happy without the applesauce mess to play in. He started to whine and fuss, and Olivia put down what was left of her burger so she could take him out and calm him down.

"Go ahead and eat," Elliot said, and he picked up the baby and walked him out to the lobby. Olivia could see him bouncing the little boy and patting his back until Noah had calmed down. Then they came back and Elliot sat him in his lap instead of the highchair and Noah seemed happy with that.

"Do you want me to take him?" Olivia asked, watching Elliot try to eat his sandwich with her son cuddled in his arms.

"No," he said with a smile. "I know how to hold a baby and eat at the same time. I've had some experience with it you know." He laughed. Then he took the pickles off his sandwich and sat them on the plate.

"Are you going to eat those?" Olivia asked quickly.

"No…they are way too salty for this sandwich," he looked at her and laughed. "You want them, don't you?" She shrugged, embarrassed that she didn't seem to be able to control her appetite and cursing herself for it. "Eat them, Liv," he smiled and put them on her plate. "But do me favor…don't skip lunch anymore. I don't want to have to fight you for food the next time we go out on a date, okay? Next time I might want my pickles."

He laughed and she smiled as she put the pickles in her mouth, savoring the tangy dill flavor, "Trust me, I'm never skipping a meal again. I promise." It felt so good to eat that she tried to forget the fact that she'd end up throwing it all up later.

A couple of hours later they walked in her front door and Elliot kissed her softly on the lips, "Thanks for a great date," he whispered. "I've missed hanging out with you."

"Me too," Olivia admitted. She pulled off Noah's jacket, hanging it by the door.

"I think we should do this more often…at least once a week," Elliot suggested. "I know you want to take things slowly and I don't want to pressure you. I think a weekly date would be a nice start."

"I'd like that," she smiled. She knew if she told him about the baby, he'd forget all about taking things slowly. At least if she agreed to one date a week, she could avoid him finding out before she was ready to tell him. "I need to give Noah his bath and put him to bed," she hoped that would be Elliot's signal to leave, but he just walked in and sat on the sofa. She carried the baby into his room, grabbing clean pajamas and headed to the bathroom to run his bath water. Normally, this was her favorite time of day…sitting on the bathroom floor while her son played in the water, tiring himself out for bed. Today she was too tired to really enjoy it though. It seemed she couldn't keep her eyes open past Noah's bedtime for weeks now. "Come on sweetie," she picked him up and sat him in the warm water, then lowered herself of the floor next to the tub. Her jeans were digging into her side, something that had never happened before and she unbuttoned them. "Great…now my clothes aren't going to fit after I eat." She had an uncomfortable fullness in her stomach and knew she'd eaten too much, but for some reason she didn't seem able to control her hunger once it hit.

The baby was splashing and playing, and she could feel her eyes drooping, jerking herself awake every once in a while. She knew she couldn't keep Noah in the tub if she was going to fall asleep. It wasn't safe. "Come on sweetie," she sighed and started to reach for him, but the baby cried and wanted to play longer, so she put her head in her hands and tried to wait him out. "Noah…Mommy doesn't feel so good…we need to get you to bed."

"Liv," Elliot stood at the doorway. "Are you okay?" He walked in, thinking it had taken a long time for the baby's bath and was concerned when he saw her looking so out of it. "Liv?" he asked again, and she looked up at him.

"I'm fine," she insisted, raising her head to look at him. "I'm just so tired."

"You look exhausted," Elliot walked over to her, putting his hand on her shoulder. "Why don't I finish giving Noah his bath and you go to bed," he suggested. He had never seen her look so pale and tired and it worried him. She started to argue, but he wouldn't take no for an answer. "Go on…I'll be in after I put the baby to bed."

She pulled herself up from the floor, suddenly feeling like the room was spinning around her. Then she leaned into him and lay her head on his chest. "You're staying tonight?" she asked him. "Maybe that's not such a good idea. I don't feel like…"

"Just to sleep," he assured her. "I want you to go tuck yourself into bed." He kissed her and smiled. "I think you've been working too hard. Skipping meals, falling asleep on the bathroom floor…I just want to make sure you get some rest tonight."

"Thanks," she whispered as she walked out of the bathroom and toward her own room. She pulled off her clothes and quickly threw on some sweat pants and an oversized t-shirt, relieved for the comfort of loose fitting clothes and climbed into bed. She fell asleep instantly, and didn't even notice when Elliot climbed into bed an hour later, wrapping her comfortingly in his arms.

The next time she woke up, the clock said 2:20 and she climbed out of bed, as quietly as she could, hoping she wouldn't wake up Elliot, but when her feet hit the floor she heard his voice, "Liv…where are you going?" he whispered.

"I have to go to the bathroom," she answered. "Go back to sleep." Lately she'd been waking up a couple of times a night to go to the bathroom, which was irritating, especially given how tired she was, but now that she knew about the pregnancy she assumed it would only get worse so she'd better get used to it. After she used the bathroom, she tiptoed to Noah's room, checking on him and smiling as she watched him sleep. She'd missed putting him to bed, and while she appreciated Elliot's help, she regretted not kissing her son goodnight. She walked back to her room, climbing into bed next to Elliot and leaning close to him.

He instinctively pulled her close, and whispered, "You okay?" and she could feel his warm breath on her neck.

"I'm fine," she assured him as she snuggled closer to him. Feeling his warm skin against hers, she'd never felt so safe. He loved her in a way no one else ever had and she knew she couldn't keep secrets from him any longer. He needed to know about the baby…their baby…she needed him to know. She couldn't carry this burden alone anymore. "El…" she whispered. "I need to tell you something…" But he didn't answer her and she could tell by his breathing that he was sound asleep again. She wasn't going to wake him up…so she closed her eyes and sighed, "I guess it can wait…" she whispered, and then she fell back asleep.


	20. Chapter 20

**As always...thanks for the reviews! **

**mandytyzack, To answer your question, Olivia does not see a doctor in the pregnancy test episode. She just takes a home test that is negative. I added the doctor part to my story because I really wanted her to be thrown off-guard by this. Hopefully that clears things up for you. :)**

**Anyway...back to the story.**

"Oh God…" Olivia groaned when she woke up the next morning. She was getting used to the miserable feeling she awoke to every day, but she wasn't used to being tangled in Elliot's arms. She twisted and turned, trying to free herself from his hold without waking him up, but when she felt the now-familiar stomach pangs and acid rising in her throat, she threw his arms off of her and rushed out of the room, not caring if he woke up or not. She clutched the sides of the toilet, leaning over it while her dinner from the night before came up in violent heaves.

She hadn't heard him come in behind her and his voice startled her, "Liv?" he asked as he carefully came up and knelt behind her. He had never seen her so sick and it scared him more than he wanted to admit. "Liv…can you hear me?"

She nodded, moaning painfully as she threw up once more. "I'm okay…" she said between heaves.

"Like hell you are," he said as he grabbed a washcloth from the counter and moistened it with cool water, kneeling back down and holding it to the back of her neck while she vomited yet again. "How long has this been going on?" he asked her, suddenly remembering her mentioning that she had the flu when he'd talked to her on Noah's birthday. The baby started to cry and he looked toward the door. There was no way Olivia was going to be able to tend to her son and he hated to leave her alone when she was so ill.

"Can you go get the baby?" she asked, her voice tired and weak…interrupted by another bout of sickness.

"Yeah…I'll go get him," he reluctantly left her on the bathroom floor. He walked into Noah's room and picked him up from the crib. "Hey buddy," he smiled at the little boy. "Mommy doesn't feel well this morning, so you're stuck with me," he kissed the baby on the cheek and then put him on the changing table and changed his diaper. Looking through the dresser at all the tiny clothes, he picked a pair of jeans and a shirt, dressing him quickly. "Do you know how long it's been since I've picked out clothes to dress a baby? If your Mommy is anything like my ex-wife, she'll make sure to tell me I picked the wrong thing." he tickled the baby's stomach and the little boy grinned at him. "Nah...she wouldn't do that, would she? Besides, you look pretty darn cute in this." He picked the baby up and walked back toward the bathroom to check on Olivia, but he heard the shower running. At least she wasn't still hanging over the toilet. So he took the baby to the kitchen, sitting him in his highchair and giving him some banana chunks for breakfast and filling a sippy cup with milk.

"Thanks…" Olivia's voice was weak as she walked slowly into the room a few minutes later, sitting at the table. Her hair was wet, sticking to her head and her skin was ghostly pale. "I'm glad you fed him."

"Are you feeling any better?" Elliot asked her with worry.

She nodded, "Yeah…I think so." She looked like she might cry, but she was determined not to. "This is so embarrassing, El. I'm sorry you had to see that."

"People get sick, Liv. You've seen me after a night of heavy drinking right?" he gave her a slight smile to let her know he was teasing. He put a plate of toast in front of her along with a steaming cup of tea and saw the look of disgust on her face. "Try it," he insisted. "Nibble the toast and sip the tea. You'll feel better." He looked at her and his voice was serious, "You need to go to the doctor."

"I already did," she admitted. She looked at him, trying to gauge his reaction…determining how much he already knew…not unlike what she did when she was interrogating a suspect, but all she was certain of was that he was looking her over the exact same way.

"What did the doctor say?" he asked, unable to hide the nervous crack in his voice.

She sipped her tea, not wanting to look him in the eye, "She said…it's probably just a bug and I'll feel better soon," she lied. "We keep passing it back and forth at work." She didn't know why she couldn't tell him the truth, especially since she suspected he already knew.

He nodded, "I need to get to work," he kissed her on the top of her head. "Feel better," he said, his voice flat as he walked out of the room.

She sighed, knowing he was hurt she'd lied to him. He always knew when she was lying and she realized she should go after him, but she just sat there, nibbling her toast and watching Noah smear banana all over his highchair. She needed to call the perinatologist first, find out if she was really going to be able to have this baby. If she told him now, all of her options would be gone, and she'd realized that about five seconds after she'd decided to tell him in the middle of the night. She was grateful he had been asleep. He would expect her to have this baby, regardless of anything that could be wrong with it...anything that could go wrong with her. He'd never consent to the genetic testing, and in her heart she needed to know if there was something wrong with her baby.

She heard the front door open and slam shut as he left the apartment. "I'm so sorry, El…" she whispered tearfully, and she really and truly was, but there was nothing she could do about it.


	21. Chapter 21

**Thanks again for all the reviews! Here is some more...**

Olivia glanced at her phone as she walked into the precinct. It had been a week since she'd seen Elliot…a week since he had called or texted her. When he'd walked out of her apartment that morning she'd fully expected him to call and confront her, but he never did and she hadn't had the guts to reach out to him either. She had just finished her first appointment with the perinatologist and he had been so much more positive than her own doctor that for the first time since she'd found out she was pregnant she wasn't completely scared to death. While he agreed that her age did put her and the baby at greater risk, he also shared story after story of older women who had given birth to perfectly healthy babies and that put her mind at ease. He agreed she should have some tests done though and recommended chorianic villus sampling, a procedure where he would remove a small piece of the placenta to test for chromosomal abnormalities. He wanted to perform the procedure when she was in her tenth week, and was insistent that she couldn't drive herself home or lift over fifteen pounds for two days after, so she had very little time to find someone to take her to the appointment and help her with Noah for a few days. She thought about telling Maureen the whole truth, but she didn't feel like that was fair to Elliot. She knew she should just come clean with him, no matter how angry he would be about the genetics test, and honestly she was ready for him to know. It was getting more and more difficult to deal with the pregnancy on her own.

She texted him, _Hey, I thought we were going to go on a date once a week? Isn't it date night?_ thinking that might get a response from him.

She walked to her office, putting the phone on her desk, beginning to sort through the mounds of paperwork she hadn't finished over the last few weeks. No matter how hard she tried to catch up, the constant nausea and dizziness, not to mention the lack of focus due to her nervousness over the pregnancy kept her from finishing anything.

Her phone buzzed, and she smiled knowing Elliot had replied back to her right away. She picked up the phone and sighed, _I can't. I'm working late_. Nothing more. He didn't want to see her. She had lied to him and he wasn't going to forget it.

She looked up as Fin tapped on the door and motioned for him to come in. "Where the hell were you all morning?" he asked, frustrated.

"I had a doctor's appointment," she answered. "Why? Is something wrong?"

He shook his head, "No…not now. But I had to smooth things over with Amaro and Rollins. Nick needed you to observe an interrogation this morning and Amanda said you were supposed to go over her evaluation with her."

"Oh…I forgot," Olivia was angry with herself for messing up. "I'll apologize and I'll go over Amanda's eval right now."

"You need to tell them…about little Baby Benson," he said seriously. "They deserve to know."

"I _can't_ tell them," she argued.

"Why not?" he asked. "You know they'd be supportive. They care about you and they'll be much more understanding when you need to leave for appointments or to throw up or whatever…"

"If I tell them," she said honestly, "Then I'm going to have to disclose this pregnancy to the higher ups. You know what's going to happen then…"

He nodded, "We'll get a new C.O." He sighed, "No one wants that…but you need to take care of yourself and that little baby. Maybe it would be better for everyone, just until after you have the baby."

"That's seven months, Fin," she did her best to hold back her tears. "If I give this up now, they'll never promote me again."

"I doubt that's true," he tried to comfort her. "But even if it is, I know you want to do what is best for this baby. I know that…"

"You can tell them," she said sadly. "I don't want to."

"If I tell them instead of you, then you don't have to disclose…is that what you're thinking?" he asked.

She nodded, "I promise I will after I know everything is okay with the baby."

"Alright," Fin agreed. "I'll tell Amaro and Rollins on the down low." He looked at her and smiled, "How was your appointment?"

She smiled, "Good…I got to see the baby again. Everything still looks perfect and the specialist was really positive about things. He thinks I can carry the baby to term."

"That's great," he hugged her. "I knew this was going to work out. I'm glad to see you smiling about it."

She nodded, "I'm still nervous, but I'm happy." She cleared her throat, "Fin…I have to have a test done…to check the baby for defects. I need someone to drive me. Do you think you could take me? It shouldn't take long and you'd just have to drive me home after…not stay or anything…"

"Of course I can do it," he agreed. "You sure you don't want to ask the baby's father though? You might be more comfortable with him."

She shook her head, "He doesn't want to come…and I don't want to talk about him. Thanks for agreeing to drive me."

"Just let me know the date and time," he said as he walked to the door. He could tell how sad she was mentioning the father of her baby and it broke his heart. He wanted to know who this guy was so he could knock some sense into him.


	22. Chapter 22

She had tried to text Elliot three more times over the past two weeks, with no luck. He wasn't going to let her off the hook easily and she knew she deserved the cold shoulder after lying to him, but that didn't mean she wasn't hurt by it. Maybe if she straight out told him she was pregnant, he would've responded, but she hadn't had the nerve to do that. Her texts had all been sent under the guise of checking to see how he was doing or asking if he wanted to get together and he'd always sent back a brief reply saying he was fine but busy. That was it…nothing else.

She was packing a small suit case for Noah and she wanted to cry. She was going to miss him the next two days. She had asked Maureen if she could watch Noah for a couple of days, telling her she'd been having some female problems and that she was having a procedure done, but not specifying anything more. Maureen didn't pry, but quickly agreed to take Noah with her to Queens for a couple of days. Olivia wondered what Maureen had said to Elliot about their little visitor, but she didn't ask. He obviously didn't care, or he would've called her.

"I'm gonna miss you," she hugged the baby close to her and carried him along with his suitcase into the living room. She hadn't been away from him since he'd come to live with her, and thinking about the next two days was heartbreaking. Maureen arrived and was busy getting Noah's things together to take to her car while Olivia sat on the sofa, tears streaming down her face as she said good-bye to her little boy.

"He's gonna be fine," Maureen assured her. "We're gonna have so much fun, right buddy?" she asked with a smile. "You just take care of yourself," she looked sadly at Olivia. She knew Olivia had been sick, for quite a while now, and even though she wasn't sure exactly what was going on, she was worried. "Dad said to tell you he hopes you feel better," Maureen offered. She had told her father that Olivia had asked her to keep Noah a couple of days and he had seemed genuinely concerned, but when she'd suggested he call and talk to her, he had refused. She wondered why the two of them were so stubborn with one another. It was obvious they needed each other, but neither of them would admit it.

"Tell him thanks," she sighed, wondering why Elliot couldn't just come and tell her himself. Suddenly she felt the overwhelming urge to throw up and ran out of the room, ending their conversation.

Maureen continued to pack up Noah's playpen and a few toys he loved, while Noah and Kate sat on the sofa watching Sesame Street. The knock at the door startled her at first, but she opened it to find Fin there and smiled. She remembered Olivia saying a friend was going to drive her to her appointment that morning. "Hey, Fin," she said as she led him into the living room. "How are you doing?"

"Maureen?" he asked, unsure if he had the right one of Stabler's daughters. They all looked alike to him. She nodded and he smiled, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm watching Noah for Olivia," she answered. "I'm his nanny." She walked over to the sofa and sat down with the kids and he followed her, sitting in the chair across from them. "Olivia didn't tell you?"

"No…" he answered, wondering why Olivia had kept it a secret. "Where is she?"

Maureen pointed toward the bathroom, "She's not feeling well…again," she sighed.

"Oh," he nodded, wondering if Maureen knew anything about the pregnancy. "How's your dad doing?" he asked, changing the subject. "I haven't seen him in years."

"He's good," she smiled and picked up her daughter. "He loves being a grandpa…this is my daughter."

"She's beautiful…like her mother," he winked at her and she smiled. "_Grandpa_? Man…makes me feel old. Tell him he should give his old friends a call. We've all wondered about him. I know Olivia has…it was hard for her when he left."

"Olivia and Dad have seen each other," Maureen suddenly realized Olivia hadn't told her friends anything about seeing Elliot. "Right after I came to work here…they made up. Well for a while anyway…I don't know what's going on between them now but I think they're fighting again. You know how stubborn they both are…"

He went over her words again and again, "They made up?" he asked and Maureen nodded, and finally he understood everything. No wonder Olivia wouldn't tell him who the father of her baby was, and right now all he wanted to do was punch Elliot Stabler in the face. "I'd love to get together with him," he suggested. "Do you think he'd be willing to get together and talk?"

"Probably," Maureen replied. "He works at Litzman Security in Queens. You could give him a call later."

Olivia came back from the bathroom, her face sickly and pale, but relieved when she saw Fin had arrived. "Are you ready?" she asked.

"Sure," he took her by the arm, "You doing alright?" he asked gently.

She nodded, "Same old…same old." She leaned over and kissed Noah, "Bye sweetie. I'm going to miss you." Then she looked at Maureen, "Thanks again…call me if you need to and I'll call and check on him tonight." She brushed away her tears and hugged Kate, "Have fun with Noah…show him all the cool things at your house, okay?"

"Okay, Livia," the little girl giggled and Olivia smiled.

"Good luck," Maureen reached out and hugged her. "If you need anything, call me. I can get back here."

"Thanks," Olivia smiled. Then she walked out the door with Fin. She wished she had told Elliot the truth. She needed him to be there, but it was her own fault he wasn't. "I appreciate this, Fin," she leaned back in the car, trying to fight the queasiness that was taking over her entire body.

"Don't worry about it," he looked at her and he hated Elliot for making her go through all of this alone. "It's gonna be okay…I know it."


	23. Chapter 23

The procedure had gone well, and the doctor had promised the results within a week. Fin helped Olivia into her apartment, even though she insisted she felt just fine. The doctor said she should expect some cramping for the next couple of days, but so far she hadn't felt anything out of the ordinary and she was grateful. She was tired though, which had nothing to do with the procedure, but since she had a few days off she figured she should take advantage of the chance to rest. "I'm gonna go lay down," she said. "Thanks again for driving me. I really appreciate it."

"No problem," Fin smiled. "You want me to stay awhile…make sure everything is okay?"

She shook her head, "I'm fine," she insisted. "I'll call if I need anything. I promise," she hugged him and he knew she was scared for her baby. The doctor had said there was a very slight chance of miscarriage after the procedure, and he knew that was weighing heavily on her mind.

"I'll have my cell on," he reminded her. "You get some sleep." He walked out the door, waiting to hear the clicks on the locks before heading down to his car. He pulled out his phone, quickly googling Litzman Security…Elliot Stabler had given up detective work to be a rent-a-cop? Some things never ceased to amaze him. He looked at the address and drove there, not really thinking about what he'd say when he saw him. All he knew was Elliot had hurt Olivia…three years ago when he'd fallen off the face of the earth without a trace…and again now when she was left all alone carrying his baby. He wouldn't let him get by with that.

He sat in the parking lot, wishing Stabler would come out of the building but he never did. If Fin wanted to confront him, he'd have to go inside. He made his way slowly toward the entrance, pulling open the door and staring at the smiling receptionist, "May I help you, sir?" she asked.

"I need to see Elliot Stabler," he said quickly, fully expecting the woman to tell him he was out on a job or something.

"Mr. Stabler is in a meeting with a client," she replied. "I'm afraid he's booked all day. You can come back…"

He wasn't sure why, but he was furious. He'd thought Elliot was a security guard but apparently he was some kind of business executive…damn that guy. He flashed his badge, "I'm gonna see him _now_," he insisted and the woman looked surprised as he pushed past her and into the office.

Elliot was sitting in the room with a woman, the client apparently. She wasn't young, but not old either and Fin shook his head at the obvious way Elliot was flirting with her. He had always been the kind of guy to use whatever methods he could to get what he wanted and it looked like things hadn't changed. "What the hell…" Elliot stood up and looked from Fin to the secretary who had followed behind him.

"I'm sorry…he flashed his badge and ran right past me," the secretary explained.

"It's okay," Elliot nodded, letting her know it was alright to go back to her desk. He looked at the client, "It appears I have another appointment. Call me later Mrs. Sharples and I will work out some times to have a couple of guards come interview with you at the store." He shook the woman's hand and she walked out, looking frustrated that her meeting was cut short. When the woman was out of earshot, Elliot walked past Fin and slammed the door. "What the _hell_ are you doing here?" he asked. "You can't just barge in here like that…"

"Shut the hell up," Fin yelled. "Sit down and shut up!"

"You can't come in here and talk to me like that!" Elliot argued. "Who the hell do you think you are? This is my office…my _job_…I don't know why you're here..."

"We need to talk about Olivia," Fin knew he'd struck a nerve by the way Elliot slumped at the mention of her name.

"What about her?" he asked, "Is she okay?"

"She's fine. We can't do this here," Fin said seriously. "Trust me…you _don't_ want to do this here."

Elliot walked past him, opening the door and stopping at the receptionist's desk, telling her he had a family emergency and asking her to cancel his appointments for the day. Then he walked out the door, Fin following behind him. They walked two blocks down and Elliot opened the door to a small bar, grabbing a table and sitting, ordering drinks when the waitress came over, and still not speaking to Fin as he stared across the table at him. "So…you're in charge of that security company now?" Fin asked, unsure of how to proceed.

"Cut the shit," Elliot's eyes burned through him like daggers. "You didn't pull me out of work for small talk. You said this is about Liv? What's wrong with her?"

"You don't know?" Fin asked, not really believing him.

The waitress brought their drinks, and Elliot swallowed his in one fast gulp, slamming the glass down on the table. "I know she's been sick," he admitted. "Maureen said she was having some kind of medical procedure today…but she didn't know what it was or why." He looked down at the table, "She's been texting me…but we had a fight…"

"You had a fight?" Fin asked. "So you figured you'd just let her deal with this on her own?"

"She lied to me!" Elliot scowled. "I tried to help her while she was puking her guts out, I took care of her kid, I made her tea…and she looked right at me and lied to me. She told me she had the damn flu. All she had to do was tell me…and she didn't even have the decency to do that."

"She's scared," Fin said.

"Damn her," Elliot closed his eyes, clenching his fists. "What's wrong with her?" he asked, opening his eyes and taking a deep breath. "How bad is it?"

Fin was confused. He had been sure Elliot knew about the baby, especially when he said Olivia had lied to him, but now he wasn't so sure. "What are you talking about?" he asked.

"She's sick," Elliot tried not to show how emotional he was. "Maureen told me Liv's been sick for weeks now…that she keeps going to doctor's appointments and she even asked her to keep the baby for a couple of days. She'd never do that unless she had to. She told Maureen it was some kind of female thing…so what is it? Cancer? God…I should've called her…I don't know why I didn't…"

"Elliot…she's not sick," Fin couldn't believe his ears. Olivia had told him her baby's father didn't want to be there for her, but he didn't even know the truth. "She's pregnant."

"No…she's not," Elliot shook his head. "There's no way."

"She's pregnant, Elliot," Fin wondered from his response if Elliot would have rather heard she had cancer. "Ten weeks…"

"She told me she _couldn't_ get pregnant," Elliot sighed. "She said the doctor told her she was menopausal or something. So...she's lied to me _twice_…"

"Hey…I don't think she lied to you about that," Fin insisted. "She didn't think she could have a baby. I know that. Believe me…she was in some serious denial about this pregnancy for a long time. That's probably why she didn't tell you," he looked serious. "It is yours…right?" He hated to ask, but after he'd opened up this can of worms he was worried about the mess he'd created. Olivia was never going to forgive him.

"Yeah…it's mine," Elliot shook his head in defeat. Even though she hadn't been truthful with him about the pregnancy, there was no doubt in his mind that it was his baby. "I have to talk to Liv," he stood up from the table and headed toward the door. Fin watched him go, wondering if he should go after him, but he didn't. He'd done more harm than good, even though he'd meant well. He ordered another drink and hoped for the best.

**More to come...**


	24. Chapter 24

**I am extremely flattered by the kind reviews for this story. I am glad so many of you have left your thoughts. It means a lot to me!**

The cramping had started an hour earlier and she'd curled up on the sofa, covered with a blanket, trying to convince herself that it was nothing to worry about. The doctor had said to expect it…that the procedure had stimulated her uterus and cramping was a logical consequence of that, but he'd also said to call if the cramps were strong and she was having trouble deciding what constituted "strong." They probably weren't worse than menstrual cramps, but she'd always thought her menstrual cramps were painful. She put her hand gently on her stomach, feeling the slight roundness that she was sure was noticeable to no one but her, "You're gonna be fine, little one," she promised the baby and hoped she was telling the truth. "Stay put for Mommy…please," she begged.

There was a pounding at the door, and she jumped, startled by it. She wasn't expecting anyone and she didn't want to see anyone either…especially not right now. It was probably Fin, coming back to check on her. She pulled herself up from the couch and walked slowly to the door, trying not to jostle her body in any way. The pounding resumed and she groaned, wondering why he was being so persistent, but grateful that he cared enough to check on her. She looked out the peep hole and froze. It wasn't Fin, it was Elliot and she wasn't going to open the door. If she was quiet, maybe he'd think she wasn't home. She couldn't face him right now.

"Olivia!" he shouted, "Let me in. I know you're in there!" She stood on her side of the door and cringed as he pounded harder. "Damn it Liv…open this damn door!" Her neighbors would probably call the police if she didn't do something, and that was the last thing either of them needed. She unlocked the door and pulled it open, looking at his face, red with anger. He didn't say anything, just stared at her and she swallowed the lump in her throat. He shook his head, "When were you going to tell me?" he asked painfully.

She closed the door, and walked slowly back to the couch. He watched her, realizing she was in pain and even though he was angry he was faced with an overwhelming concern for her wellbeing. He followed her, noticing the blankets and pillows and watched as she put a pillow behind her back and curled her feet under her. Instinctively he picked up the blanket, wrapping it around her and she looked at him tearfully, "How did you find out?" she asked.

He sat next to her, "Fin told me."

"I'm gonna kill him," she sighed. "He shouldn't have done that."

"You're right," he agreed. "_You_ should have."

"I'm sorry…" was the only response she could muster, and she truly was. She should have told him and she'd known it from the beginning.

"Ten weeks, Liv…ten damn weeks…" he shook his head and closed his eyes. "When were you going to tell me?"

She shrugged, "I just wanted to make sure I could do this…that I could have the baby…"

"What do you mean?" he asked. "Were you thinking about _not_ having this baby?" He looked at her, so weak and pale and he remembered the procedure she was supposed to have done that day, "Oh God…you didn't have an abortion did you? Liv, please…"

"No," she insisted. "Of course not…why would you think that?"

"I'm sorry…I just knew you were having something done today," he looked at her seriously. "What did you have done today?"

"A test," she answered, knowing he wouldn't be thrilled about it. "To check for abnormalities…"

"Why?" he asked. "Why would you do that?"

"Because I'm forty-six and pregnant," she tried to explain. "Do you know what the odds are of having a baby with some sort of defect at my age?"

"I don't want to know the odds," he argued. "It doesn't matter."

"One in twenty, El…and it matters to _me_," she cried. "I need to know."

He shook his head, "So, if something is wrong, you're not going to have it? Is that what you're saying? I have no say in this?"

"That's not what I'm saying," she had dreaded this conversation and she knew he would never see her side. "I just need to know…to know what I'm facing here."

"Just admit it," his words were sharp, "You don't think you can love this baby if it isn't perfect."

"I _love_ this baby," she argued. "Don't you _ever_ say that to me again! I love this baby enough to give it a fighting chance…not just leave everything up to fate."

"It's up to God…not fate," he sputtered.

"God would want me to know if the baby is sick…to have time to read up on it and determine what is best for the baby and for us," she cried. "Oh…" she doubled over, holding her stomach and trying to breathe slowly while the cramp passed.

"What's wrong?" he asked nervously, but she didn't answer. "Liv…what the hell is going on? Do you need a doctor?"

She shook her head as the cramp passed and she was able to relax her body, "No…I'm okay. The doctor said I'd probably have cramps after the procedure. It's normal…the tube they used to remove the placenta sample stimulated my uterus, but it'll let up by tomorrow."

"You let them stick a tube inside you and pull out part of our baby's placenta?" he asked in disbelief. "And you didn't think you needed to talk with me about that?"

"I couldn't talk to you about it, El," she said sadly. "I knew you'd react like this."

"And you did it anyway," he stood up and walked toward the door. "I hope you feel better. Let me know if you decide to have the baby…"

"Elliot," she stood up, wanting to run after him but she was too uncomfortable to chase him down. He slammed the door and she cried as she watched him go. She was going to call him, but decided it would probably be better to just go to the bathroom and head to bed. She'd try talking to him again in the morning.

Elliot sat in his jeep, seething with anger. He loved her…even with all of this, he still loved her. He didn't know what to do. He didn't want a baby, especially not a sick one…and it scared him that he felt that way, but it had happened and so it was obviously God's will. She didn't have the right to put that decision into her own hands…no matter how scared either of them were. He wanted to go back up and talk to her, but she wasn't feeling well and he'd yelled at her. He was ashamed of himself for that. She was carrying his baby, and he'd yelled at her. He should've told her he was happy…even though he wasn't…and he should have taken care of her…but he hadn't. His cell phone rang, bringing him back from his thoughts and he picked it up and looked at it. It was her…why was she calling him now? He wasn't ready to talk to her. He was afraid he'd get angry again and he didn't want to yell at her anymore. He started the jeep, letting the phone go to voicemail. He was ready to pull out of his parking space when the phone beeped, a signal that he had a new text message. He picked it up and looked at it, his face dropping. _El, please come back. I need help. I'm bleeding._

He pulled the keys out of the ignition and ran upstairs.


	25. Chapter 25

**Once again I want to thank everyone for the reviews on this story. I appreciate those who are taking the time to read it and also those who share their thoughts with me. I'd like to take a moment to address some of the comments made in the reviews. First, I apologize to anyone who thinks this story is out of character or that I am wreaking emotional havoc on the readers. That is not my intent, but I can respect that if you feel that way you may not want to read it anymore. Second, I did not write this to make people sympathize with Elliot. I have very little sympathy for him either, but my goal isn't to portray a fairytale. I can't imagine that after being completely out of each other's lives for three years (by his choice...not hers) that they could just jump into a relationship and live happily ever after. That doesn't mean this story will not have a happy ending, just that they have a lot to work through if that is going to happen. I plan to make them work for it, face their own demons, and admit to their mistakes before they can have that happy ending. These two have been in love for a long time, but now that they are free to explore that, it isn't necessarily as easy as some may think it should be.**

**And to NYPDLiz...thanks so much for saying you trust my writing! That means a lot to me. I hope I've made it clear that I appreciate all of the readers on here, even the ones who may disagree with where this is heading. Varying opinions keep things interesting!**

"Liv…where are you!" he called out as he ran into her apartment. He was surprised the door was unlocked since she never seemed to leave the room without bolting the door, but he was grateful she'd forgotten this time. "_Liv_…" And then he saw her, walking slowly down the hall from the bathroom, tears streaming down her cheeks and he ran to her and pulled her close. "It's okay," he whispered. "It's gonna be okay."

"I have to go to the hospital," she cried. "That's what is says on my discharge papers from this morning…to go to the hospital if there's any bleeding."

"Let's go then," he took her arm and guided her carefully to the door. Seeing her in so much pain was heartbreaking, and he hated himself for it. _He_ had caused this. How could he have treated her that way? And now she was going to lose the baby because of him…because of his selfish pride…because of his need to always be right and have things his way. She deserved better than him. She always had. He wished he had never come back.

"Are you doing alright?" he asked as he drove to the hospital and she gave a weak nod, but didn't answer. She was staring out the window, trying to hold in her tears. "Liv…I'm so sorry…"

"Don't," she answered quickly. "Please don't talk to me right now."

So they sat in silence the rest of the way to the hospital. When they arrived, he helped her down and tried to take her hand, but she pulled it away as they walked inside. The nurse at the front desk took the information, and asked them to sit and wait. "She needs to be seen _now_," Elliot argued. "We're _not_ going to sit and wait."

"Sir, we have trauma patients ahead of her," the nurse tried to explain. "First trimester bleeding isn't considered urgent."

"Not urgent?" he yelled. "She's going to lose this baby…"

"El, come on…" Olivia pulled him toward the chairs in the waiting room. She sat down slowly, her hand resting on her stomach, and he sat next to her.

"I can't believe they are making you wait out here," he looked around the room, filled with people of all ages with a variety of ailments.

"Well who should I go in front of…the old lady with chest pains or the little boy with anaphylaxis? God El…think about other people once in a while," she sighed.

"I _am_…I'm thinking about _you_," he insisted. "I'm thinking about the baby."

"If I'm going to lose this baby, there's nothing they can do to stop it," she looked at him tearfully. "It doesn't matter how fast they see me."

Finally the nurse came out and took them to an examination room. "Your blood pressure is a little high," she said, taking the cuff from Olivia's arm. "Maybe just the stress of everything," she gave a warm smile, trying to put her patient as ease. She grabbed a gown and handed it to her, "Put this on, and the doctor will be in to see you soon."

Olivia was sitting in bed, and Elliot paced back and forth across the room, "Where is that doctor?" he asked anxiously. "You've been waiting forever."

"Elliot…just sit down," she was tired and he was making her nervous. "I think the bleeding's stopped."

"Well that's good, right?" he sat in the chair next to her bed. "How are you feeling?"

"I don't know," she said honestly.

"Liv…I'm so sorry. I know this is my fault," he took her hand and squeezed it. "I never meant to hurt you like this. You have to know that…"

"This isn't your fault," she sighed. "My doctor said I'd probably lose the baby. She said that about ten seconds after she told me I was pregnant. I let myself get attached…" She wiped away the tears that were sliding down her cheeks, as the doctor walked in.

"How are we doing in here?" the doctor asked as he picked up her chart and looked over it. "Bleeding at ten weeks…how heavy is it?"

"It wasn't _really_ heavy," Olivia explained. "But it was more than spotting. I think it's stopped."

"Okay," he took some notes and asked her to lean back so he could complete the exam. "Have you been having cramps?" he asked.

"Some…but I had CVS done today and the doctor said I would have cramping," she explained.

He nodded, and looked back in her chart, "Was it transvaginal or transabdominal?" he asked.

"Transvaginal," she answered. "They couldn't get to the placenta through the abdomen. The doctor said it was safe…"

"It is," he assured her. "But you're right about the bleeding, it has stopped and everything looks okay right now. The bleeding could have been from the CVS or it could have been a ruptured cyst or something. There's no way to know now that it's stopped. I want to do an ultrasound though to check on the baby."

"But you think the baby is okay?" she asked.

"I can't say for certain, but the ultrasound will let us know," the doctor left to get the ultrasound machine.

"All this commotion and everything is _fine_?" Olivia couldn't believe her ears. She had been sure she was going to lose the baby, and while she was relieved by the good news she had a hard time accepting it. She felt like something could still go wrong. "How could there be so much blood if the baby's fine?"

"Kathy had bleeding with the twins," Elliot told her. "A lot in the beginning. I think it just happens sometimes."

"I don't want to talk about Kathy," Olivia sighed. "I know this isn't new for you…but it is to me. I have a right to be scared."

"I know," he agreed. "And it _is_ new for me, Liv…I've never done this with _you_ before. That makes is brand new…trust me."

The doctor came in and set up the ultrasound machine. Squeezing the cold gel on her bare skin, he took the transducer and gently sliding it and pushing on her stomach, and then he smiled and turned the screen toward them, "There you go," he nodded. "Looks good."

Elliot stared in awe at the sight of their baby on the screen. Maybe he didn't plan on becoming a father again, but he couldn't deny how special it was. "Liv…," he smiled. "That's our baby…"

"Yeah," she couldn't control her emotions any longer, letting her tears fall. "Look how much he's moving around…"

"The baby looks perfect," the doctor assured them. "The heart is beating nicely, movement looks good…I'd say everything is just fine, at least for now."

"For now?" Elliot asked nervously.

The doctor nodded, "I can't say for certain that things won't change. There are a lot of risk factors with this pregnancy. But for now, you can relax a little. The baby is safe and sound in there," he smiled.

"What about the bleeding?" Olivia asked. "Is it going to start again?"

"I can't say," the doctor answered. "For now, I'm recommending you go home and rest for a few days. And you need to be on pelvic rest for at least two weeks. If you have more bleeding over the next couple of days, just try to lay back and put your feet up until it stops. If it doesn't stop or becomes heavy, come back to the hospital. I wish I could give you more specific answers…but there really aren't any."

"Okay," she was disappointed that the doctor couldn't provide more certainty, but she was grateful the baby was okay for now.

They were both quiet as they drove home and Elliot noticed how Olivia kept her hand on her stomach, her way of protecting the baby. He'd never seen her as scared as she had been at the hospital and even though things seemed fine for now, he knew she was running every possible scenario through her mind. She wasn't convinced yet that this baby would make it to term, and he could see it was breaking her heart. "I know you love this baby," he said, and she turned to look at him. "At the apartment…when I said you couldn't love the baby if it wasn't perfect…I was out of line. Liv, I'm sorry…"

"I just need to know if there is something wrong so I can prepare for it," she explained. "I need that."

He nodded, "I understand." He gave her a serious smile, "You're a good mother, Liv. I want you to know that."

"Thanks," she forced a weak smile. "El…I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

He pulled up in front of her apartment and turned off the ignition. Then he reached out, softly touching the hand she had placed on her stomach, "Can I…" he asked and she moved her hand, letting him place his there and putting hers on top of his. He sighed, feeling the slight roundness beneath his hand, "I don't blame you for not telling me," he admitted. "I've been a jerk. I don't deserve you. I never did."

"But I love you," she reminded him, and she leaned over and kissed him softly. "I'm tired, El. We need to get upstairs." He nodded, climbing out of the jeep and walking around to her side. He helped her down, putting his arm around her waist as they walked toward the apartment.


	26. Chapter 26

**Thanks again for the kind reviews. I am so glad most people are happy with the direction the story is taking. Here is a little more...**

The next morning, sunlight was streaming through the window when Elliot woke up, Olivia wrapped safely in his arms. She hadn't asked him to stay, but both of them knew she needed him. By the time they'd made it upstairs she was physically and emotionally drained, so much so that he had to help her into bed. Then he had insisted on staying with her in case she needed anything in the night, but she had slept straight through, and he was grateful for that. She needed to rest.

He pulled his arm carefully out from under her head, trying not to wake her, and she rolled over, groaning slightly, but not opening her eyes. She was wearing a tank top that clung to her shape and sweat pants that were way too big, but she was beautiful. She'd thrown the clothes on quickly when they came home the night before, anxious to get out of her others that were stained with blood, a reminder of the torment she'd gone through. He climbed out of bed, picking up her dirty clothes from the floor by the bed and taking them into the bathroom, soaking them in cold water and scrubbing them with detergent. He didn't want her to have to worry about it if he could. He was determined to make this as easy for her as possible.

Leaving the clothes hanging in the bathroom, he made his way to the kitchen. He looked through the refrigerator and cabinets, impressed that she seemed to have mastered the art of grocery shopping over the past few years, but then again she had Noah to think about so she had to have food in the house. He wanted to make her breakfast, but remembering how sick she'd been the last time he was there he wasn't sure it would be the best idea. So he made coffee for himself and a cup of weak tea for her and made it back to the bedroom just as she was opening her eyes. "Good morning" he smiled and sat next her on the bed. "How are you feeling?"

She shrugged, sitting up and taking a deep breath, "Queasy," she admitted. "But I always wake up sick."

"Do you want me to help you to the bathroom?" he asked.

She shook her head, "No…I think I can hold it off a while," she sighed. "For the last week I've made it to mid-morning before I start hurling. Makes it easier to get ready in the morning…not as easy to get things done at work," she forced a smile and grabbed the cup of tea he handed her, taking a sip.

"Liv, what are you planning to do about work?" he asked, not wanting to upset her, but he was concerned about the safety of both Olivia and the baby.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"I'm talking about light duty," he answered. "You know you need to ask for light duty."

"The law says I can work my regular job until 30 weeks," she reminded him.

"I don't give a damn about the law," he argued. "You know you're in no shape to be out on cases. Right now you're sicker than a dog, tired, you've been bleeding and cramping…and in a couple of months you're going to be uncomfortable and off balance. It isn't safe for you or the baby and it isn't safe for the other cops."

"I don't want to lose my position as commanding officer," she admitted. "I've worked hard for this. Besides, it pays better and I need the money. I have two kids to think about."

"Maybe you can still be C.O.," he suggested. "You can do all the pencil pushing and evaluations, observe interrogations and assign cases…just not go out and respond to any. They might go for that."

"Yeah right," she snickered. "You know they won't do that. I'm going to be sitting on my ass, looking up evidence and making phone calls for other people's cases. I'll lose everyone's respect and they'll just stare at me like I'm too fragile to do anything but take up space."

"You know that isn't true," he smiled. "No one is going to lose respect for you because of this, Liv. They're going to want to help you." He put his hand carefully on her stomach, rubbing in small circles, "Think about it…for the baby."

She nodded reluctantly, "I'll think about it," she promised. In all honestly she had been thinking about it a lot. Fin, Rollins, and Amaro already knew she was pregnant, and it wasn't going to be easy to hide from everyone else much longer. And she knew she wasn't performing well on the job anyway…she was either too sick or too tired, and a few times she'd avoided going out in the field even though she should have. "El…" she looked at him seriously. "I'm afraid I can't do this. How the hell am I going to balance my job and two babies?"

He hadn't realized how overwhelmed she was and it made him angry with himself for not being there for her. She needed him. "You're not going to do this by yourself," he promised her. "I'm here, Liv. I'm going to be here…for everything. I promise."

"You said you weren't sure about starting over with a family again, El," she reminded him. "This baby doesn't change that. I know you want to do the right thing, but I can't live my life knowing you were pushed into something you never wanted."

"I am not being pushing into this," he insisted. "I want this…I want to do this with you. We're a family. This is _our_ baby…"

"What about Noah?" she asked sadly. "He's my son, El…but he's not yours. I don't ever want him to feel like he isn't as special as this baby…like he isn't loved as much. He means everything to me…" she cried, relieved to finally have expressed her deepest fear.

"Don't cry," he brushed away her tears and kissed her softly. "Liv, I love Noah. You know that. How could I not love someone who means so much to you? We are both going to love him every bit as much as this baby…I promise you that. And I think he's going to love being a big brother."

"Really?" she sniffled and tried to stop crying. "El…I'm so scared."

"I know," he held her close. He was scared too, but he knew this wasn't about him anymore. He had to make things right for her. "I promise everything will be okay," he put his hand back on her stomach and smiled, "What do you say I make you my famous eggs for breakfast? You need to keep your strength up and I'm sure the baby is hungry." He noticed how her face paled and she cringed at the mention of food. "Liv…are you alright?" he asked.

"I'm gonna throw up," she darted out of the room, leaving him sitting on the bed. He stood up and went after her. It was going to be a long day.


	27. Chapter 27

**Thanks again for the nice reviews. Here is a short chapter. Sorry I haven't updated in a day or so. I'll have more up as soon as I can.**

Elliot helped Olivia back to bed after her third bout of morning sickness that day. She looked at him and sighed miserably, "I really thought this was getting better. I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry," he sat with her, letting her lean her head back on his chest. "I just wish you felt better. How long have you been sick like this?"

She shrugged, "Since the beginning, and I'm getting pretty tired of it."

He put his hand gently on her stomach, "Looks like we have a little trouble maker on our hands," he teased.

"God, I hope not," she admitted. "El…I think I'm too old for this."

"What? I thought you were excited about the baby?" he asked, unsure why she was expressing the sudden uncertainty.

"I am," she insisted. "But I feel horrible…all the time. If I'm not throwing up, I'm falling asleep. I can barely get out of bed in the morning and I am asleep the second I put Noah down at night."

"I think that's pretty normal," he told her. "It's part of being pregnant."

"My doctor hasn't been very supportive of this," she told him. "She thinks it's too risky. She scares me half to death. The perinatologist is more positive about things, but even he says there is a risk here." She tried to hold in her tears, "Why couldn't this have happened ten years ago? It would've been a lot less stressful back then."

"You think so?" he asked. "You think it would've been less stressful when I was married to Kathy and had little kids at home?"

She laughed, "Okay…I guess not." She put her hand on top of his, still resting on her stomach. "I'm just scared. I'm scared something is wrong with the baby…something that would never have happened if I wasn't pushing fifty."

"You're not fifty," he reminded her. "And if you were too old for this, it wouldn't have happened."

"But what if something is wrong?" she asked sadly. "What if this baby is sick or has brain damage or…I don't know…anything? What are we going to do?"

"We'll get through it," he promised, but he had to admit to himself it was his biggest fear as well, and he knew there might come a time when they didn't agree on what to do. He was dreading hearing the results of the testing she'd had done, which was exactly why he didn't believe in those tests. He'd rather not know, but he had to respect that it was necessary for her.

"I'm getting hungry," she changed the subject, completely aware of what he was thinking. While she appreciated him being there and taking care of her, she knew it wasn't going to be perfect. They were still two very different people who were facing a very big challenge and they had to figure out how to get through it without hurting one another. "But please don't make me eggs," she grimanced.

He laughed, "Okay…I get it. Junior hates my eggs. What does the little one want?" he asked.

"Donuts and chocolate milk," she laughed.

"Seriously?" he asked with a smirk. "Guess we don't have a health nut on our hands, huh?"

"I'm already getting fat," she sighed. "I can barely button my jeans. The baby doesn't care though…trust me. If I'm not throwing up, I am _starving_."

He smiled and rubbed her stomach softly, "You're not getting fat," he assured her. "Just a little thicker around the middle, and that is perfectly normal." He leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. "I'll run to the bakery down the street and get your donuts. You stay in bed and rest."

She nodded, "Thanks," she smiled. Then she watched him leave and leaned back in bed, placing her hand on the slight roundness of her stomach. "Your daddy is trying really hard," she whispered. "He loves you." And even though she knew it was true, she also knew this wasn't the life he had envisioned for himself at this point. She just hoped they could figure things out together instead of pushing each other further apart.


	28. Chapter 28

**Here is a little more. Sorry these last couple of updates have been short. I hope to have some longer ones coming soon. Thanks again for the great reviews. They mean a lot to me. **

"Thank God you're back," Olivia looked up from the couch as Elliot walked in the door. "You were gone almost an hour."

He came over and sat next to her, sitting a bag from the bakery on the table along with a large container of chocolate milk, "What?" he asked teasingly. "Were you afraid you'd starve to death? I got back as soon as I could. There was a line…"

"No, smartass" Olivia smirked. "But I called Maureen to check on Noah and she told me Kathy dropped Eli off a while ago. It's your weekend to have him, and you forgot."

"I didn't forget," Elliot sighed. "I just lost track of time. I didn't realize it was Saturday already. With everything going on…"

"Well you need to get home," Olivia insisted as she opened the bag, pulling out one the two sprinkled donuts inside and shoving half of it in her mouth.

"I don't want to leave you alone," he admitted. "Maybe Maureen can watch him."

"No," Olivia argued, her mouth full of donut. She swallowed, "It's your weekend. You need to go home and spend it with your son." She grabbed the second donut out of the bag and took a bite, noticing the look Elliot was giving her. "You didn't want this one did you?" she asked, holding it out to him.

"No," he laughed. "I bought both of them for you. I figured one wouldn't be enough. But maybe you should slow down…don't eat so fast. You'll make yourself sick."

"I'm starving," she insisted, as she took a smaller bite and then opened the milk and took a long drink. "El, I want you to spend the weekend with your son. He needs time with you. I am perfectly fine. I haven't had any cramping all day and only a little spotting this morning…"

"What?" he asked nervously. "You're spotting? That could be serious."

"It's not," she insisted. "It was really light and the doctor said it might happen. I feel fine…you should go home."

"Liv…what did you say to Maureen about me staying here last night?" he asked.

"Nothing," she answered honestly. "She seemed to know you were here. I didn't really think about it. Did you not want her to know? God, I should have asked…we need to figure out what to tell her."

"I think we need to tell her the truth," he said. "She's been worried about you for a while, so she already knows something is up. Do you mind if she knows…about the baby, I mean?"

Olivia shook her head, finishing the end of her donut, "No…I think she should know. She been a lifesaver to me, taking care of Noah and helping me out every day. She deserves to know the truth. I just don't want to make things bad between the two of you. Do you think she'll be upset?"

"I don't know," he admitted. "I think she knows there is something between _us_…but the baby will probably be a shock. She's almost thirty and I'm gonna tell she's getting a new baby brother or sister." He sighed, "And Eli…I don't know how to tell him."

"Let's not tell him yet," Olivia suggested. "I don't mind if Maureen knows, but I really need to get the results of the CVS and know that everything is okay before we tell anyone else…okay?"

"Liv, you know how I feel about those results," he reminded her. "Whatever they are…"

"I really _can't_ have this discussion with you right now, El," she cut him off. "Okay…just go home and be with Eli, talk to Maureen…have a good weekend."

"Liv…we have to talk about this," he sighed.

"I know…and we _will_, but not now, okay? I don't want any more stress right now…not after last night," she looked sadly at him, reminding him that their argument the night before had ended frighteningly. He couldn't put her through that again.

"I guess I'll go home then," he leaned over, and kissed her on the lips, laughing at the sugary taste that lingered from the donuts. "Sweet," he teased as he licked his lips.

She laughed, "I could've gone for one more, you know. I'm still kind of hungry."

He shook his head, "Eat a banana or something," he suggested. "The little one needs to get this sweet tooth under control." He kissed her once more, "Call me if you need _anything_. I mean it."

"I will," she promised. "And could you tell Maureen I plan to bring Noah home tomorrow? I don't know if I'll feel up to driving yet, but I'm gonna try. I miss him and she doesn't need to give up her whole weekend."

"You are _not_ driving," he insisted. "The doctor said two more days in bed. You shouldn't even be out here on the couch. Why don't you let him stay until Monday?"

"I miss him, El," she tried not to cry. "I want him home."

"You're not even supposed to be lifting anything," he reminded her. "You can't take care of him." He looked at her tear-filled eyes and sighed, "Tomorrow, after I drop Eli off with Kathy, I will bring Noah home, okay? Then I'll stay here and help you with him. Will that work?"

"Okay," she reluctantly agreed. "But you have to go to work Monday. I'll be fine with him that day and I'm going back to work Tuesday. We can't put our lives on hold indefinitely."

"Deal," he smiled and kissed her once more. Then he headed to the door, "Lock this door and then get yourself back in bed. I mean it."

"I will," she promised. "Have fun with Eli." She watched him go, a little sad that he was leaving, but feeling some relief as well. She needed some time alone with her thoughts. She was still afraid of what was happening with the pregnancy, with the test results, everything…and even though she knew she should be able to depend on him to help her through it, it was too hard. She locked the door and went back to bed, her hand resting on her stomach. She wondered what her baby would look like, if it was a boy or a girl, what name they would choose…then she wondered if she'd ever get to meet this little baby at all and she cried herself to sleep.


	29. Chapter 29

**Thought I'd post a little more since I haven't posted very often in the last few days. Enjoy!**

"Dad!" Eli ran to the living room when he heard the front door open, "Where have you been? I've been waiting _forever_."

"I'm sorry, bud," he hugged his seven year old son and smiled. "I was with a sick friend…but I'm all yours for the rest of the weekend."

"Good," he grinned, exposing his toothless smile. "Look," he pointed towards the gaping holes. "My other front tooth fell out."

"I see that," Elliot smiled. "I bet you made a fortune from the tooth fairy on that one." He remembered sneaking into his other kids' bedrooms late at night to leave tooth fairy money under their pillows and realized he had never been able to do that for Eli. He'd never lost a tooth on one of his weekends.

"Five dollars," the boy smiled. "Mom says when Dick and Lizzie were little, they only got two dollars and Mo and Kathleen only got one." He laughed. "She said it's called inflation."

Elliot laughed, "Yeah…I guess you could call it that." He ran his fingers through his son's blonde curls. "What do you want to do this weekend?"

"I don't know," Eli answered. "But can we go somewhere. Mo is babysitting…and that baby _never_ stops crying. He's driving me nuts."

"What's wrong with him?" Elliot asked, then he called out to his daughter, "Maureen? Is something wrong with Noah? Eli says he keeps crying."

Maureen ran downstairs, "Shhhh," she groaned. "I just got him to sleep. He's been really fussy today, but I think he just misses Olivia. He doesn't seem sick." She looked seriously at him, "How is she?"

Elliot looked at his son, "Why don't you go play one of your video games for a while and we'll go out after I talk with your sister." Eli nodded and walked into the living room and Maureen followed Elliot into the kitchen and they both sat at the table. "We need to talk about Olivia," he said.

Maureen nodded, "Is she okay?" she asked. "I know she's sick…"

Elliot sighed, "You know Liv and I have been close…"

"If you're going to tell me you're sleeping with her, I think I figured that out when you didn't come home last night," Maureen snickered. "You've always had the hots for her."

"You know I never cheated on your mom with Liv," he insisted. "I would never have done that."

"I know," Maureen nodded. "And I love Olivia…you know I do. Is she okay?"

He nodded, "Maureen…she's pregnant…ten weeks…"

Maureen's eyes widened, "You've got to be kidding. Dad…isn't she kind of _old_ for that?"

"Don't say that to her…_please_," he begged. "She's getting enough of that from her doctor and she's scared to death. She's had come complications…"

"Is she going to lose the baby?" Maureen asked sadly.

"I hope not," Elliot replied. "But she could…she was bleeding last night…a lot."

"Is the baby yours?" Maureen asked seriously.

Elliot nodded, "Yeah…"

"Do you really want another baby, Dad?" she asked. "I mean…you're gonna be fifty. You're a grandpa…Kate's aunt or uncle is going to be younger than her."

"Don't you think I know that!" Elliot yelled, and then he shook his head, "I'm sorry…" he sighed. "No, I don't want another baby…well at least I didn't...but I'll get used to it. I have to be responsible here. It happened…so it's meant to be."

"Dad, you think it's meant to be for you to bring a kid into this world that you don't want?" Maureen asked seriously. "What about Olivia? Does she want this baby?"

He nodded, "She's always wanted a baby. Sometimes I think it's my fault she never had kids before now. She wasted most of her life pining over me, while I was busy with a family of my own. I should have let her go back then…switched partners…or encouraged her to find someone else…but I didn't. I liked knowing she would always be there. It was selfish."

"I really don't want to hear about how inappropriate your feelings were for her back when you were married to my mom," Maureen snickered. "But Dad, if Olivia wants this baby and you don't…I think you need to discuss it."

"Maybe I haven't completely wrapped my head around the idea of having a kid again," he admitted. "But you were a big surprise too, and I couldn't imagine my life without you in it. The same with Eli…this isn't my first time being stupid and irresponsible…"

"Gee, thanks," Maureen rolled her eyes.

"What I'm saying is, I love _you_ and I love _Eli_…and I love this _baby_," Elliot admitted. "I'm scared. Scared I won't always be there for this kid…to watch him grow up…or I'll be too old to play catch and go camping…or he'll regret having the oldest parents in class. And Liv had some test done to check for chromosomal defects. I don't even want to think about trying to raise a special needs kid at my age…but if it happens…"

"Dad…I know you and Olivia can get through this, but you have to be honest with her," Maureen sighed.

"I don't think she wants to have the baby if something is wrong with it," he said sadly. "And I can't condone that."

"So, you think she should have a sick baby that you don't even want?" Maureen asked. "How does that make any sense Dad?"

"Because, I believe in God's will," he insisted. "And I don't question that."

"Dad, I really hope this baby is okay and I don't doubt that you love the baby and Olivia, but if you're scared about this, I'd bet she is too," Maureen looked at him sadly. "It isn't healthy to just pretend like you're okay when you're not. You both need to hash this out."

"Right now, she's too fragile for that," he said. "And I don't want her to worry needlessly. I know everything will be fine. I just need to start taking better care of myself since this kid won't graduate from college until I'm in my 70s," he forced a nervous laugh. "I just need to take things one day at a time. It'll be okay."

Maureen nodded, "I hope so," she replied. She heard Noah crying upstairs and stood up from the table, "Not again," she sighed. "The poor kid misses his mommy so much."

"I'm going to take him home tomorrow," Elliot told her. "And if you want, I can keep him in my room tonight so you can get some sleep. I should brush up on my baby-care anyway," he smiled.

"Go take Eli wherever you two are going," Maureen reminded him. "I'm going to go tend to the baby before he wakes Kate up from her nap. And I'll call Olivia later so she can talk to him. Maybe that'll calm him down some."

Elliot watched his daughter walk out of the room. He was so proud of the woman she'd become. Maureen had been the biggest surprise of his life. He was a nineteen year old kid when his girlfriend had told him she was pregnant and he was scared to death. He'd become a cop just to support them, even though he'd promised himself he'd never follow in his father's footsteps. And he found himself married with four kids, little money, and a job he didn't like but was stuck with all before he turned thirty. The unhappiness eventually weighed on them enough that Kathy filed for divorce, but in the midst of it they'd had one night together that resulted in Eli…who before now he'd considered his "late in life" child. And now, here he was in the same situation all over again. But it was different this time…it was Olivia, and he loved her more than he had ever loved anyone…and that should be enough to get them through anything. At least he kept telling himself that.


	30. Chapter 30

**Thanks again for the kind reviews. Here is some more...**

Sunday evening, Olivia opened the door and grinned at her little boy, safe and snug in Elliot's arms. The baby squealed with delight seeing her for the first time in a couple of days, "Mama…mama…mama…" he babbled in his sweet baby voice.

"Oh my big boy," she reached out and kissed him on the cheek. "I missed you so much!" She tried to grab him, but Elliot held him close.

"You can't carry him," he reminded her. "Go sit down and I'll bring him to you."

"It won't hurt for me to pick him up," she argued. "The three days are up tomorrow anyway."

"_Go_ sit down," he insisted. "You shouldn't be up and around anyway. We're not going to risk this, Liv."

She sighed and walked over to the sofa, sitting carefully. Elliot brought the baby to her, placing him in her lap and she hugged him close. "I missed you so much," she said tearfully. "Mommy doesn't ever want you to leave again." The little boy pulled himself up on her and patted her face playfully. He'd recently started giving slobbery kisses and she smiled when he kissed her, leaving her face all wet. "My sweet boy," she hugged him closer and he continued to try to climb on her.

"Liv, don't let him climb all over you like that," Elliot said quickly. "You could get hurt."

She looked at him with frustration, "El, stop it," she argued. "He's not hurting me…or the baby. I missed my son, okay? I'm going to hold him and play with him." She sat Noah in her lap and tickled him playfully while he kicked and squealed happily.

Elliot was worried she'd wear herself out or that Noah would kick her too hard in the stomach, but he knew he couldn't say anything else without making her angry, so he didn't. "What do you want for dinner?" he asked.

"I don't care," Olivia barely answered him, she was so consumed with Noah. She kissed the baby once more and patted his back, while he started to calm down and leaned close to her.

"Maureen fed him before I brought him home," he told her. "He's probably ready for bed."

"No," Olivia shook her head. "I'm going to hold him until he falls asleep. I'm not putting him to bed yet."

"Alright," he sighed. "But you need to eat…what do you want for dinner?"

"I really don't care," she insisted. "I can make something," she offered.

"Really?" he asked. "_You_…are offering to cook? That's a first."

"I've gotten much better these past few years," she smiled. "Trust me."

"Well, I'll let you cook for me soon," he sat next to her and smiled. "But…not tonight. You are resting tonight." He looked at Noah who had fallen asleep in his mother's arms, "Liv, he's asleep. You should let me take him to his crib."

She shook her head, "No…I just want to hold him," her eyes were tearful. "I can't be away from him right now."

"Okay," he leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. "I understand. I'm gonna go cook dinner." He stood up and headed toward the kitchen, "Any foods that make you sick?" he asked. "I don't want to make you puke tonight."

She laughed, "Just your eggs. Otherwise I think we're good."

An hour later Noah was sleeping peacefully in his crib and Elliot and Olivia were sitting at the table eating spaghetti and garlic bread. "This is so good," she dipped her bread in the sauce and took a bite. "El…you have to stop giving me all this food. I am going to weigh a ton."

"You're not going to weigh a ton," he laughed, "You are barely showing. No one can even tell you're pregnant."

"But I can't stop _eating_," she sighed. "I ate all day today…well after I threw up a few times."

"The throwing up counteracts the eating," he grimaced. "Trust me…I'm surprised you haven't lost weight at this point. I've never seen someone as sick as you are with this pregnancy. I know you don't like it when I bring up Kathy, but she was never _this_ sick."

"The doctor said my hGC levels are high, and that's why I am so sick," she put the last bite of bread in her mouth and chewed it quickly. "She said if she hadn't seen one baby on the ultrasound, she'd assume there were two."

"Why are your hormone levels so high?" he asked nervously.

She shrugged, "The doctor said it's probably because of my age…that when someone my age gets pregnant, the body doesn't know how to handle it…big surprise there right?"

"Liv, just because she says something is because of your age, doesn't mean you are too old. You know that, right? If you were too old, this couldn't have happened in the first place," he looked seriously at her. "When you told me that you thought you were pregnant before…with _Cassidy_…," he cringed. "You said the doctor told you that you couldn't have kids. She was wrong then…and she's wrong to be making you feel bad about this now. I want you to know that."

"I'm just scared," she felt tears sliding down her cheeks. "El…I want this baby to be perfect. I'm afraid I'm being selfish by having a baby now."

"This baby will be _perfect_," he promised her. "I know that…I believe it with all my heart. I don't want you to be scared anymore. Everything is going to be _okay_."

"You _don't_ know that," she brushed away her tears. "But thanks for saying it." She yawned, "I'm exhausted…as usual," she sighed.

"Go to bed," he smiled. "I'll clean up and be in later. You need to get some sleep."

She stood up and he held her close, kissing her gently on the lips. "I wish I wasn't on pelvic rest for two weeks," she kissed him again. "These stupid hormones make me want a lot more than kissing."

He laughed and rolled his eyes, "Go to bed, Liv."

"Goodnight," she sighed as she walked toward the bedroom.

He cleaned off the table and sat the dishes in hot soapy water, thinking about everything she'd said and not knowing why he had promised her everything would be fine. He was pretty sure things were not fine, but he couldn't face that right now. He took a deep breath, exhaling slowly and then turned his full attention to the dishes. He was tired of thinking about life, so menial tasks seemed more promising at the moment.


	31. Chapter 31

**Thanks again for all the reviews. I hope this next chapter lives up to your expectations! **

He had been tossing and turning for the last hour, and Olivia sighed as she rolled over to look at him. Elliot would be angry at himself if he knew he was keeping her awake…she knew that, so she couldn't wake him, but she couldn't help but wonder why he was having such a rough night. She didn't feel well and glanced at the clock, noticing it was barely three in the morning. She rarely woke up with morning sickness in the middle of the night, but maybe she'd just eaten too much before bed. Her stomach was rolling. She sat up, flinging her legs to the edge of the bed and taking a few deep breaths trying to settle her stomach, but when that didn't work she decided maybe she should just let herself throw up and get it over with.

She made her way to the bathroom, leaning over the toilet and giving in to her urge to vomit, relieved when she only threw up once and felt immediately better. She stood up, rinsed her mouth, and stared at her pale and sickly face in the mirror. It was times like this that she wondered how she'd let herself get into this mess, and whether or not she'd physically be able to make it through these next months of pregnancy. It was a lot harder than she could ever have imagined.

She was exhausted as she walked back to the bedroom and when she saw that Elliot had rolled himself over onto her side of the bed she was irritated. Now she'd have to wake him up and she really didn't want to. He groaned and mumbled to himself, and she stood watching him, trying to make out the words he was saying in his sleep. He had a pained look on his face, and it worried her. "Stop…" he mumbled under his breath. "Don't please…" he pleaded and even though she didn't know what he was dreaming about, it broke her heart to see him suffer like this. "Kathleen…I'm sorry…" he cried out and when she heard that…she knew.

She reached out and touched his shoulder, "El…" she shook him gently, "Elliot…wake up."

He jerked awake, sitting up and looking confused at first. Then he noticed her standing beside the bed and sighed, "What's wrong?" he asked. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Olivia answered. "I got out of bed and when I came back you were in my spot."

He scooted over and she climbed in next to him, "Why did you get out of bed?" he asked.

"I was sick," she answered reluctantly. "But I feel fine now."

He put his hand softly on her stomach, "You sure you're okay now? You should have woken me up."

"El…what's wrong?" she asked sadly. "You've been keeping me awake for hours with your tossing and turning and you were yelling out in your sleep."

"I'm sorry," he leaned back on the pillow. "I must've had a bad dream." Bad didn't even begin to describe it, but he didn't want to bother her with it. Not now, when he'd kept her awake most of the night already…not when she was sick and exhausted from carrying his baby. "You need to get some sleep."

"Talk to me," she pleaded. "Don't just tell me to go back to sleep. Elliot…what's wrong? I know something's wrong. I know you were dreaming about Kathleen…I heard you say her name."

"You know I don't like to talk about her Olivia," he closed his eyes.

"Why won't you talk to me?" she was crying even though she didn't want to be so emotional…her self-control was another thing this pregnancy seemed to be taking from her.

Elliot sighed and sat up, looking in her tearful eyes, "Liv…please don't cry."

"I just want you to talk to me," she admitted. "You don't really talk _to_ me. You talk _at_ me…about how I need to rest or I need to eat better. You tell me everything will be fine and I should stop worrying. But you won't even tell me how you are feeling about things…you won't even admit to me that you had a nightmare about your dead child, Elliot. You don't trust me."

"I had a nightmare…about Kathleen…" he sputtered. "Is that what you want me to say?" He shook his head in defeat, "My daughter killed herself because I was a lousy father…I wasn't there for her…I judged her…I couldn't make her take her meds or get the help she needed…I couldn't help her."

Olivia looked sadly at him, "You were not a lousy father…"

"I was," he disagreed. "I was never home and I was too angry all the time. And none of my kids are happy, Liv. Maureen married a jackass who treated her like crap, and they always say girls marry men who remind them of their fathers. Liz only calls me to ask for money. Dickie has hated me since he was in high school and even now he can't stand to spend more than an hour or so with me. I've never even been able to play the tooth fairy for Eli…it's only a matter of time before he realizes how short-changed he is in the dad department. And Kathleen's dead…" he cried. "And now I'm supposed to do this all over again…and I don't think I can…"

"Elliot…" she whispered sadly. She didn't know what to say.

"I'm sorry," he looked away from her, not wanting to see the sadness on her face. He had been dreaming about Kathleen for the past few nights, ever since he'd found out Olivia was pregnant. He couldn't shake the feeling that somewhere in the universe, Kathleen was watching him, thinking he was replacing her with this new baby and in his dreams he tried to convince her it wasn't true, but when he was awake, all he could do was think about all his failures as a father and how he'd probably end up messing up another innocent child. "Liv, I'm so sorry. I know you want this baby…I'm trying to want it too…I really am…"

"You don't want the baby…" she choked on her sobs. She'd known it…from the beginning, she'd known. That was part of the reason she hadn't told him she was pregnant. She didn't know why it made her so sad to hear him say it when she'd always known it.

"I _want_ to _want_ it," he admitted. "I love the baby…I swear I do. I just don't know how to be a father again, Liv." He sat up and looked at her, hating himself for breaking her heart.

"When the doctor told me I was pregnant…" she looked painfully at him, "I yelled at her. And when she did the ultrasound, I didn't even want to look at it. All I could think about was how much I didn't want to be pregnant..."

"Liv," he wanted to comfort her, but she wasn't listening.

"I was scared," she cried. "I'm still scared, El. But I know _I_ can do this...even if you don't think _you_ can. I love this baby so much."

"I love the baby too," he insisted. "And I love you, Liv. I love you…"

"I love you too," she whispered. Then she leaned back on her pillow and closed her eyes. He wrapped her in his arms, thinking she might pull away, but she didn't. She cried herself to sleep in his arms and he didn't say anything more. There was nothing left to say. When he was sure she was finally asleep, he let himself drift off, but he knew things were never going to be the same. He should've been stronger for her, but he hadn't. He'd failed at fatherhood once again.


	32. Chapter 32

**Thanks again for the reviews! I know this story is full of angst and some are worried that it won't have the "Happily Ever After" you've hoped for, but I promise this long and winding road they are on will end with happiness eventually. Just not yet...**

Olivia woke up the next morning, Elliot's arms still wrapped tightly around her. She couldn't get his words out of her head. _ I know you want this baby…I'm trying to want it too…I really am… _She knew he was trying. He'd been nothing but supportive since the night at the hospital and she knew he would pretend to be happy if that was what she wanted from him. She couldn't do that to him though. She couldn't make him live the rest of his life regretting her or the baby. He had to really and truly want this, or she had to let him go…_make_ him go. There was no other choice.

She sat up, carefully moving his arm from around her, and swallowed trying to hold off her morning sickness. She stood up, walking over to the dresser and grabbing yoga pants and a t-shirt. She'd been wearing stretchy clothes for the past several days, ever since the CVS procedure, and she was dreading squeezing into her work clothes tomorrow. Even though she wasn't really showing much, her stomach felt bloated and full and she could feel the hard mass forming just under her belly button. It wouldn't be long before everyone could tell just by looking at her that she was pregnant, and she didn't know how she felt about that. She was embarrassed…someone her age ending up with an unplanned pregnancy, and now she might have to do this all alone. It scared her.

She went in the bathroom and took a shower, letting the water pour over her while she cried, her tears mixing with the warm shower spray. She was mad at herself for crying. She didn't need to cry about this. She needed to be strong, like she'd always been. She didn't need Elliot…she didn't need anyone to take care of her. She'd always been fine on her own.

She stepped out of the shower, drying off and letting her hand rest on her stomach. "We're gonna be okay, kiddo. Me and you and your big brother…we're a family." She smiled. She'd always wanted a family, and now she had one, even if it wasn't the way she'd always expected it. "And your daddy _does_ love you…he's just not ready right now. We have to give him some time." She pulled on her clothes and combed through her wet hair and opened the door, jumping a little when she saw Elliot standing there. "God El, you scared me half to death."

"Are you okay?" he asked, his eyes heavy from the night before. "Are _we_ okay?"

"I'm fine," she said as she walked past him and toward Noah's room where he son was sitting in his crib, wide awake, but playful. She picked him up and took him to the changing table, changing his diaper while Elliot came up behind her.

"Liv…are _we_ okay?" he asked again.

"We're fine, El," she sighed, picking up the baby and walking out of the room. She took him to the kitchen and sat him in his highchair, pouring some Cheerios on the tray and watching him pick them up and eat them one at a time.

"_Olivia_…" Elliot stood by the table. "Would you _please_ talk to me?"

"There's nothing to talk about, Elliot," she looked at him and was pleased with herself that she managed not to cry. "You don't want the baby right now. I understand. You're scared…or you feel like a bad father…or you're still grieving over Kathleen and this is too painful for you right now. Whatever the reason, I get it. You're trying to do the right thing, to be the good guy by standing by me…but you don't need to do that. I don't need you to."

"I _want_ to," he insisted. "I want to be here for you…for our baby…for Noah," he looked at the little boy happily eating his breakfast. She sat at the table, trying to control her nausea and he sat next to her realizing she was sick again. "Liv…what can I do?"

"Nothing," she looked sadly at him. "Just go…you have to go to work."

"I don't want to leave you like this," he admitted.

"I want you to _go_," she sighed. "I want some time apart…until both of us decide what we really want here."

"I love you," he said sincerely. "So much…"

"I know you do," she took a deep breath, "I love you too…but maybe that isn't enough right now."

"I want to be _here_," he told her.

"I want you to go to work," she argued. "I'll call you in a few days…we can talk more then. Right now, you need time away from here to think about…_everything_."

"Promise me you won't push me away," he pleaded. "I want to be a part of this. I want to know my child, Liv."

"You will," she promised. She closed her eyes, putting her head in her hands and trying to force herself to feel better. If she started throwing up, he'd insist on staying to help her and she wanted him to leave her alone. "Go to work, El. You're gonna be late."

He leaned over and kissed her softly on the head, rubbing her shoulders, "Call me…if you need _anything_…" he looked over at Noah, happily playing with his cereal and smiled, "See you soon, buddy." And he hoped he would see both of them soon. The thought of not being there broke his heart. He loved Olivia and Noah, he loved the new baby…he just didn't know how to get past his fears. He walked out the door and Olivia put her head on the table and let her tears fall. If they loved each other so much, why did they always hurt one another? It felt like it had always been that way…and old habits die hard.


	33. Chapter 33

**I am overwhelmed by the comments in the reviews. I am so grateful to those who have taken the time to compliment my writing and to give thoughts/opinions about the story. I hope everyone continues to read and enjoy it. I wrote three chapters today. So I have a lot to update. **

"Fin…my office…NOW!" Olivia walked into the precinct the next day, her first day back, and it was obvious she wasn't in a good mood.

Amanda looked at Fin, "What'd you do to her?" she asked with a snicker.

"You don't want to know," Fin shook his head. He knew Olivia would be angry with him for telling Elliot she was pregnant, but he'd hoped things had turned out well. Obviously, they hadn't.

"She's been bitchy for weeks," Amanda sighed. "You can't get on her good side nowadays."

"She's pregnant," Fin reminded her. "Give her a break."

"She doesn't want anyone to know she's pregnant," Amanda reminded him. "But we're supposed to give her break when she's biting everyone's heads off?"

"She is dealing with a lot. Try to remember you don't know everything about her. This isn't an easy time for her," Fin stood up and walked toward the office, knocking softly on the door and then opening it. "You wanted to see me?" he asked.

Olivia looked at him, her anger apparent on her face, "Who the hell do you think you are?" she asked. "What made you think it was your place to tell Elliot about _my_ baby? I thought I could trust you…"

"You _can_ trust me," he sat down and looked in her eyes. He could tell she was more hurt than angry, and he also knew it wasn't because of what he did. It was because of how Elliot had reacted. "I only told him because I thought you needed his support. What happened? He didn't take it well, I assume?"

She shook her head, "He stayed with me all weekend. He was fine…" she brushed away a tear that was sliding down her cheek.

"Then why are you crying?" he asked. "Do I need to go knock Stabler on his ass? Because I will."

She couldn't help but laugh, "No…he really is trying to do the right thing. But he doesn't want a baby…he doesn't want to be a dad again. Did you know Kathleen killed herself?"

"No," he shook his head. "That's terrible."

"Elliot blames himself," she told him. "And he's so emotionally torn up over it…I don't think he's ever going to be able to devote himself to this baby…not while he's beating himself up over Kathleen," she cried. "And we thought I was having a miscarriage Friday night…it was so scary…but he took me to the hospital and he was so strong for me…he is really trying to be a good father, despite everything."

"What happened Friday?" he asked. "Are you okay?"

She nodded, "I'm fine..the baby's fine. It was just some bleeding…but it stopped and the baby was okay. We watched him wiggling around on the ultrasound." She smiled, "Elliot seemed genuinely happy when he saw the baby."

"I'm sure he was happy," Fin said genuinely. "I know he loves you…he always has. He's just not good with emotions. You know that…and with everything that happened with Kathleen…you know he hasn't dealt with that. Having another child after you've lost one…it isn't easy."

"I know…" she sighed. "I want to help him, but he shuts me out of that part of his life. He wouldn't even talk to me about it. And I'm scared too, Fin. I need him to help _me_ through this. Why is my life so screwed up?"

"Because…that's how life works," Fin forced a smile. "You're gonna get through this, and I'll bet Stabler will be holding your hand while you're screaming obscenities at him and pushing that kid out. Wait and see."

She laughed, "Gee, thanks." She nodded, "I hope you're right. I want him there…I really do."

"Hey, Liv," Nick Amaro peered around the door. "I'm sorry to interrupt…but we've got a problem. Missing four year old…the parents are frantic. They said she wasn't in her bed this morning."

"Oh God," Olivia shook her head. "Let's go…"

"You sure you want to go out on this one?" Nick asked, knowing she hadn't been going out on many cases lately. "Do you feel up to it?"

"Yeah," she nodded and stood up from the desk. "Let's go."


	34. Chapter 34

It had been three long days since four year old Haley Tibbits was reported missing, and the whole squad had devoted all their time to finding her. As commanding officer, Olivia had responsibilities and hadn't even had the chance to go home. She was living at the station full time and luckily Maureen had been willing to stay at her apartment with Noah. But she missed her son terribly and the case was taking its toll on her, both physically and emotionally. She hadn't slept in days and her head was pounding. She really needed to go home and take a shower and change clothes. She'd discovered on the second day into the case that the extra clothes she kept at the station didn't actually fit anymore.

She walked to the vending machine, depositing quarters into the coin slot and selecting peanut butter crackers. She was starving, and the random take-out they'd been eating in between leads wasn't cutting it. She hadn't eaten in hours. She opened the crackers, shoving one in her mouth and trying to swallow it when she saw Nick coming toward her.

"Hey, we have a lead," he said quickly. "A call came in…person said they saw a girl matching Haley's description with an older man, going into an abandoned house."

"We should get over there," she agreed, rubbing her temples, trying to relieve the headache which was getting persistently worse.

"Rollins, Fin, and I can handle it," Nick said gently. "I think you should get some rest. You don't look good. When did you sleep last?"

"I'm fine," she insisted, but when she took a step toward him, the room began to spin around her. She could hear him saying her name, but everything went black.

When she woke up, she was laying on a bed in the cribs, and the room was dark around her. She barely remembered talking with Nick before she passed out, but she sat up and noticed Fin in the room with her. "What happened?" she asked groggily. "Did you find Haley?"

He came over and sat beside her, "Amanda and Nick went to the house. They just called…they think the girl is there and they're putting on vests and going in."

"You should be with them," she sighed.

"Someone had to stay with you," he insisted.

"I'm fine," she promised. "I was just tired and hungry…"

"You're pregnant," he reminded her. "And you've been on duty for three days straight. It's against the rules, and you know it. Everyone else took their rest time. You didn't."

"I had too much to do," she insisted. "I want to find this little girl."

"We all want to find her," he argued. "But you can't keep this up."

"I'm going to ask for light duty," she said sadly. "As soon as we find Haley. I promise…"

"Good…because we had to report it when you fainted," he told her. "So they already know. I'm sorry…but you know we didn't have a choice."

She put her head in her hands and took a deep breath, "I guess I'm not in charge anymore then?"

"I don't know," he admitted. "But for now, you need to get some sleep. You can't drive home until you've slept a while. So go back to sleep and when you wake up, things will look better."

She leaned back on the bed, wishing she had to energy to argue with him, but she didn't. She closed her eyes and fell back asleep.

It was hours later when she woke up again, this time she was alone in the room. She stood up and opened the door, relieved that the everyday hustle and bustle had continued on despite the fact that she hadn't been able to oversee it. She walked into the squad room, and Amanda smiled at her, "We got Haley," she said quickly. "She wasn't hurt. She's with her parents."

"What about the guy who took her?" Olivia asked.

"An old homeless guy," Amanda said sadly. "He's in lockup. I don't know that he even knows what he did."

"Do you need me for anything?" Olivia asked.

Amanda shook her head, "We've got it under control. You should go home."

Olivia nodded, and she couldn't shake the feeling that after sixteen years she wasn't really a part of the SVU anymore. They didn't need her…and while she knew she should feel sad about it, right now she was just numb. "I'm gonna go home then," she sighed, walking into her office.

She quickly checked her email, rolling her eyes when she saw a notification that she had to meet to discuss her position as commanding officer. She should have reported her pregnancy sooner, before it fell on the hands of her fellow officers to do it for her. She quickly emailed back, requesting light duty and agreeing to meet on Monday morning. Then she picked her phone up off her desk and looked at it…a picture text from Maureen of Noah and Kate playing, two missed calls from Elliot, and three voicemails from her doctor's office. Her heart skipped a beat when she saw that, remembering that they had promised the results of her test within a week. The week was up tomorrow. She listened to her voicemail, and she couldn't help but worry when they'd left three messages asking her to call the genetic counselor. She wouldn't have to talk to the genetic counselor is everything was fine.

She looked at her watch, relieved that it was only 3:00. She should be able to reach someone before the office closed. She took a deep breath, and nervously dialed the number…waiting another ten minutes when the receptionist connected her to the genetic counselor. "This is Olivia Benson," she said nervously. "You left some messages for me to call about my CVS results?

"Yes, Ms. Benson," the woman's voice was calm and clear, and Olivia wished she could tell if something was wrong just by the woman's voice, but she couldn't. "I think it would be best for you to make an appointment and come in, so we can talk."

"No," Olivia insisted. "I need the results…now. Just tell me. The doctor said you would tell me over the phone. I want to know."

"Ms. Benson," the woman's voice softened in a way that let Olivia know she didn't have good news and her heart ached. "It might be better for you to come in…I can see you tomorrow morning."

"Just tell me what's wrong with my baby," Olivia pleaded. "Please...just tell me..."


	35. Chapter 35

She pulled up in front of Elliot's house and this time she didn't bother to park down the block. She hadn't stopped to think about the fact that he wasn't ready to be a father again or that he wasn't sure he wanted a baby. All she could think about was that he told her to call him if she needed anything…and right now, she needed _him_ more than anything else. She didn't know how he would react to the news she'd gotten, but she knew she couldn't deal with it by herself.

She looked at the clock on her dashboard and realized Elliot wouldn't even be home from work yet. She'd have to wait a half hour at least. She put her hand on her stomach, crying as she thought about what the genetic counselor had said on the phone. _The baby could have a good life. There are specialists that can help. Most parents decide to keep the baby since it is not life threatening, but termination is still an option._ Of course she was going to keep her baby. How dare the woman even suggest otherwise. She loved her baby, especially now when she knew her child needed her even more.

She jumped when she heard the light tapping at her window and turned to see Elliot standing there. She opened the door and climbed out. "Liv, what are you doing here?" he asked and then he saw her tears. "What's wrong?" he was afraid as she fell into his arms, sobbing.

"I got the results…of the CVS," she cried.

He closed his eyes, knowing the news wasn't good. "Let's get you inside," he whispered. "We can talk in the house." He guided her through the door of the house and into the living room, but she just stood there staring at him and he had to gently pull her down to sit on the couch. "Liv, what's wrong with the baby?"

Suddenly she was afraid to tell him. She needed him to comfort her, to tell her they were a family and they would be okay, but all she could think about was that he didn't really want this baby anyway. What if this was too much for him? What if he said he couldn't be this child's father? She couldn't take that right now. She just couldn't.

"Olivia?" he held her close, "Honey…it's okay. Just tell me."

"The baby has Down Syndrome," she cried. "I'm sorry…it's my fault…"

He closed his eyes and held her while she cried. He was heartbroken, but more for Olivia than for their baby. He'd never seen her so hurt, "This is _not_ your fault. It just happens sometimes…"

"It's because _I'm_ too old," she sobbed. "And now our baby has to suffer. The genetic counselor said the baby's Down Syndrome is why I've been so sick and so tired all the time…why my hCG levels are so high. She said the baby could have heart problems, hearing problems, muscle weakness, low IQ…"

"This baby is going to be okay, Liv," he promised. "Those things are all possibilities…not guarantees…and they can all be treated. He's going to have parents who love him...and that's the most important thing. He's our little blessing."

"She…" Olivia looked up and him, her eyes red and swollen.

"_She_?" he asked.

She nodded, "It's a girl."

"Our little girl," he smiled, resting his hand on her stomach. "_She_ is our little blessing…and I love her…"

"I do too," she put her hand on top of his. "But I'm scared for her…people are going to treat her differently. I don't want that."

"She's special, Liv," he smiled. "She deserves to be treated differently…"

"You know what I mean," she sighed. "I don't want her to feel different."

"She's going to feel loved," he promised.

"What if she needs us to take care of her?" Olivia asked. "When she's grown up? El…we're not going to be here forever."

"Liv, we can't think about that right now," he sighed. "We don't know what she'll be able to do or not do. She has her whole life ahead of her. Besides, this baby has brothers and sisters who will be there for her, even when we're not…I know that. They are going to love her just as much as we do." He smiled. "Maybe she's just the one to bring us all together."

"Do you really think so?" she asked.

He nodded, "Yeah…I really do." And he did. Maybe he hadn't been the best father over the years, but he had another chance and he wasn't going to mess it up. Not just with this new baby girl, but with his other kids as well. They all deserved it.

"I know you didn't want me to have the genetics test," Olivia sighed. "I'm sorry…if I hadn't done it…"

"It's okay," he whispered. "I'm glad we know. I really am. Now we have time to prepare for her…to read up on Down Syndrome…find out if there are things we can do to help her have a better life. It was the right thing to do, Liv. You were right about that…I'm sorry I was so terrible about it."

"Are we going to be okay?" she asked sadly. "Because I can't handle it if you decide you don't want this, El. I just can't face that again."

"I love you," he leaned in and kissed her. "And I love our daughter. I'm afraid…I'm not going to lie about that. This is scary…but I'm not going anywhere. We can do this, Liv. I know we can." She was overcome with exhaustion, fear, and grief…so much so that she couldn't sit up anymore. She put her head in his lap and curled her legs up on the couch. He ran his fingers through her hair and wiped away the tears that were staining her cheeks. "We can do this…" he whispered once more, and for the first time, he really believed it.


	36. Chapter 36

**I knew that last chapter would leave people with mixed emotions. I am sorry that some were so disappointed with it, but I need you to know that this story is near and dear to my heart, and I really feel like this is the way I want the story to be told. I still promise these characters will be happier than they ever thought they could be, once the story is over. So thanks to those who trust me to get them there.**

Elliot was surprised when he woke up and Olivia wasn't in bed next to him. She had been so tired, so overwhelmed by everything, that he had insisted she stay with him for the night and they could go back to her apartment in the morning. He'd called Maureen, who agreed to stay one more night with Noah, and then took Olivia to his bedroom, realizing she had never been there before. He'd lived there over twenty years, and she'd never gotten past his living room and kitchen. But it wasn't the time to think about that. He watched her change into one of his t-shirts and a pair of his boxers, and then he helped her into bed. Working three days straight and then getting disappointing news from the doctor had been too much for her. She needed to rest and had fallen asleep almost immediately. So he was surprised she wasn't in bed now, just a few hours later.

He walked to the bathroom, thinking she might be sick, but the room was empty. So he walked downstairs, stopping when he saw her. She was sitting at the dining table, his laptop in front of her shining a warm glow on her face. She was dipping cookies into milk, eating them one by one while she stared at the screen and he knew she wasn't even paying attention to how much she was eating. She was engrossed by the computer, and he was pretty sure he knew what she was researching. He walked into the room, "Liv…honey…come back to bed."

She looked up at him, "Did you know some kids with Down Syndrome have normal IQs?" she asked. "And the ones who don't are usually only mildly delayed. They can go to school, learn to read, have friends…" she had tears in her eyes and it broke his heart to see her like this.

He walked over and stood behind her, rubbing her shoulders gently and looking at the computer screen. "She's going to be fine, Liv," he promised. "She's going to be the person she was meant to be."

"I wanted her to be perfect," Olivia cried and he put his arms around her. "All these years, I've wanted a baby…and I've always pictured a beautiful little girl with your smart-ass sense of humor and my ambition to succeed. I could picture myself taking her to her first day of school, watching her graduate from college, helping her into her wedding gown…I can't imagine any of that now. I'm a _terrible_ person…" she sobbed.

"You are _not_ a terrible person," he kissed her on the cheek. "You are a wonderful mother, Liv. You had those dreams for her because you wanted the best for her…and it's hard to know she might not have an easy road in life. But I can promise you this…she _is_ going to be our beautiful little girl, and she's going to have my stubbornness and your loving heart. And we are going to be so proud of her for every single accomplishment she makes, and she's going to surprise us with all she can do." He lowered his hands to her stomach, smiling at the slight bulge under his soft t-shirt she was wearing. "And I _know_ she's going to love her mommy. She already does…because she can sense how much you love her. How you would do anything to protect her and keep her safe. How you want the best for her, no matter what." He rubbed her stomach lightly, "She _is_ perfect, Liv."

She stood up, putting her arms around his neck and kissing him, long and hard. She had never loved him more than she did right now. "Thank you…" she sniffled and wiped away her tears. "For not blaming me for this…for not thinking I'm a bad person for feeling all I'm feeling." He kissed her and held her close, and she leaned her head on his chest. "Thank you for loving her. She's a lucky little girl…she has the best daddy."

Elliot smiled. It had been a few years since anyone had called him "daddy" and he realized he kind of missed it. "Let's get you back to bed," he suggested. "You need some sleep."

"I'm still hungry," she laughed a little, picking up the package of cookies from the table.

Elliot rolled his eyes and laughed, "Fine…you can eat the cookies upstairs," he grabbed the package from her and put his hand on her back as they walked toward the stairs. "But then…you are going to sleep."

She nodded and stopped, kissing him once more. "Thanks, El…for everything. For taking care of us. I know I said I didn't need you to, but maybe…maybe I do." she admitted.

"We need to take care of each other," he said gently. "That's what families do."


	37. Chapter 37

**Okay, I am back to post more. Again I need to thank those who have been SO supportive of this story. I especially want to thank CCL13, FayVDM, and mandytyzack for the kind PMs, as well as all of you who have left supportive comments in the reviews. To those who are really disappointed by this, saddened by this, or just uncomfortable with it...I understand how you are feeling. I really felt like this story needed to be told in this way. It was not my intent to disappoint anyone, so if you feel you can't read it now, I understand. But I want to say that this is not a tragedy. This is the story about the making of a very special family. There will be ups and downs, but there will also be so much joy in the end! So thank you to those who are going to continue following the story down that path to happiness. It will be worth it! :)**

"What time is it?" Olivia asked when she opened her eyes the next morning. She'd had a rough night, not being able to fall asleep after her time on the computer, waking up crying…but once she finally fell asleep for good she knew she had slept a long time.

Elliot was across the room getting dressed and he came over and sat on the bed next to her. "It's almost eleven," he brushed the hair back from her face. "How are you feeling this morning?"

She shook her head, "I'm okay…still tired. I can't believe it's so late." She sighed, "Shouldn't you be at work?" She closed her eyes. "I should be at work too."

"No…I am staying home today, and so are you," he leaned over and kissed her. "I called my secretary and told her to cancel my appointments and I called Fin and told him to let everyone know you weren't coming in today."

"_You_ called Fin?" she asked.

"I did," he smiled. "I think it's time I put aside my differences with him. He cares about you, Liv…and he's a good friend. He told me about yesterday…you passed out and they had to report it? He thought maybe that's why you weren't coming in."

"I'm going to lose my position as C.O., but I don't even care anymore," she closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. "Did you tell him about the baby?"

"Yeah," Elliot nodded. "He said to tell you he's glad it's a girl…and we better hope she looks like you and not me."

"Do you think she'll really look like either one of us?" Olivia asked sadly.

"Of course she will," he knew she was still heartbroken by the diagnosis, but he also knew she had to come to terms with it. "Liv, she's going to be beautiful…like you."

"I hope her eyes are blue…like yours," Olivia gave a weak smile. "Your eyes are gorgeous."

He laughed, "Really? How long have you been secretly lusting over my _gorgeous_ eyes?"

"Since the day I met you," she smiled. "The day we became partners, I went out to dinner with my mother and she asked about you. I told her my new partner had the sexiest blue eyes I'd ever seen. She told me I'd be sleeping with you within a month." She laughed, "She couldn't have been more wrong."

"You had good restraint," he teased. "I remember that day…I kept looking at you sitting at your desk and I was trying not to…but I kept imagining what it would be like to kiss you. Remember that red lipstick you used to wear? I just wanted to push my lips against yours."

"God…that red lipstick," she laughed. "It was hideous."

"You were beautiful," he leaned forward and kissed her gently. "You still are."

"I don't feel beautiful," she admitted. "I feel…like I've aged ten years in the last two months. I'm so tired and so sick…"

"Are you feeling sick now?" he asked, gently placing his hand on her stomach. "Do you want me to make you some tea or something? I can get you some cereal or toast."

She shook her head, "No…I don't feel like eating or drinking anything." She sat up on the bed, "I need to get dressed so I can go home. I haven't seen Noah in days."

"Liv, you have to eat," he reminded her. "The baby needs you to eat…and not a package of Oreos in the middle of the night. Real food. Fin told me you haven't been eating the past few days either."

"So you and Fin decide to get along and just swap stories about me?" she asked. "El, I am too sick to eat in the morning. If you mention food again…I'm gonna puke all over this bed. Maybe I can handle the tea."

"Okay," he rubbed her shoulder. "I'll go get the tea while you get dressed." She leaned back on the bed, closing her eyes and trying to settle her stomach while he went to make her tea. She appreciated that he wanted to take care of her, but she wished he could understand how miserable she felt. She wasn't trying to go without food. She knew the baby needed her to eat, but nothing she ate would stay down anyway and she was tired of throwing up. She was eating when she could handle it, but maybe she did need to try to pick healthier things when she felt hungry. She'd never craved so much sugar before in her life.

She stood up, grabbing her clothes from the floor where she had left them the night before. She pulled on her shirt, buttoning it, looking down to where the fabric pulled away from the buttons at her chest. "My boobs are huge," she sighed as Elliot walked in the room with her tea.

"What did you say about your boobs?" he teased.

She looked at him and smirked, "They're huge…none of my shirts with buttons fit anymore." She pulled on her black slacks and fumbled with the button, trying unsuccessfully to suck in her stomach and then falling back on the bed trying to pull the sides together and force the button through the hole. Elliot looked at her and smiled, amusement on his face. "Don't laugh at me," she sighed, sitting up with her pants still unbuttoned. "I'm so fat…" she started to cry. "Nothing fits me anymore."

He sat next her and put his arm around her, "Hey…don't cry," he pulled her close.

"I wore these pants yesterday, El…_Yesterday_!" she sniffled.

"And they were too tight yesterday too," he reminded her. "I saw the red marks they left around your waist when you changed clothes last night, Liv. Don't worry about squeezing into them today, okay?"

"So what am I supposed to wear home? Your boxers?" she snickered.

"No," he laughed. "Go to Maureen's room and grab some sweats. They'll fit."

"You don't think she'll care?" she asked.

"No…she won't care," he promised her. "But you need to get some new clothes. Maybe not maternity clothes yet, but a few things that are a couple of sizes up from your old clothes. You can wear them until you're ready for maternity clothes…and then maybe again after the baby is born."

"I've always wanted this…" she said sadly. "To feel my child grow inside of me. So why am I so sad? Why am I crying over a stupid pair of pants? I don't even like them very much."

"Because…it's a big change and your body is going through so much," he hugged her. "Your hormones are all over the place…and you're tired. It'll get better…I promise."

She nodded, "Thanks," she stood up and walked to the door. The sooner she found clothes that would fit, the sooner she could get home to her son. Right now she wanted to cuddle with Noah more than anything. She needed him. She needed that sense of normalcy...because right now, nothing in her life felt normal. She was afraid it never would again.


	38. Chapter 38

**Here is some more. Thanks again for sticking with the story!**

"Poppy…Livia" Kate's bubbly voice sang out when Elliot and Olivia walked through the door.

Elliot smiled at his granddaughter, standing in Noah's play pen and he leaned over picking her up, while the little girl squealed happily. "How's my little Katiebug today?" he asked, kissing her on the cheek.

"Dad," Maureen walked out of the kitchen. "She's supposed to be taking a nap." She looked at her daughter, "It's time to go to sleep, Kate."

"No," the little girl argued and Elliot hugged her close.

"It's time for you to go night-night for Mommy," he patted her back and kissed her cheek. "Poppy will play with you when you wake up. Be a good girl and go to sleep." He put her back in the play pen and covered her with her pink blanket and the little girl snuggled up with her teddy bear, but kept her eyes open, fighting sleep.

"Where's Noah?" Olivia asked.

Maureen pointed toward the nursery, "I just put him down. He's probably not asleep yet either. Neither of them wanted to take their naps today."

Olivia looked at Elliot, "I'm gonna go get him…lay him down in my room with me for a while. I'm still tired anyway so I could use a nap."

"Okay," he nodded and watched her walk down the hall to her son's room. He knew she needed that time with her little boy…time to remind her that she had a lot to be grateful for.

"Is she okay?" Maureen asked. She knew something was wrong when her father had called the night before, but he hadn't said what. "What's going on?"

Elliot walked over to the couch and sat down and Maureen sat next to him. "Olivia got the results of the genetics test yesterday…"

"Oh God," Maureen's face dropped. "Something's wrong with the baby? Dad…I'm so sorry…" She reached out and hugged him and for the first time Elliot felt himself feel those feelings of grief. He'd spent the past day comforting Olivia and he hadn't had the time to really think about how he felt. He held his daughter close and didn't want to let go.

"The baby…it's a girl," he forced a smile and Maureen's face let him know she was waiting for him to drop a bombshell. "She has Down Syndrome."

"What are you going to do?" Maureen asked sadly. "You said Olivia didn't want to have the baby if something was wrong…"

He shook his head, "No, she wants to have the baby. She's scared…I think she feels like she's lost the child she always dreamed of, and she doesn't really know how to create new dreams for this little baby. She loves her though…she'd do anything for this baby."

"What about you?" Maureen asked. "You said you weren't sure you wanted a baby at all. Do you really think you can do this?"

"Maureen…I did _not_ want a baby…at least I didn't think I did," he sighed. "But when Olivia told me about this little girl, I can't explain it…I felt like I was the luckiest person in the world. I get to be a daddy again, and God chose to give me a little girl who is so special and who really needs me…and I have the time now to dedicate to her, that I didn't really have with the rest of you. And I'm sorry for that, Maureen. I'm sorry I wasn't the best dad to you and your brothers and sisters…but I'm going to do better this time. I have the chance to do better…for this little girl and even for Eli…and Noah."

Maureen smiled, "You were a good dad," she hugged him. "We always knew you'd have been home more if you could have. You were doing what you needed to, to take care of us."

"If I had been a better father," he admitted. "Then your sister would still be here."

Maureen shook her head, "Dad…you can't blame yourself for Kathleen. She was sick. She needed help that she refused to get." She sighed. "I know you think she ran off to California because you told her you were in love with Olivia…"

"How did you know that?" he asked, shocked. He'd felt guilty about it for years, but he'd never told anyone but Olivia.

"Because Kathleen told me," She answered honestly. "She asked me if I thought you were having an affair…and I told her I didn't think Olivia would do that to us…or to Mom."

"But you thought I would?" he asked.

"I knew you loved her," Maureen nodded. "But I also knew Olivia was too strong a person to let herself be your _other_ woman, Dad. Kathleen didn't see it that way…but her leaving had nothing to do with you. Not really. She'd quit her meds, and she wasn't thinking clearly…long before you told her you loved Olivia. She just wasn't ready to get better and she ran off because she knew you and Mom would try to force her back on her meds or commit her somewhere. She was sick…and there was nothing any of us could have done to make her better."

"Parents are supposed to take care of their kids," he said sadly.

"But Kathleen wasn't a kid anymore," Maureen reminded him. "And you did all you could for her."

"She was still _my_ little girl," he said sadly.

"And when she was well…she loved you and Mom and all of us. But when she was sick, she wasn't really Kathleen anymore," Maureen brushed away a few tears that slid down her cheek. "Dad…I know you think Kathleen is in a better place now. If that's true, then her spirit is happy and healthy again and she knows that you loved her. She _knows_…you don't have to keep feeling guilty because somewhere she's watching you and she knows how much she meant to you…and she loves you too."

"You think so?" he asked sadly. "Because I'd hate to think she died not knowing I love her."

Maureen reached out and hugged him close, the two of them crying, mourning the loss of the daughter and sister who had meant so much to both of them. "Dad, I do think this new baby is a gift," Maureen said softly. "A reminder…that we don't always know how life will turn out, so we have to be grateful for what we have. I know you're grateful for this little girl…"

"Yeah," he nodded. "She's gonna make me a better person. I think she already has."

Maureen smiled, "I think Kathleen's probably happy you have another chance."

"I've been having dreams," he admitted. "That she feels replaced."

Maureen shook her head, "No…she knows this baby isn't here to replace her…this baby is here to show all of us how much we need to love one another. The Stablers haven't always been the most loving bunch," she laughed a little. "But I think this little girl is going to change that." She smiled, "Who knows? Maybe Kathleen had a hand in choosing our new baby sister…she is a gift from heaven after all."

"Maybe you're right," Elliot smiled and quickly wiped away his own tears. Then he kissed his daughter, "I love you, Maureen. You know that, right? I don't ever want any of you to _not_ know how much I love you."

"I know Dad," she nodded. "I love you too."

Elliot walked into the bedroom, and smiled at Olivia and Noah laying peacefully in the middle of the bed. They were curled up close together and he realized he'd never seen Olivia look so peaceful. He climbed in beside her, wrapping both of them in his arms and Olivia stirred a little, "El," she whispered. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah," he whispered and kissed her softly on the cheek. "I just wanted to tell you that I love you."

"I love you too," she closed her eyes and fell back asleep and he lay holding his new little family in his arms and for the first time in a long time, he was happy and completely at peace. He'd forgotten what it felt like…and he never wanted to forget it again.


	39. Chapter 39

**Sorry I didn't update yesterday. Here is some more...**

The weekend had been rough. Olivia was fine one minute and crying the next. Elliot knew to an outsider it might seem like Olivia was questioning whether or not to have the baby, but he knew how much she loved their child. Adjusting to the news that their child had Down syndrome was hard for her, mainly because she didn't know much about it. She had spent most of the weekend on the computer, randomly presenting him with new facts she'd learned. He had to admire her hands-on approach, her determination to learn all she could, but he also knew it was taking a toll on her. She was tired and she wasn't sleeping well or enough. He knew he had to do something but he wasn't sure what. So he just loved her, hugged her, held her, let her cry when she needed to…and he made sure to tell her as often as he could that he loved their little girl with all his heart. He knew she needed to hear that.

Monday morning, he woke up early, and went to Noah's room to get the baby ready before Olivia woke up. He knew she needed the extra sleep she usually gave up to get her son ready in the morning. He took the baby to the kitchen and fed him, and then started on breakfast for him and Olivia. He knew she'd be sick…she was always sick…but he was determined to find something healthy she could keep down. She needed to start eating better. He was putting bowls of oatmeal and fruit on the table when she came in, her face pale and tired, her body shaking and weak. He walked over and led her to the table, wishing there was something he could do to make her feel better.

"You should have called for me," he said. "I would've helped you."

"Helped me?" she shook her head. "I can throw up all on my own. Trust me. I've been doing it every day for weeks."

"You don't have to do this by yourself," he squeezed her shoulder gently. "At least the first trimester is almost over…you should be feeling better soon."

She shook her head, "Not with these high hormone levels. The genetic counselor said some women with Downs babies are sick the entire pregnancy." She looked at the oatmeal that was sitting on the table and swallowed sickly. "I can't eat that," she pushed it away.

"Liv, you have to eat," he insisted.

"Don't start with me," she sighed. "Please…I'm doing the best I can. I promise I'll eat lunch…I'll feel better by then…"

"I'm sorry you're so sick," he said gently. "But the baby needs you to eat. Just try it…just a little…"

"I _can't_!" she yelled, trying not to burst into tears once again. "Why won't you listen to me? I can't eat that!" Noah started to cry, seeing his mother so upset and she looked at him, ashamed of herself for getting so worked up in front of him. She stood and picked him up, hugging him close, "I'm sorry sweetie," he kissed him on the cheek. "Mommy's sorry." Noah stopped crying and she carried him out of the room, giving Elliot one last glare.

Elliot shook his head in defeat, removing the bowls from the table and scraping the contents in the trash. Then he sat them in the sink, running soapy water over them and then cleaning off Noah's highchair tray. He was worried about Olivia, her emotional outbursts, her refusal to accept his help…but he also knew it was only a matter of time before she was clinging to him and apologizing for yelling at him. That's how it had gone all weekend.

He walked into the bedroom and she was stepping into a blue dress with a high cinched waste and a flowing skirt. "Can you zip this for me?" she asked and he stepped behind her, zipping it quickly. He watched as she smoothed the skirt, looking at her profile in the mirror and he knew she was trying to see if she looked pregnant. She didn't, and he also knew she was probably relieved.

"You look nice," he smiled. "What's with the dress?" He sat on the bed where Noah was playing happily and picked the little boy up, sitting him in his lap.

She walked over to the closet, grabbing a jacket and putting it on over her dress. "None of my pants fit. Besides, I have a meeting this morning," she sighed sadly. "I get to sit there while they take my job away from me. Figured it wouldn't hurt to dress up a little for that."

"I'm sorry, Liv," and he meant it. He knew how much her job meant to her.

"I don't even care anymore," she had tears stinging her eyes, and fought to hold them back.

"Like hell you don't," he sat Noah back on the bed and stood up, holding her close. "I know how much your job means to you…but you don't have to live for that job anymore, Liv. You have a lot more to live for than that."

"I know _that_," she pulled away from his embrace. "That's why I requested light duty and that's why I agreed to sit on my ass for the next six months. I'm doing what's best for this baby because I _want_ to, El. Not because anyone is making me."

"I never said that," he was confused. "I know you want to do what's best for her…"

"Do you?" she asked sadly. "Because I'm not trying to starve her either, El. I eat whenever I can…I swear I do. You've seen me eat. But I'm puking my guts out and you keep trying to shove food at me and tell me I have to eat it for the baby…and it makes me feel like you think I'm not doing what's best for her…like I'm not taking good care of her…" she cried. "And I'm doing the best I can…"

"I'm sorry…" he pulled her close and this time she didn't back away from the embrace. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean that. I didn't want you to feel that way. I know you are taking good care of her, Liv. I know that…"

"I made her disabled, because I was selfish enough to get pregnant at my age," she sobbed. "I have to live with that…but I would never do anything to hurt her now."

"Liv," he held her closer, rubbing her back. "You didn't make her disabled. Maybe she's going to be different…but that's not a bad thing. She's so special, Liv. She's part of us…it still amazes me that _we_ made this little baby together."

"I know that…" she cried. "And I love her so much…I just can't forgive myself for hurting her." There was a knock on the front door, and Olivia pulled away from his hug. "That's Maureen," she said as she wiped away her tears. "I need to get to work…and so do you." She picked up Noah from the bed and walked out of the room. Elliot took a deep breath, and followed her. He wished Olivia could realize that the baby's Down syndrome wasn't her fault. It broke his heart to see her beating herself up over something that she couldn't have prevented, especially when he knew how much she loved the baby. He knew it was something she had to get through, but he wished he knew how to help her.


	40. Chapter 40

**Thanks to those who have had a chance to review the last chapter, and to the new readers who are following the story. I decided to go ahead and post a little more since I had some spare time. Enjoy!**

It was late morning before Olivia made it to the precinct. Her early meeting had gone much better than she had expected, and she was relieved, but she knew she had to make an announcement now and she was dreading that. She took a deep breath and walked into the squad room, fully aware that all eyes were on her. News traveled fast, and her fainting spell during the Tibbits case last week had obviously started things in the rumor mill. "I need to have a short meeting with everyone," she said when she walked in the room and everyone gave her their full attention.

She could see Fin, looking questioningly at her, wondering if she was about to inform them that she had been removed as C.O. He looked like he was ready to rush to her side if she fell apart and she appreciated him for that. "I wanted to thank everyone for working so hard to find Haley Tibbits last week," she began. "And I need to apologize for not being there…for leaving you all on your own that last day, but I am so grateful you were able to pull together and bring Haley home to her parents."

"Liv, you don't need to apologize," Nick said quickly. "We all know you weren't feeling well. It's okay."

She smiled, knowing he was standing up for her in front of the other officers. "I _wasn't_ feeling well," she looked around the room at the detectives and uniformed officers who were assigned to her command, "And I _should've_ told you why. I'm going to have baby…a little girl…in about six months," she said with a lump in her throat. She never expected to make an announcement like that, and suddenly she was overwhelmed with emotion. "I know some of you already knew…and I appreciate you keeping it to yourselves, but now that I've disclosed it to my bosses, I wanted to tell everyone here." She was surprised by the response, everyone congratulating her and telling her they were happy for her, and it made her wish she had made the announcement sooner.

"Are they going to let you stay?" Amanda asked.

Olivia nodded, "Yeah…actually…they said that they really didn't want to disrupt things here again and they feel like I can do a good job even if I am not physically feeling up to going out on cases."

"Thank God," Fin smiled.

"But…they do think I need a second in command," she announced. "Someone to take over if I need a break and someone to supervise out in the field." She looked at Fin, "So, I asked them to let Fin do that…if he's willing."

Fin looked at her with shock. He'd been there almost as long as she had, but he'd never felt the desire to move up the ladder. "Does that come with a pay raise?" he teased.

She laughed, "I think we can work something out." She sighed, "Get back to work, everyone." She walked into her office, dropping her things beside her desk and turning on her computer. She looked up when Fin knocked on her door and she motioned him in. "Please don't tell me you're here to turn down the job," she pleaded.

"No…you want me to be your second hand man…I can do that," he sat down and looked seriously at her. "I'm glad you told everyone. How are you doing?"

"I'm good," she answered.

"Really?" he asked. "Because Elliot called me. You know that, right? He told me…"

"He told you about the baby," she nodded. "I know…and I'm fine."

"Olivia…" he sighed.

"What? Do you want me to say I'm devastated?" she shook her head. "Because I'm not going to say that. I _love_ her."

"Of course you do," he said gently. "I know that. I just thought you might want to talk about it."

"Well I don't," she said quickly.

"Okay," he stood up and headed toward the door, "I guess I'll get back to work then. Being second in command probably means I should set a better example for the others."

"Fin," she called to him and he turned back to look at her. "When Elliot called you…did he say how he was feeling about things…about the baby?"

"Don't you think you should be talking to him about that?" he asked seriously.

"He says he's happy…that he can't wait to be a daddy again and that we're lucky because she's special," she looked at him tearfully. "But before I told him she had Down syndrome, he wasn't even sure he could be a father again. Why would he change his mind so quickly?"

He walked back over to her desk and sat down, "Maybe because he knows you need him to be on board 100% right now. He can't question his feelings anymore. He has to be committed to you and this baby girl. And he is. He loves you both."

"I'm scared," she admitted sadly. "I'm afraid he'll leave me again. I want to trust him…I love him…and I know he loves me and the baby…but I thought he loved me before and he just walked out of my life without ever looking back. If he could do it then, what's to stop him from doing it now?"

"If you're really afraid of that, then you should tell him," he said softly. "But you're not the same person you were then. You're a hell of a lot stronger now. You don't have to live in fear of losing him."

"I keep feeling myself getting more and more dependent on him," she whispered nervously. "And I don't want to put myself in that position again."

"You don't want to get hurt," he nodded. "I get that. He hurt you…and I wanted to kill him for it. But you let him back in…you're having his baby…you have to have a little faith that things will be better this time. You owe that to yourself and to this baby girl…and even to Elliot." He smiled, "But trust me when I say he better not hurt you this time or I won't be so well mannered. I'll make sure he regrets it."

She laughed a little, "Thanks, Fin. I know I can always count on you."

"For what it's worth," he smiled, "I don't think he's going anywhere. I think when you told him the baby had Down syndrome, he realized what a fool he'd been focusing on how scared he was to be a dad again, instead of on what a miracle it is for him to be having this baby with _you_."

"Did he say that?" she asked with a slight smile.

"He didn't have to," Fin stood up and headed back toward the door. "I'm here if you need anything," he reminded her as he opened the door.

"Thanks," she whispered. Then she returned to her work.


	41. Chapter 41

**A little more...thanks again for the reviews. I appreciate all the readers and when you take the time to share your thoughts it means a lot.**

Olivia was driving home as quickly as she could. Her day had been going well until her phone rang, ten minutes before she was supposed to leave for home. She was surprised at first, when the social worker told her she was coming over for an unscheduled home visit, but then she remembered that the judge had told her it would happen periodically so they could make sure Noah was in a safe and loving home. This just didn't feel like the best time, since her life was in total chaos at the moment, but she had to put that out of her mind. She had to get home before the social worker got there.

She'd called Maureen to give her a heads up, and Maureen assured her the apartment was neat and in order and that she'd make sure to keep the woman comfortable until Olivia arrived, but Olivia couldn't shake the feeling that showing up for the meeting after the social worker would make it look like she worked too much, like she didn't put Noah ahead of her job, and she didn't want to risk that.

She unlocked the door and walked in, forcing a smile when she saw the woman sitting on the sofa next to Maureen. Noah and Kate were playing on the floor with a large foam puzzle and all the other toys had been picked up and put away, and Olivia gave Maureen a grateful glance. Noah looked up at her, "Mama…" he stood up on wobbly legs and toddled over to her and she picked him up.

"I missed you," she kissed him and he wrapped his arms around her neck hugging her tight. "Were you a good boy today?" she asked and he nodded as she carried him over the sofa where the social worker was standing. "Hi," she extended her free hand to the woman, "I'm Olivia Benson. It's nice to meet you."

The woman shook her hand and smiled, "I'm Mrs. Morrison. It's nice to meet you too. I think you met with one of my coworkers on the three month visit?" the woman was looking through a file, and Olivia knew she wasn't up on the case.

She sat down in the chair, Noah in her lap, "Yes…but she just came and met with me at work. I answered a few questions and that was all. This is our first surprise visit. Please let me know if there is anything I need to do…"

"Oh no," the woman smiled. "I just have a few questions and I need to fill out some paperwork. Your nanny already took me on a tour of the apartment." Immediately Olivia tried to remember if she had made her bed that morning. She had been sick, and then she'd had a fight with Elliot. She was sure she'd left her room a mess. Not that a messy bedroom made her a bad mother, but she was worried they were looking for any little thing to take Noah from her. "Your apartment is lovely," the woman wrote something in the file and Olivia strained her neck to look but couldn't see. "The baby's room is nice…you may need to lower the mattress in his crib. He's too big for it to be that high. He might start climbing out."

"Okay," Olivia nodded. "I'll take care of that tonight." She tried to remember which tools Fin had used when he put the crib together for her and she was mad at herself for not thinking about the fact that Noah was growing up and she should lower the mattress.

"So, tell me…what is an average day like for you and Noah?" the woman smiled, pen in hand.

Olivia's mind was blank. She was nervous and she didn't know how to answer the question. Average? Did they ever have an average day? She cleared her throat, "Well, I usually get him up early…around 6:30 or so. He eats and I get him dressed. Then Maureen comes and watches him while I go to work and I try to be home by 6:30 every night unless there's a big case I need to help with, but if that happens Maureen always stays late with him. I feed him when I get home, unless it's late…and then we play for a while, I give him a bath, and he goes to bed."

The woman was writing frantically, "Seems you don't have a lot of free time with Noah?" she said questioningly. "Has that made it difficult to bond with him?"

"No," Olivia could feel the color drain from her face and she felt sick. This woman was trying to make it sound like she didn't spend enough time with her son. "I love him. I spend as much time as I can with him. I have at least two days a week off from work and I always have him with me, the whole time. We go to the park, play with his toys, read books…believe me…Noah and I have a wonderful bond." Her son picked that moment to plant a slobbery kiss on her face and her heart melted. "Please…you have to know how much I love him."

The woman nodded, "I can see that. And I can tell he loves you. I have to ask these things. You understand that, right?"

Olivia nodded, "What else do you need to know?"

"I contacted your employer," the woman looked through her notes. "They reported that you've taken several sick days lately. I'm going to need you to explain that."

"I was sick," Olivia knew the answer was weak, but she didn't want to go into more details. If this woman found out she was having another baby, she might decide Olivia was stretched too thin to care for Noah as well.

"Ms. Benson," the woman looked at her seriously. "We have to make sure you are healthy enough to care for Noah…but we also have to be sure your job isn't in jeopardy. They wouldn't have reported that you'd missed work unless it was excessive. Please be honest with me."

Noah was fidgeting in her arms, and Maureen stood and picked him up. "I'm going to take the kids to the kitchen and make them dinner," she took Kate's hand and left the room to give Olivia some privacy with the social worker.

"It wasn't excessive," Olivia said defensively. "It was a few days…and I went home sick a couple of times…I was late a few times for appointments. I have the sick leave. I've barely taken a day off in sixteen years," _Other than the Lewis ordeal_…she wondered why that had popped into her head all of the sudden. She didn't need him consuming her thoughts while she was being interrogated by social services.

"Why were you gone?" the woman asked. "That's all I need to know."

Olivia looked at her, biting on her bottom lip and wondering if she dared lie and say she had the flu or something, but knowing that a lie would be pointless. She'd be visibly pregnant by the next visit and they'd know she had lied. "I'm going to have a baby…in June," she said barely louder than a whisper. She saw the woman's eyes widen as she took more notes. "I had some complications in the beginning, but I'm fine now. I won't have to take any more time off work…and believe me, it didn't hurt my income when I was gone. I had the time…I'm still getting paid."

"Ms. Benson," the woman looked at her seriously. "Why didn't you report a change in your family status to our office?"

"I didn't know I was supposed to," Olivia said quickly. She barely remembered something about it when she had been given custody, but at the time she never imagined it would apply to her. "Besides, the baby isn't due for months. My family status hasn't really changed yet…"

"I assume your child has a father?" the woman asked. "Is he living here in the household?"

"No…he has his own house," she assured her. "And he's not someone you have to worry about being around Noah. He loves Noah…"

"Ms. Benson…we placed Noah with you as an only child with a single parent. You now have another child and a man who is obviously involved in Noah's life. You needed to report that to us, and you didn't." She took more notes and Olivia looked at her with tears in her eyes. She knew the woman was writing things that made her sound like a bad mother.

"I'm sorry…" she pleaded tearfully. "Please don't take him…_please_…"

The front door opened and Elliot walked in, "Liv…" he called as he sat his things by the door. Then he looked up and saw her sitting with the strange woman and smiled, "Who is this?" he asked, sitting on the arm of the chair.

"Mrs. Morrison from social services," Olivia tried to hold in her tears. "She's checking on Noah."

Elliot extended his hand to the woman, "Elliot Stabler," he smiled and shook her hand. "Nice to meet you."

"And you _are_…" the woman asked, pen in hand.

"He's the father of my baby…" Olivia said with a sigh, and Elliot looked at her, shocked that she had told the woman she was pregnant.

"How much time do you spend here, Mr. Stabler?" the woman asked seriously. "How often are you around Noah?"

Elliot looked at Olivia, trying to determine what he should say, but she just stared blankly ahead and he knew she was in trouble. "Not a lot," he said. "But I love his mother…and he's such a sweet baby…and I hope we're going to be a happy family soon."

"Are you saying you plan to file for adoption of Noah as well?" the woman asked.

"Uhm…" Elliot hadn't expected the question and he stumbled over his words. He didn't know what Olivia wanted him to say. "It's something Olivia and I haven't decided yet, but I think we're heading in that direction."

"How long have you known Ms. Benson?" the woman looked concerned.

"Sixteen years…" Olivia answered. "We've known each other for sixteen years."

The social worker looked at them and wrote the answer in her file. "Okay…well I think that's all we need for now." She looked toward the nursery, "Don't forget to lower the mattress is the crib." She stood up and walked toward the door and Olivia followed her.

"Mrs. Morrison…I swear to you…Noah is happy and loved here. Please put that in your report. I can't lose him," she cried.

The woman nodded, "Calm down, Ms. Benson." She looked down at her file and sighed. "I can tell how much you love him. But you and Mr. Stabler need to decide what kind of family you want to be. If he wants to adopt Noah, you need to report that…and soon. If not, then I suggest you focus on Noah and this new baby and pursue this as a single mother of two. We can't have someone in Noah's life who isn't a stable fixture for him. You understand that, right?"

"Yes," she nodded. "I do…I understand."

"And relax," the woman smiled. "We're not going to take him. Just get yourself together before the next visit…okay?"

"Yes…thank you," she closed the door and turned around, looking at Elliot who was standing behind her. She started to cry, "I thought they were going to take him," she couldn't catch her breath and she felt dizzy.

"They won't do that, Liv," he pulled her close and held her. "Honey…they know you love him. You're his mother."

She shook her head and brushed away her tears, "You didn't hear the things she was saying, El. I messed up…"

"Then we'll fix it," he promised her.

She ran out of the room and into the kitchen where Noah was sitting in his highchair eating. She picked him up, ignoring the mess on his hands and face and held him close. "I love you, so much," she cried. Elliot walked in and Maureen looked at him fearfully, wondering what had happened.

"Everything is going to be fine," he assured her, and he meant it.


	42. Chapter 42

**Thought I'd post a little more before bed...mainly for those who wanted to see Olivia spend some time with Noah :)**

Olivia had changed into her usual yoga pants and t-shirt and was sitting on the bathroom floor watching Noah play in the bathtub. As she watched him, she couldn't get the social worker's words out of her mind. _Just get yourself together before the next visit._ When had she become one of those women who had fallen apart enough that others had to tell her to pull it together? She had really let her life get off track and she wasn't sure how to follow this new path.

"Mama…" Noah's little voice brought her back from her thoughts. She looked at him splash his toy boat in the water and giggle. She picked up another little boat, filling it with water and pouring it out on his tummy, making him laugh even harder. She could not lose her little boy. She briefly flashed back to Calvin, the boy she'd taken custody of after his mother abandoned him. The social worker had come unexpectedly to the precinct to take Calvin away from her. He had clung to her and screamed her name when they took him away. Until now, that had been the saddest moment of her life, but Calvin was older and had only been with her for a month when he went to live with his grandparents who took good care of him and loved him. They even let Olivia talk to him on the phone and take him out to lunch or to the zoo occasionally. But Noah was different. He was _hers_…and he knew he was hers. He didn't know anyone else and it would kill her to watch him cry for her and not be able to do anything to keep him. She couldn't let that happen.

"Liv," Elliot stood in the doorway watching her play with Noah and he didn't really want to interrupt them. He knew she needed this time. "Are you hungry? It's getting late so I was thinking I'd order something."

She looked up at him and nodded, "Yeah…I'd love that," she smiled. "I did eat lunch…just like I promised. Grilled chicken salad and breadsticks…"

"You don't have to report back to me, Liv," he smiled. "I'm sorry about this morning."

"I know…me too," she nodded. "What are you getting for dinner?"

"I was thinking I'd just order Chinese," he suggested.

"Oh," she sighed and her face let him know she wasn't thrilled with his choice.

"What?" he asked. "You love Chinese."

"I know," she agreed. "But your daughter doesn't love it as much as I do."

He laughed, "Well then, what does our picky little princess want for dinner?"

"Tacos," she answered with a grin.

"Liv," he sighed. "No place will deliver tacos around here…and it's getting late."

"You could go get them," she looked pleadingly at him.

"Of course I can…" he smiled. He really didn't mind going out to get her the food she was craving and he felt lucky that she was asking him to do it. "Any particular tacos you want or should I just go track down a taco stand?"

"I want those fried ones, with the chopped meat and cheese inside," she said quickly and he had no idea what she was talking about. "From that place…Pepe's or Poncho's or something like that."

He didn't have a clue as to what place she was talking about, "Liv…you don't even remember the name of the restaurant. How the heck am I supposed to find it?"

"It's three blocks down and five blocks over…or something like that. It isn't that far…and they have the _best_ tacos." She gave him a playful smile. "_Please_…"

He nodded, "Okay…I'll hunt the place down. Anything else you want while I'm out?"

"Just make sure to ask them for extra hot salsa and see if they'll cut up some jalapeños in the meat," she stood up and bent over the tub, picking Noah up and wrapping him in a towel.

"Liv…are you sure you want that? It sounds awfully spicy," he questioned. "You've been really sick…"

"The baby _really_ wants those tacos, El," she looked so serious he almost laughed, "Trust me."

"Okay…" he leaned over and kissed her softly on the head. "If I'm not back in an hour, send out a search party. I may never find this place."

Elliot left and she picked up Noah, dressing him in his pajamas and taking him to his bedroom. She sat with him in the rocking chair, even though he didn't really need to be rocked to sleep anymore and held him close to her. "Mommy loves you baby boy," she kissed him softly. "I can't believe how fast you're growing up." She glanced at the crib, and smiled when she saw Elliot had lowered the mattress. "Guess what?" she smiled, "You're gonna be a big brother," she whispered to the baby, and even though she knew he didn't understand she felt like it was a special moment telling him. "You're getting a little sister, Noah…and she's going to love you so much. And you're gonna take good care of her, I know you will." The baby had drifted off and Olivia watched him sleeping in her arms. "I promise…I'm going to do the right thing for you and your sister," she whispered. She just wished she knew what the right thing was. She needed to talk to Elliot…really sit and talk. She couldn't be afraid of getting hurt anymore. She had to tell him how she felt, how she really felt about everything…and she had to make him be completely open and honest with her. They owed each other that much. She took Noah to the crib, laying him down carefully. She stood there watching him sleep, putting her hand gently on slight swell her stomach where her daughter was growing, and she knew she had never felt so much love in her life. "We're gonna be okay," she promised, more to herself than to her children. "We're gonna be just fine."


	43. Chapter 43

Elliot pushed open the door, balancing the overstuffed bag in hand hands. "Liv.." he called and he laughed when she walked out of the kitchen, a jar of pickles in her hand, munching on one of them. "Why are you eating _those_? I went to get your tacos."

"I was too hungry to wait anymore," she crunched down on the last bite of her pickle and sat the jar on the coffee table. He sat the bag on the table and she immediately began digging through it, finding the aluminum tin with her tacos and the small Styrofoam cup of salsa, pouring it on top. "Oh my gosh…these are so good," she moaned with delight as she crunched on the taco and then grabbed another pickle from the jar and dipped it in the salsa, taking a bite.

Elliot looked at her and shook his head, "Really? Tacos and pickles? Liv…"

"_What_?" she asked as she took another bite. "I'm _hungry_…"

He laughed, "When Kathy was pregnant with Eli she made me run out and get her tacos and peanut butter once," he remembered.

"Well, that's _disgusting_," she shot him a look that reminded him she wasn't in the mood to discuss his ex-wife's pregnancy cravings. He opened up his own container of food, and grabbed a plastic fork from the bag, taking a bite. "What'd you get?" she asked, leaning over to look in his container.

"Some burrito thing," he took another bite. "It's not bad."

"Does that have guacamole on it?" she asked and he nodded. "Can I taste it?"

"_You_ did not ask me for guacamole," he reminded her teasingly.

"Well _fine_," she snickered. "Don't bother…I'll just go back to my tacos." She took another bite, but kept her eyes on his burrito.

"I'm just teasing," he cut the burrito, stabbing a chunk of it with his fork and dipping it in the guacamole, lifting it her.

She took the bite and smiled, "Thanks," she grabbed her pickle and reached over, scooping the guacamole up from his container with the pickle and putting it in her mouth while he looked on with disgust.

"You know," he put down his food and watched her eat. "That place is called Pablo's and it was ten blocks down and four blocks over. It took me forever to find it."

"Pablo's…that's right," she shook her head. "I'm sorry…I can't remember anything lately. I'm glad you found it though." She put her hand to her mouth and burped loudly, completely embarrassed by the randomness of it. "I'm sorry," she sighed, suddenly feeling uncomfortable and putting down her nearly-empty food container. "I don't know where that came from…"

He put his hand softly on her stomach, "I think it was the jalapeños, guacamole, and pickles, hon. Not a great combination."

She exhaled slowly, "Maybe…I don't feel so good…"

"Are you going to get sick?" he asked, sorry that she was feeling so miserable when she had been so happy just moments before.

She shook her head and burped again, "I'm okay," she sighed. "I think it was just the spices…" He reached into the bag, pulling out a plastic container of TUMs and handing them to her. "What is this?" she asked. "They sell antacids at the restaurant now?"

"No…but they do at the pharmacy next door to the restaurant," he teased. "And whether you want to admit it or not, I do know a little something about pregnancy. The baby may want tacos and salsa with jalapeños and pickles, Liv…but that doesn't mean your body is gonna cooperate." She opened the container, putting a couple of the antacids in her mouth. He rubbed his hand gently on her stomach, "You'll feel better in a little bit," he promised.

"El…I'm sorry…" she looked sadly at him.

"For what?" he put his arm around her and she leaned into him.

"For biting your head off every time you mention Kathy," she admitted. "I know you've done this before. You know more about it than I do…but I just don't want to feel like everything I say and do and feel is old hat to you…"

"It's not," he squeezed her close and kissed her on the cheek. "This is brand new…I told you before…I've never done any of this with _you_ before, and that makes it special."

"Sometimes I think you're comparing me to her," she admitted. "Like you look at me and think 'Kathy wouldn't have gained so much weight so fast' or 'Kathy could balance four kids and being pregnant and Olivia can't even stay awake past 8:00 every night.' I don't want to feel like I'm failing at being pregnant…"

"That's ridiculous," he assured her. "Liv, you are doing amazing with all of this. Trust me…I am not comparing you to Kathy or anybody else. You're having a harder time that a lot of pregnant women, and you're a trooper. I'm in awe of you…and I just want to help make this easier for you."

"Thanks," she sighed.

"Besides…" he glanced at his watch. "It's way past 8:00…it's 9:15…"

She laughed, "That must be why I'm so tired," she sighed. "I missed my bedtime."

"Why don't you go to bed," he suggested. "I can clean up out here…"

"You always have to clean up," she said. "I should do it."

"No…you should let _me_ do it so you and our daughter can get some rest," he smiled. "It's okay, Liv. I want to clean up. It makes me feel like I'm doing my part. You're taking care of the baby and I want to take care of you."

"El…I wanted to talk tonight, but I'm too tired," she said with a tired yawn. "If I drive to Queens tomorrow can we go to lunch?"

"Why don't I drive here and we can go to lunch," he suggested. "I can get away from work easily and I can pick you up." He squeezed her hand. "Do you want to talk about what the social worker said?"

She nodded, "We need to, El."

"I know," he agreed. Then he kissed her softly and ran his hand over her stomach one more time, "We'll talk at lunch tomorrow…now you and the baby need to go to bed."

Olivia couldn't get comfortable enough to fall asleep. Her stomach hurt and she had heartburn that was making her miserable. She was exhausted, and she was mentally kicking herself for gorging on tacos so close to bed. She closed her eyes when Elliot came in the room a while later, not wanting to let him know she was still awake and feeling so rotten after he'd gone out of his way to help her. He climbed in bed next to her and put his arms around her, "Why are you still awake?" he whispered knowingly and kissed her on the cheek.

She turned and looked at him, "I can't sleep," she admitted. "I feel awful. Please don't ever let me eat tacos again…"

He smiled and put his hand on her stomach, "I'm not really in any position to argue with a pregnant woman about food," he teased. He sat up, getting out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"I'm going to the kitchen to make you some warm milk," he yawned, suddenly exhausted himself. "We'll try that…see if it helps."

"You don't have to," she said. "You're tired too."

"I'm not getting any sleep until you get some sleep," he sighed. "It's okay…I told you…you take care of our little girl and I'll take care of you." He walked out of the room and she couldn't help but wonder how their conversation would go at lunch the next day. More than anything, she wanted him to say he loved her and Noah and the baby…to beg her to let him adopt Noah and marry her and be a family. But she cautioned herself on wishing for something that didn't seem logical. Things were moving too fast, and she knew the baby was the reason for it. Elliot loved the baby, but that didn't mean she could ask him to commit to changing his whole life. She closed her eyes, waiting for him to return with her milk and tried not to think too much about anything. Tomorrow would come soon enough, and she needed one more night to just hope for the life she'd always dreamed of.


	44. Chapter 44

Olivia was sitting at her desk, nibbling on crackers while she tried to finalize a report to send to the D. A.'s office. She knew Elliot would be coming to get her for lunch, and she wanted to get as much work finished as possible before he showed up. She wasn't sure how much she'd feel like working afterward. This lunch could make or break their relationship once and for all and she was scared to death.

"Liv…" Nick opened the door and she looked up at him. "Can I come in?"

"Sure," she nodded, saving her work and then motioning for him to sit down. "What's up?"

"I just wanted to check on you," he said with uncertainty. "I mean, I know you told Fin to tell Amanda and me you were pregnant…before you announced it to the squad, but I kind of wondered why you didn't tell me yourself. We've been partners a long time…"

"Nick…I wasn't trying to keep it from you," she tried to explain. "But I didn't really know how to deal with it, and I just wanted to keep it to myself for a while."

"But you told _Fin_?" he sighed.

"Fin told _me_," she rolled her eyes. "I had no idea…he's the one who made me go to the damn doctor…"

"Seriously?" Nick asked. "You didn't know…and Fin _did_…"

"Maybe I was in denial," she sighed, taking another bite of the saltines she had on her desk.

Nick looked at the crackers, "Are you feeling nauseous?" he asked. "Maria was miserable with Zara…I'd never seen someone throw up so much."

"Please don't mention throwing up," she closed her eyes, trying to settle her stomach. "I haven't actually been sick today…I'd like to keep it that way. It would be the first time in weeks."

"Really?" he asked. "Well maybe the morning sickness is letting up some then. That'd be good."

"Yeah…really good," she agreed. "Nick…I am sorry I didn't tell you sooner. You deserved to know before the rest of the squad. I just didn't want to face it all…"

"I understand," he nodded. "Can I ask you something though?"

"Sure," she agreed. "What?"

"You told us you were pregnant…that the baby's a girl…but you didn't say anything about her father," he looked seriously. "Is he…in the picture? Is it Cassidy? Is that why you didn't tell me? Because I can try to put my feelings aside…"

"It's not Brian," she insisted. "I know you saw him kiss me at Noah's party, but we're not together anymore. We haven't been…for a long time. I swear…"

"So who is it?" he asked. "It's not Fin is it? Is that why he knew first?"

"God no," Olivia was surprised by the suggestion. "Nick, you know Fin…I'm not exactly his type. Besides, he's like my protective older brother." She took a deep breath, biting off a little more of her cracker and wishing it was working better to control her nausea. "I've been seeing someone. My old partner…Elliot Stabler…"

"Really?" Nick asked with surprise. "I've never even met him."

"He's going to be here in about an hour," she told him. "You can meet him then…if you want."

"Meet the guy that made you treat me my like hell for the first three months I was on the job?" he laughed. "Yeah…I need to meet this guy."

"He didn't make me treat you like that," she admitted. "I missed him…more than I wanted to admit…and I chose to take it out on you. I'm sorry…"

"You don't have to apologize," he smiled. "You've proven you're a loyal partner over and over. We're good…right?"

"Yeah," she sighed, closing her eyes and trying unsuccessfully to suppress the churning in her stomach. She wanted to run to the bathroom, but she knew she'd never make it in time and she didn't feel like her legs would move anyway. She felt dizzy and weak. "Nick…" she put her hand to her mouth and he recognized the signs from her pale face and sickly demeanor. He grabbed the trash can and put it in front of her while she leaned over and retched into it. When she was finished, she looked up at him and sighed, "Stupid crackers…they were supposed to keep that from happening."

"Are you alright?" he asked. "Do you need anything?"

She shook her head, "I'm fine…I swear, I used to be a private person and in the last few weeks I've managed to throw up in front of half the people I know. It's kind of humbling…"

He laughed, "It's okay…sorry you didn't make it through the day without getting sick."

"I'm afraid I'm going to be throwing up for the next six months," she admitted. "There are times I don't know how I'm going to survive this."

"You'll survive it," he promised her. "And it will be worth it…you'll see. I'm excited for you. I can't wait to meet your little girl."

"Nick…I want to tell you something," she put her hand to her stomach. "Because you deserve to know before everyone else finds out."

"What?" he asked nervously. "Is something wrong?"

Her eyes were tearful, "My little girl…" she smiled a weak smile. "She's going to be such a blessing in my life. I know that…and I _love _her…she's going to be beautiful, and sweet…"

"Liv," he took her hand and squeezed in gently. "I know that…and I can't wait to meet her…"

"She has Down syndrome," Olivia realized it was the first time she had said the words to anyone other than Elliot and it felt strangely freeing to have it out in the open.

He reached out and hugged her, knowing it had been hard for her to tell him. "She's a lucky little girl, Liv," he smiled. "She's going to need a mother who is strong and can stand up for her…and there's no one better for that job than you. You are the most passionate and caring person I know. I agree this baby is a blessing…but you're a blessing to her as well. Remember that…"

"Thanks for saying that," she wiped away a few tears that were staining her cheeks.

"It's the truth," he smiled. Then he stood up and grabbed the trash can. "I'll go empty this," he offered.

She shook her head, "Just leave it," she cringed. "I think I might still need it."

"You want me to stay?" he asked with concern.

"I'll be fine," she answered. "I've gotten pretty good at throwing up and then going about business as usual."

He smiled, "It's just her way of reminding you that you're not alone. She wants to make her presence known."

She laughed, "Believe me…I know she's here." She put her hand on her stomach and exhaled slowly.

Nick opened the door, "Remember…I want to meet this Stabler guy." She nodded and watched as he closed the door and walked back to the squad room. Then she put her head down on her desk and tried to keep from getting sick again. Elliot would be there in less than an hour, and she didn't want to feel miserable all through lunch. Before she knew what hit her, she was sound asleep.

**I know some of you are waiting for Liv and Elliot to talk. That will be next, I promise. :) Thanks again for all of the reviews. **


	45. Chapter 45

**Okay...so this took me longer to write than I anticipated. I ended up dividing it into two chapters, so the actual conversation is in the next chapter. Again, your reviews mean the world to me and motivate me to keep on with this story. I am so glad most readers seem to be enjoying it. Thanks!**

Elliot stood outside the station house and looked at the building. He hadn't thought it would be such a big deal to go in. After all, he was happy with his new job. He didn't miss being a detective and he didn't long to go back to it. Being a cop was never his dream, it was just something he did. He wasn't like Olivia. She had a calling to do that job…she felt an emotional obligation to the victims…a connection to them that forced her to take on more than she should at times. He wasn't like that. More often than not the job had made him angry at the world and distrustful of the general population. It had pushed him into a dark place that he never wanted to go back to, and now, the thought of walking in that building flooded his mind with memories he'd tried to forget.

He almost called her, asked her to come down and meet him at the car, but he didn't feel right doing that. He'd promised to pick her up at the station, not down on the street and he was a man of his word. He walked into the building and onto the elevator, pushing the button without thinking, the routine burned in his subconscious as if nothing had ever changed. Hearing the familiar ding as the doors slid open, he walked onto the floor and realized things had changed, much more than he could have imagined. No Munch, shouting out ridiculous theories with his dark humor, no Cragen yelling out orders, no Liv sitting at her desk biting on her pencil while she thought through the latest case…and no sign he had ever been there. He didn't recognize anyone.

He felt his pulse race as he looked around the room, flashing back to his last day there…the day he'd killed a teenage girl who had only wanted to take revenge on the man who had raped and killed her mother…the girl who had no one to depend on but them…and yet he had killed her. He had killed her for avenging her mother's death after all the times he'd overstepped the bounds of the law to protect his family. If she deserved to die, maybe he did too. He couldn't get the picture out of his mind…the bullets flying across the room, the blood…everywhere, Olivia's eyes staring at him with terror and disbelief.

"Sir…" he was pulled from his thoughts by the blonde with the slight southern drawl that was standing in front of him. He wondered how long she had been there. "Sir…can you hear me? Can I help you?"

"Uhm…yeah, I'm sorry…my mind was wandering, I guess," he forced a smile. "I'm here to see Detective Benson."

"Do you mean _Sergeant_ Benson?" the woman asked with an uncertainty that was apparent in the way she spoke to him as she looked him over.

Elliot nodded, reminding himself once again that things had changed in the few short years he'd been gone, "Yes…Sergeant Benson…Olivia…I'm here to see her."

"I'm Detective Rollins," she said quickly. "Maybe I can help you…did you need to make a report?"

"No, I need to see Olivia," he sighed. "She knows I'm coming…she's expecting me…"

"You must be Stabler…" another detective jumped up from his desk and walked over extending his hand. "Nick Amaro…it's nice to finally meet you." Elliot shook his hand, looking him over…Olivia's new partner…the one who had replaced him. He was younger…probably better looking than him, although he doubted Olivia had cared much about that. He stared as Nick flashed a knowing grin at him and he wondered just how much Olivia had said about him to this guy. "She said you were picking her up for lunch. She's in her office."

"Cragen's old office?" Elliot asked just to be sure.

"Yeah…I can take you there," Amanda offered.

"I know where it is," he smiled. "Thanks…" He walked past them, listening as they whispered things he couldn't quite make out. He probably shouldn't have come there. He wondered how Olivia managed to work there among these strangers every single day…but then again they weren't strangers to her. They were younger, less experienced, but they were her friends…at least he thought they were. He hoped they were.

He pushed open the door to her office, concerned when he saw her head down on the desk. He knew she hadn't slept well the night before, but the fact that she was still so exhausted worried him. He wondered if they should talk to the doctor about it. Being tired during pregnancy was normal, he knew that…but Olivia was more than tired. She was physically exhausted…and while he suspected her age had something to do with that, he didn't want to mention it and risk upsetting her. "Liv…" he walked over to the desk, putting his hand on her shoulder. "Wake up…"

She lifted her head and looked at him, "El?" she sighed. "Oh God…how long have I been asleep?"

"I don't know," he answered, pulling crumbled cracker pieces out of her hair.

She reached up, running her fingers through her hair, embarrassed by the mess. He leaned in to kiss her, but she stopped him, "Don't…" she pushed him away. "I just threw up a little bit ago, and I haven't brushed my teeth yet."

"Oh…" he looked at the trashcan with disgust. "Are you sure you still want to go to lunch? Maybe I should take you home…"

She shook her head, "No…I'm fine. I want to go to lunch." She stood up and pulled a toothbrush and toothpaste from her desk drawer. "Let me go to the restroom and clean up a little." She scooted the crushed package of crackers into the trash can and pulled the bag out. "I'll throw this away, then give me ten minutes in the ladies room…and I'll be back." She looked at the chair across from her desk, "Have a seat."

He sat down, looking around the room while he waited for her. She hadn't changed it much since Cragen had been there. If anything it looked less inviting than it did before. The room was practically empty. He noticed the picture frame on her desk and remembered that she used to have a picture of the two of them. He picked it up, turning to look at the photo. It was a picture of Noah, his face covered in cake from his first birthday…of course that was the picture she'd want to look at all day. Any mother would, but he couldn't help but realize that all traces of him had disappeared from the place. He didn't know why he felt bad about it. He didn't want to be there anyway.

"I'm ready," she walked in and threw her toothbrush in the desk drawer. "Where are we eating?"

He stood up and walked over to her, "Are you sure you want to go eat? You said you just threw up?"

"And now I'm hungry," she insisted. "Nick says I'm sick because the baby wants me to remember she's here," she laughed. "I guess since she's made herself known, she wants to eat now."

"Okay," he laughed, leaning in and kissing her. "Let's go feed our little girl. Anything you want…but no tacos."

"Deal," she smiled, grabbing his hand and walking out the door.


	46. Chapter 46

"You're sure you only want salad?" Elliot asked when the waiter picked up their menus and walked back to place their orders. "You said you were hungry."

"Salad sounds good…really," Olivia smiled. "After last night, I think I'd better stick with something light and simple."

"Okay…but if you're still hungry, tell me," he looked at her sipping her water and smiled. "You said you wanted to talk…"

"Yeah," she put down her glass, taking a deep breath and trying to figure out how to start. She knew this conversation needed to happen, but she was afraid it wouldn't end well and she didn't know what she would do then. She'd be a single mother of two and the thought of that was overwhelming to her. She could do it though, if she had to…she'd be fine.

"What happened yesterday with the social worker?" he asked. "You said you messed up?"

"Apparently I was supposed to report my pregnancy to social services," she said softly. "I didn't know that…I _swear_. I vaguely remember something about family status, but when they gave me Noah I never imagined that anything would change…I've been on my own forever…"

"Why did you tell her you're pregnant in the first place?" he asked. "She couldn't have known."

"She had my employment records and they told her I've been missing a lot of work," she closed her eyes and rubbed her temples. "El, I could lose him if I don't get myself back on track. I can't lose my baby…"

"You _won't_," he promised. "Liv…they can't take him just because you're pregnant. That doesn't make you a bad mother."

"She asked about you, El," she looked sadly at him. "That's why she asked if you wanted to adopt him. Before she left, she said I can't just have you walking in and out of his life. She said we either commit…or I come to terms with being a single mom." She could feel the tears stinging her eyes and tried to hold them back.

The waiter brought over a tray, placing Olivia's salad in front of her and then giving Elliot his cheeseburger and fries. Elliot thanked him, watching as Olivia poured the creamy white dressing over her salad, sticking her finger in the container and scooping out the last of it and licking it off quickly. He'd never seen her do that before and it made him smile. "Do you want my pickles?" he offered, holding out the two dill spears to her.

"You're changing the subject," she said, but she grabbed the pickles and sat them on her plate.

"Liv, what do you want me to say?" he asked. "Do you want to get married…do you want me to adopt Noah with you? I'll do that if it's what you want…"

"I want you to tell me what you _want_," she said quickly. "Elliot…I can do this on my own. I can have this baby…I can raise my son and this little girl all by myself…but what I can't do is have you coming in and out of our lives whenever it's convenient for you. I can't let my son get attached to you…and then have you just walk out on us…"

"You know I wouldn't do that," he insisted.

"You did it to me before," she brushed away the tear that was sliding down her cheek. "You left me…for three damn years…"

"Liv…we talked about this," he said seriously. "I thought you understood. I said I was sorry…"

"I know you're sorry…and if it was just me, I could move on with that…but I have two kids to think about now, Elliot," she sighed. "I don't want them to get hurt."

"I love Noah…and I wouldn't let him get hurt. And you know I would never hurt my daughter, Olivia," his voice was angrier than he intended. "You _know_ I love her…you know that!"

"I didn't say you don't love her," she whispered, hoping he would calm down and lower his voice as well. "But El…you said you didn't _want_ a baby right now. You told me that…and you _meant_ it. I know you meant it, but when I told you about her…about her having Down syndrome…that all changed and I just don't understand how or why. I'm afraid you're back to trying to do the right thing…and it will eventually be too much for you…and you'll bolt. I _can't_ face that again."

He ran his fingers through his short hair and took a drink of his soda, wishing it was something much stronger. "When you told me she had Down syndrome…you were heartbroken, Liv. You were bawling and you cried for the next three days. She needed at least one of her parents in her corner…and that left me…"

Her eyes widened and he knew she was shocked by his bluntness. "Are you _serious_?" she asked. "I was crying because my heart breaks for _her_, not me…I want her to be happy and healthy and I can't fix this…nothing will fix this for her. I'm her _mother_…and I _can't_ make this okay. But I _love_ her, Elliot. You know I love her." She cried. "How dare you sit there and say I'm not in her corner…you son of a bitch…" She stood up and started toward the door, but he ran after her, grabbing her arm.

"Liv…stop," he looked around at the other customers who were staring at them. "I'm sorry…come sit back down…please…" She grabbed her arm away from him, but walked back to the table. He watched her stab her salad with her fork, and couldn't help but wonder if she was imagining stabbing it into him. "I know you love her," he said honestly. "I didn't mean you didn't love her. I just meant that I could tell how scared you were…how scared you _are_…and we can't _both_ feel that way, Liv. One of us has to be stronger…she needs that."

"I'm going to be strong for her," she promised. "She's never gonna know how scared I am…"

"I know how strong you are," he said gently. "But you don't have to be…not all the time. Liv, I want to be here for you…I really do…"

"You said you didn't want this baby, Elliot," she said sadly. "Now you say you do…because you want to be here for _me_. I don't see how anything has really changed. You don't know what you want…and I can't keep doing this…it isn't fair…"

"I want this, Liv," he insisted. "I want _you_…"

"Elliot…you can't have _just_ me," she sighed. "I come with a hell of a lot of baggage now. I have Noah…I'm having this baby…"

"I love you. I love Noah. I love this baby," he promised. "That's the God's honest truth, Liv and it should be enough."

"If I wasn't pregnant," she began. "If I didn't have Noah…if it was just me and you…what do you think our relationship would be like right now?" she asked. "Honestly…"

"I don't know," he admitted. "I'd still want to be with you…"

She nodded, "You'd want casual sex and dinner dates…when you felt like it. You wouldn't want to settle down and have a family."

"I've already done that, Liv," he said. "And I failed at it."

You wouldn't _choose_ to do this with _me_," she cried. "You wouldn't choose diapers and bath-time and lullabies. You wouldn't want to hold my hair back while I puke, or go out to get me tacos at night, or wake up early with the baby so I can get some extra sleep. You'd never choose that life…"

"Sometimes life chooses you," he said seriously.

She shook her head, "Elliot…I don't want you to wake up one day and realize this isn't what you want. I don't want you to hate me for pushing you into it. I don't want you to regret the kids."

"I could never regret this," he insisted.

"You regretted Kathy," she said. "And right now, I feel like I'm just like her…"

He didn't know how to respond to that. He looked at her, nervously biting her bottom lip and he knew she wanted him to say something…react in some way to what she'd said, but he didn't know how. "What do _you_ want, Liv?" he asked. "Tell me that…you keep asking what _I_ want, but you haven't said what _you_ want."

"I want you to love me…to want to marry me…to be Noah's father and to make our daughter Daddy's little girl…" she sobbed and tried to catch her breath, overwhelmed by her outburst of honesty. "But I want you to want that…to feel like you can't live without that…but you didn't choose this life, so that's never going to happen."

"Liv…I do love you, more than I could ever imagine loving anyone. And I know I'm not Noah's father…but I'd like to be. And our daughter is already Daddy's little girl," he had tears burning his eyes. "I didn't choose this…I didn't _want_ it…you're right about that. But I've never felt like this before…I told Maureen that I feel like this baby has changed me…made me a better person and she's not even here yet. And that's the truth, Liv. I'd never have chosen this…but now, I wouldn't trade it for the world."

She looked at him, unsure if she was hearing him clearly. Afraid that she was letting all her hopes and dreams hang on his words and they would come crashing down at any moment. "El…" she cried.

"I want this, Liv," he promised. "I do…"

"Really?" she whispered.

He nodded, "Really…and not because the social worker said we have to figure things out…but because I can't imagine going on without you, or Noah, or this new baby. I love going out at night when you're craving ridiculous things, and playing with Noah in the morning so you can sleep in, and I can sing a mean lullaby when I have to," he smiled and she laughed a little.

"You don't like holding my hair while I puke?" she teased.

"I'll admit that's not my favorite part of our relationship," he smiled. "But I'll do it…because that's what you do for the person you love. And I love you…so much…"

"I love you too," she leaned across the table, kissing him softly on the lips.

"We can do this," he smiled as he pulled away from the kiss. "We can make this work. I have no doubt about that."

"I think so too," she agreed.

"I want to tell my kids," he said. "At Christmas…it's only a few weeks. I owe them that, Liv…before we go any further with this…"

"I understand," she nodded. "They deserve to know."

"Maybe you and Noah would like to spend Christmas in Queens," he suggested.

"Maybe…" she smiled.

"You need to eat," he pointed at her salad that she'd only half-way finished. Then he took a bite of his cheeseburger, noticing how she had her eyes focused on his plate. "What?" he asked.

"Can I eat your french fries?" she asked with a slight chuckle.

"Of _course_ you can eat my french fries," he laughed, and he watched with a smile as she grabbed one after the other off his plate, dipping them in her salad dressing and eating them until they were gone. He'd never felt that kind of love in his life…and at that moment, he felt like the luckiest man in the world.


	47. Chapter 47

**Thanks again for the awesome reviews. I am so glad people enjoyed the talk. Here is a short chapter...it is a lead into a bigger one with much more going on, but unfortunately I haven't had much writing time today. Hopefully the next part will be up tomorrow. I hope you enjoy this little bit...**

It was nearly three weeks later, Christmas Eve, and Olivia found herself sitting at Mercy Hospital waiting for Fin to show up. She wasn't supposed to go out on cases…not at all…but this time she'd had no choice. Amaro had gone to California to spend the holidays with his daughter, Rollins wasn't answering her phone, and Fin was spending Christmas Eve with his son. She was the only one on duty, and even she had been at home, packing up presents to take to Elliot's house in Queens, when the call came in. A woman, mid-thirties, raped and beaten by a coworker during an office Christmas party. After all her years working crimes like this, she knew the holidays brought out the worst in people. It was sickening. She finished packing up her car, and drove to the hospital, knowing she was on light duty but not wanting to pull Fin away from his Christmas celebration. She knew he didn't have enough time with his son anyway. They needed this time together.

After talking with the woman, holding her hand during the rape kit, and hearing from a witness who was at the party, she knew they had to pick up the guy. It was clear what had happened. She thought about doing it herself, for about a second before she came to her senses and realized that talking with a rape victim at the hospital was nowhere near the same as trying to arrest a rapist. She couldn't do that, it was too risky, so she called Fin and after he yelled at her for going to the hospital alone he told her to sit there and wait for him. So that's what she'd been doing for the past half hour, going over the notes she'd taken when she interviewed the victim, and watching the snow pile up outside the window.

"Damn…it's coming down out there," Fin stomped snow off his boots and pulled off his hat as he walked in the room. He looked at Olivia sitting in the waiting room. "What the hell did you think you were doing?" he asked with frustration.

"I couldn't get a hold of Rollins," she explained.

"Yeah…I think she was going to some holiday thing for Gambler's Anonymous," Fin said. "But you should've called me."

"You needed time with Ken," she insisted. "And this wasn't a big deal."

"Like hell," he argued. "Light duty means you don't go out and get involved in the investigation. You know that. You have to keep that baby girl safe."

She put her hand on the firm roundness of her stomach, barely concealed by her sweater and definitely growing more noticeable over the last few weeks. She'd taken Elliot's advice and bought a few things a couple of sizes larger than her old clothes, but even they were getting tight. The jeans she was wearing were being held together with a safety pin since they wouldn't button anymore. She figured she'd take advantage of the After-Christmas sales to pick up some maternity clothes. It was time, and even she could admit that. "The baby is fine," she insisted as she grabbed her coat and buttoned it up, wondering how much longer she could get by without getting a bigger one. It was tight, but would work for now. "She just wants to get home and have Christmas with her family," Olivia gave a nervous smile.

"Where's Noah?" he asked, suddenly realizing it what Olivia's first Christmas with her son and she was spending it working.

"In Queens…with Elliot and the rest of the Stabler clan," she smiled. "El knew I had to get some things done today and I was on duty anyway…so he decided to keep him, but he promised they'd wait for me to decorate the tree and leave out cookies for Santa." She looked at her watch, "So I'd better hurry."

"All of the Stablers?" Fin asked. "So, Elliot told the kids? How'd that go over?"

"I have no idea," she admitted. "He was supposed to tell them today, before I show up over there. Give them time to calm down and get used to things. If it's not going well, Noah and I may just drive back home."

"Well good luck," he smiled. "I'm sure they'll warm up to the idea eventually. You'd better get going though. The snow is a mess and if you don't head out you'll get stuck here," he took the file from her and looked through it. "I'll take care of this…Merry Christmas, Liv."

"Merry Christmas," she reached out and hugged him and then headed to her car.

It took twice as long as usual, but Olivia finally pulled up in front of Elliot's house. The Christmas lights were sparkling on the outside of the house, and with the drifting snow she couldn't help but think it looked like a Christmas card. She could imagine the happy family, inside decorating the tree, singing Christmas carols, and drinking hot chocolate…and she wanted nothing more than to be a part of that. She wasn't sure the Stabler kids would be open to her as a part of their family though…and she couldn't blame them really. She just hoped they'd accept Noah and the baby. Her kids needed a family more than she did.

She opened the car door, debating whether or not to take in the packages she had piled in the backseat and deciding against it when her foot slipped on the icy street. She held onto the car for support until she could regain her balance and then started slowly to the house. She was scared of falling, but the sidewalk was as icy as the street and there was nothing to hold onto for balance. She stopped, trying to figure out the best way to get into the house when Elliot opened up the door and made his way over to her. "God…I was worried sick. This weather is crazy. I wish you would've come sooner," he took her arm and she let him guide her toward the house.

"How did it go?" she asked with anticipation.

He shook his head, "Liv…there's a problem," he stopped on the porch and looked at her seriously. "I didn't get to tell them anything."

"What?" she asked. "So what…am I supposed to go in there and pretend like there's nothing between us? Are we gonna tell them together? What was the problem anyway?"

"Kathy's here," he looked petrified, like she might go off on him and she had to laugh. Leave it to his ex-wife to ruin their family time…but then again, wasn't that what Kathy had accused her of doing for years? "Her plane was delayed because of the snow. She brought Eli over, but she can't get a flight out for Florida until morning. I'm so sorry…"

"She was going to Florida?" Olivia asked. "Is her husband here too?"

Elliot nodded, "Paul…yeah. I just didn't want to tell the kids in front of her, Liv. Do you understand?"

"Of course I understand," she nodded. "But are you sure Maureen hasn't already told her?"

"I'm sure," Elliot added. "So, maybe we just get through Christmas Eve and then we can tell them tomorrow? I told them you were coming to get Noah…and you'd probably stay because of the storm. They seemed to buy that."

Olivia nodded reluctantly, "So…do I wear my coat all night or what?" she asked. "I think they might notice otherwise."

He laughed, "Liv…you don't have to wear your coat. I don't think they'll notice."

"Are you kidding me?" she asked. "El…I've gained eight pounds…and it looks like more. I'm huge…"

"You're not huge," he put his arms around her and pulled her into a kiss. "You look sort of chubby…"

"Well thanks a lot," she snickered.

"What I mean is, Kathy and the kids haven't seen you in years Liv. They'll probably think you've gained some weight, but they won't suspect anything else until we tell them," he smiled. "I'm sure of it."

"Okay," she sighed. "Let's just get through the night."

"You're sure you can handle this," he asked. "I don't want to ruin your first Christmas with Noah."

"As long as I'm with you and Noah…this will be perfect," she smiled. "Now I really need to get inside. I have to pee…"

He laughed, "What else is new?" It seemed she spent half her time in the bathroom lately, both day and night. He couldn't remember the last time he'd slept through the night because it always woke him up when she'd get out of bed to go to the bathroom. "Come on," he took her hand and kissed her once more. "In case I don't get to tell you tonight…I love you."

"I love you too," she sighed. "Merry Christmas."


	48. Chapter 48

"Olivia?" Elizabeth Stabler grinned when Olivia made her way downstairs from the bathroom. "Wow…I haven't seen you forever," she ran up and hugged her, taking Olivia a bit off guard.

"Lizzie?" she asked, staring at the girl who was now a woman. She was almost as tall as Olivia, with long blonde hair braided down her back. "Look at you…" she smiled. "You're all grown up."

"I'm in college," she smiled. "I'm majoring in journalism. I should graduate next year." She looked toward the living room where her twin brother was busy trying to straighten the Christmas tree and Noah and Kate were wrapping themselves in garland. "Your little boy is adorable."

"Thanks," she smiled. "Dickie…move the tree a little to the right," she suggested and he looked up at her and smiled.

"Olivia…I was wondering when you'd get here," he finished fidgeting with the tree and stood up, "Dad wouldn't let us decorate the tree until you got here. Oh, and just call me Richard, okay?"

"Got it…Richard," she sat down on the couch, and Noah toddled over to her. She picked him up, sitting him in her lap and he leaned back and cuddled in her arms. He was tired. It was almost his bedtime and she'd just made it home. Some holiday this was turning out to be. She kissed him and held him close, "Mommy missed you today," she whispered. Then she looked around the room, wondering where the rest of the family was, Elliot included.

"Go get Eli," Elizabeth said quickly. "I think he's upstairs." So her brother walked upstairs to find the youngest of the Stabler clan. Elizabeth sat next to Olivia, "Dad said you'd probably stay because of the snow. Are you staying?" she asked.

"Probably," Olivia nodded, feeling more uncomfortable by the minute.

It was only a matter of time before everyone else bounded into the room. Olivia stared in awe when she saw seven year old Eli. She barely recognized him. She hadn't seen him since he was a toddler, and she'd always felt a strong connection to the little boy she'd helped deliver the day she and Kathy had been in what could have been a tragic car accident. She remembered holding Eli in her arms while his mother coded in the ambulance, the fear she felt when she realized she might have to tell Elliot that his wife was dead, and the relief she felt when she finally knew Kathy would be alright. As much as she'd loved Elliot…she never wanted things to end up like that…and the sad, lingering hug he'd given her at the hospital after he'd seen his wife and son still ached in her soul. That was when she knew he could never choose her over them, no matter how much he might have wanted to. He may have loved her, but he was committed to his family and even she couldn't break that. And now here she was, trapped in the house with them, and all she wanted to do was grab her son and go home.

"Olivia…" Kathy's smile looked genuine, as Olivia swallowed the lump in her throat. "I hope you don't mind spending the holiday with all of us. I can't believe the airport canceled my flight," she looked almost as uncomfortable as Olivia. She grabbed the man standing next to her and wrapped her arm around him, "This is my husband, Paul. Paul…this is Elliot's ex-partner, Olivia Benson."

Olivia extended her hand, "Nice to meet you."

"Come on," Maureen picked up Kate and smiled. "Let's get this tree decorated."

Olivia let Noah down from her lap so he could help with the festivities, but she was scared to move from her place on the sofa. She had her coat, carefully situated in her lap, trying to hide what she was sure would be obvious to everyone…and she didn't know how to keep that up all night.

"Your son is precious," Kathy sat down next to her while her husband went to help the kids with the tree. "You must be so proud of him."

"I am," she agreed, her pulse racing. "I love him more than I could ever have imagined loving anyone."

"Yeah," Kathy nodded. "Kids do that to you." She smiled, "Thanks for hiring Maureen…she really needed a steady job."

"She's great," Olivia insisted. "Noah loves her…and I could never find anyone else I could depend on like her. She's been a Godsend."

"She really needed this after that asshole of an ex treated her the way he did," Kathy sputtered. "So I just want you to know I appreciate you looking after her." She stood up and walked over to Elliot who was helping Eli pull apart icicles. "Come help me in the kitchen," she suggested. "We can make some cocoa for everyone." Elliot glanced at Olivia, still sitting in the same position on the couch and she nodded, letting him know she didn't care if he left her there. So he reluctantly followed his ex-wife into the kitchen.

Kathy started to heat the milk on the stove while Elliot grabbed cups from the cupboard. They could see into the living room where everyone was busy throwing years-worth of handmade decorations on the tree. The twins were arguing over the best place to put their grandmother's glass bulbs and the little kids were gleefully piling ornaments on the bottom branches. Olivia pulled herself up from the couch then, placing Noah on her hip so he could reach some of the higher branches…trying to even out the ornament display, and Kathy watched them knowingly. "Olivia looks good," Kathy stood next to her ex-husband as they both stared at the scene in the living room. "I haven't seen her in a while."

"Yeah," he agreed. "I'm glad she decided to stay tonight."

"She's gained weight…nice to know she's not so perfect anymore," Kathy feigned a slight chuckle. Then she looked at Elliot with solemn seriousness, "Is her son yours Elliot?" she asked.

He turned to her, his eyes widened with disbelief. Kathy always knew how to push his buttons, even when she wasn't trying to. "She adopted Noah," he answered. "Why would you even ask me that?"

"He looks just like her," she shrugged. "I wouldn't have guessed he was adopted. I just thought…you two seem awfully close…"

"Me and Liv?" he asked. "Or me and Noah?"

"Both," she sighed. She stared as Olivia situated Noah again, trying to balance him better on her hip. "What about the baby she's carrying?" she looked at him. "Is it yours?" The shock on Elliot's face made her want to laugh and she had to force herself not to. Did he really think she was that stupid? "Don't look so surprised," she told him. "I've carried five babies Elliot and I've been pregnant four times. I recognize a pregnant woman when I see one." She motioned toward the living room, "See how she keeps moving Noah from one hip to the other…she's trying to take some of the pressure off her back. And how she keeps moving his little feet away from her belly whenever he squirms…she knows he's gonna kick her in the stomach with his little boots. I've been there, Elliot…I've done that." She looked at him and smiled, "Besides, that sweater she's wearing really doesn't do much to hide it. You didn't answer me. Is it your baby?"

"Yeah," he poured cocoa into the milk on the stove, stirring it mindlessly.

"I figured," she sighed. "When are you going to tell the kids?"

"I was planning to tell them today," his voice was bitter. "Before she got here. I didn't want her to have to be here when I did it…in case it didn't go well."

"But I ruined that for you?" she asked. "I'm sorry…"

"You couldn't control the snow storm," he sat at the table and Kathy walked over and sat next to him. "Kath…the kids aren't going to be happy about this. I don't want to hurt them…and I don't want to hurt Liv."

"The kids are more grown up than you think," she smiled. "I wouldn't be surprised if they already know. How did Maureen take it? I assume she knows, right?"

"She was wonderful…about everything…" he said gratefully.

"What do you mean…_everything_?" Kathy asked.

"Kathy…this hasn't been an easy pregnancy," he admitted. "I've been kind of a jerk…"

"Why does that not surprise me?" she laughed.

"I'm being serious," he admitted. "I really hurt her. I didn't want this baby and I told her that."

"You _what_?" she was shocked. She couldn't imagine Elliot doing anything other than pushing his feelings down and doing the right thing, because that was what he'd always done with her.

"I just couldn't imagine bringing another child into this world…" he admitted. "After what happened with Kathleen…I just didn't want to have to try to be a father again."

"You're already a father, Elliot…to four other great kids," she insisted. "Kathleen didn't change that…she didn't take away how important you are to them…or to this little baby."

"I know that…now," he sighed. "It took some time…"

"Olivia deserves better than that, Elliot," she said seriously. "She's not young…this pregnancy can't be easy on her…you should be making it as easy as possible…"

"I am," he argued. "I swear. Things are good now…really good." He couldn't believe he was sitting there while his ex-wife lectured him on being insensitive to Olivia. He watched as Kathy made her way to the stove, pouring the cocoa into cups. "Kathy…" she looked at him and he took a deep breath. "I want to ask you something…since you obviously know a hell of a lot more than I do about how to make a pregnant woman feel better about things…"

She laughed a little, "What, Elliot? What do you want to ask?"

"The baby…she has Down syndrome…" he saw Kathy's face change…saddened by the news and he hated that look. It was the look everyone gave the first time they heard it and it was heartbreaking to know the mention of your child provoked that response in people. "Liv's having a hard time with it," he admitted. "She loves this baby more than anything, but she's so scared and worried and just sad a lot of the time. How can I fix this for her…make things okay for her?"

"I don't know if you can," she said sadly. "Elliot…this is a hard thing…I can't imagine. Why would you have the testing done anyway? I know you're against that…"

"She did it," he told her. "Without telling me. I was mad at first, but now…I guess I'm glad we know. We can get ready for her…"

"Have you done that?" she asked.

"What do you mean?" he questioned.

"Gotten ready for the baby," she smiled. "Bought her clothes or started her baby book or picked out her name…the things you do when you're having a baby Elliot. Are you getting ready for your daughter?"

He shook his head, "I guess we've been too focused on learning about Down syndrome and how to help her with that."

Kathy nodded, "Well then that's where I think you have to start. Olivia's having a hard time with this, but she still deserves the chance to experience becoming a mother. You've been getting ready for her Down syndrome…you haven't been getting ready for the _baby_."

Her words struck like a knife and he knew she was right, "Thanks," he whispered.

"You should tell the kids tonight," she suggested. "If you want to do it alone, I can ask Olivia to come up and help me wrap presents or something. But you need to get this out in the open. You can't ask her to pretend for the whole holiday…and I think the kids will surprise you."

"Let's take the cocoa out," he smiled, grabbing the tray with the cups. He followed Kathy into the living room surprised when she walked over to Olivia and asked to hold Noah. Olivia handed her son to Kathy, and he watched as she stretched a little, working the kinks out of her back. Her back was hurting, and she hadn't said a thing about it, but Kathy knew just by looking at her. Even though he'd never loved her the way he thought he should have, he did love Kathy. He was grateful to her…for putting up with him for so many years and for giving him beautiful children and even now for not hating him completely for ruining their marriage. He was glad she was happy with Paul, even if he didn't care much for the guy. They all deserved to be happy…and he hoped they would be.

**More soon...**


	49. Chapter 49

"Dad…where are the stockings?" Elizabeth asked. She looked at Noah, snuggled in Olivia's arms and Kate who had curled up in her grandfather's lap and smiled, "We need to hang them up so the little ones can go to bed."

"Maybe they're still in the attic," Elliot started to move Kate off his lap, but Maureen stopped him.

"I'll go look," she offered, and then headed toward the stairs.

"Noah's stocking is in the car," Olivia added, dreading going out in the slippery snow to retrieve it.

"I can go get it," Richard offered, "Do you want me to get anything else?"

"Uhm…I have a lot of things out there," she said, wondering if he'd realize from the amount of things in the car that she had planned all along to stay for the whole holiday.

"Like p-r-e-s-e-n-t-s?" he asked with a wink.

"_Presents_?" Eli asked with excited eagerness.

Olivia laughed, "There might be one or two for you Smarty Pants," she tossled his blonde hair. Then she leaned over and whispered to Richard, "Could you leave Noah's out on the porch. I'll bring them in after he goes to bed. I don't want him to see them until morning." She knew he was still too little to really understand, but she'd waited years to play Santa Claus and she wasn't going to lose her first chance.

"Sure," he smiled. Then he put on his coat and went out to get her things.

Maureen came down with a box and Kathy dug through it, pulling out the stockings. They were all the same, a deep red with gold embroidered names down the side. "Those are beautiful," Olivia said, admiring them.

"Mom made them," Elizabeth smiled.

"Wow…you have real talent," Olivia looked at Kathy and smiled. "I bought Noah's at Walgreens on my way home from work yesterday," she laughed.

"Well, I had a lot more time on my hands when my kids were little," Kathy reminded her. She pulled out a stocking and stared at it, running her fingers longingly over the name and Olivia knew without looking that it belonged to Kathleen. They still kept her stocking in the box, even though this wasn't their first Christmas without her. Olivia held her son closer to her, praying she'd never have to know what it felt like to celebrate a holiday without her child.

"Here's your stuff," Richard came in the door, putting Olivia's suitcase by the door and holding out Noah's stocking. It was blue with a glittery white snowman on the front. He walked over to her, brushing the snow off his coat and leaned in to whisper, "Everything else is on the porch. I can bring it in after the kids go to bed if you want."

"Thanks Dickie…_Richard_," she sighed.

They hung the stockings and Maureen insisted she was too old for hers, but Kathy and Elliot both argued with her that she should hang it anyway. Olivia smiled, realizing that this woman she trusted with her son's well-being everyday was still a little girl in her parents' eyes even though she was a mother herself. No one had ever treated her like a little girl, even when she _was_ one, and she couldn't imagine what it must feel like to have someone love you that much. She was going to love her kids that way…she already did.

"We have to get Santa's cookies," Eli was bouncing up and down, full of more energy than any child should have that late at night. He grabbed Olivia's hand, "Come help me pick some!" Olivia was tired just watching him…but she sat Noah on the couch next to Elliot and Kate, and followed Eli into the kitchen, finding a plate and letting him choose a few cookies to leave for Santa and one to eat himself. She wondered if anyone would care if she ate Santa's cookies after the kids were asleep. They looked delicious and she was starving. If she was supposed to make them believe she was just putting on weight, she ought to at least be able to eat.

"I think it's time for bed," Elliot said as he watched his son put the cookies on the table and look out the window for the hundredth time.

"I want a story," Eli gave a fake whine, letting them know he wasn't going to go to sleep anytime soon.

"You know," Kathy smiled. "I think Paul would love to read you a story." She glanced at her husband who nodded. Then she picked up Kate from Elliot's lap, "Olivia and I will go put the babies to bed."

"Mom…I can do that," Maureen started to take her daughter, but Kathy stopped her.

"No…I think your dad wants to talk to all of you," she smiled. Then she watched as Paul took Eli upstairs and smiled at Olivia, "Come on…I think Noah can sleep in Kate's room tonight."

Olivia picked up her son, who was rubbing his eyes and starting to fuss. He was overly tired and she knew it would take time to get him to fall asleep. She wasn't looking forward to trying to get him to sleep in a strange place under Kathy's watchful eye. Kathy had been nothing but nice to her, and yet she felt inferior to her. Kathy was a more experienced mother than she was…a better mother maybe…she didn't want to feel judged. She followed Kathy upstairs and wished she had told Elliot she didn't want to spend Christmas in Queens. As much as she loved seeing the kids again, this wasn't the holiday she had imagined. She didn't know what she'd thought would happen, but for one thing she was tired and her pants were digging into her skin and she was tired of pretending she was just chubby, as Elliot had so eloquently put it. It was her first family Christmas, and yet she didn't really feel like she was part of the family. She was still an outsider looking in and it hurt…and she wasn't even sure why.

**Elliot's talk with the kids will be up next. Sorry I didn't get to it today. More soon!**


	50. Chapter 50

**Here's some more. I'll post again soon!**

"They can share Kate's bed…if you don't mind," Kathy said as she put her granddaughter in the small toddler bed, pulling back the pink bedding. Kate was already in her pajamas and was back to sleep in no time. Noah on the other hand was getting more and more upset, fighting sleep.

"I forgot the diaper bag," Olivia sighed, dreading going back down for it.

"I'll get it," Kathy offered. "Kate's asleep anyway." She headed to the door, stopping when Olivia called to her.

"I'm gonna give Noah a bath," she said. "So can you bring it in there?"

"Sure," Kathy smiled.

Olivia was sitting on the floor in Elliot's upstairs bathroom, running warm water in the tub. She knew Noah would never go to sleep without his nightly bath, even though it was late and she wished he was already sound asleep. She put him in the tub, and his cries lessened. She smiled and whispered to him, "Mommy's good boy…you have to calm down now."

"Here's the diaper bag," Kathy walked in, watching Olivia with the little boy. She sat on the toilet lid and smiled at Olivia sitting in the floor, "You're gonna want to find an easier position for bathing him," she suggested. "It's gonna get harder…" Olivia looked up at her, placing her hand carefully on her stomach and Kathy gave her a knowing nod, "I used to sit on the edge of the tub. It's easier to get up from there when you get bigger."

"Elliot said no one would notice because I look chubby," she sighed.

"He said that?" Kathy rolled her eyes. "He's never been known for his sensitivity." She laughed, "You don't look chubby," she assured her. "I could tell you were pregnant about ten seconds after you walked in the door."

"Did you tell Elliot you know?" Olivia asked, unsure of how to proceed with the conversation.

Kathy nodded, "Yes…and I told him to tell the kids. That's what he's doing right now. I thought maybe you'd both want to tell Eli together later, but the older ones need to know. They probably already suspect something."

"Do you think they'll be mad?" Olivia asked, and Kathy shook her head. "Are you?"

"I don't think it's any of my business," Kathy said honestly.

"Kathy…you know Elliot and I…we never…I mean, he never cheated on you," Olivia felt the need to explain. "I know you always thought there was something between us…"

"There was," Kathy insisted. "But I know you weren't sleeping together then." She looked down at the floor, "Olivia…this isn't an easy conversation to have, and I'm not sure this is the right time for it."

"I just wanted you to know," she sighed. "He wouldn't have hurt you or the kids like that."

"He hurt you instead," Kathy nodded sadly. "Is that what you're saying?"

"I had no reason to be hurt," Olivia admitted. "No reason at all." She pulled Noah out of the tub, drying him with one of Elliot's bath towels and laying him carefully on the floor to put on a fresh diaper on clean pajamas.

"He loves you," Kathy said sincerely. "And I'm glad he's happy. He hasn't been happy for a very long time."

Olivia nodded, pulling herself up off the floor and carrying Noah in her arms. "I think I'll just lay down with him a while," she said, wanting nothing more than to remove herself from the uncomfortableness of the conversation. "I don't think he'll fall asleep otherwise."

"I'll go check on Paul and Eli," Kathy smiled. "It will probably take both of us and about a million stories to get him to sleep tonight."

Olivia watched as Kathy disappeared into Eli's room and then walked with Noah into Elliot's. She hadn't stayed there since the night she came to tell him their baby had Down syndrome. He spent almost every night at her apartment, or she spent it alone…but never back here. She lay across the bed, Noah snuggled in the crook of her arm and gently patted his stomach hoping he would fall asleep. Elliot was downstairs telling his kids about her…about their baby. She couldn't remember the last time she had spent Christmas with anyone other than herself, and right now she longed for the easiness and solitude of being alone.

Downstairs, Elliot was helping the kids pack up the unused decorations. He could hear water running through the pipes above his head, typical of the old house and the weak plumbing, and he figured Olivia had decided to give Noah a bath to calm him down. That was how she always got him ready for bed at home. He saw Kathy, out of the corner of his eye walking into the room and grabbing Noah's diaper bag. She looked at him, like she expected something, but he avoided her glance and she went back upstairs.

"What did you want to talk to us about?" Elizabeth asked as she sat the nativity set carefully on the end table. "Mom said you needed to talk to us."

Elliot looked at Elizabeth, and then at his son who was busy putting the lid on a storage container of ornaments, and then to Maureen who already knew what he was going to say. He was at a loss for words and wished she would jump in and say what needed to be said, but he knew he was being a coward. They deserved to hear it from him. "I wanted to tell you thank you for including Olivia tonight," he said sincerely. "She's never had a family for Christmas before."

"Really?" Elizabeth asked. "Why?"

"She's been alone a long time," Elliot told her.

"You should've invited her before, then," Elizabeth added. "You've been friends since we were little and you just let her spend every holiday alone?"

Richard looked at his sister, and shook his head at her naiveté, "He couldn't do that, Liz," he sighed. "It wouldn't have been fair to Mom."

Elizabeth looked confused at first, but then realization spread across her face and she felt stupid. Was she the only one who hadn't known her father's feelings for his partner all those years? "Dad…"

"Lizzie," Elliot began slowly. "I promise you…Olivia and I…this is a relatively new thing…"

"How long?" Richard asked. "Is Noah your kid? We have a baby brother and you didn't even tell us."

"Noah isn't Dad's kid," Maureen argued. "Dad hadn't even seen Olivia in years before I started to work for her…and Noah was already eight months old by then. She adopted him. Just let Dad explain…"

"You already know what he's trying to tell us, don't you?" Elizabeth asked…then she looked at her father, "Just spill it, Dad."

"Olivia and I have been talking about me possibly adopting Noah with her," he said, hoping to ease into the conversation.

"You want to adopt a baby?" Richard asked with a slight laugh. "Are you gonna marry her?"

"We've been talking about it," Elliot admitted.

"Really?" Elizabeth asked. "You've been talking about getting married and you didn't even tell us you were seeing her?"

"I didn't want to upset you…I wasn't sure how you'd react," he admitted.

"I love Olivia," Elizabeth replied. "I always have…but I didn't know you were lusting after her while you were married to Mom either."

"They didn't do anything," Richard told her. "Mom's the one who filed for divorce and got remarried, Liz. You can't blame Olivia for that."

"I don't," Elizabeth insisted. "I said I've always loved her. I just feel weird about all of this now."

Maureen looked at her father, reminding him that he hadn't really said all the needed to be said. He'd only touched the surface. "Just tell them…" she whispered, and her brother and sister turned to look at her and then back at their father.

"Olivia's pregnant," he said quickly.

"She's _pregnant_?" Richard asked. "Did you do this on purpose? You…want more kids…really?"

"Dickie it's none of your business if we did this on purpose," Elliot sighed.

"Well that answers my question," he rolled his eyes in disbelief. "God Dad…you can't just keep it in your pants once in a while? You shouldn't need the safe sex speech at your age…"

"You are way out of line!" Elliot looked furiously at his son.

"And so are you!" he yelled back. "You think its okay to mope around here, act like we're not enough for you…for _years_. And then you just randomly go knock up your best _friend_ and decide you want to raise her kids with her? How is that fair?"

"I never thought you weren't enough," Elliot looked sadly at his son. The words stung, and he didn't know how to make things right. "I _loved_ you…I still do."

"Yeah," Richard sighed.

"I'm sorry," Elliot reached out and hugged his son in a way he hadn't done for years. "I never wanted you to think you weren't enough, son. I love you…all of you."

"Does Mom know?" Elizabeth asked. "About you and Olivia?"

Elliot nodded, "Yeah…and she knows about the baby too. She's the one who insisted I tell you tonight. And she was right…I should have told you sooner. I'm sorry…"

"Is Mom okay?" Elizabeth asked.

Elliot smiled gently, "She's fine, Lizzie. She loves Paul and she's happy…she doesn't really care how I live my life now…and she likes Olivia too."

"When's the baby due?" Richard asked. "I guess I could tell she looked pregnant…but I just thought maybe she was getting fat."

Elliot laughed, "Don't say that to her. I swear she'll bite your head off." He smiled, "I learned that one from experience."

"You told her she was fat?" Maureen asked. "Nice Dad…"

Elliot shook his head, "I just said she looked chubby so I thought maybe no one would notice she was pregnant."

"Wow," Elizabeth sighed. "Way to make her feel good about herself, Dad." She laughed. "So, when is the baby due?"

"In June," Elliot nodded. "It's a girl…"

Elizabeth smiled, "I bet she'll be really pretty…she probably won't look like the rest of us though. She'll probably look like Olivia."

"A Stabler that isn't blonde and blue-eyed," Richard laughed. "That'll be a first."

"What's her name?" Elizabeth asked eagerly.

"We haven't decided yet," Elliot smiled. "But if you have some thoughts I bet Olivia would love to hear them."

"We need to get this stuff put away," Maureen looked around the room and started picking up more things to put in boxes.

"Everything okay down here," Kathy said as she and Paul walked into the room. "The kids are asleep."

"I told Olivia I'd bring her presents in from the porch," Richard grabbed his coat. Then he hugged his mother and kissed her on the cheek, "Everything is fine down here." He looked at his father and shook his head sadly. He wasn't really mad, he was more disappointed. His father had changed everyone's lives in one moment of weakness...and he didn't seem to understand that.

"Where's Olivia?" Elliot asked, wondering if she was too afraid to come down and face his family now that they knew the truth.

"She's asleep," Kathy smiled. "On your bed, with Noah…she's exhausted, Elliot."

"Maybe I should let her sleep then," he said. "She's always so tired."

Kathy shook her head, "She'll never forgive you if you let her sleep through Christmas Eve. She wants to put out Noah's presents…remember?"

"I can do that," Elliot offered. "She needs to rest."

"Go wake her up," Kathy insisted. "Trust me…you won't want to face her wrath in the morning if you don't. Don't take her first Christmas as a mommy away from her."

Elliot knew Kathy was right, and as he walked up the stairs he wondered how he could always be so wrong about everything. He opened the bedroom door, smiling when he saw Olivia and Noah snuggled together in his bed. He walked over, sitting on the edge of the bed, placing his hand on the warmth of her skin where her sweater had shifted up over the swell of her stomach, rubbing gently. "Liv…" he whispered and she slowly opened her eyes. "Wake up…"

She sat up, pulling her sweater down to cover her exposed skin and yawned, "I didn't mean to fall asleep." She looked at him questioningly. "How did it go with the kids?"

He smiled, "They want to know what we're going to name the baby." She wondered if he was keeping their real feelings from her to spare hers, but decided to just be happy for once. "Let's go put Noah in Kate's room and then we can go play Santa." He picked up the baby and carried him toward the door.

Olivia climbed out of bed and followed him, "I call dibs on Santa's cookies," she laughed.


	51. Chapter 51

Olivia rolled over in bed, trying to untangle herself once again from Elliot's arms. She still wasn't used to always sleeping with someone else, especially someone who wanted to be so close all night long. Even when she'd lived with Brian he was content to roll over and sleep on the opposite side of the bed, when he was home at night, which was seldom anyway. She mentally kicked herself for thinking about Brian now…she was sure Elliot would love to know she was thinking about her ex as she tried to escape his grasp in the middle of the night.

"What are you doing?" Elliot whispered, not even opening his eyes, as she finally managed to sit on the side of the bed. "Are you okay?"

She sighed, frustrated at waking him up once again, "I'm fine…I have to go to the bathroom."

"Oh…" he drifted off, like he usually did once he realized nothing was wrong.

She stood up, shivering a little when her bare feet touched the cold wooden floor. Elliot's house was drafty and the blustery wind outside seemed to seep through every window and crack, leaving the house frigid. She could feel the goosebumps prickling her skin and rubbed her bare arms trying to warm up. She wished she'd brought something warmer than a t-shirt and yoga pants to sleep in, but it was too late for that now. She walked toward the bathroom, stopping at Kate's room and glancing inside to make sure Noah was still in bed and asleep. She'd been worried about leaving him in the toddler bed instead of a crib, but so far he seemed to be fine. She was afraid he might be cold, but when she walked over to check on him, he felt just as warm as always. Maybe she was the only one who was freezing half to death in Elliot's refrigerator of a house. Maybe she just missed the familiar warmth of her little apartment.

She noticed the soft glow of a light under a door down the hall from the bathroom, and she could hear voices inside. If she hadn't needed to pee so badly, she would've walked there instead, determined to find out what the conversation was about, knowing in her heart it was about her. Once the kids knew about her relationship with their father, and about the baby she was carrying, the rest of the evening had been uncomfortable at best. No one mentioned it to her, but as she arranged presents under the tree she could feel their judgmental stares. Even Maureen seemed less herself around her, here in the house with the rest of the Stablers, and Olivia couldn't help but be frustrated that Elliot seemed oblivious to it all. He had gone about the rest of the night as if nothing had changed.

She walked out of the bathroom, but instead of heading back to Elliot's room she walked toward the room where she knew his kids were talking. It was Maureen's room and Elizabeth was supposed to be sharing it with her for the holidays, but she could hear Richard's voice as well. They were all in there, and while she knew they had every right to talk about what was happening, to commiserate with one another…she felt an overwhelming need to know what they were saying. She wasn't usually so nosy…so self-conscious or suspicious. Maybe she could blame it on her hormones.

The cold floor creaked beneath her feet, reminding her once again how much she disliked the old house. She was afraid they might have heard her, but obviously they hadn't because when she stood outside the door she could hear everything and they weren't even trying to be quiet about it.

"I think Dad's been screwing her for years," Richard said. "You know Mom used to be worried about it. That's why she left him so many times."

"I don't think so," Maureen argued. "Really…Olivia was surprised when I showed up to interview for the nanny job. She asked me about Dad _and_ Mom. She didn't know about the divorce, she didn't know about Kathleen…Dad had pretty much cut her out of his life."

"Then why the _hell_ would she want him back now?" Richard asked.

"Maybe she loves him," Elizabeth suggested.

"Maybe she should think about the consequences of letting him into her life," Richard snapped. "Maybe she should think about how much it's going to hurt her kids when he decides their life isn't good enough for him anymore…"

"Not everyone hates him like you do," Elizabeth argued. "I don't even know why _you_ hate him so much. You were always his favorite."

"I don't hate him," Richard sighed. "I just…I don't know why he never felt like we were enough for him. He only came back to Mom because of Eli. You know that, right? And after Kathleen died, he let himself wallow in guilt for so long that he locked the rest of us out."

"He was hurting," Maureen said sadly. "We all were. You can't hate him forever because he had a hard time dealing with everything. It doesn't mean he didn't love _us_…"

"But now he's going to have this new family," Richard said sadly.

"So you're jealous?" Elizabeth asked. "Grow up…"

"I'm not _jealous_," he insisted. "I'm sad for them. Lizzie, do you really think Dad is going to be husband and father of the year all of the sudden? And what if he is this fabulous father and doting husband? What does that say about us?"

"He loves us," Maureen insisted. "He doesn't always know how to show it…but he does."

"It'd be nice if he could show it though," Elizabeth added. "When I was little…he used to try…but it's been a long time. I feel like he's been depressed for years…even before Kathleen."

"He has," Maureen agreed. "But I do think he's doing better. Olivia is good for him…"

Olivia stood outside the door, her heart breaking for them. Elliot's kids didn't hate her or the baby. They'd been hurt by their father and it really had nothing to do with her at all. She knocked softly on the door, hoping they would hear her before she chickened out. She wasn't sure why, but she knew she needed to talk to them and this seemed just as good a time as any. Elizabeth opened the door, surprised to see her standing there, "Olivia?" she asked. "What are you doing here?"

"I was in the bathroom and I saw the light," she forced a smile. "Can I come in?"

Elizabeth opened the door and Olivia walked in, looking at Richard and Maureen who were sitting on the bed. Elizabeth sat on the floor next them and as they stared at her, Olivia suddenly realized she had no idea what to say. She swallowed, trying to force the right words to come out of her mouth, but they didn't come.

"How long were you standing out there?" Richard asked.

"A while," she admitted. "I guess I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I didn't want to ruin your Christmas…" She tried to hold back her tears, not wanting to cry in front of them. That was the last thing they needed to see.

"You aren't ruining Christmas," Maureen insisted. "We love having you here."

"I heard the things you were saying," she admitted. "About your dad. I know having me here is just a reminder of all the ways you feel betrayed by him," she quickly wiped away a tear that was sliding down her cheek. "He _loves_ you…all of you…I promise you that."

"Olivia…" Richard looked at her standing there crying and he knew it wasn't his dad who had hurt her, but him and he felt terrible about it. He stood up, "Sit down," he said sadly. She took his place on the bed and he sat on the floor by his sister. "We aren't blaming you for this," he promised. "But it's hard…"

"I know," she said softly. "But I want you to know that your dad wants to be here for you. He feels awful about how things have been with all of you…he wants to do better. And this baby…she doesn't change the relationship he wants to have with all of you."

"We know that," Maureen insisted. "You shouldn't be worrying about us…"

"I do worry about you," Olivia added. "I love you too…all of you."

"Aren't you afraid Dad will walk out on you and Noah and this baby?" Richard asked.

"That's not fair…" Maureen argued with her brother. "Don't say things like that to her."

"It's okay," Olivia sighed. "I think it's a reasonable question." She looked at Richard, "I don't think he will…but I guess there's no way to know for sure. I know he's had problems. I know about the depression…he's battled that for years, long before he split with your mom the first time. I know he's brooding and angry and unpredictable…and I know that isn't always easy to live with," she took a deep breath, "But he's also kind hearted and loving and he has this intrinsic need to do the right thing. I've been where you are…" she said sadly. "I've regretted him and questioned whether he is really and truly capable of loving anyone anymore and wondered what the hell I've gotten into here," she said seriously. "But I love him. And as much as I was sure I could do this pregnancy and motherhood thing all by myself…he's made it so much easier. I need him…"

"I'm excited about the baby," Elizabeth smiled. "I never thought there'd be another Stabler girl around here."

Olivia laughed a little, "She came as quite a surprise to me too, Lizzie." She let her hand rest on her stomach, "But I love her too."

"We all love her," Richard gave a slight smile. "Just because I'm questioning some of Dad's choices…I don't want you to think that means I don't love my new baby sister."

Olivia nodded, "I know it isn't easy…but I know you love her."

Elizabeth stood up and hugged Olivia, "Can I feel…the baby?" she asked putting her hand softly on Olivia's stomach.

"She's not moving around yet…not to where I can feel it anyway," Olivia put her hand on top of Elizabeth's. "I'd love to feel her kick…so I don't just feel fat all the time," she laughed. "But the doctor said she might not ever move very much. Downs babies just don't have the muscle tone and strength to kick really hard…"

"Downs babies…" Elizabeth looked shocked and Olivia looked to Maureen, and her face let her know that Elliot hadn't told the twins everything about the baby.

"I thought your dad told you," Olivia sighed. "I'm sorry…"

"He should've told them," Maureen added. "I think he was worried it would just add more stress on top of everything else."

"Yeah…" Olivia nodded. "I can see that…"

"The baby has Down syndrome?" Richard asked. "Is she going to be okay?"

"So far, she looks healthy," Olivia gave a weak smile. "They do an ultrasound every couple of weeks to check her heart…that's their biggest concern right now, but so far they haven't found anything. And she's not too small…she's growing steadily, which was another concern…"

"Are you okay?" Elizabeth asked.

"I'm good," Olivia insisted. "It's hard sometimes, because I can't help but worry about her…"

"What are you worrying about?" Richard asked seriously. "About her heart…"

"That…and about how she'll be when she gets older…if she'll have friends…if people will make fun of her…" she brushed away a few more tears. "I worry about if she'll be able to take care of herself when she grows up…and what will happen to her when your dad and I aren't here anymore…"

"Don't worry about that," Elizabeth said seriously. "We'll take care of her Olivia. If she needs someone, she has all of us…"

"That's sweet of you to say," Olivia squeezed her hand.

"She's our sister," Richard added. "Of course we'd be there for her. Liz is right…that should never be something you have to worry about."

"Your dad was right," she smiled. "He said her brothers and sisters wouldn't let her down. He knew how much you'd love her."

"He said that?" Richard asked.

Olivia nodded, "Yeah…he knows he hasn't always been the best father…but he couldn't be more proud of all of you. He knows he's lucky." She stood up, "I need to get back to bed," she sighed. "I want to check on Noah one more time anyway…"

"Olivia…you know we love Noah too, right?" Maureen added. "He can always count on us too…always…"

"I know that," she nodded, walking out the door. "Goodnight…" She walked down the hall, stopping once more to check on her sleeping son and Elliot's granddaughter. If she married him, Kate would be her granddaughter too…and she couldn't help but feel amused at the idea of having a little granddaughter who was slightly older than her own babies. A year ago she'd been sitting in a therapist's office trying to recover from the most horrific thing she'd ever gone through, not knowing if she'd ever really and truly feel like a whole person again…and now here she was with the family she never thought she'd have and it felt like a dream. She was afraid she'd wake up and it would all be gone.

She walked back to Elliot's room, climbing into bed and trying to pry the blankets away from him, but he wouldn't release his grasp on them. "El…" she tapped him and he mumbled something she couldn't understand. "El…I'm freezing," she said as she pulled at the blankets. He rolled over, barely opening his eyes to look at her and tossing the blankets toward her. "You should stop being such a cheapskate and turn the heat up," she teased. She snuggled down under the blankets, and he pulled her close, wrapping his arms around her, while they both drifted back to sleep.


	52. Chapter 52

**Thanks again for the awesome reviews. Here is a little more...hopefully I will have a longer update tonight ;)**

"Liv, wake up…" Elliot leaned over, kissing her on the cheek. Her eyes fluttered open reluctantly and she yawned, "It's Christmas," he smiled.

"What time is it?" she asked, closing her eyes again.

He looked at the clock on the nightstand, "About five…"

"Five…AM? God El…" she sighed. "No one gets up at five on a holiday for crying out loud. I'm exhausted. Noah woke up three times last night."

"I know it's early…but Eli will be bouncing in here any minute demanding to open his presents," he laughed, "It's Christmas morning…no sleeping in at the Stabler house, trust me."

"I can't move," she sighed, rubbing her hand over her stomach. "The baby and I need at least another hour or two…" She looked at him and the ridiculous grin on his face let her know he wasn't going to let her go back to sleep. "Why are you looking at me like that?" she asked.

"Because…" he smiled. "I love it when you whine…"

"I don't whine," she sat up and smacked him playfully.

"Ah…you moved," he laughed. "Come on…let's go get the kids…"

"You are worse than Eli," she laughed. "He's not even up yet."

"But once he is up, he won't wait," he smiled. "Trust me on this. We need to be raring to go."

She shook her head in defeat, "Alright, I'll go wake up the little ones and get them ready." She sighed, "So for a Stabler Christmas do we all get dressed up…or go down in pajamas?"

"Oh pajamas…definitely," he smiled. "Kids at Christmas in their pjs…it's tradition."

Olivia opened the bedroom door, "What is that smell?" she asked. "Is someone cooking?"

Elliot walked to the door, "Probably Kathy. She likes to do this big Christmas morning breakfast before we open presents." He could tell she didn't look happy, "Does that upset you? I know this was supposed to be _our_ Christmas…"

She shook her head, "No…it's just…I smell eggs…"

"Oh God," he closed the door, trying to keep the aroma of breakfast out of the room. "Please don't get sick…" He put his hand carefully on her stomach, "Come sit down and just try to settle your stomach."

"I think I'm okay," she said. "Really…I think I'm fine."

"You're fine?" he asked.

She nodded, "I haven't thrown up in four days…maybe…it's over?"

"So you're gonna go downstairs and eat the eggs?" he asked.

She cringed, "No…I wouldn't go that far…they still sound disgusting, but I think maybe everyone else can eat them and I'll survive it."

"That's progress," he smiled.

"Yeah," she agreed. "I really hope so this time. Merry Christmas to me." She opened the door again, "I'm going to go get Noah and Kate and meet you downstairs." She walked into Kate's bedroom and both of the little kids were still asleep. She hated to wake them up.

Before she could, Kate opened her groggy eyes, "Livia…I go potty…" she said in her tired voice. So Olivia took her to the bathroom and then brought her back to the bedroom so they could wake and change Noah. Kate was climbing on her, hanging her arms around her neck while Noah lay on the floor and Olivia changed him. Apparently this was going to be her life now. She felt like she was looking at someone else's life instead of her own.

"Are you two ready to go see if Santa came?" She asked as she kissed them and they both giggled.

Maureen came to the door, "Hey, you're up early." She picked up her daughter and kissed her on the cheek.

"Your dad insisted," Olivia stood up and picked up Noah. "He said the Stablers always start Christmas off early."

Maureen laughed, "Yeah…well that's a tradition I could do without." She smiled, "Are you okay? After last night?"

Olivia nodded, "I'm fine. What about Dickie and Lizzie? Are they okay?"

Maureeen nodded, "They seem to be. Come on…everyone else is already downstairs. Dad sent me to come find you."

"Of course he did," Olivia laughed and followed Maureen downstairs.

The entire family was piled around the dining room table, accept for Eli who kept running to the door and peeking into the living room. Olivia sat down next to Elliot, keeping Noah on her lap. The table was covered with every breakfast food imaginable and she looked at Kathy, "This is quite the feast," she noticed.

"I used to do this every Christmas," Kathy smiled. "When the kids were little. I figured why not start it up again? Besides, I have to leave in two hours for the airport so I wanted to do something to be part of the day."

"I looks delicious, Mom," Richard said with a smile. Then everyone began piling their plates with food and passing things around and the clanking of dishes and serving spoons was enough to sound like a busy restaurant kitchen instead of a small family dining room.

"Eli…come sit down and eat," Elliot called to his son. "The sooner you eat your breakfast, the sooner you can go open presents." The little boy reluctantly came to the table and grabbed a piece of bacon. Elliot looked at Olivia, her plate still empty, "Aren't you going to eat?"

"I don't feel very hungry," she said with a tired sigh. She put some scrambled eggs on her plate, looking at them with disgust, "I'll just feed these to Noah…" All the food, the smells, the noise…it was starting to make her feel sick, not like she'd throw up, just like she wanted to crawl back to bed and pull the blankets over her head. She put little pieces of egg on the spoon and fed them to her son, while he ate them happily and reached for more.

"He likes them," Elliot smiled.

"He's never had them before," she looked at the baby, happily eating. "I guess I'll have to get over my aversion to eggs and make them for him once in a while." Everyone was talking and laughing at the table, and Olivia looked from person to person and her head was swimming. She wasn't sure why she was having such a hard time with the big family breakfast, but it wasn't the calm, relaxing Christmas morning she had envisioned, although she should have known not to set any sort of expectations anyway. Nothing ever turned out exactly like she thought it would, and she had accepted that a long time ago.

"Can we open them now…_please_?" Eli pleaded, as he practically bounced out of his chair. "I'm done eating…_please_…"

"Okay, Eli…calm down," Kathy smiled at her youngest son and then looked at everyone else, "Is everybody else ready?"

The room once again filled with noise as chairs screeched back on the floor and utensils clinked against plates and the voices combined into one loud blur of commotion. Richard was teasing Elizabeth about something he'd bought for her for Christmas, Maureen was ticking Kate and the girl was squealing in a high pitched giggle, Kathy and Paul were laughing at Eli who was singing "Jingle Bells" over and over, pulling at them to get out of the room. Olivia stood up, Noah in her arms and she couldn't help but notice that her little boy seemed much more attentive to the chaos around them than he was to her. "Are you okay?" Elliot asked when he put his hand on her back and she startled enough to jump. "Liv…"

"Of course," she forced a smile and looked at him.

"You sure?" he asked, obvious concern on his face. "You've been awfully quiet this morning. Do you feel okay?"

"Dad…are you _coming_?" Eli ran back to the room and impatiently grabbed his father's hand. "There are a gazillion presents in there!"

"I'm fine, El…" Olivia promised. "Let's go open a _gazillion_ presents," she smiled at Eli, and they followed the little boy as he ran back to the living room.


	53. Chapter 53

**A little more the the Guest who said they needed a "fix" today. LOL! Nice to know this story has become an addiction for some. Anyway...it's not much, but I have no plans today so maybe I can post a lot more later. Enjoy this snowy Christmas scene on the 4th of July! Have a great holiday :)**

The living room was a mess and Olivia sat on the sofa staring at it all in disbelief. The perfect Christmas scene with the tree and the presents was destroyed in what felt like mere seconds, and now the older kids were upstairs changing into new jeans and sweaters and boots, eager to use their favorite Christmas gifts. Kathy and Paul had headed to the airport, with a tearful good-bye from Eli, so Elliot was trying to make him feel better by putting together his new race car track. Kate and Noah were content to toddle amongst the wrapping and bows that scattered the floor, and Olivia hadn't moved from her spot on the couch in what felt like hours.

She stood up, walking into the kitchen and finding a garbage bag in the pantry, and then returned to the living room to start cleaning up. She wasn't exactly a neat-freak, but clutter had always bothered her and this was ridiculous. There was no way to relax in this mess. So she bent over, grabbing handfuls of paper and shoving it down in the bag. "You don't have to clean up," Elliot said, looking up from the race track. "Liv, it's Christmas…just relax a little."

"I just want to pick up the mess," she explained. "So you and Eli will have more room to play with the race track.

"Well at least let me help you," he offered. "You shouldn't be doing too much anyway…" He started to stand up.

"_Dad_…" Eli whined. "You said we could finish this."

"I don't need help, El," she insisted. "Finish Eli's race track. Besides…Noah and Kate will help me," she smiled at the two little ones and they were eager to start picking things up and putting them in the trash bag, although Noah was picking up everything including presents and Kate missed the bag almost every time she tried to drop something into it.

The older kids came bounding down the stairs, rushing into the living room. "We're gonna go sledding," Elizabeth said quickly. "Who wants to go?"

"Me!" Eli jumped up from his spot on the floor. "I'm gonna go get dressed. Wait for me."

"I thought you wanted to play with this?" Elliot asked, pointing to the race track.

"I will later," Eli yelled as he ran up the stairs.

"I'm going to go dress Kate and put her snowsuit on her," Maureen grabbed her daughter's hand and looked at Olivia, "Do you want me to get Noah dressed too? I bet he'll love playing in the snow."

"It's awfully cold," Olivia said. "I think I'll just stay in with him."

"Oh come on, Olivia," Richard pleaded. "We won't keep him out long. Besides, it isn't Christmas without playing in the snow."

"I'm really not feeling very well right now," she tried to argue. "I think I'd better stay in and so Noah and I will just finish cleaning up in here."

"If you don't feel well, you should stay in and rest," Elizabeth insisted. "We can watch Noah."

"I don't know…" Olivia protested. "He's still so little…and it's so cold out…"

"I'll watch him," Maureen promised. "I'll make sure he's bundled up and I won't keep him or Kate out very long…and I won't let either one of them near the sleds. You know that. We'll make a snowman or something instead. It'll be okay."

"That's sweet Maureen," Olivia replied. "But it's your holiday. You're not on nanny-duty today. I couldn't ask you to do that."

"I'm not on _nanny_-duty," Maureen agreed with a smile. "I'm on big _sister_ duty," she picked Noah up and carried him up the stairs while Kate walked beside her holding her hand.

Eli ran down the stairs, dressed in his new snow boots and hat and ran toward the door. Elliot grabbed him, making him zip his coat and put on his gloves, and then Richard and Elizabeth grabbed the sleds and followed Eli outside. Elliot walked over to where Olivia was picking up more trash and grabbed the bag from her, shoving down the wrapping paper to make room for more, "Funny how it can get so quiet so fast around here, huh?" he asked with a smile. She nodded, but didn't say anything. "Liv," he asked. "Are you sure you're okay? Are you not having a good Christmas? You seem so quiet…"

"I'm having a good Christmas," she gave a weak smile. "I'm just really tired. I didn't sleep well last night and I woke up too early." She put the last of the paper in the bag, noticing the room was still a mess with opened gifts scattered around and not having the energy to tackle that mess as well.

He pulled her close, rubbing her back and kissing her softly, "I'm sorry if this was too much for you," he whispered. "I know it probably wasn't the Christmas you expected…especially with Kathy here."

"Kathy was fine," Olivia insisted. "I just…I don't feel so great right now. Maybe the whole morning sickness thing isn't over after all." She felt bad for lying to him, but she couldn't think of a better excuse to get out of the conversation.

"Do you need to sit down?" he asked. "I can get you some tea…or I think there's gingerale in the fridge. You should have told me you were sick."

"I just want to lay down," she sighed. "Do you mind if I go back upstairs and sleep this off…just for a while?"

He held her close, "Of course not…do you want me to go with you?"

She shook her head, "No…just have fun with the kids…and don't let Noah stay out too long, okay?" He nodded and Maureen came downstairs with Noah and Kate bundled in their snowsuits. Olivia looked at her son and smiled, "Have fun sweetie," he hugged him and watched as he went out the door with Maureen. The she walked up to Elliot's room and closed the door, falling down on the bed and closing her eyes.

She could hear the kids in the backyard, yelling and laughing. They were obviously having fun. So she opened her eyes and stood up from the bed, walking to the window that looked down on to the backyard. Richard was pulling Eli on the sled while the little boy yelled happily and Maureen and Elizabeth were helping Noah and Kate build a snowman. Olivia laughed when she watched her son try to walk in the deep snow, falling over with every other step and giggling when he'd land in the soft snow. She had taken him out in the snow one other time, earlier in the month when there was much less snow on the ground and he'd been mesmerized by it…touching it and patting it with his little hands, trying to put it in his mouth and squealing when it would touch his skin. It was another first, something she'd never forget, but it wasn't like there was room to actually play in the snow in the city. He'd only been outside for a few minutes on the way to the grocery store and she hadn't bothered to try to find a place where he could actually play in the snow. She'd been worried it would be too cold and he'd get sick, but watching now, she wondered if she was too overprotective. He was having so much fun and all she could do was smile and wish she was the one playing with him and making him so happy, but she couldn't face going out there now. She wasn't sure why she was having such a hard time adjusting to this big happy family, but she was and being with them was only going to make them notice her solemn mood. She didn't want to do that to them. They deserved to be happy even if she wasn't.

She walked back to the bed, laying across it and pulling the covers up over her. It was still cold in the room and the warmth of the big blankets made her feel more cozy and comfortable than she had all day. She sighed, realizing it was the first time all day that she had actually been all alone, then she rolled over on her stomach, forgetting that her usual sleep position wasn't comfortable anymore and remembered that she wasn't truly alone. She rolled on her back, her hands on the swell of her stomach and sighed, "It's just you and me for a while kiddo," she gave in to an exhausted yawn. She remembered Lizzie asking the night before if she could feel the baby kick, and for a brief second she thought that if the baby would finally move, she'd be so happy she could get out of her funk. She waited, willing it to happen, but it didn't. So she rolled over on her side and went to sleep.


	54. Chapter 54

**So I am up at 3AM posting fanfiction...I'm not sure why. Anyway...thanks again for the reviews. They are much appreciated as always.**

She hadn't had nightmares in a long time. They used to happened every single time she closed her eyes and sometimes even when she was awake, but with time and therapy Olivia was proud of the fact that she could fall asleep without the constant fear that she'd wake up in terror, fearing a dream so life-like that she felt she was reliving the worst moments of her life over and over again. Maybe it was because she wasn't expecting it that the dream was able to overtake her whole body in such a frightening way that she couldn't seem to awaken from it…like it was engulfing her and suffocating her as she gasped for breath.

_He was on top of her…she wanted to fight him, trying to think of anything she could do to throw him off, but all of her training seemed locked away in some corner of her mind that she couldn't access anymore. She couldn't move her arms…clasped above her head with her own handcuffs…or her legs that were bound together by something, rope or wire…something that cut and burned when she tried to move her ankles, and tape around her knees to force the bones to rub painfully into one another. He pulled her hair, using it to hold her head back so she looked straight into his cold, evil eyes and he yanked the tape off her mouth so quickly that she was sure her skin had come off with it. She wanted to scream, but no one could hear her. He was the only one there…and no one was coming to save her this time. He shoved some pills down her throat and she choked on them, retching until he yanked her head up and shoved them back down making her gag on his fingers. Then he opened the vodka and poured it down her throat. She didn't want to swallow it, but she felt like she was drowning as it stung her throat and she had no choice. Then he tortured her, touched her, carved and burned his marks into her skin until she passed out and when she woke up it would start all over again…and no matter what he did or how he maimed her body, it was the vodka bottle that seemed to mock her…_

_"I'll never let anyone else have you…" her mother picked up the jagged vodka bottle from the floor where she had dropped it. "No one else wants you anyway…" Olivia ran from her, but it was only a matter of time before the sharp edge of the bottle was against her throat. She was going to die, and not because she'd told her mother she wanted to get married at sixteen, but because she'd made her drop the last of her precious booze on the floor. "Bitch…no one is going to save you…" she heard her mother yell and for the first time Olivia felt such intense fear and rage that she was sure she had to kill her mother before she let the woman kill her. She couldn't stop herself, as she kicked her mother so hard that she stumbled back and then kicked her once more so she flew across the room and banged her head on the wall, falling to the ground. Then Olivia stood there, watching her for a minute…trying to decide what to do…give the one final blow that would put an end to her pain and suffering or run out the door and ask for help? In the end, she couldn't watch her mother die…so she ran out the door._

_She had overpowered him…cuffed him to the bed where he had taken so much pleasure in the task of inflicting pain not only on her body but her soul. And now he continued to torment her, daring her to shoot him and taunting her by saying she wasn't strong enough to do it. She put down her gun, refusing to give in to what he wanted. He wanted to die…to go out in one final quick moment where he was in control and made her do what he wanted. He'd forced her to beg for her life, to do things she'd never thought she'd do just to stay alive…and he wasn't going out on his own terms. She was going to make sure of that. He didn't know who he was messing with. She picked up the metal bar and pounded it into his flesh while his blood oozed all around her and she hit him over and over, harder and harder, and she couldn't stop herself this time. No one was coming to save her… _

"Olivia…" she jumped at the sound of the voice, gasping for air and screaming out in pain before she realized the agony she felt had been in her dreams. "I'm sorry…I was in the hall…" Richard's eyes were terrified as he stared at her sweaty, shaking body. "You were screaming…is something wrong? Should I go get Dad?"

"Dickie…" she could barely hear her own voice as she looked around the room trying to remember where she was. "I had a nightmare…" her voice shook and she felt her stomach churning, sickened by the horrific memories her subconscious chose to disguise as a dream. She wasn't sure she could move, her body weak and shaking from the ordeal, but she managed to pull herself up from the bed and made her way past Elliot's oldest son and into the hallway bathroom in time to heave violently into the toilet.

"Dad!" Richard yelled fearfully down the stairs. "Dad…Olivia's sick…something's wrong... Dad!" he yelled again as Elliot came running up the stairs.

"What's wrong with her?" Elliot asked, seeing the panic on his son's face.

"I came up here to change after we came in from sledding and she was screaming…really loud…" he said nervously. "I opened the door to check on her, and she started shaking and then she just started throwing up…" he pointed toward the bathroom door.

Elliot pushed open the bathroom door, frightened when he saw Olivia collapsed in a huddle on the floor. "Liv…" he knelt down to her and he realized she was crying…a silent, painful cry like he had never seen before. "Liv…what's wrong? Is it the baby?" He was scared to death as he put his arms around her, "Do you need to see a doctor?"

"It's not the baby," she managed to say through her sobs.

"Then what is it?" he asked. "Let me help you…"

"You can't help me…" she cried. "No one can." She tried to stand up from the floor, but her legs gave out from under her and she fell back in his arms.

"God Liv," he said, his voice filled with fear. He picked her up and carried her to the bedroom, laying her carefully on the bed. "Tell me what's going on. Dickie said you were screaming. Are you hurt?"

"I had a nightmare," she curled up on the bed, pulling the covers up under her chin. "Tell Dickie I'm sorry I scared him."

"Olivia…what the hell is going on?" Elliot asked. "This was more than a nightmare…"

"It hasn't happened in so long…" she cried. "I really thought…I thought I was getting better…"

He put his hand on her shoulder, rubbing it gently. "Do you need to talk to someone…someone besides me?" he asked.

"You mean do we need to make a 911 call to my therapist?" she snapped without meaning to. "It's Christmas Day, Elliot. I'm sure he has better things to do."

"Then talk to me," he said gently. "Please…I've never seen you like this…never…"

"That's because you missed out on a lot when you were hiding out here in Queens and ignoring me for three years," she heard the words come out of her mouth and she regretted them, but she couldn't stop the anger from spewing out.

"Then tell me…" he knew she was scared and taking it out on him, but he also knew reacting to her anger wasn't going to help matters. He wanted her to be okay, and he didn't know how to help her…and that scared him more than anything. "What happened in your dream?"

"You don't want to know," she said seriously.

He brushed the hair away from her face, "Yes…I do…" he said.

She didn't say anything for a long time and he was about to give up when her voice broke through the silence, small and weak, and he realized he didn't even recognize it. She sounded so different…so broken…so hurt. "Lewis…and my mom…they were both there, and I kind of went back and forth between the two of them…"

"What were they doing?" Elliot asked, admittedly scared of the answer. He knew some things about her mom and he knew some things about Lewis…but he knew he didn't know everything she had endured from either one of them and he wasn't sure he'd ever find out. He wasn't sure he wanted to.

"They both wanted to kill me…" she cried. "So I had to kill them first…"

"Liv, you didn't kill your mom…and you didn't kill Lewis," he reminded her. "It was just a dream."

"I tried to…" she admitted. "No one was there to save me…I had to save myself…"

"Honey…you were dreaming," he said again.

"Are you not listening to me?" she asked. "When I was sixteen years old, I nearly killed my own mother Elliot. And I tried to kill Lewis. And now…my mind won't let me forget it. It just replays over and over again. Something is wrong with me. My father was a horrible, violent person…and I'm a horrible, violent person…"

"Liv, you know that isn't true," he sighed.

"There is something wrong with me," she insisted again. "I can't even be happy on Christmas…the first time I've ever had the chance to share it with a family of my own…and I can't be happy. I just want to curl up and hide. It's too hard." She cried.

"There is nothing wrong with you," Elliot squeezed her shoulder. "You've been through a lot, Liv. Things that no one should ever have to go through. And you did what you had to in order to survive it…"

"It's been so long since I've had this dream," she said again. "Why now? God, if Dickie hadn't woken me up…the next part would've been Lewis forcing me to hold that gun to my head and pull the trigger…" she began to gasp for air. "El…I can't go back there again…every time I just know I'm dying…"

"Slow down and breathe…" he knew she was being sarcastic about making a 911 call to her therapist, but he was wondering if he should call 911 anyway. He'd never seen her like this, and he was afraid she wasn't going to come out of this on her own. He knew she'd been diagnosed with PTSD, and he wasn't sure if this flashback dream was triggered by the stress of the holiday or if it would've happened regardless, but he knew she was sick and he was worried it could be affecting the baby too. "Liv…you're safe now. You're not back there with Lewis and you're not in that dream. You're here…with me," he held her and she clung to him and cried.

"I'm sorry…" her voice was soft, but he was relieved that it sounded more like her and less like a wounded animal.

"Liv…you don't have to be sorry," he stroked her cheek, "But what caused this? You said you've had this dream before…but you haven't had it in a long time…so why do you think it happened now?"

She shrugged, "I feel like I'm failing…" she admitted. "I missed most of Christmas Eve because I was at work and it was Noah's first one with me…It was our first Christmas together and while I was whining about wanting to sleep later, your ex-wife was downstairs making you a feast fit for a king…I've wanted a family for as long as I can remember, and yet all the noise and chaos seems to stress me out to no end…Lizzie asked me if the baby is kicking and I had to tell her I can't feel my own child moving inside of me…I'm failing at life, Elliot…" she looked seriously into his eyes. "That's why the dream came back. I've ruined everything…I've ruined my own happiness…and no one is going to save me from myself."

"Liv…" he didn't know what to say. It broke his heart to know she was in so much pain, that she was emotionally broken in ways he never imagined possible…and yet he loved her so much that all he wanted was to make things right for her. "You are not failing…" he promised. "Noah loves you, and he was so excited when you came home last night. And I would have much rather had a cozy morning in bed with you than eating Kathy's breakfast. And I love my family, but we would overwhelm pretty much anyone who wasn't used to us. And the baby just isn't kicking yet…it has nothing to do with you." He moved his hand to her stomach, rubbing gently. "And that dream…it's a horrific reminder of what happened to you…and you didn't deserve that…and you don't deserve to be reminded of it over and over again…but when it happens, I want you to know that I will be here. You're not alone. I wish I had been there to save you, Liv…but you didn't need me because you saved yourself. You are the strongest person I know…and someone as strong as you, can't possibly fail."

She closed her eyes and he wondered if she was going to say anything. He was content to hold her while she sat in silence if that was what she needed him to do. But then she looked up at him and nodded, "I love you…" she whispered. "And I'm sorry for ruining Christmas."

"Christmas isn't over," he reminded her. He leaned over and kissed her softly. "But if you don't feel like doing something, it's okay. You don't have to join in on all the Stabler family activities, Liv. It doesn't mean you're not part of the family…it just means you need some time to yourself. We all understand that."

"Really?" she asked.

He nodded, "Yes. Believe me…we all need time away from one another once in a while." He smiled, "Are you going to be okay? Do you need anything…anything at all?"

She shook her head, "I think I need to apologize to Dickie. I scared him half to death."

"Do you want to come downstairs and watch _Miracle on 34__th__ Street?"_ he asked. "We can cuddle on the couch and the older kids can work on Christmas dinner and the little ones can play with their new toys…"

"Can we watch _It's a Wonderful Life_ instead?" she asked. "I used to watch it with my mom every year…I'm not sure I've really watched it since she died."

"_It's a Wonderful Life_ it is," he smiled and kissed her on the cheek. "New Stabler family tradition in honor of our newest members." He patted her stomach lightly and winked at her playfully.

She laughed a little, "Thanks, El." He nodded knowingly and helped her off the bed, not sure if she had regained her strength yet. He put his hand on her back, relieved to know she was walking steadily again and they headed downstairs. Richard was at the bottom of the stairs when they came down, his face still white and plastered with fear. Olivia reached out and hugged him, "Thanks for taking care of me," she said sincerely. "You did the right thing…getting your dad. I appreciate it…more than you know."

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"I'm alright now," she answered. "But if you hadn't come in when you did…" she stopped. "I just wanted to say thank you."

"Do you want to watch _It's a Wonderful Life_ with us?" Elliot asked.

"Okay," Richard answered. "I'll get Liz and Maureen. They're putting the ham in the oven." He walked into the kitchen.

Elliot and Olivia went into the living room where Eli was spinning cars across his race track. Noah was handing him the cars, at least the ones he wasn't putting in his mouth and Kate was grabbing them when they spun off the track and onto the floor. "That's what I call teamwork," Elliot teased as he stuck the DVD in the player and clicked on the TV.

"That's what I call a family," Olivia whispered as she sat down. Elliot sat next to her on the couch and she curled up next to him while the movie started. The older kids came in, sitting themselves in various places around the room. Olivia looked around at everyone and for the first time in days she felt okay about things. She wasn't an outsider looking in at the happy family…she was a part of it. Maybe being a part of the family didn't always feel the way she thought is should, but right now, it felt nice…and she was content with that.


	55. Chapter 55

**Thanks again for the reviews. Much appreciated! I am finally finishing up Christmas...enjoy!**

Standing in front of Elliot's dresser, Olivia looked at herself in the old chipped mirror. Apparently in the Stabler house they dressed up a little for Christmas dinner and once they'd finished their movie everyone had gone to their rooms to get dressed. Elliot had already put on his dress slacks and tie and had volunteered to dress Noah in his new little sweater vest that Olivia had bought to take pictures that she'd never had time to do. She thought it was kind of ridiculous to dress her son up in an adorable outfit for dinner, since he'd probably just make a mess, but she didn't want to argue with tradition. They'd already changed their holiday movie for her so she didn't want to push her luck.

She turned to the side, looking at her profile in the mirror and running her hand over the swell of her stomach. She really wasn't all that big yet, even though she kept saying she felt huge, but since none of her clothes fit she was glad Elliot had bought her a maternity outfit for Christmas. She wasn't sure what he'd get her and she'd had trouble deciding on something for him as well, finally choosing a wallet since she'd heard him complaining that his was falling apart. She couldn't help but notice he had tossed it aside with all the other Christmas gifts, and she wondered if he would have rather had something else. She picked up the black leggings and slipped them on and then pulled the deep purple tunic over her head. She smoothed out the fabric, noticing that the loose fit did a good job of camouflaging her pregnancy, but when she looked in the mirror she didn't like how it clung to her chest and that it was more low-cut than anything she could wear now. She'd never cared much before about showing her cleavage and she'd used it to her advantage at times as well, but now all she wanted to do was cover herself up.

She ran her fingers over the scars, looking at each one and contemplating why she hadn't had the plastic surgery when they'd offered it to her. She hadn't wanted to spend even one more second in the hospital and she'd convinced herself she could live with scars no one would ever see, but now she wondered what Elliot thought when they were making love and if he was disgusted to look at her. He'd never said a word about them…not once…but that was just his way of protecting her and she knew it.

There was a quick knock at the door and before she could respond Maureen pushed it open, "Olivia…Dad wants to know if you're ready yet?" She noticed Olivia's fingers, stroking the scars and she gasped instinctively. "I'm sorry…I shouldn't have just walked in…"

"It's okay," Olivia forced a smile. She knew she couldn't hide her body forever no matter how hard she tried. "Just let me find something else to wear and I'll be down."

"I think you look pretty," Maureen said seriously. "Dad really wanted to get you that. He took me with him," she laughed, "And he was determined to get you something purple and a little sexy. He says purple is your best color."

"Well there is nothing sexy about this," Olivia sighed. "And I like purple, but I can't wear this…"

"You could put a tank top under it," Maureen suggested.

Olivia shrugged, "I could…if I had brought one with me. I'll just wear something else."

"I have one you can borrow," Maureen offered. "It's comfy…I used to wear it when I was pregnant with Kate." She ran out of the room and returned with it a few minutes later. "This'll work. I know it will."

Olivia took it from her and turned her back to her, not wanting her to see any more than she had already. She pulled off the shirt and pulled on the tank top. Maureen was right, it was comfortable and it came up high enough to cover her scars. When she pulled the silky tunic back down over it, it looked much better and she was grateful she didn't have to try to squeeze into something else. "Thanks," she smiled. Then she brushed her fingers through her hair, swiped some blush across her cheeks, and sprayed a light mist of perfume behind her ears.

"Olivia…" Maureen said softly. "I'm really glad you and Dad are together. I want you to know that. He's been so happy lately…I wasn't sure he was ever going to be happy again." She knew she was about to get extremely personal, but she felt like it needed to be said. "The scars don't bother him…he loves you."

Olivia looked at her and nodded, "I know…" she smiled weakly. "Let's go eat dinner."

Everyone was seated around the table and it was much quieter than breakfast. Olivia took her place next to Elliot and reached for Noah who was sitting on Elizabeth's lap. "No, I'll hold him," Elizabeth offered. "I just love spending time with him." She smiled.

"Are you sure?" Olivia asked. "He's going to make a mess. I don't want him to ruin your dress."

"It's fine, Olivia," she assured her. "Really."

Before she could reply, everyone grabbed the hand of the person next to them and Elliot said a prayer and she wasn't sure why but she was surprised. She shouldn't have been. She knew his faith had always been important to him, but she didn't consider herself religious in any way and she suddenly became aware of the fact that this was something she needed to become accustomed to. When the prayer ended, Elliot looked at her and smiled, "The kids worked hard on this meal. They each made one dish. We started that a couple of years ago." He laughed. "Because when they do all the work, I don't have to do any."

She laughed, "Well it all looks delicious." She realized she had done little more than pick at food all day and she was starving. The glazed ham, crisp green beans, and cheesy potato casserole looked heavenly as she piled them on her plate.

"I made the rolls," Eli grinned. "All by myself."

"You opened the bag and put them on the cookie sheet," Elizabeth teased.

"I'm sure they're delicious, Eli," Olivia grabbed one and took a bite. "Amazing rolls," she winked at him and he smiled. She tasted the ham and green beans, "Everything is delicious. You all did a great job." Then she took a bite of the potatoes and looked around the table, "Who made _these_?" she asked as she took another bite, "Oh my…this is the best thing I've eaten in…I don't even know how long. I'm going to be craving these _forever_…" She took another bite, savoring the flavor. "I have to know how to make these or the cravings will drive me nuts."

"Yes!" Richard cheered. "I win! Our baby sister likes _my_ potatoes the best," he joked. Everyone looked at him, "What?" he asked.

"What are you talking about? We don't have a baby sister," Eli looked confused and Richard realized what he'd done.

Richard looked at his dad and Olivia, "I'm sorry…" he whispered.

"Eli…" Elliot looked at the seven year old and tried to find the right words. "Uhm…you see…Olivia is actually going to have a baby and it's a little girl…"

"Cool," he said, taking a bite of his food. "But that doesn't mean we have a baby sister."

"Well, it does…" Elliot tried to explain, "Because Olivia is her mommy and _I'm_ her daddy. So she's your little sister."

"Oh…" Eli seemed to be thinking the situation over. "When is she going to be here?"

"It's gonna be awhile," Elliot told him. "In June, right before you get out of school for summer."

Eli looked at Olivia, "My friend Sam's mom had a baby a couple of weeks ago. Her stomach was really big. You don't look like you're gonna have a baby."

Olivia smiled, "She hasn't grown a lot yet," she explained. "But she will…and my stomach will get really big too…especially if she makes me crave Richard's potatoes for the next few months," she laughed.

Eli looked seriously at her, "So, does that mean she _doesn't _like my rolls? I worked really hard on them…"

Olivia smiled, "She loves them too, Eli," she picked up her roll and took a bite. "Trust me…she likes food."

"Dad?" Eli asked. "Does this mean Noah is my little brother too?" he asked.

Elliot looked at Olivia and then at Noah who was sitting in Elizabeth's lap and he nodded, "Yeah…he's your little brother."

Eli grinned, "Good…cause I'd much rather have a brother than a sister anyway." Then he went back to his food as if nothing had changed.

That night, Olivia climbed into bed and Elliot smiled at her, "Is Noah finally asleep?" he asked.

She nodded, "Yeah…he's really having a hard time sleeping in a strange place. I hope he doesn't wake up a lot tonight. I'm so tired…"

"If he does, I can go get him," Elliot offered. "If I don't hear him, just wake me up."

"That's sweet of you," she leaned over and kissed him, "But I feel like he needs me."

"Liv…he wants you, but he's fine with me too," he smiled. "You know that. You need to sleep."

"I don't know if I can," she admitted, thinking back to her nightmare earlier in the day. "It's hard after I have one of those dreams."

He put his arms around her, holding her close, "I'm right here," he promised. "And if you're scared…I'll help you any way I can."

She leaned into him, "Just talk to me," she sighed. "Until I fall asleep."

"Okay," he whispered, placing his hand on her stomach. "What do you think we should name the baby?"

She looked at him and smiled, "I don't know…what do you think?"

He shrugged, "I'm not sure…something that goes well with Stabler…"

"Benson-Stabler," Olivia yawned. "I want my last name to be part of hers…"

"Well…what if your last name was Stabler too?" Elliot asked as he reached into the nightstand drawer and pulled out a small black box.

Olivia sat up, staring at him, "El…" she sputtered as he opened the box and a diamond ring sparkled inside.

"Olivia…will you marry me?" he asked and she stared at him, not saying anything. "I know we've talked about it…but I wanted to make it official…and I thought maybe you'd like this Christmas gift better than maternity clothes," he smiled.

She laughed, "I bought you a wallet."

"I love the wallet," he smiled, "But say 'yes' and that would be the best gift you could give me today."

"Yes," she leaned in and kissed him and he put the ring carefully on her finger. It was a little tight and she sighed, "I think my fingers are a little swollen tonight," but she forced it on and looked at her hand. "This is beautiful…"

"I hoped you'd like it," he took her hand in his and admired how the ring looked on her finger. "But if it's too tight right now, you can put it on your necklace," he smiled at the pendant she was wearing around her neck.

"I'm going to leave it on for now," she said. "But when the swelling starts to get worse, I may have to do that."

"We don't have to get married right away," he said. "Unless you want to…I just wanted you to know that you are one of the Stabler clan now, Liv."

She lay her head on his chest, rubbing her fingers up and down his arm, "I'm glad. I've never met a clan I wanted to be part of more than this one," she smiled. "But…I think I might keep my last name…it's who I am and I don't know if I can just change that now…"

He nodded, "That's up to you," he bent his face down to hers, kissing her deeply, almost out of breath as he pulled away from her lips. "What do you say we celebrate our engagement?" he teased. "If you're not too tired."

"Your kids are down the hall," she reminded him.

"The door has a lock," he laughed. He stood up to lock the door and he heard the familiar cries down the hall, closing his eyes in defeat. "Noah's awake…" he sighed.

"I'm sorry," Olivia sighed. "I'll go try to get him back to sleep…"

"I'll go get him," Elliot opened the door. "I think we should just keep him in here with us…otherwise you won't get any sleep tonight."

"Are you sure?" she asked. "I don't want to ruin our engagement night."

He smiled, "Our son is more important," he said gently. He walked out the door and she leaned back in bed, tears stinging her eyes as she thought about his words; _our son is more important_… He walked in the room, Noah cradled in his arms and put the little boy in bed between them. "It's okay buddy," he patted the crying baby. "Go to sleep now." It took a while, but finally Noah's cries had stopped and his chest rose and fell with deep sleep. "Do you want me to put him back in Kate's room?" Elliot whispered, careful not to wake him up. "Then we can resume our celebration…" but when he leaned over to look at Olivia he realized she was sound asleep too. Her nose had been stuffy lately, and she started to snore with each breath, and he laughed knowing she'd be irritated if she knew, but he thought it was cute. He just hoped her snoring wouldn't wake up Noah. He reached over, turning off the lamp and smiled, "Good night," he whispered.


	56. Chapter 56

**Thanks again for the reviews! It means a lot that people take the time to share their thoughts on my story. I appreciate everyone for taking the time to read. I am glad everyone was happy with that last chapter. Here is some more...**

The day after Christmas, Olivia was determined to hit the mall for the after-holiday sales. Shopping had always been her one weakness and she laughed remembering how Elliot used to tease her about her designer purses and shoes that she spent a fortune on and then never had an occasion to wear, most of which were still cluttering her closet. She wasn't going that route this time. She wanted simple maternity clothes that she could wear for the next few months and then get rid of. She knew she'd never be pregnant again, so it didn't make sense to spend a lot. And after breakfast, which was nothing like the affair of Christmas Day, she grabbed her future step-daughters and piled in the car headed toward the mall they swore was the best one in Queens.

"I'm glad Dad decided to watch Noah and Kate," Maureen smiled. "Shopping with those two would have been a mess."

Olivia laughed, "Tell me about it. I can't even get through the grocery store with Noah sometimes." She turned the wheel, glancing at her hand and her diamond engagement ring. Elliot had announced to everyone at breakfast that they were engaged, and they all seemed happy about it, even though Eli kept pushing them to tell him when they were getting married and Richard had made a comment about how they should hurry before Olivia was 'so big' that everyone knew why they were getting married. Elliot had been sure to tell him, and everyone else within earshot that he was marrying Olivia because he loved her and not because she was pregnant, but in her heart she really did question it herself. She didn't doubt that he loved her, but she also was smart enough to recognize the baby had pushed their relationship forward much faster than either of them had expected.

"Turn up here," Elizabeth pointed toward one of the mall entrances and Olivia pulled the car in. It was packed, and they drove around forever looking for a parking space before settling on one far away from the door.

They walked through the mall, looking at all the sales and Elizabeth bought a few things for herself and a necklace for her college roommate saying they had agreed to exchange gifts after the holiday break. Maureen chose a few outfits for Kate, marked down to less than half price and she pulled a newborn-size, pink, lacy dress from the rack and held it out to Olivia, "You should get this," she suggested. "For the baby…it's so cute."

Olivia looked at the little dress and smiled. It was adorable, and for a brief second she could picture dressing her baby girl in it, but then she stopped herself. She hadn't bought one thing for the baby yet, and she knew it seemed wrong, but she didn't want to. She was scared, afraid to prepare for this baby and then have everything fall apart. Even at sixteen weeks, she was afraid something bad could happen and she'd lose the baby, or she'd be born too early and not survive, or her heart would be damaged beyond repair, and Olivia knew she couldn't face going home empty handed to an apartment filled with tiny pink baby clothes. She should have talked to Elliot about it before now, but she hadn't and he hadn't mentioned wanting to buy things for the baby either, so she assumed he was feeling the same way. "It's cute…" she said. "But I don't think it's the right time to buy baby things."

"Why not?" Elizabeth asked. "She's going to need clothes…and it's precious. Besides, this is a Stabler girls shopping trip, and she is a Stabler girl." She smiled.

Olivia looked at her, and knew she couldn't explain how she was feeling without worrying and upsetting her. "Alright," she took the dress from Maureen and ran her finger along the lacy trim. "It is really pretty…"

A couple of hours later they were loaded down with shopping bags, despite the fact that Olivia had been frustrated by all the maternity clothes. They were either too big because she wasn't showing enough yet, or too small because she was taller than average, or they looked like they were designed for a pregnant high-schooler. She went through rack after rack of clothes, trying on more things than she could count, before finally settling on a few things that she'd decided would work. Mostly they were things she could wear to work, but Maureen had convinced her to buy some decent maternity jeans, claiming she'd be glad she did, and when the two sisters went to the bookstore to pick up a book Elizabeth needed for school, Olivia had stayed in the maternity store, looking at the lacy negligees and nighties, trying to find something that would be a little more appealing to Elliot than the yoga gear she was wearing to bed now…something to ignite the much-needed spark that her son's cries seemed to snuff out every single night. She finally chose one, black with red lace trim, and even though she knew it would leave her scarred chest exposed, she decided that it was something she needed to work through. It wasn't like Elliot had never seen the scars, and it didn't seem to lessen his desire for her, so it was something she had to come to terms with in her own way and now was as good a time as any to face it. After she bought it, she hid it under her other clothes so Maureen and Elizabeth wouldn't see it. She didn't feel comfortable shopping for lingerie with Elliot's daughters.

"I'm exhausted," she said when the girls exited the book store and found her sitting on a bench outside the store. "I think I'm done with shopping for the day…"

"Really?" Elizabeth asked. "We've only hit half the stores." She sat next to her, putting her hand on her stomach, "Little one is wearing you out, huh?"

Olivia nodded, "Always…I've never been so tired in my life." She sighed, "And I have to go to the bathroom again…and I'm hungry…"

"Sounds about right," Maureen laughed.

They walked in the door and it was quiet…unusually quiet for the Stabler house. Elliot walked in from the kitchen, kissing her softly, "Kate and Noah are taking a nap," he explained. "And Dickie took Eli to the movies."

"That explains the peace and quiet," Olivia smiled.

The girls took their bags upstairs and Elliot looked surprised that Olivia didn't have any bags with her, "You didn't buy anything?" he asked. "Shopaholic like you…"

"My bags are in the car," she explained, sitting on the couch and putting her feet up on the coffee table. "My feet are killing me," she sighed. "I think they're starting to swell…"

"Is that my cue to go bring your bags in myself?" Elliot teased, but he was surprised when she shook her head.

"No…" she sighed. "Just leave them. I'm going home tonight anyway."

"What do you mean?" Elliot asked, confused. "I told you…Dickie and Lizzie are going to be here until New Year's Eve and I have Eli until New Year's Day, Liv. I can't just up and go back to Manhattan…"

"I didn't ask you to," she replied. "I said I was going home tonight. I didn't say you had to come with me."

"I thought you were staying here," he admitted. "Especially now…"

"El…I can't stay in Queens for a week. I have to go back to work tomorrow," she explained. "And besides, I miss my bed…Noah's cranky here…"

"You haven't really given it a chance, Liv," he insisted. "If you give it some time, I know you'll both like it here…and the commute to work isn't bad. I drove it for years…"

She looked at him and realized for the first time that he expected her to stay…as if the ring on her finger that made her part of the Stabler family also tied her to that house and the life he'd built there. She didn't know what to say, because as much as she loved him, she couldn't stay there forever, "El…we never talked about me staying here."

"We're engaged," he said. "You didn't think that meant I wanted you here with me?"

"Elliot…" she exhaled slowly, trying to think of the right thing to say. "I came here for Christmas…not forever…"

"So what the hell do you think I'm supposed to do," he asked, his voice angry and hurt. "I've been staying with you in the city as much as I can…driving back for work…"

"I didn't ask you to," she felt defensive. "You wanted to…"

"Because I wanted to take care of you and the baby," he reminded her. "But we can't spend our lives driving back and forth, Liv. We are supposed to be engaged, remember? You said you wanted me to adopt Noah with you. That's a serious commitment and I want us to be together."

"I want that to," she admitted. "But I really need my apartment Elliot. I just…I can't get comfortable here…"

"Liv, your apartment isn't big enough anyway. Noah's room is tiny and you're crazy if you think we can fit another baby in there too. And what about my other kids?" he stood up, rubbing the back of his neck in frustration. "I'm not moving some place where there isn't room for _my_ kids."

"I don't know what we're going to do," she sighed. "But we don't have to do anything right now. I just want to go home so I can relax a little and get Noah back in his routine," she said. "You can stay here this week. I don't need you to come with me."

"You don't need me?" he shook his head, "But you need that damn apartment."

"It's my home, Elliot!" she yelled.

"Yeah…the home you bought with Cassidy," he kicked one of Eli's toy trucks across the floor, smashing it against the wall. "Do whatever the hell you want!" he stormed off as she stared at him in disbelief.

That night, after she'd put Noah to bed in his own crib, she looked at the shopping bags scattered across her bed. She pulled out the clothes, placing them on hangers and putting them away in her closet. She pulled out the black nightgown she'd bought in the hopes of creating a romantic evening with Elliot, and tossed it in a dresser drawer. She was picking up the bags, ready to throw them out when she realized there was still something in the bottom of one of them. She reached in and pulled out the tiny, pink dress she'd bought for the baby. She sat on the bed, staring at it, running her fingers over the lace and embroidery. Then she put it to her face, touching her skin with the delicate fabric and smelling it…almost as if she expected it to have that new baby smell. Then she let herself cry, long and hard, longer and harder than she'd cried in quite a while. She couldn't stop thinking about Elliot, storming out of the room and screaming _Do whatever the hell you want_…and he'd given her the cold shoulder the rest of the afternoon until she'd finally had enough, telling the kids she had to get back home for work, and bucking her son in his car seat, heading for home. She took a deep breath, wiping away her tears, and folded the tiny dress carefully, putting it back in the bag. Then she tossed the bag in the back of her closet.

She lay on the bed, running her hand over her stomach and trying not to think about anything. She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath, trying to relax enough to fall asleep…and then she opened them, gasping when she felt the tiny flutter deep inside her. She wasn't sure at first, but then she felt it again and she knew it was the baby. "Oh my God…" she sputtered, laughing and crying at the same time, unable to control her emotions. She picked up her phone, listening while it rang on the other end.

"Liv?" Elliot's voice sounded more worried than angry. "Is something wrong?"

"El…the baby…" she suddenly couldn't get the words out.

"What's wrong?" he asked nervously.

"Nothing…" she cried. "I felt her move…"

He didn't say anything for a while, and she wondered if he was still so angry that he didn't even want to talk to her about their baby. Then he spoke, his voice calm and gentle, "I'm glad," he said. "I wish I was there…" And she knew that even though the flutters were too soft for him to feel, that he'd have given anything to be there for her the very first time she felt their daughter move.

"El…I'm sorry…" she said sadly.

"Me too," he sighed. "We'll figure this out…"

"Yeah," she agreed.

"Goodnight Liv," she could hear him exhale into the phone. "Sleep well…"

"You too," she whispered. "I love you…"

"I love you too," he added. "Don't let the little one keep you up all night."

She hung up the phone, putting her hand back on her stomach and wishing the baby would move again, but she didn't. "Goodnight baby girl," she whispered. Then she closed her eyes and fell asleep.


	57. Chapter 57

**I was surprised to see so many reviews already from that last chapter. I can see there is some debate over who is to blame for their issues...Elliot or Olivia? I think its safe to say they are ****_both_**** stubborn and that they ****_both _****could stand to look at things from the other's point of view once in a while, but that's just kind of how they are. They are good at sabotaging their own happiness.**

**Anyway...thanks for the reviews. Here is some more...**

New Year's Eve was one of the craziest days of the year working SVU and Olivia hated every moment of it. She always had, even before this year when her own life was practically in shambles, but this year especially it seemed to be getting to her more than usual. The squad room had been full all day, bustling with people coming in to file reports and phone calls requesting they go to one crime scene or another throughout the day. The whole city seemed to fall apart on New Year's Eve. Hours ago she had called Maureen, asking her if she could keep Noah the rest of the day because she wasn't going to make it home in time, and Maureen had agreed, but asked if she could take him with her to Queens. Kate's father was coming to pick her up for the rest of the week, part of their custody agreement and so Olivia had no choice but to agree. She dreaded driving to Queens to pick him up, mainly because she knew facing Elliot would be hard, but they'd been talking on the phone and things seemed to be okay now, so maybe it was time she put aside her pride. Maureen told her not to worry about driving out so late at night to get him, to wait until morning, and as much as Olivia hated to spend New Year's Eve without her little boy, she had to agree going out on this night in New York City was too stupid a mistake to make right now.

She sat down at her desk, twisting her head to the side to try to relieve some of the pressure in her neck and arching her back a little to adjust it. It was already ten at night and she'd been at work since before six that morning. Sixteen straight hours was starting to take it's toll on her and even though Fin had made her take a nap in the cribs earlier, she was still worn out. She felt like the night would never end. The knock at her door made her forget her misery for a minute and she looked up to motion Amanda Rollins in, "Sergeant…" she said, her voice tired making her southern accent more pronounced. "I'm gonna head down the street and get some decent coffee. That crap out there isn't cutting it anymore."

"Okay," Olivia nodded. "I wish I could send you home. I know you've been here for hours."

"I don't mind," Amanda insisted. "I didn't have big plans tonight anyway." She smiled. "You want anything while I'm out?"

"I'd kill for some real coffee too," Olivia sighed, "But since I can't have that, I guess there's nothing else you can get me."

Amanda laughed, "I could never be pregnant…the caffeine withdrawal would do me in." She pushed open the door just as Fin walked in, "I'm going to get coffee…you want some?" she asked.

"That'd be great," he agreed. Then she left and he looked at Olivia, "Time for you to go home," he ordered and she looked at him with surprise.

"Yeah right," she snickered. "We've got people out on three cases right now and four people sitting out there waiting to give statements." She picked up a file from her desk and started to walk past him, "I need to get back out there. I just came in to get this."

He stopped her, looking seriously at her, "You're going home," he said again. "It's not your choice."

"Like hell it's not," she argued. "You might be second in command, but I'm still CO and I don't take orders from you."

"After what happened during the Haley Tibbit's case…" he sighed, knowing she wasn't going to give in easily. "I've been given pretty strict orders to keep an eye on you Liv."

"This isn't like the Tibbit's case, Fin," she said. "I'm fine…"

"It's been sixteen hours…and that's the max," he reminded her.

"I took a nap in the cribs," she argued.

"Doesn't matter," he grabbed the file from her. "Either you go home, or I have to report it and I don't want to have to do that, Liv. They won't be so lenient this time."

"Go to hell," she sputtered, furious that he'd threaten her like that.

"I know your damn mood swings are brutal, so I'm gonna ignore that and blame it on your hormones," he walked to the door. "I want you out of here in ten minutes or less." He opened the door and then turned back to her, "There's someone out here to see you…"

She was grabbing her coat and looked up, surprised as Fin walked out the door and Elliot stood in his place. "El…what are you doing here?" she asked.

"I wanted to check on you, and Maureen was home so she said she'd watch Eli since she was keeping Noah all night anyway," he admitted. "Can we go somewhere and talk?"

"I have to be out of here in ten minutes or Fin's gonna report me for breaking the rules," she groaned.

"They're enforcing the pregnant cop rule on a night like this?" he asked in disbelief, but grateful as well because he could tell she was worn out.

"Fin is," she snickered. "Apparently he's my protector now."

"Someone has to be," Elliot teased. He watched as she put on her coat, fumbling with the buttons that were obviously not wanting to close around her middle and he smiled, "Looks like you need a new coat."

"Shut up," she stormed out the door, near tears and he knew it was going to be a long night.

He followed her to the elevator and watched as she pushed the button over and over again, as if that would make the doors open sooner. He took hold of her hand, "Give it time," he said.

She grabbed her hand away from him, "Don't touch me," she yelled as the doors opened and they both walked in the elevator.

They stood in silence and he could tell from her face that she wanted to cry, but wouldn't let herself. He wasn't sure if she was upset about being sent home, upset about him showing up there, or just too tired to know what she was upset about, but he felt terrible knowing she was hurting. "Liv…I'm sorry for what I said about the coat. It looks fine…I was just teasing…"

"It's not the coat…" she cried, wishing she could just once hold in her tears when she wanted to.

The elevator opened and they walked out into the lobby. "Then what is it?" he asked.

She shook her head, "Fin made me go home," she sobbed.

He reached over and pulled her toward him, letting her lay her head on his chest while her tears stained his shirt. "It's okay," he rubbed her back and brushed her hair out of her face.

"No it's not," she shook her head sadly. "I'm in charge here…not him. He didn't even ask me what I wanted to do. He told me what to do. And then he had the nerve to say I'm having _mood swings_…why the hell would he say that to me?"

Elliot had to suppress his laughter at that point. She'd gone from yelling to sobbing and back to yelling in a matter of minutes, and she wondered why someone would accuse her of having mood swings? "Maybe he just meant you're a little emotional right now…"

"So you're on his side," she pushed open the door, walking out into the cold night air.

He reached out and grabbed her, forcing her to look at him, "I am always on _your_ side…_always_. You know that…" He looked at her face, stained with tears, her cheeks red with cold and his voice quivered, "What is this about…really?"

"I don't even know," she admitted. "I just…I feel like I can't do this…"

"Do what?" Elliot asked.

"_This_…this whole thing," she cried. "I'm tired…I can't think straight…my back is killing me," she brushed away her tears. "Earlier…I think it was maybe twelve hours into the shift, I went in the bathroom and when I looked in the mirror I didn't even recognize myself. My face is so worn…I have lines I didn't even know were there…and my hair has strands of gray in it that I can't even color over because of the pregnancy…I look as miserable as I feel." She watched him, trying to determine if he was as disgusted with her and she was with herself, but he just stared at her and didn't do or say anything. "Last night…I was giving Noah his bath," she sighed. "And I was sitting on the floor, just like always…but when it was time to get him out, I went to stand up and it was hard." She cried, "It's never been hard before, El. I felt so awkward and off balance…and I had to use the side of the tub to pull myself up." She paused sadly, "I've never had to do that before…"

"Liv…you're _pregnant_," he reminded her, not really knowing what else to say.

"I'm _old_ and pregnant," she sputtered. "And everyone thinks I'm gonna break…hell even I do sometimes…and that's why Fin made me go home, even though they still needed help. That would never have happened if I was thirty."

"Maybe not," he agreed. "But that doesn't mean you're old. It just means this pregnancy is a little more high risk so we have to take some precautions. He was trying to look out for you and our daughter. I can't be angry with him for that and you shouldn't be either."

"I'm not mad at him," she sighed. "I'm mad at myself…because I want to be one of those women who wears cute little maternity clothes and goes to prenatal yoga and joins the Mommy and Me classes…but I can't do those things."

"Of course you can…" Elliot promised her. "You're being too hard on yourself."

She shook her head, "I can't. All the maternity clothes made me look like an old lady trying to cling to her youth. And I tried to go to prenatal yoga, but they told me I had to get my doctor to sign a waiver releasing them of any liability because of my age…and I took Noah to Mommy and Me once on my day off, and all the other mothers were half my age." She cried, "And all of that reminds of this baby…and how she's going to suffer the rest of her life because I chose to have her now, instead of when I was younger."

He held her close, and he remembered Kathy telling him on Christmas Eve that Olivia was_ not young_ and that _this pregnancy can't be easy on her_. And while he knew she blamed herself for the baby's Down syndrome, he hated to admit he hadn't realized just how hard everything else was. "Liv…I know this isn't easy…but you can do this. And I'm going to help you. I'll stay here in the city with you from now on. I promise…"

"I know you were right about my apartment," she sighed. "But I can't take even one more change right now…I just can't."

"It's okay…we'll work it out," he held her close. "We have plenty of time to decide where to live before the baby comes. And for now, I want you to be as comfortable as possible. I know you don't like my house."

"It's a nice house," she said. "But you've had this whole lifetime there that I was never a part of…and even though I know she doesn't live there anymore…when I'm there, I feel like a guest in Kathy's house."

He knew he should've realized that before now. "I'm sorry," he said. "I don't want you to ever feel like that…because wherever we are…that's home, for _both_ of us, Liv. As long as we're together."

"Your daughter is starving…" she looked at him, and forced a smile, not really wanting to talk anymore.

He kissed her gently on the cheek. "You don't have to change the subject, Liv. It's okay if you need a break from talking about all this. All you have to do is say that."

She nodded, "I do need a break…but we can talk more later," she promised. "Besides, I am really hungry…"

He laughed, and nodded, "Okay…" he took her hand and they walked down the street, "Let's go feed this hungry baby…and her beautiful mommy."


	58. Chapter 58

**Thanks to those who took time to review the last chapter. Much appreciated. Here is a little more...there is a longer chapter to come, hopefully tonight...**

They were sitting in a diner not far from the station, and it was practically empty because most people were out celebrating the New Year. An old man was sitting at the counter, sipping coffee and waiting for the ball to drop on the small television propped up behind the cash register. A young woman, with a screaming toddler was sitting in a corner booth, even though it was late and her kid should have been in bed, and a group of drunk college kids were shouting out things and laughing, obviously too far gone to realize it was almost midnight.

"Why did we come here?" Olivia asked, looking around the room.

"Because you're starving, remember," Elliot teased. "And it's close to the station. Hopefully no one will get too rowdy…if they do you can pull out your badge and keep them in line."

She laughed, "Yeah…I got sent home for working too hard, but I'd be happy to wrangle up a bunch of drunks on New Year's Eve."

"Hey, someone has to protect me from them," he laughed. "I'm not a cop anymore…just a mere civilian."

"You'll never be _just_ a civilian," Olivia teased. She looked at her menu, trying to decide what to order. Nothing looked very appetizing but she was so hungry she thought she'd get sick without eating soon. "What are you getting?" she asked.

"I don't know," Elliot looked at his menu. "Whatever it is, I'm sure you'll eat half of it."

"It's not me," she smirked. "It's the baby…"

He laughed, "Yeah…she's a little food thief." He smiled. "But I don't mind…"

The waitress came and took their orders, and then returned with coffee for Elliot and a glass of water for Olivia. Olivia looked at her water and sighed, "It isn't fair that you can drink coffee," she groaned. "I would kill for coffee right now. Heck, I'd even drink Munch's crap if I could get my hands on it."

"Don't say that," Elliot teased. "It would be dangerous to our unborn child for you to even be in the same room with that swill." He took a sip of his coffee and looked across the table at her. "I _could_ be a loving and doting expectant father and offer to give this up too," he smiled playfully.

"God no," she laughed, "There'd be no living with you then." She took a big drink of her water and sighed, "I think this is the first thing I've had to drink in hours. It was crazy at the station. I just want to eat and go home."

"Liv, you know you need to be eating and drinking throughout the day, even if you're busy," he reminded her. "It's not healthy."

"Yeah, I know," she put her hand to her stomach, an uncomfortable look on her face.

"What's wrong," he asked. "You okay?"

She nodded, "Yeah, I guess…I'm just achy. It's not really painful, like a cramp, just…I don't know…kind of sore and tiring."

"Has she been moving around a lot?" he asked. "Sometimes that can leave you feeling kind of off."

She shook her head, "She hardly ever moves. If I do feel her, it's always at night when I'm in bed."

"She's a night owl," Elliot smiled. "You probably just did too much today." The waitress brought their food and Elliot looked at the bowl of soup Olivia had ordered and wondered if she should have ordered something more substantial. "That's all you want?" he asked. He looked at his sandwich, "Do you want half of this?"

"No," she dipped her spoon in the soup, taking a small sip. "I'm not all that hungry…"

"I thought you were starving?" he asked. "What's going on? Are you sick?"

"El…I'm not sick," she insisted. "I'm just tired and achy and I want to eat so we can go home."

"Okay," he looked unsure, but decided to leave her alone. He took a bite of his sandwich and looked at the television, "It's almost midnight…" he pointed to the countdown on the screen.

She turned to look at it. The drunk kids were counting down 10-9-8-7…Elliot moved from his spot across the table and slid into the seat next to her. "What are you doing?" she asked.

4-3-2-1-this kids counted down. "Happy New Year," he smiled and leaned over, kissing her softly on the lips and it took her off guard even though it probably shouldn't have. Everyone in the room was shouting and cheering, but they were both content to hold each other close and kiss with silent passion. When they finally pulled away from the kiss, he smiled, "That was nice."

She looked at him, "Yeah…but I think we need to come up for air more often," She gently massaged her fingers into her temples, "I feel lightheaded."

"I have that effect on women," he teased.

She rolled her eyes at him and laughed slightly. Then he pulled his plate over to her side of the table, and she looked at it and back to him, "So what? Now we're one of those obnoxious couples who sit together on one side of the booth?" she laughed.

He grinned at her, "Drives you crazy, doesn't it?"

She sighed, "I don't mind." She put her hand to her stomach, exhaling sharply and leaning her head on his shoulder.

He couldn't help but worry about her. She just seemed off, complaining of being tired and lightheaded, but after her outburst earlier he wasn't sure how to approach her without making her upset or angry, "Do you want to go home?" he asked, noticing she'd barely touched her soup.

"I'm going to get sick if I don't eat," she moaned. "I just feel so…I don't know the word for it…"

"Let's go," he stood up, throwing money down on the table to pay for their food. "I think you need to get to bed, and I'll find something for you to eat at home."

She stood up, ready to follow him out of the diner when she suddenly knew she wouldn't make it. She felt shaky and weak, her head spinning and she grabbed the side of the table, trying to regain her balance. "El…" she whispered, not sure if it was loud enough for him to hear.

He turned to look at her, noticing the way she was swaying on her feet, "Liv…" he ran to her, holding her steady, "It's okay…just take a deep breath…" But it was too late because within seconds she fell and he grabbed her, holding her close. "Liv…" he wasn't sure what was wrong, but watching her pass out cold in his arms scared him half to death. He lightly smacked her cheeks, trying to jolt her awake, "Olivia…wake up…" but it didn't work.

The waitress came running over, "Sir…what's wrong?" she asked.

His voice quivered and he pulled her closer to him, "Call 911," he yelled. And as she ran off to the phone, the noise from the screaming toddler in the corner and the drunk college students seemed to disappear and all he could do was focus on the person he loved, unconscious in his arms. "You're gonna be fine," he promised, tears stinging his eyes, his arms shaking as he held her. "Please…wake up…Liv…" he cried. It seemed like forever before he could hear the sirens approaching in the distance…and from there everything was a blur.


	59. Chapter 59

**Thanks for all the reviews. :)**

Her eyes fluttered open, and she looked around the room. She couldn't place where she was until she saw Elliot, his eyes closed, sitting in a chair next to her and she recognized the muted pink and blue tones of the hospital furniture. She looked down, noticing the thin hospital gown and she couldn't remember what had happened. The last thing she remembered was being with Elliot is a lousy diner on New Year's Eve. "El…" her throat was dry and her voice was horse. "Elliot…" she tried to reach over to him, but she realized there were cords attached to her finger and an IV in her hand that restricted her from moving very far. "Elliot…" she said, forcing her voice to go louder. "Wake up…"

He jerked awake at the sound of her voice, standing up and rushing to her bedside. "Hey…how are you feeling?" he asked.

She shook her head, still groggy, "What happened?" and suddenly she was terrified, "What about the baby? Is she…"

"She's fine, Liv," he promised. "You're the one we're worried about. You passed out at the diner…you scared me half to death."

"Why did I pass out?" she asked, closing her eyes. "I don't feel very good…"

"The doctor said you'd be nauseous when you woke up," he told her. "The nurse can bring you some gingerale if you want."

"What's wrong with me?" she asked again.

"They're running some tests," he told her. "Your blood pressure was low and you were really dehydrated when you came in. They're giving you a lot of fluids. The doctor said it could've lowered the baby's amniotic fluid. Liv, we're lucky she's okay."

"I'm sorry…" she cried. "I know I'm supposed to drink water and I was just so busy all day…"

"Hey, don't start crying," he leaned over and kissed her on the forehead. "You don't need to lose anymore fluids."

"Did they do an ultrasound?" she asked. "To check on her?"

He shook his head, "No…but they hooked you up to a fetal monitor for a while and her heart was beating just fine…it was a beautiful sound. They thought you might be having some contractions, but nothing showed up on the monitor." He smiled, "You woke up briefly in the ER, but when they put in the IV you fell asleep and they said I shouldn't wake you."

"Why do I feel so sick to my stomach?" she asked.

"I told them how achy you were earlier and they gave you a really mild pain medication. The doctor said it was probably a side effect of the dehydration, but he was worried about muscle spasms and he said you couldn't have a muscle relaxer. He just wanted to get on top of the pain."

"You shouldn't have let them give me anything," she sighed. "It's not good for the baby."

"He promised this wouldn't hurt her," Elliot brushed her hair away from her face. "Liv…why are we here? Honey, you have to start taking better care of yourself…"

"I am," she insisted. "It was just crazy today. You know how the holidays are at the station and I didn't have any time…"

"Liv, you have to make time," he looked sadly at her. "I'm not lecturing you, so please don't take it that way…but I know how much you love this baby, so why aren't you doing what you need to do?"

"Do you know how many times I have to pee if I drink all the water I'm supposed to drink in a day?" she argued. "More than you could count. I can't go out on cases anymore, so I spend the whole damn day taking witness statements and I can't just walk out and go to the bathroom in the middle of it. So…I decided not to drink as much today…I thought it would be okay, just this once."

"Well it _wasn't_ okay," he said seriously. "And what about eating? You told me yourself you hadn't been eating much today. You're supposed to eat something small every couple of hours."

"I know that, Elliot," she didn't feel like listening to him gripe at her. She felt bad enough already. "I said I'm sorry. I usually do a lot better…but today was sixteen hours and I just couldn't keep up with everything and…" she started to cry. "You have no idea what this is like."

The doctor walked in, noticing her tears and realizing he had interrupted something. He cleared his throat to let them know he was there and they both looked at him, "I see you're awake," he smiled. "How are you feeling?"

Olivia brushed the tears from her cheeks, "I'm fine," she insisted. "How is my baby?"

"Your baby is perfect," he smiled. "Her heart beat sounds good and I don't think we need to do an ultrasound. Are you feeling better? Any dizziness or nausea?"

"I'm a little queasy," she admitted. "I don't want any more pain medication. I don't want to take anything I don't absolutely need."

He nodded, "Well are you in any pain?" he asked. "I was told you were complaining of some aches and pains earlier."

"It was just my back, and that always hurts by the end of the day," she sighed. "And some achiness toward the lower part of my stomach…but it doesn't hurt anymore. It wasn't cramping, just an ache. I figured it was just because I was tired."

"That ache isn't uncommon," he smiled. "But you should sit down and put your feet up when it happens or lay down and rest. Were you on your feet a lot today?"

"I guess so," she answered. "It was a long day at work."

He looked at her chart, "Well, all the tests we ran look pretty good. Looks like you need some fluids and some rest, and you'll be fine." He smiled.

"Can I go home?" she asked.

He shook his head, "Not tonight. I want to monitor your blood pressure and make sure you're completely hydrated before we send you home. And I want to make sure you're going to be able to take it easy for a while…it won't take much for this pregnancy to get complicated quickly. Your age puts you in a very high risk category, and according to your medical records the baby tested positive for Downs. A premature delivery would be very serious with her other developmental issues."

"When can she come home?" Elliot asked nervously. He didn't like hearing all the complications that could arise.

"What is life looking like at home right now?" the doctor asked. "Work…family…do you have time to take it easy?"

She knew her answers wouldn't convince him that she would be safe to go home and relax. "I'm busy at work…I'm commanding officer of the special victims unit. But I'm not going out on cases anymore. And at home, I have a fifteen month old son…by the time I get home I have to get him fed, play with him, give him his bath…"

"Wow," the doctor looked at her and then toward Elliot. "Taking a break probably sounds impossible, huh?" he smiled. "I think you should cut back some hours at work and let Daddy take care of the little guy more at night so you can rest." He could tell she looked unsure, "You're almost to the half-way point in this pregnancy. You're going to need to take it easy. I'm not sure if your doctor has talked to you about this or not, but bedrest is a real possibility due to your age and some complications that could arise. You might as well slow down now, before that happens." He wrote some information in her chart. "Do you have any questions?" Olivia shook her head. Even though she hadn't liked what she heard, he had made himself very clear. "I'll probably release you tomorrow," he smiled, "Have a good night. Buzz the nurse if you need to."

"One night in the hospital won't be so bad," Elliot sat next to her and held her hand. "And I'll love taking care of Noah at night."

"_I_ love taking care of him…" she cried. "And I love my job…"

"Liv, you heard what the doctor said," Elliot knew it was hard for her to accept, but she had to. "You have to slow down. This isn't just about you…"

"I know that," she cried. "I want to do what's best for the baby…I really do…but you don't understand how hard it is…"

"What do you think I don't understand?" he asked. "That it's hard to give up control at work or to let someone else take care of things at home? I know what a control freak you are, Liv…"

"No," she shook her head. "It's that…even if I do all of those things…she still might not be okay. And I don't know if I can face that…"

"Liv," he whispered. "She's going to be fine."

Olivia couldn't stop crying, "She might need heart surgery, Elliot. We could be sitting in this same hospital in a few months while doctors cut open her tiny little chest. She might not be able to hear us when we sing to her…or we might have to wait years to hear her first word…it's going to be hard for her to learn to eat because her sucking reflex may not work…and the list goes on and on."

"So what are you saying?" he asked. "Because she might have all of these problems, you don't want to take precautions now? I can't believe you…"

"No!" she yelled. "Of course that's not what I'm saying," she had to stop to catch her breath. "I'm saying that all of those worries are forever in the back of my mind…and sometimes the only way I can get past it is to focus on my work or on Noah or just other things that don't remind me of the baby. I know it's wrong…but I don't know what else to do. I want her to be okay…"

"I know you do," he put his hand carefully on her stomach. "I do too. But Liv, the best thing you can do for her right now is take care of yourself…and her. She has to be your number one focus. That gives her the best chance." He sighed, knowing he needed to be honest as well. "I'm scared too," he admitted. "I've never been this afraid of anything in my life. And sometimes, when I think of all the things that can go wrong…all I can think of is that I told you I didn't want her. And I'll never forgive myself for that…never…"

"I know you love her," Olivia said gently. "I've never doubted that. But sometimes, I feel like you think I don't love her enough. Like, because this is hard for me…that it means I'm disappointed in _her_…and that couldn't be further from the truth. I'm disappointed in myself…because I can't make this better for her. Good mothers make things better for their kids, El. And I can't protect her."

"Good mothers love their children, Liv," he assured her. "And you _love_ her. I never thought you were disappointed in her."

"I bought her a dress," Olivia said softly. "It's pink, with lace. I could picture her in it," she sighed.

He smiled, "I'm glad. We need to start getting some things for her."

"When I brought it home, I hid it in the closet," she admitted. "Because I'm so scared she's not going to make it home," she sobbed.

"Oh God, Liv," he held her close and let her cry. He didn't know what to say because he had those same fears, but hadn't let himself think about them for long, and now he knew that was all she thought about. "She's coming home," he promised. "I know that…deep in my heart, I just know."

"Then why haven't _you_ bought anything for her?" Olivia asked. "I remember when Kathy was pregnant with Eli…we'd be out on a case or something and you'd see a little baseball cap or a teddy bear in a store window, and you'd go inside and buy it. You'd say you wanted to spoil the kid right from the start." She looked sadly at him, "You haven't even mentioned seeing things you'd like her to have, let alone buying them. It makes me feel like this whole pregnancy is a tragedy…something we just have to get through…"

He knew she was right…and maybe it was because it had been hard to accept becoming a father again at his age, or because he knew she was struggling so much…but he also knew he had those same fears about losing the baby, and it kept him from reacting to this child the way he had his others. And it wasn't right. It wasn't fair to Olivia or to their daughter. "I'm sorry…" he said. He rubbed his hand over her stomach, "I'm so sorry…"

"I'm sorry too," she cried. "I promise I'll eat throughout the day and drink all my water, no matter how many times I have to leave a perp in interrogation to go pee. And I'll let you give Noah his bath at night so I can lay in front of the TV and do nothing."

He forced a smile, "When we get home, we're going to get a baby name book and go through every single page until we find the perfect name for this little girl. And you're going to tell Fin you are leaving at five every day. And when you get home, you're going to prop your feet up and I am going to bring you food and give you back massages and we'll get on the laptop and pick out dozens of little pink outfits to buy for the baby."

She smiled, "That sounds nice."

"Yeah, it does," he agreed. He leaned over and kissed her, softly on the lips. "You need to get some sleep now. Goodnight." he said. Then he put his mouth close to her stomach and whispered, "And goodnight to you too."

"She knows your voice," Olivia grinned. "She's fluttering around."

"Well, I can't wait to feel her move," he smiled. "But I'm so glad you can feel her. That's a sign, Liv…a sign that she's doing just fine for now. And right now is all we can worry about, because there are no guarantees about the future…not for anyone. But right now, everyone is just fine."

Olivia nodded, "Yeah," she agreed. "We're all just fine."


	60. Chapter 60

**Here is some more. Thanks to the couple of people who reviewed the last chapter. This one is just some sweet, family fluff. No drama :)**

"Mama…" Noah squealed when they walked through the door. Olivia had ended up staying in the hospital for two days instead of just one, mainly because they couldn't regulate her blood pressure. It would go from low to high and then drop again, leaving her dizzy and lightheaded. Even now she felt unsteady on her feet, though the doctor has assured her it was because of increased blood volume due to the pregnancy and no longer because of her blood pressure. Still it was something they had to keep an eye on.

"He's missed you," Maureen smiled, handing the little boy to his mother, but when Olivia reached for him, Elliot grabbed him instead.

"You are not carrying him," he said seriously. "Let's get you to bed…"

"Mama…" the little boy pouted, his lower lip quivering. "Want Mama…"

"Elliot…" she looked at her son and she wanted to cry too. "I haven't seen him since New Year's Eve morning."

"Come on," he took her arm, guiding her into the bedroom and then helped her into bed arranging the pillows behind her back so she could sit up comfortably. Then he sat Noah in her lap and the little boy stopped crying. She leaned in, kissing her son and running her fingers through his dark hair. "Do you need anything?" Elliot asked. "I don't want you out of this bed today."

"Can you bring some of Noah's toys in here?" she asked.

"Sure," Elliot smiled.

He left them alone and Olivia smiled and played with her son, "I missed my favorite guy," she said, blowing bubbles on his tummy and the baby giggled. He climbed over her stomach, trying to reach her better, and it actually hurt a little so she picked him up and sat him beside her on the bed. "You're smooshing your little sister," she teased, and he smacked his hands playfully on her stomach, trying to get her to pick him up again. She smiled at him, grabbing his hand and holding it softly against her stomach, "Can you say _baby_, Noah?" she said softly. "Ba-by" He laughed and babbled random syllables that didn't sound like anything at all. "Ba-by" she said again.

"He's not interested in saying it," Elliot laughed when he came in, sitting on the bed and handing Noah his police car with the lights and sirens. The little boy started pushing the buttons, oblivious to anything else. Elliot ran his hand over her stomach, "He'll learn to say it," he promised.

"I'm scared he's going to be jealous," Olivia admitted. "I don't want him to feel like that. I want him to be excited."

"Liv, he's just a baby," Elliot sighed. "He'll be a little jealous at first, but we'll make sure he gets just as much love and attention as his sister and he'll be okay."

"I hope so," she smiled, watching her son play.

"Are you hungry?" Elliot asked. "I can get you a snack. You haven't eaten since breakfast at the hospital."

"Maybe," she sighed.

"What do you mean, _maybe_?" he laughed. "You're either hungry or you're not."

"Cravings suck," she smiled. "You always laugh at me."

He smiled, "What are you craving this time? Do I have to wander the city again looking for some off the wall restaurant?"

She laughed, "No…not this time."

"So what do you want?" he asked, rubbing his hand over her stomach once more.

"Peanut butter cookies…and cherry kool-aide," she laughed. "I don't even think you have to go to the store. I bought some the other day."

"That's a lot of sugar, Liv," he reminded her. "Might make the baby kind of hyper…"

"I hope it does," she smiled. "I want to feel her move and she hardly ever does. Besides, if I don't get those cookies, I'm gonna lose it. I want them so bad!"

"Alright," he leaned over and kissed her and then walked to the kitchen. When he came back, Olivia was rolling Noah's car across the bed and the little boy was rolling it back to her. Elliot came over, sitting on the bed and interrupting their game. He handed the glass to Olivia and she took a drink while he opened the package of cookies, handing her one. She dipped the cookie in the kool-aide, letting it soak up the sugary red liquid and then popped it in her mouth. "Oh geez," he laughed.

"It's good," she insisted.

"Mama…" Noah noticed her eating and slid over on the bed next to her. "Cookie…Mama…Cookie…"

"See what you've done now?" Elliot teased.

"He loves cookies," Olivia laughed.

"All kids do, Liv," he laughed.

"Cookie…" Noah turned his attention to Elliot who still had the package on his lap. He pulled himself up, standing unsteadily on the bed and wrapping his arms around Elliot's neck. "DaDa…Cookie…"

Olivia's eyes widened and she looked at Elliot in shock, "Did he just call you _DaDa_?" she asked.

Elliot picked up the baby, kissing him and sitting him on his lap, breaking a cookie in half and handing it to him, while Noah put it in his mouth, "I guess he did," he couldn't hold back his smile.

"When did he learn that?" she asked.

"Most kids say DaDa first, Liv," Elliot told her. "It's not hard to say."

"But he called _you_ that," Olivia smiled. "He's never done that before."

"We've been practicing," Elliot winked at her. "If you want me to be his daddy, I figured he shouldn't call me Elliot…besides, he can't really say that anyway."

A smile spread across her face, "You are his daddy," she promised. "And as soon as I can get out of this bed, we're going to go talk to the judge about adding your name to the adoption petition."

"That sounds like a great idea," he leaned over, kissing her softly. Then he grabbed one of the cookies, dipping it in her kool-aide and popping it in his mouth. "Mmm…not bad," he admitted. "Don't tell me your cravings are rubbing off on me," he teased.

She laughed, "Let's hope not. We can't both gain thirty-some pounds over the next few months."

"I'll go put these up," he said, standing up from the bed. "Before Noah starts wanting more."

"Give me one more," she pleaded. "Before you put them up. I'm eating for two you know."

He laughed, "Yeah…it doesn't really work that way," but he handed her the cookie before he left the room.

Olivia ate the cookie, looking at her son who had slobbery wet crumbs on his face. So much had changed since the judge asked her to take custody of Noah…more than she could ever have imagined. "Your daddy is a good guy, Noah," she whispered and the little boy crawled over and sat in her lap, letting his head rest on the swell of her stomach.

Elliot walked in and climbed in bed next to them, putting his arms around Olivia, "He's gonna fall asleep," he said, "He's not gonna like laying that way in a few weeks when she starts kicking him," he laughed.

"Maybe we can teach him to say baby by then," she yawned.

"You are going to fall asleep with our son, aren't you?" he asked and she leaned her head on his shoulder. He looked at his little family and he felt blessed beyond measure. It was funny how life had a way of throwing things at you that you could never imagine wanting, just when you needed it most. And he needed this. Olivia, Noah, and this baby...they saved him from himself, in ways they'd probably never know. He looked at them, and he was in love as he closed his eyes and let himself fall asleep too.


	61. Chapter 61

**Thanks so much for all the reviews. I am glad people enjoyed the fluff. Less fluff and more drama in this one...more to come soon.**

"Why are you up so early?" Olivia asked, looking at the clock and noticing it wasn't even five o'clock. She squinted her eyes, looking at him as he straightened his tie, "Are you wearing your uniform?" Elliot sat on the bed, putting on his shoes and Olivia ran her fingers along his white dress shirt, "I will never get used to seeing you dressed like this," she laughed a little.

"So you're not a sucker for a man in uniform?" he asked, leaning over and kissing her. "I've already had three guards call in sick this morning," he sighed, checking his phone once more in case any other guards had texted saying they wouldn't make it in that day. "I'm gonna have to cover a shift." He rarely worked outside the office, but in a pinch it was part of his job to fill in. He hadn't worn a uniform regularly since his beat cop days, and the security guard uniform was hardly the same thing. He could always tell Olivia was laughing inside when he'd put it on, that she felt he was pretending to be a cop instead of really being one. But that wasn't true. He wasn't pretending to be a cop…he _wasn't_ one, and he was content with that. He enjoyed running the security company a lot more than he ever thought he would, but days like this when he had to actually work as a guard were dreadful. If he could've avoided wearing the gun, he would have.

"I'm a sucker for _you_, no matter what you're wearing," she sat up, putting her arms around him, kissing his neck playfully. Ever since she'd hit the twenty week mark in her pregnancy her hormones were in overdrive and she couldn't seem to get enough of him. He figured he should enjoy it while he could, because it was only a matter of time before she'd feel too uncomfortable to want to do anything. It was a short window. "Why do you have to leave so early?" she asked, pulling him toward her. "I want you to stay…"

"I wish I could stay," he laughed. "Believe me…" he ran his fingers through her hair and then forced himself to pull away from her. "I need to get to the office, set some assignments, get my gun…" He always kept it locked up in the office, refusing to carry it on him otherwise. "And then I'm spending the morning as bank security, you know…protecting the millions…" he laughed.

"Will you be done in time for our appointment with Judge Linden?" she asked. They had scheduled a meeting with the judge to ask her advice on adding Elliot's name to the adoption petition. "She's expecting us at two."

"I'll be there," he promised, kissing her once more. "I've got to go," he smiled. "Are you going to be okay getting Noah ready by yourself this morning?"

"Sure," she smiled. She put her hand on her stomach, "Your daughter's restless this morning," she smiled, grabbing his hand and placing it where she had felt the baby move. "Do you feel that?"

He pushed his hand carefully on her stomach, but he couldn't feel anything. He knew Olivia really wanted him to be able to feel the little flutters she'd been feeling the past few weeks, but so far they just weren't strong enough. He shook his head, "Not yet," he admitted. "But it'll happen soon." He kissed her once more, "See you this afternoon," he grabbed his keys and walked out the door.

The sky was gray and overcast as Olivia walked toward the courthouse. It was only 1:30 and she knew she'd be a little early, but things had been slow at the precinct so she had decided to duck out and grab a steaming cup of tea on her way. She'd ordered a coffee for Elliot, knowing he'd need it after his morning of security duty. He was always less himself after a job like that, and while she wished he'd talk to her about it, he never did. At first she'd assumed it was because he thought the job was beneath him after all his years on the force, but now she was sure that wasn't it. He hated it because it reminded him of being a cop, and he didn't want to go back there for anything.

For February, the temperature wasn't uncommon, but the dark clouds made it seem colder and the moisture that hung thick in the air signaled an upcoming storm. If her hands weren't occupied by the cups, she would've tried to pull her coat around her. It didn't really button anymore and she was freezing. When she finally made it to the courthouse she had time to spare and sat on a bench in the lobby, sitting the cups beside her and pulling out her phone. _I'm here…waiting._ She texted Elliot and then sipped her tea, expecting him to walk through the door any minute.

She pulled a book out of her purse, and browsed through it. It was a book of baby names Elliot had bought a few weeks earlier and they had already worn down the pages by going through it so often. They'd highlighted a few names, but they couldn't seem to agree on one that seemed perfect for their daughter, and she really longed to call her by her name. So she went over the list again, mentally saying the names and trying to decide if any of them seemed right. Finally she closed the book and looked back at her phone, wondering why Elliot hadn't responded to her text. It was almost two, and he should've been there by now anyway. She called him, but it went to voicemail. "El…where are you?" she left a message. "I'm on my way up to see the judge. Just meet me there as soon as you get here. I have to turn my phone off…" she hung up the phone and turned off the ringer, tossing it in her purse. He was probably stuck at work, and even though she was irritated that he wasn't on time, she knew he wouldn't be late if it could be avoided.

She tossed his coffee in the trash on her way to the elevator, not wanting to carry it anymore. It was probably cold now anyway. When she exited the elevator she walked to the judge's office and sat, waiting for her appointment and wishing Elliot would show up before they called her in, but that didn't happen. "Sergeant Benson," the judge smiled and motioned for her to sit, "I was surprised when you called. How's our little Baby Boy Doe doing?"

Olivia smiled, "Noah is perfect," she said and she pulled out a picture to show her. "He's sixteen months old…walking…talking a lot…" she sighed. "He's just wonderful."

The judge took the picture and looked at it, "I knew I made the right choice," she smiled. "He seems very happy…and so do you…" she handed the picture back to Olivia. "So what did you need to talk to me about?"

"Well," Olivia didn't know why she was nervous all of the sudden. The judge liked her and had been supportive so far, but in the back of her mind she kept picturing the meeting with the social worker and the harsh judgment she'd felt that day and she was afraid the judge would react the same way. "I'm getting married," she said, holding her hand up and flashing the ring at the judge. "And my fiancé…he is really close to Noah…we were wondering about adding his name to the adoption petition?"

The judge looked surprised, "Congratulations," she said. "I wasn't aware you were seeing anyone when I placed Noah with you. When are you getting married?"

Olivia sighed, "We haven't set the date yet, but probably this summer…after everything is finalized with the adoption…and…" she paused, "and, after our baby is born."

The judge's eyes widened and she looked more closely at Olivia, realizing that she was pregnant. She hadn't noticed when she came in, probably because of her bulky coat and the purse she was carrying in front of her, but it was obvious now. "Congratulations again," the judge smiled. "Seems your life has taken a big turn over the last few months." She looked more seriously, "Where is your fiancé? If he wants to file an adoption petition, he should be here?"

Olivia shrugged, "He was supposed to be. I don't know where he is. This isn't like him…he must be caught in traffic or something."

The judge nodded, "Okay, well why don't you give me his name, birthdate, social security number…and I can at least start the background check," she grabbed a pen.

"Elliot Stabler," Olivia began.

"_Detective_ Stabler?" the judge asked. "As in your former partner? I can't tell you how many times he's been in my courtroom over the years. I had no idea…"

"He's not a detective anymore," Olivia explained. "And we weren't involved back when we were partners. It's been a more recent development…"

The judge laughed a little, but took down the rest of the information. Then she looked at Olivia and smiled, "I don't think this will be a problem, but tell Mr. Stabler he has to come in and see me before we can file the petition."

"Thank you," Olivia was relieved. "After the social worker came for the six month visit, I was afraid this might not be approved."

"Why not?" the judge asked with worry. She hadn't seen the report, but she was going to request it now.

Olivia shrugged, "She said I broke the rules by not reporting my pregnancy. It was a mistake…I didn't mean to break the rules…"

The judge's face softened, "We can forgive a little mistake," she promised. "Believe me, I know that little boy is in the right place. I wouldn't have given him to you otherwise." She watched as Olivia stood, her pregnancy much more noticeable now that she'd been made aware of it, and the judge stood and shook her hand. "Tell Mr. Stabler to come in as soon as he can," she reminded her.

"I will," Olivia sighed. "I don't know where he is right now, but believe me, he'll never hear the end of this." The judge laughed and Olivia walked out of the office and toward the elevator. Before she could push the button, the doors slid open and she was face to face with Nick Amaro. She smiled, surprised to see him at family court that day because she couldn't remember any reason for him to be there. "Nick? What are you doing here?"

"Liv," his face was pale and his voice shook, and suddenly she realized something was wrong. "I came to find you…"

"Why?" she asked, her voice a nervous whisper.

"Your phone's off," he said. "And Maureen's been calling…she couldn't reach you on your cell…"

"Oh my God," Olivia felt like she couldn't breathe, "Noah…"

"It's not Noah, Liv," Nick grabbed her and tried to steady her. "He's fine…"

"Then what's wrong?" she asked, shaking her head in confusion.

"There was a bank robbery in Queens late this morning…" he tried to explain to her, but he wasn't sure she understood. "Liv…one of the guards was shot." He couldn't bear to say Elliot's name, but he could tell she knew. "He's critical…"

"No!" she screamed, and he tried to hold her but she pulled away. "He's stuck in traffic…"

"Liv…he's in surgery…" he reached out and held her close, not letting her pull away. She sobbed on his chest and he didn't know what to say. Nothing was going to make this better.

"I need to get to the hospital," she cried.

"I'll drive you," he offered and she didn't argue with him. They made their way downstairs and into the car, and the silence was painful. Nick couldn't think of the right words, so instead he said nothing, and Olivia looked out the window, watching as the gray drizzle began to change to tiny ice crystals. She ran her hand over her stomach, becoming increasingly more aware of the baby's anxious movements. She had wanted more than anything for Elliot to feel their daughter move than morning, but he couldn't…and now he might never have the chance. Nick watched her, his heart breaking for the partner he had grown to love like a sister, "Maureen said she was heading toward the hospital," he said. "If you need me to, I can take Noah and Kate…"

"Thanks," she said, her voice flat as she stared at the city outside the window. There was nothing else to say. Nothing else worth saying, and she focused on the gloomy February sky she wondered why she had let herself be happy, only to have it ripped out from under her.


	62. Chapter 62

**Okay...last time I am reposting this. No more author's notes. Say what you want to me. I am not addressing the issue anymore. I will try to finish this story for those who want to read it.**

Nick was still holding onto Olivia as they walked into the hospital. He was worried about her. She'd been dealing with so much already concerning the pregnancy, and he was afraid that finding out her fiancé was in critical condition and laying on the operating table while doctors tried to save him was more than she could take. There was no doubt in his mind that she was strong, but there was only so much one person could take.

Maureen was sitting in a chair, holding onto Noah who was crying and failing to keep an eye on Kate who had discovered the rack of magazines in the corner and was close to knocking them over. Nick put his free hand on the magazine rack to steady it, and released Olivia from his grasp while she rushed over to Elliot's daughter. "What's going on?" she asked. "How is he?"

Maureen's eyes were red and swollen, and she shook her head, "I don't know," she cried. "They won't tell me anything other than he's in surgery. They said someone would come out and update me, but I've been here almost an hour." She looked at Noah, whose cries and turned to screams and patted his back, "He won't stop crying…"

"It's okay," Olivia nodded. As worried as she was, she could tell Maureen was worse off. She took Noah from her and held him close, trying to soothe his cries as she walked to the front desk. The nurse was on the phone, and it was obviously a personal call, as she giggled and avoided eye contact with Olivia. "Excuse me…" Olivia tried to remain calm as the woman put her finger up to signal she'd be done in a minute. Olivia pulled out her badge, flashing at the woman, "I really need some help here…" She said again as the woman hung up the phone with an exasperated sigh.

"What can I do for you officer?" the woman asked.

"Sergeant…" Olivia sputtered. "And you can tell me where the hell my fiancé is. He was brought in earlier today after the bank robbery. My step-daughter says you haven't been very helpful with her, but you are damn well going to be helpful to me!"

"Ma'am…" the woman looked at Noah, still crying as he clung to his mother. "I don't have any information, other than the fact that he is in surgery. That's what I told his daughter. Maybe you should call someone to take your little boy home. He's been very upset up here."

"Of course he's upset!" Olivia yelled. "His father is God only knows where and the rest of us are frantic waiting to hear some news. What is going on with Elliot Stabler? Tell me now!"

"Liv," Nick walked over to her, "Let me take the baby." He reached for Noah and Olivia handed him over reluctantly. "You need to calm down…getting yourself all worked up isn't going to change a thing."

"What am I supposed to do?" she cried. "Just sit here and wait? I don't want them to come out and tell me he's gone…"

Nick knew her biggest fear was a possibility, but he prayed that wouldn't happen. Since Elliot had come back into her life, Olivia was a new person. Happier than she'd been in a long time. "All you can do is be strong for him…be strong for the kids…Liv, they need _you_."

She brushed away the tears that were falling down her cheeks and looked at Maureen who was still sitting, but now had Kate in her lap, clinging to her little girl. She nodded, "You're right…" and she walked over and sat next to her. "They'll let us know when they have news," she whispered, not sure what else to say.

"I called Liz and Dickie," Maureen said sadly. "They're gonna head up from school as soon as they can." She sighed, "And I called Mom. She said she didn't want to tell Eli yet…you know, just in case…" she started to cry again and Olivia put her arms around her and hugged her close. "Olivia…what if he dies?"

"Honey," Olivia held her close, not knowing what to say. "If there is one thing I know about your dad, it's that he's a fighter. He doesn't want to leave us. He's going to fight with everything he has to stay with us."

Nick walked over to them, smiling at Kate who was trying to wriggle out of her mother's arms. "What do you say I take these two to the cafeteria for a while?" he asked. "This isn't the best place for them."

Maureen shook her head, "I don't know…"

"She'll be okay," Olivia promised her and she picked the girl up. "Kate…this is my friend, Nick." The little girl looked curiously at him. "He's gonna take you and Noah to get ice cream, and Mommy and I will be right here waiting for you, okay?" The little girl nodded and took Nick's hand easily.

"He seems nice," Maureen said, watching her daughter walk off with him. "How long have you been partners?"

Olivia sighed, "Ever since your dad left." She shrugged, "He's a very nice guy…the kids will fine."

"I'm looking for Elliot Stabler's family…" a nurse walked into the room, her face grim as she stared at Maureen and Olivia.

They both jumped up and rushed over to her, "Is he okay?" Olivia asked. "Can we see him?"

"Are you his next of kin?" the woman asked.

"I'm his fiancé," Olivia explained. "And this is his daughter."

"Okay, well the doctor would like to speak with you," she motioned toward a door behind the reception desk, "Follow me."

"You can't tell us how he's doing?" Maureen asked anxiously. "Is he alive?"

"The doctor needs to be the one to give you any information," the nurse said gently. Then she led them to the room and they sat there waiting for what seemed like hours, letting their emotions get the best of them.

"Mrs. Stabler? I'm Dr. Myrobi…the neurologist here…" the doctor said as he walked in and shook Olivia's hand.

"Benson…my name is Olivia Benson," she said quickly, not sure why she'd bothered to correct him. "How's Elliot?"

"Is my dad alive?" Maureen asked again, determined to get an answer.

The doctor nodded, "Yes, he's alive. He's in recovery right now and we'll keep him there for a while to monitor him before we move him to ICU."

"ICU?" Olivia asked. "What's happening? Is he going to be okay?"

"The gunshot wound was less severe than it could have been," the doctor assured them. "It grazed the front of his skull and lodged in the left side of his brain."

"Oh God," Maureen gasped. "He was shot in the head?"

"I'm sorry..I thought you knew," the doctor said seriously. "He was shot in the head, but we were able to remove the bullet, and a few small fragments. He was very lucky…if the bullet had lodged just a few centimeters one way or another, he could have had irreparable damage."

"So he's going to be okay?" Olivia asked. "He's going to recover?"

"Right now, he has massive swelling from the force of the bullet and the trauma to his brain," the doctor explained. "We removed a small section of his skull to allow for the swelling and we plan to replace it using synthetic bone once his brain heals. For now, with the swelling, he's in a coma…and we won't know for sure what kind of effects we are dealing with until he wakes up."

Olivia gasped, the words the doctor was saying swirling around in her mind. "What effects?" she asked tearfully.

"There's no way to know right now," the doctor answered. "There could be speech problems, vision problems, trouble with motor skills…or memory," he sighed. "Or he could wake up and be perfectly fine. We'll just have to wait and see."

"How long until he wakes up?" Maureen asked.

The doctor knew they were hoping for specific answers, but with this kind of injury, there were none. "Days…maybe weeks…sometimes it's even months." He looked at them and spoke gently, "The coma is actually a good thing. It is allowing his brain to heal. If he was awake, he'd be at serious risk for stroke. The pain and stress on his body would be too much. And once he does wake up…you should prepare yourselves for a long road of recovery."

Olivia felt sick to her stomach. Thinking of Elliot, in so much pain, not able to help him…it crushed her. "We're having a baby…" she whispered, more to herself than to the doctor. "He's supposed to be there…he wants to be there…"

Maureen reached over, grabbing her hand and holding it tight, "Olivia…" she cried. "He's going to get better before the baby comes." She knew her words were of little comfort, but she was suddenly aware of how pale and weak Olivia looked and she knew her future step-mother had been staying strong for her sake.

"Once we move him to ICU, we'll allow you to see him, briefly," the doctor explained. "We try to restrict visitors, so for tonight I'd prefer it only be one of you."

Olivia and Maureen looked at one another and Maureen nodded, "You stay," she whispered. "I'll take the kids home and wait for Dickie and Lizzie." Then she looked questioningly at her, "Unless you'd rather go home and get some sleep. You need to keep your strength up, for the baby."

"I'm not getting any sleep tonight," Olivia sighed. "I'd rather stay." She put her hand to her stomach and sighed, "I promise I'll rest as much as I can. I'm not going to let your father _or_ this baby down."

"Is there anything else we can do?" Maureen asked the doctor. "Anything to help him?"

"If you believe in prayer…you can do that," the doctor replied. Then he stood up and opened the door, waiting for them to leave the room. "Call if you have questions, and I'll keep you updated as well."

Olivia and Maureen walked out the door, and noticed right away that Nick had returned with Kate and Noah. Kate ran to them, "Mommy…where's Poppy?" she asked as Maureen picked her up.

"He's here baby," Maureen forced a smile. "But he's sick right now. The doctors are making him better."

"I want to see him," she put her head on her mother's shoulder and Maureen stroked the toddler's hair.

"Not right now," she said gently. "Me, you, and Noah are going to go home and wait for Auntie Liz and Uncle Richard…okay?" The little girl nodded, happy to have the chance to see her aunt and uncle, and Maureen looked at Olivia, "Call me…if there's any change…please…"

"I will," Olivia promised as she hugged her and kissed Kate on the cheek. The she took her sleeping son from Nick and kissed him softly, "Daddy's gonna be fine," she made a promise she wasn't sure she could keep.

"I'll help Maureen get the kids in the car. I'll be right back," Nick said and he carried Noah behind Maureen.

Olivia sat back down, not sure what to do now that she was all alone. She wished they'd come out and tell her they had moved Elliot to ICU so she could see him, but she knew it could be hours. The smell of old, burnt coffee filled the room, something she couldn't drink even if she wanted to and she dug around in her purse looking for change for the soda machine. Surely there would be something caffeine free in there. She walked down the hall, stopping to look at the selection and pushing the button, grabbing the can of Sprite and opening it, taking a big drink. She noticed two police officers, talking with Dr. Myrobi and she could tell from their hushed tones they were talking about Elliot. Her instincts kicked in, knowing the doctor would tell the police more than he was telling her, and she positioned herself around the corner so she could hear better, hoping they wouldn't notice her.

"So when will you know if he will recover?" a tall officer with sandy hair asked.

"There is no way to know," the doctor insisted. "Like I told his family…it could be a long road."

"We have the shooter in custody," the shorter, dark haired officer added. "If he dies, this guy's facing murder charges."

"Stupid security guards," the sandy haired officer snickered. "You give 'em a gun and they think they can take on anything. If he would've just taken the shot…it's really his own fault this happened. He's lucky no one else was hurt."

Olivia listened to them and she couldn't believe they were talking about Elliot. He was the bravest man she knew and there was no way this was his fault. She watched as the officers thanked the doctor and then headed toward the door. They walked right past her, and she couldn't stop herself from calling to them, "Excuse me…" she flashed her badge and tried to sound like a professional instead of a woman grieving over the love of her life. "I couldn't help but overhear. You were checking on the victim of the bank robbery shooting right?" she asked. "Did I hear you say this was all his fault?"

The sandy-haired officer looked at her seriously, "The guy had a chance to take the robber down," he said. "He didn't. He froze…he didn't even grab his gun."

"There must have been a reason," Olivia insisted.

"None that we could see on the surveillance video," the dark-haired officer argued. "These damn rent-a-cops shouldn't even have guns. I can't tell you how many times I've seen them freeze under pressure. They don't have the training…"

"Elliot Stabler isn't a _rent-a-cop_," Olivia sputtered. "He's a decorated police officer, retired after twenty years of service with the NYPD. If he didn't take the shot, he had a reason…"

"And who are _you_ exactly?" the sandy-haired officer asked. "What is your interest in this anyway? Did our captain send you over here?"

"I'm Olivia Benson," she said, not wanting to reveal why she was there. "Commanding Officer of Manhattan's SVU."

The dark-haired officer laughed, "Well I can guarantee this isn't a sex crime. What the hell do you want with us?"

"Stabler and I are old partners," she said, trying to sound nonchalant. "My unit just wants some closure about what happened. You can help us out, right? Maybe let me take a look at that surveillance video?" she asked.

"Liv," Nick came rushing down the hall. "I wondered where you disappeared to. The nurse came out and said they are ready for you to go see Elliot."

Her eyes widened, "Nick Amaro…these are the officers investigating the shooting. They have some video footage they want to share with us. I told them we were wanting to help since Stabler used to be a detective in our unit. If I go see him…can you get the video and we'll watch it later?"

"Liv…" he knew she was going to get them into a lot of trouble, but he also knew he'd do the same thing if it was the person he loved. "Yeah…I'll get it and you go see Elliot." He watched as she walked down the hall.

"Your C.O. is crazy," the dark-haired officer looked at Nick shaking his head. "We told her this Stabler guy was to blame for this, and she insists there had to be some other explanation. You're welcome to a copy of the footage, but you'll just see we're right. He didn't do anything to protect the customers or employees in that bank and he probably got himself killed."

Elliot was in bed, his eyes closed and his face blank of all emotion when Olivia walked in. His head was bandaged and Olivia couldn't count the number of tubes violating his body. But he looked like he was asleep, the way he looked when she would sometimes wake up in the middle of the night and stare at him, not quite believing he was in bed with her. She sat in the chair next to his bed and she watched his chest rise and fall as oxygen was being pumped into it through extra tubes. She wondered if he could breathe on his own or if those tubes were his only lifeline. She made a mental note to ask. "El…" she whispered. She wanted to cry, but she couldn't let herself. She wasn't sure he could hear her, but she thought he could, and she didn't want him to hear her cry. His body didn't need that stress. "You have to get better…so you can wake up. We miss you." She put her hand to her stomach as the baby moved and she sighed, "The kids need you. I need you…" she brushed away the tears that had escaped and sniffled a little. "I don't know what happened," she said softly, "But I know you did everything you could to protect those people…and yourself…I _know_ that. And I'm going to prove it. I promise you that."


	63. Chapter 63

Olivia walked into the ICU waiting room, physically drained from her visit with Elliot. She had spent the last hour talking to him, willing herself not to cry, and now her whole body was encompassed with a painful ache of sorrow. She saw Fin, sitting in the corner and he looked at her, standing and rushing to her side, pulling her into a strong embrace and she cried, unable to stop herself. He didn't say anything to her, but just held her and she wasn't sure how long it was before she felt ready to pull away from the hug and face him, but when she did she realized Nick was gone and that was the first thing she asked about. "What happened to Nick?" she sniffled.

"He left here with a couple of officers…said you told him to get some surveillance video from them," he looked seriously at her. "He'll be back in a while."

"Why are you here?" she asked, grateful for his comforting presence but worried that no one was covering the precinct. "Who is back at the station?"

"It's been slow today," he promised. "Rollins is there with some unis…they'll be fine until I get back. Or I can send Nick back to help too. Don't worry about it." He squeezed her hand, "How are you doing?"

Olivia shrugged, "I don't know," she brushed away her tears. "I feel like this isn't really happening…"

"I know," he pulled her over to a chair, motioning for her to sit. Then he placed another chair in front of her, "Put your feet up," he insisted. "You need to rest."

She wanted to argue, but she knew he was right. She was exhausted and her feet and back were killing her. She grabbed her coat, balling it up and putting it behind her back as a makeshift pillow and put her feet up on the extra chair, closing her eyes for a minute. "When do you think Nick will be back with the surveillance footage?" she asked.

Fin sat next to her, "I don't know, but are you sure you really want to see it? I'm not sure it's a good idea."

She opened her eyes and looked at him, "I have to know," she said. "Those cops think Elliot didn't do anything while that guy was shooting up the bank. I can't believe that…"

"Liv, you know things are different now," Fin said gently. "Maybe he just couldn't…"

"No!" she yelled. "Don't tell me that you think he just stood there while some thug tried to kill innocent people…while the guy tried to kill _him_. He wouldn't do that. He wouldn't leave me or this baby…not if he could prevent it."

"Okay," he knew better than to argue with her. She didn't need the added stress. "How was he doing…when you were in his room?"

Olivia shook her head, "He was…just…there." She looked scared and Fin regretted asking her. "I talked to him, but I don't know if he heard me."

"He did," Fin promised. "I'm sure he did."

Nick walked in the room and they both turned to look at him, "Did you get it?" Olivia jumped to her feet and asked eagerly.

Nick nodded, pulling a disc out of his coat pocket. "They made me a copy, but Liv…I don't think you want to see this. I watched it…and I'm sorry…but…"

"I want to see it," she insisted. "I have to see it for myself."

"I think it's too much for you," Nick argued. "There's nothing on here that's going to convince you they were wrong about what happened…and Liv, it's pretty graphic. I don't think it's a good idea for you to watch it."

"You think I haven't seen things that are graphic?" she sputtered angrily. "You couldn't handle half of the things I've seen, let alone lived through in my life, Nick. So don't stand there and act like you need to protect me from this."

"Liv…maybe you should wait until you've had time to think this through," Fin suggested, knowing she wouldn't listen. "This is all so fresh…give it some time."

"I want to see it," she insisted. "I _need_ to see it." She grabbed the disc from Nick and realized she had no way to play it. "I wonder if there is a computer or a DVD player around here?"

"I have my laptop in the car," Fin said, knowing she wouldn't give up until she found a way to watch the footage. "I'll go get it." He walked out of the room and Olivia looked at Nick.

"Thanks for going to get this," she said, sitting back down and staring intently at the silver disc in her hand. "I know you think I shouldn't watch it…but I just have to."

He sat next to her and nodded, "I know…but promise me you won't let what you see on there get you all upset. You are dealing with enough already. And if it gets to be too much, turn it off."

Fin came back in the room, pulling his small computer out of its case and sitting it on the table. Then he took the disc from Olivia and slid it in the slot. "You're sure about this?" he asked one last time and she nodded. "Okay…" he clicked play and the three of them watched carefully.

The footage was grainy, but it was easy to see what was happening. It started out as a typical bank scene. People moving in and out, Elliot smiling at them and making small talk, opening the doors for them as they left. Olivia couldn't help but smile when she watched him. It was only a few short hours ago, and yet seeing him on the screen like that, all she could think about was how still he had been in the hospital bed. "Is he the only guard there?" she asked, looking to see if anyone else was there to help him.

"I think so," Nick replied. "The cops said they were short staffed at the bank today." He watched her stare longingly at the screen, "You want me to fast forward it a bit? It just kind of goes on and on like this for a while."

Olivia didn't answer, but watched as a little girl on the screen walked up to Elliot and said something to him that she couldn't make out since there was no sound. She had long dark hair and big eyes and looked like she couldn't be more than five years old. Elliot knelt down next to her, and the girl smiled as he pulled a lollipop out of his pocket and handed it to her. She remembered Elliot telling her that when he worked security at the bank he mostly held doors for people and gave candy to little kids. She wished that had been all that had happened today.

"Liv…we should fast forward it," Nick insisted again. "Otherwise you're just gonna be watching everyday banking footage."

She watched as the little girl on the screen hugged Elliot and then skipped off toward the tellers' window, and then she nodded for Nick to push fast forward. He stopped it, and looked toward her, "This is where the guy comes in. He has his gun hidden under his coat…"

Elliot opened the door and the man walked in, and Olivia immediately noticed how man was watching Elliot, trying to sum up how dangerous it might be for him to go ahead with his plan. He obviously didn't see Elliot as much of a threat though because he walked to the window and while she couldn't hear what was said, she knew he had waved his gun at one of the tellers who frighteningly let him behind the counter. She could see Elliot…he was yelling something, probably telling people to get down and the look on his face was one of pure terror. She'd seen that look before, and it made her sick to see it now, knowing what was to come.

"We can stop…" Fin said, noticing she was shaking nervously. "You don't have to watch this…"

"Yes I do," she said tearfully. "I promised Elliot I would prove he did everything he could…"

She noticed the customers, falling to the ground trying to protect themselves while Elliot started to walk toward the gunman, but the man frantically waved his gun in the air, shooting out random shots that thankfully didn't hit anyone. Olivia recognized immediately that the man wasn't experienced with hold-ups and with the gun. This was probably some last minute decision by some guy down on his luck, and it made her cringe to think how quickly things could change. Elliot put his hand down, touching his gun briefly and it looked like the gunman was lowering his gun as well…but he yelled out something and then Elliot raised his hands in the air and looked pleadingly at the man. She wished she could understand what they were saying, or clean up the footage enough to read their lips, but she couldn't. Then she watched as Elliot stopped talking and just stood there, hands in the air while the gunman yelled something at him, and a sharp flash on the screen signaled the gunshot, and she watched as the man she loved jolted back, blood splattering all around him as he fell to the ground. His body was shaking violently and blood pooled around his head.

"El…" she whispered. She felt Fin grab her hand and squeeze it, and even though she was out of breath, feeling like she'd never breathe again, she couldn't turn away from the screen.

The gunman ran across the length of the bank, carrying a bag that probably contained less money than he'd bargained for since he never made it to the safe. As he darted out the door, Olivia couldn't take her eyes off of Elliot's body, noticing the shaking was slowing down and knowing he was dying there on that floor. It was a matter of minutes before first responders showed up, moving customers out of the bank, and carrying Elliot out on a stretcher. She noticed the little girl from earlier…staring as they carried Elliot's body out of the bank and she felt awful that the child had been forced to see that.

She looked up when Nick turned off the computer. "There's nothing else to see," he told her. "They grabbed the footage from the camera a few minutes later. It's just more of the police helping people out of the bank." He sighed, "Are you okay?"

Olivia nodded, "He was reaching for his gun…" she said. "There has to be a reason he didn't grab it. There _has_ to be." She cried. "He could've taken that guy out in one shot."

Fin and Nick looked at each other, both knowing from the footage that she was right. As inexperienced as the gunman seemed with his weapon, someone with Elliot's police training could have taken him out easily, but he hadn't. And Olivia didn't seem ready to face the reality of the situation. "Liv…you know he quit being a cop because he shot that girl," Fin reminded her gently. "Maybe he just couldn't do that again."

"He might _die_…" her voice shook. "He might not be here to see our daughter. I can't believe he would choose to leave us rather than shoot his gun at some crazed gunman who was shooting at innocent people. I just can't believe he'd choose that."

"Maybe he didn't _choose_ it," Fin said sadly. "Maybe he had no choice…maybe he just _couldn't_ do it."


	64. Chapter 64

Olivia sat alone in the waiting room, having sent Fin and Nick back home. She knew they would have stayed if she'd asked them to, but really she wanted to be alone. Watching the surveillance footage had been hard, but knowing they agreed with the cops that Elliot had frozen and failed to pull his weapon hurt more than she could have anticipated. No matter what it looked like on the screen, she knew _Elliot_ and the things everyone else thought to be true, just couldn't be…but she'd never be able to convince them of that now. They'd just look at her with pity and try to appease her, and so for now, she'd rather be alone.

She rubbed her hand over her stomach, realizing that she hadn't eaten in hours and suddenly wishing there was something other than the junk filled vending machines or soggy and stale cafeteria food to choose from. Plus her back hurt and she was exhausted. She would've given anything to just lay down for a while. She pulled the chair over that Fin had given her to prop her feet up on earlier and tried to situate herself comfortably, but it didn't work this time. So instead she walked over to the nurses' station and asked for an update on Elliot. They wouldn't let her back in to see him until morning, but they insisted he was doing well with no change, and Olivia remembered her promise to do what was best for both Elliot and her baby, and maybe staying there all night wasn't the best thing.

She called Maureen, and she wasn't surprised when she picked up on the first ring, "Olivia?" she asked. "Is Dad okay?"

"He's doing okay," Olivia said slowly. "They only let me stay with him for an hour, but I check every once in a while for updates and they say he's fine."

"Good," Maureen sounded relieved. "How are you holding up?"

"Uhm…" Olivia wondered if Maureen would think she was failing in her fiancée duties if she said she wanted to leave the hospital, but as the baby moved and she became more and more uncomfortable she knew she had to. "I'm actually thinking I'd like to leave," she admitted. "Maybe get some sleep at the house and come back tomorrow. The baby's just really restless and the chairs here are killing my back…"

"Of course you should come to the house," Maureen said quickly. "Is your friend Nick still there, or do you need someone to come get you?"

"I'm all alone up here," Olivia said. "But I can take a cab or something. I just wanted to make sure you were okay with me leaving your dad here alone? It would be different if they'd let me sit with him…but the waiting room is pointless."

"I'll send Dickie to come get you," Maureen offered. "He and Liz got here about an hour ago. He'll be there in a few minutes."

Olivia hung up the phone and put on her coat. Then she grabbed her purse, checking to make sure she still had the disc with the surveillance video tucked safely inside. She didn't want it to get into the wrong hands and there was no way she wanted Elliot's kids to see it. She walked back to the nurses' station, telling them she was going home for the night but insisting they call her if there was any change, no matter how minor. Then she walked to the door and watched for her ride.

She saw Richard's small red car pull into the parking lot, and pulled her coat around her as she walked outside. It was even colder than it had been earlier in the day. He stopped the car and she reached for the handle, opening the door and slowly lowering herself into the seat, realizing the little sports car was a lot lower to the ground than any vehicle she'd been in lately. "Are you alright?" Richard asked, noticing it wasn't easy for her to get in and wondering if he should have offered to help her.

"Yeah," she nodded, pulling her legs in and closing the door. She put her hand to her stomach, "The baby's just kind of in my way," she sighed. "I feel like a whale trying to cram into this tiny car."

"You're a lot bigger than you were at Christmas," Richard noticed.

"Gee thanks…" Olivia said with a sigh.

"I just mean I can tell you're pregnant now," Richard tried to explain. "Not that you're too big or anything…"

"I know what you meant," Olivia smiled gently. "Thanks for coming to pick me up."

"How's Dad?" Richard asked. "Maureen said he might be in a coma for months…is that true?"

Olivia nodded, "I hope he'll wake up sooner," she said. "He's doing okay though. The doctor says the coma is helping his brain heal, so it's really a good thing. I know he wouldn't want you worrying."

"How can I not worry?" Richard asked. "You know…Dad and I…we haven't always had the best relationship. I just don't want to think about losing him before I have the chance to make things right…before I get to tell him I love him."

Olivia looked at him and smiled gently, "He knows you love him," she promised. "And he loves you…so much…"

Richard nodded, and changed the subject, "Do you need to go anywhere before we go home?" he asked. "Liz asked me to pick her up something for dinner. We haven't eaten yet and it's so late."

"I would _love_ to get food," Olivia said eagerly. "I'm starving."

Richard laughed, "My little sister has quite an appetite, huh?"

"I think she's just mad because I haven't fed her in a while," Olivia smiled. "She likes to eat throughout the day and I haven't eaten since noon."

They pulled into the fast food restaurant, ordering food and paying for it. Then they headed toward the house and Richard watched as Olivia grabbed fries from her bag, nibbling on them as they made their way home. "Olivia," he said seriously and she turned to look at him, swallowing her fries and taking a sip of her orange soda. "My dad…he _really_ loves you…he always has."

"I know that," she nodded.

"Do you remember when I was in high school, and I asked you if you were sleeping with him?" he asked. "You said no…but were you? It was a long time ago…and I'm adult now…I get that things like that happen…"

"Dickie…I mean _Richard_…" she looked sadly at him. "The first time I slept with your father…" she couldn't believe she was having this conversation with him, but she knew he needed to hear the truth, "Was the night we conceived this baby."

"_Really_?" he asked.

She nodded, "I loved him…I always have…but he would never have cheated on your mom, and I wouldn't have let him."

He pulled the car into the driveway, not saying anything else. He believed her, and he was glad she'd told him, but he wasn't sure how to reply, so he didn't. He walked around the passenger side, opening the door and offering her his hand to help her out. "Thanks," she said and they both grabbed the bags from the restaurant and went inside to eat.

Later that night, as she lay alone in Elliot's bed, Olivia couldn't help but think about how much her life had changed in one short day. That morning, when she'd playfully kissed him and begged him to stay in bed with her longer, she'd had no idea she'd be spending the night alone in his bedroom at the house in Queens. She'd never been there without him, and as tired as she was, she couldn't fall asleep. She thought about going to Kate's room and getting Noah, letting her son cuddle with her for the night, but he was sound asleep after such a trying day and she was afraid to wake him. So she stared around the dark room and let her mind wander until she couldn't take it anymore. She sat up, grabbing Elliot's laptop from the nightstand and turning it on. Then she grabbed the surveillance disc from her purse and put it in, watching the footage once more.

"What did I miss?" she whispered, watching again as Elliot smiled and waved to customers. Watching the time stamp, she could tell the bank was practically empty at nine, but more people started to filter in by ten, the time when Elliot was talking to the little girl with the dark hair. Knowing that was the point where Nick had fast-forwarded the footage, she decided to watch the whole thing this time, just in case. She saw the little girl skip over to the tellers' window and wondered which person she was with in line, but then the girl seemed to disappear in the crowd. She watched another hour of people coming and going, of Elliot handing out lollipops to little kids and holding doors for old ladies and she wondered how he managed not to go crazy. Then finally the gunman came in and she watched the entire scene unfold for the second time that day. She took a deep breath as she watched Elliot fall to the ground…as she saw his body shaking painfully. The time stamp was 11:23…and she knew she'd never be able to get that time out of her mind…the time her whole life changed once again…the time that could have left her children without a father…something that might still happen despite the doctor's best efforts to save him. Then she watched as the paramedics took him out on the stretcher and police helped the customers out of the bank…and she watched sadly as the little girl cried watching them carry Elliot away. She let it play, knowing Nick had stopped it there…but all she saw was more police officers and a few people running around, and a woman picking up the little girl and carrying her out…and then it hit her. Why was the little girl still at the bank more than an hour after Elliot had given her the lollipop? Tons of customers had come and gone in that time, but the little girl was still there.

She rewound the footage a little, looking carefully at the woman who had picked up the girl and she didn't remember seeing her walk in. Now that she thought about it…she didn't remember seeing the little girl come in either. She rewound it more, back to the part where the gunman came in and she studied his every move. He went to the window, waving his gun and one of the tellers let him behind the counter and he pushed the tellers out, forcing them to lay on the ground. Elliot walked toward him and he started shooting the gun randomly, not hitting anyone or anything. Then she saw Elliot reach for his gun and the gunman lowered his, yelling…and that was when she noticed the movement behind the counter…a flash of something barely reaching the top of the counter and she knew he wasn't lowering the gun…he was pointing it. He yelled something at Elliot and Elliot put his hands in the air, pleading with him. She'd thought originally that Elliot had been begging for his own life, but she knew now he was trying to convince him not to shoot the person on the floor behind the counter. And as he stood with his hands in the air, the gunman shot him and he fell to the ground and she watched as the gunman ran across the bank and out the door.

She made herself take her eyes off of Elliot…something she hadn't been able to do the other times she'd watched and she stared at the room instead, trying to make out anything that could help her, and that was when she saw what she needed to see. The little girl, peeking her head around the corner of the counter and then sliding out and standing next to a woman, still down on the floor. And as the police poured into the room hiding most of what was happening with the sheer numbers of uniformed officers filling the screen, she watched the little girl cry as they took Elliot out on the stretcher and the woman pick her up and carry her out, and then she recognized the woman as one of the tellers forced to lay on the floor while the gunman took control.

She couldn't stop her tears from falling as she put her hand to her mouth and stared in disbelief at the screen. Elliot hadn't let the man shoot up the bank…he hadn't let him shoot him just because he froze and couldn't pull his weapon. He was trying to save the little girl. There was no doubt in her mind…and while she didn't know why the girl was behind the counter, she knew the gunman had pointed his gun at her and threatened to kill her if Elliot had drawn his gun. He had almost died because he was trying to protect a child…and the fact that everyone else seemed to think it was because he had been too afraid to shoot made her sick and angry, but she was relieved too because she knew she could clear his name. But first, she had to go to the bank…get the full story from the people who were there. She felt the baby kick, harder than usual and put her hand gently to her stomach, "Your daddy didn't do anything wrong," she whispered to the baby. "And I can prove it." Then she turned off the computer and pulled the covers up under her chin and fell asleep.


	65. Chapter 65

Olivia stood outside the bank, trying to calm her nerves. She hadn't slept much the night before, and when she woke up she was sick enough that she'd ended up huddled over the toilet in Elliot's bathroom for an hour, even though she'd rarely suffered more than moderate queasiness for the past month. She figured it probably had more to do with the stress she was under than with the pregnancy, but she felt miserable and even now she had to take a few deep breaths to try to settle her stomach. She stood there, dressed in a pair of gray sweat pants and one of Elliot's Marine Corps t-shirts, the only thing she could find in his room that would come close to fitting her since she'd thrown her own clothes in the washing machine, and she tried to muster enough courage to walk into that bank. She had to do it, but it scared her.

Maureen and Richard had gone to the hospital to check on Elliot and Olivia had called early to check on him, the nurse assuring her that he was doing the same as yesterday. Elizabeth had agreed to watch Noah and Kate for a while because even though she was worried about her father, she was scared to go to the hospital right now. She wanted to go with Olivia later and since they could only go in two at a time, it made sense for her to wait. Olivia didn't want the kids to know anything about what the police had said about their father…about the shooting…and she certainly didn't want them to know about the surveillance footage or they'd ask to watch it and after seeing it herself, she didn't want to put them through that. So she told Elizabeth she was running to the store to pick up a few things for Noah and herself so they could get by without heading back to the city and she made a mental note to do that when she finished at the bank.

She pulled open the door to the bank, and the security guard smiled at her and held the door the rest of the way. She assumed he was probably one of the men who had called in sick the day before, forcing Elliot to fill in and she wondered if things had been different if this man would be lying unconscious in a hospital bed instead, but she shook that thought from her mind. It wasn't worth it to think about what could've been. She'd never been to that bank before, but she recognized everything from the surveillance footage. She looked intently at the spot where she had watched Elliot fall to the ground, where the blood had pooled around his head, and she felt her body shake a little as goosebumps covered her skin. Then she looked at the tellers, trying to find the one from the video, but it was obvious she wasn't there.

"Excuse me, ma'am…" A man in a dark suit walked up to her. "Can I help you with something?"

She looked at him, pulling her badge out and showing it to him, "I'd like to speak with the manager," she said.

"I'm the manager," he replied. "Is this about the robbery yesterday?" She nodded and he motioned for her to join him in his office, "Such a tragedy," he whispered. Olivia sat across from his desk and the manager to his seat, looking her over. "You don't look like a cop," he said seriously. "Can I see your badge again?"

Olivia took it out and let him stare at it for a few minutes, "I'm working undercover," she tried to explain the sweats and t-shirt, but he didn't look convinced.

"I don't think you're supposed to tell people when you're undercover," the manager said. "What is this really about?"

"The security guard who was shot yesterday," Olivia began.

"Elliot Stabler…" the manager said sadly. "He's a good guy. Didn't work here often, but when he did the customers and employees loved him. I hope he pulls through…I really do…"

"He's my fiancé," Olivia admitted. "We have a little boy, he's not even two and this baby is due in a few months…" She tried to keep herself from tearing up.

"I'm so sorry…" the manager said sadly.

"The police think he froze," she continued. "That he wasn't able to protect the people here because of it and ended up causing himself to be shot…I just need to know what really happened yesterday."

The manager shook his head, "I wasn't here," he admitted. "I took the day off because my daughter had a field trip at school and I volunteered to supervise it. I'm sorry…"

Olivia nodded and pulled some papers out of her purse. They were pictures she had screen capped from the surveillance video. "Do you know this little girl?" she asked, showing the picture of Elliot handing the child a lollipop.

The manager looked at the picture and shrugged, "It might be Sarah…Margaret Gomez's little girl. She's one of the tellers. I don't know why she would've been here yesterday though."

"Was Margaret working yesterday?" Olivia asked.

"Sure…she works every day. Not today…I let the tellers from yesterday stay home today. It's too much to expect them to come back already," he sighed. "Do you think Margaret has something to do with this?"

"No," Olivia insisted. "But I'd like to talk to her. I think maybe she knows the truth about what happened. I can't believe Elliot froze…he was my partner for twelve years and I've never seen him freeze in the line of duty. I'd just like to talk to her…"

"I'll have to call her," he said. "See if she's okay with me giving you her address." Olivia waited while he made the call and when he hung up he wrote the address on a piece of paper and slid it across the desk to her. "Good luck," he said. "And I really do hope Elliot wakes up soon and recovers."

"Thanks," she forced a weak smile and headed to the door.

Thirty minutes later she pulled up in front of Margaret Gomez's house. It was a small duplex, and Margaret lived on one side with her young daughter. Olivia knocked on the door, and a short woman with dark hair answered it. She recognized her from the surveillance video, "Are you Mrs. Gomez?" she asked and the woman nodded and motioned for her to come inside. The room was small, toys scattered all over, and the TV was blaring some courtroom reality show.

The woman sat on the couch, tossing a few toys off onto the floor. "Have a seat," she said, her voice horse and dry. "My boss said you needed to talk to me about yesterday."

Olivia nodded, "My name is Olivia," she said gently. "And Elliot…you know him…" the woman nodded. "He's my fiancé."

"I'm so sorry," Margaret said, tears stinging her eyes. She looked at Olivia's stomach and then back to her eyes, "Your baby…I'm so sorry…"

Olivia cleared her throat, "The doctor thinks he might be okay. He's in a coma…but when he wakes up he could be just fine." She put her hand to her stomach, "I know he wants to see this baby…so I believe he'll be alright."

"He was always so nice to my Sarah," Margaret smiled. "He would be a good daddy."

Olivia smiled, "He already is. He has several kids...and he has a little granddaughter too. And they love him…they want to know what happened yesterday."

The woman shook her head, "That man…he came in. He had a gun and he made us all lay down on the floor. He started shooting," she cried. "We all thought we were going to die."

"What about Elliot?" Olivia asked. "The police say he never drew his weapon. Do you know why?"

"I don't know," the woman said. "My face was to the floor."

"Margaret…" Olivia knew the woman was keeping something from her. "Where was Sarah yesterday?"

"I don't know what you mean," the woman lied.

"I saw her…on the surveillance footage," Olivia explained. "I know she was at the bank. Where was she when the gunman started shooting? Was she behind the counter with him?"

"I am not supposed to bring her with me," Margaret said seriously. "I could get fired."

"If Elliot dies," Olivia said sadly. "I want to be able to tell my kids that their father died a hero…not a coward who couldn't pull his weapon when the situation was heated."

"He was _not_ a coward," Margaret insisted.

"Just tell me the truth about what happened…_please_," Olivia asked.

"My daughter was with me yesterday," Margaret admitted. "I am not supposed to bring her, but she had a slight fever and I couldn't send her to school. She was fine, but they would have called me to come get her and I couldn't afford to call in sick or leave early. So I took her and told her she had to stay behind the counter with her coloring books. The other tellers don't mind. Some of them have done it before too. Our manager was gone for the day, so no one had to know," she sighed. "Elliot…he knew Sarah was there. He let her come over and talk with him. He asked her about school…how she liked kindergarten and he gave her candy. He told her after lunch he would give her another lollipop if she was a good girl all morning."

"What happened when the gunman came in?" Olivia asked.

"The man, he came to the counter…waved his gun around. Julie…one of the tellers…she opened the little door and let him behind the counter. I tried to grab Sarah, but he pushed us out and made us lay on the ground. I could hear Sarah crying…and he yelled at her. Then Elliot came over, told him to calm down and the man started shooting. Elliot must have reached for his gun, because the man started yelling at him to get his hands off of the gun and put them in the air or he'd shoot my little girl. She screamed, and Elliot kept telling him to calm down, that he wouldn't shoot but he needed to let Sarah go. He kept saying Sarah didn't have to die, that the man could still have his money and leave, but the man just shot him. At first, I thought he shot Sarah, but when I looked up I could see Elliot falling to the ground, and then the man ran out." Margaret looked up at Olivia, "I'm so sorry…"

"Thanks for telling me," Olivia cried. "I knew he was doing all he could…and I'm glad your daughter is okay. How is she doing after all this?"

"She's scared," Margaret answered sadly. "She's in her room. Would you like to meet her?"

"Of course," Olivia smiled.

Margaret walked out of the room and came back a few minutes later, holding the little girl's hand. "Sarah…this is Olivia. She came to meet you."

"Hi Sarah," Olivia said gently, and she wanted to cry meeting the little girl Elliot had nearly died trying to save. "It's so nice to meet you."

"My mama says you know Mr. Elliot," the little girl said sadly. "Is he okay? Is he gonna die?"

"I think he's going to be fine," Olivia smiled. "And I know he'll be happy to know you're okay."

"That man shot him because I screamed," the girl cried. "I didn't mean to…"

"No…honey," Olivia said sadly. "The man shot him because he was a bad man. It had nothing to do with you…I promise."

"Mr. Elliot said his wife is going to have a baby girl soon. He said he hoped she'd look like me cause her mommy has dark hair and eyes like mine," the little girl smiled. "Are you his wife?"

Olivia nodded, "Yeah…and I bet my little girl will look a lot like you." She couldn't help but wonder if Elliot had been thinking of that as he tried to save the little girl that day. "Sarah…I want you to know…I am so glad you're okay." The little girl reached out and hugged her, and as Olivia held her close, there was no doubt in her mind that Elliot would wake up soon and be fine.


	66. Chapter 66

"Can he hear us?" Elizabeth asked as she walked toward the ICU with Olivia. "If I talk to him, will he know it's me?"

Olivia smiled, "I don't know for sure…but I like to think he can hear us. All we can do is stay positive around him and hope he knows."

"I'm scared," Elizabeth's voice shook as she stood outside the door. "Maureen said he looks bad. That his face is all purple and bruised and the machines beep and make you think he's dying…"

"Honey," Olivia put her arm around her. "If you don't want to go in, he would understand. It is scary to see him like that…but I promise you, it's better to see it for yourself than to just imagine it. When you let your imagination run wild, it always seems much worse than it really is."

"Will you hold my hand?" Elizabeth asked, feeling like a little girl instead of a grown woman.

"Of course," Olivia reached out and grabbed her hand. "And if you need to leave, it's okay."

They walked into the room and Olivia immediately noticed the bruising Maureen had mentioned. It was much worse than it had been the day before, but the doctor assured them it was normal after the pressure from the bullet and then the trauma of surgery. She looked at Elizabeth who was squeezing her hand as tight as she could, and she nodded, "It's okay…" Olivia whispered. "Just talk to him."

"Daddy…" Elizabeth's voice was childlike and she couldn't remember the last time she had called him "daddy," but for some reason it felt right. "It's me…Lizzie…" Elliot lay perfectly still and Elizabeth searched his body for any sign of life, but she didn't find one. "I love you," she whispered. "Please wake up…" Olivia sat in the chair next to the bed, still holding tight to Elizabeth's hand. Elizabeth looked at her, "I don't think he can hear me," she cried.

"Liz…when he wakes up…he's gonna know you were here," Olivia promised. "Just talk to him...about anything. About school maybe..."

"I can't do this," Elizabeth cried. "Can I just wait in the waiting room? I'm sorry…"

"Its okay, honey," Olivia squeezed her hand. "He knows you were here. Go ahead and wait outside. I'm gonna stay for the whole hour though if you don't mind."

"No…I understand. You should stay. I'll be outside when you're ready to go." Elizabeth looked at her father, "Bye Daddy…I love you." Then she walked out the door.

Olivia took a deep breath, and looked at Elliot watching his chest rise and fall unsteadily and listening to the monitors beeping around him. She didn't blame Elizabeth for wanting to leave. It was frightening to watch, but she wasn't giving up even one second she could spend with him. She missed him, so much it hurt, and she knew there was still a chance she could lose him. She wanted to spend every second she could with him while she had the chance.

"El…" she said softly. "I met Sarah today." She smiled softly, "I know you were trying to save her…and you did…you saved that little girl's life. So…" she felt the tears burning in her eyes and tried her best not to succumb to them. "So I know why you didn't pull your gun and shoot…and it's okay. You did the right thing." She leaned over, touching his hand gently. She was afraid to touch him, afraid she'd somehow cause more damage to his frail body…but she couldn't stand _not_ touching him anymore. She ran her finger delicately along his hand and the warmth of his skin was more comforting that she could have imagined. "Sarah said you told her our baby girl might look like her," she smiled. "That she'd probably have dark hair and eyes…like me. But El…I want this little girl to look just like you…a little piece of you that I'll always have with me…" she couldn't hold back her tears anymore and she quickly sniffled and wiped them away. So much for staying positive. He didn't need her breaking down right now. He needed her to be strong.

She sat back in the chair, pulling herself away from his warm touch, and pulled the baby-name book out of her bag, "We need to choose her name, El," she cleared her throat, knowing to an outsider that it would look ridiculous that she was sitting there having a one-sided conversation while he was comatose, but she needed the normalcy of talking to him, and in her heart she knew he could hear her. Talking to him was going to heal his brain faster, and he was going to wake up. Maybe not today…but soon. "You highlighted a dozen names in here, El…" she said as she read some of them off. "Emma…that one's kind of pretty. According to the book it means 'the whole universe.' I guess that fits her." She laughed a little "Abigail…that one means 'father's joy'" she smiled. "Is that why you chose it?" She put her hand softly on her stomach. "She was kicking last night…really hard…I think she missed you." She looked back at the book, "You highlighted Olivia?" she asked. "No…no way…I am not naming this baby after myself." She went on like that, reading off the names he had highlighted in the book, talking about the meanings, not really paying close enough attention to choose one she liked, but wanting him to hear her voice. "You need to wake up, so you can tell me which name you like the best." She sighed. "I don't want to choose her name by myself, El."

She knew her time was almost up and she put the book back in her bag. "I have to go now," she whispered sadly. "The doctor doesn't want you having visitors for too long. He wants you to rest." She put her hand carefully on his once again, and wished he'd give some sign that he felt her touch. "Besides," she put her other hand on the swell of her stomach, "Your daughter is bouncing up and down on my bladder. So much for the doctor saying she might not move much," She leaned over, kissing him gently on the cheek, knowing she probably shouldn't be touching him like that, but unable to stop herself. "Please wake up…" she whispered close to his ear. "Please…we _need_ you…"


	67. Chapter 67

Nine days…it seemed almost unbelievable and if she hadn't been living it each and every one of those days she probably wouldn't believe it herself. But here it was, nine days after the shooting and Elliot wasn't awake…he wasn't even showing signs of waking up…and as hard as it was to face, Olivia knew things might not get better. She tried to stay strong for the kids, but at night when she was alone in Elliot's bed, all she could do was cry. She missed him more than she could begin to describe and going on each and every day without him was more painful than she could ever have imagined. She tried to be happy when Noah learned to say 'baby' and patted her belly the day before, but in the back of her mind she could only think of how Elliot had missed it. And two days ago when Kate had gone the entire day without asking where her Poppy was for the very first time since the shooting, Olivia's heart broke a little. Even Eli was doing okay, spending all of his time with Kathy and Paul. He knew his dad was sick, but since he wasn't involved in the day to day experience it didn't seem to affect him other than the occasional phone call Olivia would get when he came home from school asking when he would get to visit his dad, and she was always positive with him and promised him he'd see him as soon as he woke up and for now he was content with that. The kids were so small, and they were adjusting to life without him…even when she couldn't.

And while the little ones were adjusting, Maureen, Elizabeth, and Richard were not. Maureen was angry and spent most of her time cleaning out the kitchen cupboards and the hall closets. Richard tried keeping himself busy by bringing Kate's old crib downstairs and setting it up in his father's bedroom so Noah could sleep in there with Olivia, but once he'd finished that he had nothing to do and ended up spending all of his time on the computer researching traumatic brain injuries and taking notes on different things doctors could do to speed up the healing process, but most of what he found only added to his fear that his father might never wake up or that when he did he wouldn't be the same man he had been before the shooting, and sharing those findings with his sisters caused them to either cry or get angry and a fight would ensue. And Elizabeth cried every day when they came back from the hospital, still unable to spend more than a few minutes in her father's room and her brother and sister were not very supportive, telling her she needed to grow up and face her fears for their father's sake…but Olivia did her best to diffuse the situation whenever it would arise and tried to assure Elizabeth that she had to take care of herself as well and that her dad would understand. Being strong for the kids when she was falling apart inside was the hardest part of all of this…and some days Olivia wasn't sure she would make it through. Nine days…nine God-awful days…and tomorrow would be day ten…and there was nothing she could do about it.

That morning, before they went to the hospital she had talked to Richard and Elizabeth about going back to school. They'd already missed too much, and there was no guarantee that Elliot would wake up any time soon. She hoped that if they left, went back to their college lives and friends, that maybe they could find a sense of normalcy and the constant fear and arguing could be put aside for them. At first they'd said no, but after a little convincing they both agreed they needed to catch up on school work and they could drive the two hours back to Queens if they needed to. So, they agreed to leave on Sunday afternoon and Olivia was grateful. She loved them, and she'd be strong for them from afar, but having two less people in the house was bound to be easier on everyone.

And now, Olivia was driving Elliot's jeep into Manhattan…the first time she'd been back home since the day Nick drove her to the hospital, and she wasn't sure how to react. She'd brought Elizabeth with her, mostly because the girl needed time away from her brother and sister, and also because Olivia wanted to get her own car and drive it back to Queens and needed someone to drive Elliot's jeep back. She wouldn't have gone back to Manhattan at all, except she had a doctor's appointment she couldn't miss, but now that she was on her way she felt the familiarity of home and realized how much she'd missed it. "I'm going to stop by my apartment," she looked at Elizabeth who was staring out the window. "I should get some more clothes for me and Noah…maybe some of his toys. And I need to check my mail." Nine days…she had left her life behind for nine days…and she didn't know how many more lay ahead.

"Are you going back to work?" Elizabeth asked.

Olivia shook her head, "Not now," she sighed. "I have a lot of time saved up. I might just take my maternity leave early. I have to put our family first."

"You miss it though, right?" Elizabeth asked. "I know you do."

"Yeah…but I need to be with all of you right now," Olivia said honestly. "And I need to be there to take care of your dad when he wakes up."

"Do you think he will?" Elizabeth asked sadly. "Really? Because sometimes I feel like he's already gone."

"Lizzie," Olivia pulled up in front of her apartment. "I know he's going to wake up. I don't doubt that…I just don't know when."

They walked into the apartment, and Olivia looked around at her things and remembered the last time she'd been there. Elliot had left early, and she'd spent the morning playing with Noah and getting him ready for the day before Maureen arrived and she left for work. The apartment felt so different now…seemed so empty…and it gave her chills. She packed up some things quickly, tossing them in a bag, and then walked into the kitchen where Elizabeth was looking at an ultrasound photo Olivia had hung on the refrigerator after her last appointment. "Are you ready?" Olivia asked. "You can drive your dad's jeep back to Queens and I'll grab my car and go to the doctor. Then I'll meet you at home later."

"This is the baby, huh?" Elizabeth smiled. "Do they let you see her every time?"

Olivia nodded, "Yeah…because the pregnancy is high risk and they need to monitor her heart and her growth pattern. I guess in some ways that's lucky because I know other parents don't get to see their baby as often."

"Could I go?" Elizabeth asked. "Please…I'd like to see her."

"Sure," Olivia smiled. "If you want to."

Half an hour later they were heading into the perinatologists office. Olivia checked in at the desk and then Elizabeth sat next to her in the waiting room. "Does Dad usually come with you?" she asked.

Olivia shook her head, "No…our schedules are so busy and it's just easier for me to come by myself most of the time." She sighed, wishing that Elliot had made it to more appointments. He'd come to some, but they'd both agreed it didn't make sense for him to take time off to drive in from Queens every two weeks, and that he'd start coming to all of the appointments when she was in the third trimester and things might change quickly with the pregnancy, but now she wondered if she'd missed out on the chance to share this experience with him. "I have to come every two weeks because they need to monitor her, and he just couldn't take off work each time. A couple of times I was in the hospital though and he saw her then and heard her heart beat. He loved that."

Elizabeth nodded, "I'm really excited about this baby, Olivia." She whispered. "She's a part of Dad that we can all hold onto."

Olivia wanted to remind her once again that her father was going to be okay, but she didn't. Elizabeth obviously wasn't going to accept that and Olivia couldn't force her to. The nurse called her name and they followed her back. Olivia cringed at her weight when she glanced at the scale, not sure how she'd managed to gain six pounds in the last two weeks, embarrassed when the nurse looked at her with disapproval. Then she followed the nurse into the exam room where she took her blood pressure and told her it was a little high for the second appointment in a row. Then she handed her a gown and told her the doctor would be in shortly. Olivia turned her back to Elizabeth, changing into the gown and then climbed up on the exam table.

"Do you like your doctor?" Elizabeth asked. "That nurse seems like a grouch."

Olivia laughed a little, "This is the high-risk pregnancy doctor, and I like him. As for the nurse, she's just doing her job…reminding me that I'm too fat and I need to work on getting my blood pressure down."

"You're not too fat," Elizabeth smiled. "Stabler babies are always big."

Olivia rubbed her hand over her stomach and sighed, "She's not that big," she sighed. "I just like to eat a lot…and sometimes your dad force-feeds me cheeseburgers." She laughed.

"Yeah, I'm sure that's it…" Elizabeth laughed as the doctor walked in.

"Olivia, good to see you," he smiled and looked toward Elizabeth. "Who is this?"

"This is my step-daughter, Lizzie," Olivia smiled. "She wants to see her baby sister today."

"Well, she can do that in just a little bit," the doctor smiled and read through her chart. "So, twenty-three weeks today…how are you feeling?"

"Okay," Olivia answered.

"How has your nausea been? Last time you said it was getting better?" he asked.

Olivia nodded, "Yeah…it was anyway. I've been kind of stressed lately though and I've gotten sick a few times."

"Well, your blood pressure is a little high too," the doctor sighed, "We want to stay on top of that. Any swelling or headaches?"

Olivia sighed, "Swelling…a little…mostly at night after I've been standing all day. And headaches are an everyday thing…but we've been dealing with a lot. My fiancé was hurt…a little over a week ago…he's in a coma and I spend most of my time just trying to keep things afloat while we wait for him to wake up…" Suddenly she realized she was crying and Elizabeth was staring at her. She took a deep breath, "I'm sorry…I don't know why I just had that little outburst."

"Sounds like you have every reason to have an outburst," the doctor said gently. "You're under a lot of stress right now…we just want to make sure it isn't affecting the baby." He had her lay back while he did the exam and took some measurements. "You're measuring a little bigger than you should be today," he said seriously.

Olivia sighed, "Well I've gained six more pounds. I'm really trying not to gain so much…"

"No…I don't think that's it," the doctor said. "I'll check with the ultrasound, but I'm guessing we are dealing with an issue with the amniotic fluid."

"What?" Olivia asked nervously. "Is the baby okay?"

"Let's do the ultrasound and we'll take a look," the doctor said gently. "Don't worry yet. We'll see what's going on and then go from there."

Elizabeth held Olivia's hand while the doctor squirted the cold gel on her stomach. "I'm sure she's fine, Olivia," Elizabeth smiled.

The doctor moved the transducer carefully across her abdomen and Olivia cringed a little at the cold pressure. He looked seriously at the screen and then smiled, "There she is…her growth is on track this week."

"What's wrong?" Olivia asked. "I can tell something is wrong…"

The doctor shook his head, "No…she's fine," he insisted taking some more measurements on the screen and writing on the chart. "Her heart still looks normal…and that's good. We'd normally see a problem by twenty-three weeks if there was one. I can't promise we won't discover something later…but for now, she looks perfectly healthy."

"Thank God," Olivia sighed, looking at Elizabeth. "What do you think of your little sister?"

"She's beautiful," Elizabeth stared, mesmerized by the image on the screen. "Look how much she's moving around. Can you feel all that?"

"Some of it…not everything," Olivia said. "Sometimes she seems stronger than other times."

"Well, there is a little extra fluid surrounding her, just like I thought," the doctor noticed. "Right now, it could just be a temporary fluke, but it is a common occurrence with Down syndrome pregnancies. If it continues, I think it might be harder to feel her moving."

"Why is there extra fluid?" Olivia asked. "Is it dangerous?"

"It could be that she's not swallowing the way she should be…or that she's not expelling fluid through her kidneys," the doctor said seriously. "Or it could just be a temporary thing. I'll be truthful with you…if you didn't already know the baby had Downs, this would be a marker for it. A lot of times when a baby has a chromosomal defect, there are issues with increased amniotic fluid. And sometimes, that is a sign of certain organs not working properly…but not always. Since she looks healthy right now, I want you to focus on that. We'll check her again in two weeks…and if there is something going on, we'll find the best way to treat it."

"I can't believe this…" Olivia felt herself tearing up and she didn't even try to stop. "I need her to be okay."

"She's going to be okay," the doctor assured her. "I've treated hundreds of cases like this Olivia. You don't need to worry."

"What can I do?" Olivia asked. "Can I do something to fix this?"

The doctor shook his head, "All you can do is rest. If the increase in fluid continues throughout the pregnancy…I won't lie to you…it's going to be hard when you get to the third trimester. I'll probably insist on bed rest and you'll be uncomfortable. It causes significant weight gain…and sometimes leads to early labor…but you'll be fine and so will this little girl. I know how to treat this," he smiled. "That's why you're coming to me instead of a regular OB…remember."

Olivia knew it wouldn't help to worry, but all she could think about was the possibility that she would be facing this alone. She'd spent the past nine days without Elliot by her side…and the thought of going on to day ten without him was overwhelming…going through the rest of the pregnancy without him, was crushing. She would have given anything to have him there with her, to have him squeeze her hand and kiss her and promise her that everything would be okay.

As they left the office, Elizabeth knew Olivia was still upset. She didn't know how to make things better for her, but she wished she could. "Olivia…I know you're scared," she said. "But I know this baby is going to be fine." She smiled, "Just like you know Dad is going to wake up." She looked at the ultrasound picture the doctor had given her, "I mean look at her…she looks so perfect. She won't let a little extra fluid hold her back."

Olivia forced a weak smile, "It'll sure as hell hold me back," she said. "Bed rest…that's going to be miserable."

"Well, it'll be worth it when she gets here, right?" Elizabeth asked. "Besides…the doctor said you _might_ have to go on bed rest…not definitely. He said right now there is nothing to worry about…so stop worrying. Look at how many things you've had to worry about so far with the baby…and she's just fine."

"You're right," Olivia smiled. "She is fine…and she's going to stay that way." She put her hand to her stomach and sighed, "And she's wearing me out today…so let's go home."

Olivia was alone in her car, since Elizabeth was driving Elliot's jeep back to Queens. It was the first time she'd had alone all day and she needed it. She thought about the baby…she thought about Elliot…she thought about Noah…she thought about how this time last year none of them were even a part of her life. It was strange how quickly things could change…how life could be so different in one short year. But it _was_ different, and she was different, and she had faith that things were going to work out…faith that she'd never had before and that she wasn't sure she even knew she had before right then. The baby kicked her and she took one hand off the wheel, rubbing gently over the spot where she was kicking and feeling it easily under her clothes. "You need to do that for your daddy," Olivia smiled. "He wants to feel you kicking around…more than anything." And in her heart she knew he would…and soon. Nine days felt like an eternity…but she could endure a few more if in the end Elliot would be alive and well and feeling their baby kick. It was the only thing she wanted…the one thing she needed. "Your daddy is going to wake up…for you little one," she smiled. Then she drove home.


	68. Chapter 68

The buzzing of her cell phone against the wooden night stand startled Olivia awake. She was used to it while she was working, often getting called out in the middle of the night on cases, but since she'd adopted Noah they rarely called her, knowing she couldn't just up and leave…and since she wasn't working at all now, there was no reason for them to call. It took a few seconds for her to open her eyes and realize that if her phone was ringing in the middle of the night that it wasn't because of work…and once she realized that she grabbed it quickly, seeing the ICU number and fearing the worst.

"Ms. Benson…" the nurse's voice was calm, but Olivia couldn't read her voice well enough to know if it was good news or bad.

"What's wrong?" Olivia's voice shook. "Is something wrong with Elliot?"

"No…not at all," the nurse said gently. "You asked us to call with any change."

"What change?" Olivia asked.

"Ms. Benson…he opened his eyes," the nurse told her.

"He what…" Olivia asked in disbelief.

"He opened his eyes," the nurse said again. "Just for a little while, but he did open them."

"Did he say anything?" Olivia asked.

"We told him he was in the hospital…that he'd been hurt and had surgery," the nurse explained. "But he didn't say anything in response. That's not unusual though. It takes time to fully become aware after a coma. It'll get better…"

"I want to see him," Olivia said, already getting out of bed and pulling on her shoes, not bothering to change out of Elliot's Marine Corps t-shirt and sweats she'd taken to wearing to bed every night in an attempt to feel closer to him. "I'm coming up there…"

"Ms. Benson, it can wait until morning," the nurse said gently. "He's not awake now. It could be hours or even days before he opens his eyes again."

"Please…" Olivia begged. "I need to see him."

"Alright," the nurse agreed. "I think we can make an exception on the visiting hours…but just you right now. If he does wake up again we don't want to overwhelm him with a lot of visitors."

"Okay," Olivia smiled. "I'll be there soon." She walked over to the crib and checked on Noah who was sleeping peacefully. "Your daddy's going to wake up," she whispered. Then she headed down the hall toward Maureen's room. She hated to wake her up, knowing that she'd want to go to the hospital as well when the nurse specifically said only Olivia should come, but she needed her to know she was leaving so she could listen for Noah.

She was startled when Richard walked out of the bathroom unexpectedly, "Olivia…why are you up? Is something wrong?" he asked nervously.

"No," she shook her head and smiled, "The hospital called. Your dad woke up…just for a few minutes. But he was awake."

"Oh my God," Richard smiled. He was one day from heading back to school, and he had been sure he wouldn't get any good news before he left. "Can we see him?"

"I'm going up there now," Olivia said gently. "She said he could only have one person with him…but as soon as he wakes up again I'll call you. When the doctor says it's alright, you kids can come…okay?"

He nodded, "But call…as soon as he wakes up again. I don't care what time it is."

"I will," she reached out and hugged him close. "Dickie…I'm so glad you and Lizzie are still here. I'm glad you're going to get to see him open his eyes before you go back to school."

"Me too," Richard smiled. "Now you should get going…in case he wakes up again…someone should be there."

Olivia nodded, "I need to wake up Maureen first. So she can listen for Noah."

"I'll go in with Noah," Richard insisted. "And I'll wake Maureen and Lizzie up after you go. If you do it, you'll spend another half hour trying to explain everything and you'll probably have a fight on your hands trying to keep Maureen from going with you. Just go…I'll take care of things here…don't worry."

Olivia glanced at her watch, noticing it was already two in the morning and sighed, "Okay…thanks," then she rushed down the stairs, stopping to grab her coat and purse and headed out the door.

The hospital was quiet so late at night. The rooms were lit with the blinking lights of the monitors, and an occasional beep or ding broke through the silence, but compared to the hustle and bustle of the day, it was quiet. Olivia sat in the chair next to Elliot's bed and watched as he slept, and even though the nurse had explained to her that he had fallen back into the coma within minutes of opening his eyes, it felt more like he was just asleep for the night, like he might wake up and ask her where she'd been earlier or why she wasn't in bed herself, something normal he might say if they were in bed at home…something that would let her know he was still the same Elliot…that the bullet hadn't taken him away from her. So she sat, and waited for it.

A few hours later Olivia opened her eyes, realizing she had fallen asleep herself and stood from the chair, arching her back to work out the kinks. Sleeping in the chair had done a number on her back and she moaned a little at the pain. The nurse walked in, smiling as she looked at Elliot's vital signs, "He's doing well," she said. "You don't have to sit in here. Maybe you should go home for a while…we'll call…"

"No…" Olivia insisted. "When he wakes up again, I'm going to be here. You said I could stay…"

"You can," the nurse said gently. "But you need to take care of yourself and that baby too. He'd want that…"

Olivia nodded, "I'm fine…the baby's fine…I just shouldn't have fallen asleep in the chair. I guess I didn't realize how uncomfortable it is sitting here since I've only been able to stay an hour all the other times." She rubbed her hand over her stomach, "I'll just stand for a while, walk around some…it'll be okay." She winced a little at the pressure she was feeling from the baby, "I need to use the restroom," she said, heading toward the door, "But I'll be right back."

When Olivia came back in the room she looked questioningly at the nurse, as if she expected Elliot to wake up while she was gone. The nurse shook her head, "You didn't miss anything." She assured her and she watched as Olivia walked slowly across the room, her hand on her back, trying to relieve some of her pain. "Why don't I see if someone from maintenance can bring a more comfortable chair down here for you? We have some nicer ones…recliners…we have them on the maternity ward and in the children's wing. We just don't keep them in ICU because visitors can't stay long, but since we made the exception for you…we can at least give you a comfortable place to rest."

"Thanks," Olivia nodded, as the nurse left the room. She walked over to Elliot's bed, watching intently for any sign that he was going to wake up. It was almost six o'clock and the day was starting…the day he was going to come back to her for good…she could feel it. "El…" she whispered. "Just open your eyes…please." A noise from behind surprised her and she turned her head to see a man carrying in a chair and she smiled, "Thanks for bringing that."

"No problem ma'am," he looked at Elliot, unconscious in the bed and gave a sad smile. "Use it as long as you need."

Olivia scooted the chair over as close to Elliot's bed as she could without disturbing the cords and tubes that were attached to his body. Then she sat down, and let the recliner fall back, wadding up her coat and placing it to her side to support the swell of her stomach and turning her body, laying on her side so she could face him. She could reach his hand with hers, just barely and she stretched a little more so she could rub her fingers across his. She felt closer to him than she had in days and the tears she felt stinging her eyes were less sad and more joyous because of it. "Please…just look at me…" she said again. She was overcome with exhaustion and as much as she tried she couldn't keep her eyes open.

She wasn't sure how long she had been asleep when her eyes fluttered open again, and she didn't know what had awakened her either, but as she groggily rubbed the sleep from her eyes she heard his hoarse whisper, "Liv…" he said, his voice barely audible and she turned to look at him, tears clouding her warm brown eyes when she looked into his clear blue ones that were staring back at her. "Liv…" his voice scratched, "What happened…"

"You're awake…" she cried, sitting up and standing over him. "Oh my God…you're really awake," she remembered the nurse saying he would be overwhelmed and she should stay calm, so she tried to take away some of the anxiousness from her voice, "You were hurt, but you're going to be okay. How do you feel?" she asked. He didn't answer her and she wasn't sure if he could, so she took his hand and held it close, "El…I'm so glad you're awake." She pushed the buzzer for the nurse, knowing the medical team needed to see him as soon as possible and then she smiled, "Can you talk to me? Please…" she pleaded.

His eyes fluttered, open and closed and she thought he was going to fall back asleep, but then he looked at her and his breath was heavy, "What…what day is it? How long…"

"It's been ten days," she said. "It's…uhm…"she pulled out her phone to check, suddenly unable to remember the exact date and she smiled when she realized, "It's February 14th," she said. "Happy Valentine's Day." Then she watched as his eyes closed again, and this time he didn't reopen them. As the doctor and nurse rushed in, she filled them in and they assured her that it was good he had spoken to her…had asked a question…that it looked well for his recovery.

Then she walked out to the waiting room to call the kids. She sat in a chair and pulled out her phone, but before she could make the call she was overcome with emotion and she cried, unable to stop her tears from flowing. As much as she'd tried to stay positive, she could admit to herself that she was starting to question whether or not this day would ever come, whether she'd ever hear his voice again…and that brief moment when he had come back to her after ten long days, was the most precious gift she could have received.


	69. Chapter 69

After calling the kids to give them an update, Olivia had spent the next two hours at Elliot's bedside, hoping by some miracle he'd wake up again. The doctor had come in several times, each time assuring her that he was positive it was just a matter of time before Elliot awoke again, but also cautioning her against expecting too much too soon. Many times patients with brain injuries had trouble staying focused, would go in and out of consciousness, and have trouble remembering important life events from one moment to the next. Some were even violent or depressed. He wanted to warn her so she wouldn't be heartbroken if Elliot's next bout of wakefulness wasn't quite as positive as the last one, but there was no doubt in Olivia's mind that he was going to wake up and be his old self soon. No doubt at all.

Around noon the nurse finally convinced Olivia to go to the cafeteria for some lunch. Reluctantly she gave in, more because of the baby's insistence that she eat than because of the nurse's. As she sat in the cafeteria with her grilled cheese sandwich and apple juice, the only things that sounded appealing in the whole place, she pulled out her phone to call the kids once more. They were disappointed that the doctor wouldn't let them come up to see their father yet, but Olivia promised them she'd talk to him about it again. She knew how much they wanted to see Elliot…wanted to be there when he opened his eyes again, but she did worry about how overwhelming it would be for him to see everyone. For now, she wanted to be the one to gauge his response and see if he was ready to face the kids.

She finished her food and walked back to the ICU, standing in the doorway to Elliot's room when she noticed he was awake again and the doctor was in with him. "Can you tell me what day it is?" the doctor asked, trying to determine his level of functioning.

Elliot's voice was still raspy from days of not speaking, "Valentine's Day?" he said, the tone more of a question that an answer and Olivia smiled.

The doctor looked surprised and nodded, "It is…how did you know that?"

"Olivia…" Elliot said slowly, and she walked over to the side of his bed. "Olivia told me…"

Olivia smiled, relieved that he remembered their conversation from earlier, "I did…I told him that last time he woke up." She looked at Elliot, "You remembered…I'm so glad…"

"Do you know what year it is?" the doctor asked. "Can you tell me the year?"

Elliot's face strained as he thought about what the doctor said. It was obvious he wanted to know the answer…that he thought he should know it…but it wouldn't come to him, "I…I can't think of it…"

"That's okay," the doctor said gently. He looked at Olivia whose face had dropped, apparently worried that Elliot had forgotten years of his life and he tried to reassure them both. "Sometimes it is hard to remember at first. It will come back to you." He spoke softly, "Do you remember what happened to you?"

Elliot closed his eyes, the bright lights of the room too much for him to take in after a while, but he spoke, "I think…I remember someone shooting…Did someone shoot me?"

"Yes," the doctor said quickly. "Good…that is very good…most people don't remember the incident at all…"

"Were we on a case?" Elliot looked at Olivia and she sighed, realizing he didn't really remember as much as they thought. "Are you okay? You didn't get hurt?"

"I wasn't there, El," she said gently. "We don't work together anymore…remember?"

He looked confused, but then he noticed her clothes and squinted his eyes, "Are you wearing my clothes?" he asked. "Why are you wearing my clothes?" He seemed agitated and it scared her a little. She didn't like seeing him like that.

"I borrowed them," she said calmly. "I've been staying at your house…so I could be up here more often…"

"But we _don't_ work together?" he asked again, as if he couldn't believe it. "Can I sit up?" he asked the doctor and they raised his bed slightly. "Why don't we work together? Did you quit?" he asked in disbelief and then the new angle of his bed seemed to provide him with a more direct line of sight and he noticed the change in her body for the first time, "Are you _pregnant_?" he asked. "Oh God…how long have I been knocked out…"

Olivia wanted to cry and the doctor gave her a knowing look, "He's going to remember…" the doctor squeezed her shoulder. "Don't get upset. Just talk to him and tell him the truth."

"El…you've only been in a coma for ten days," Olivia said tearfully. "And I didn't quit…you _did_…almost four years ago."

"Four years ago…" he sighed then he seemed to remember, "Oh yeah…after that girl…" tears filled his eyes, "I killed her…"

"It was a long time ago," Olivia said gently. "And it wasn't your fault."

"That was four years ago?" Elliot asked, obviously frightened by the lapse in his memory. Olivia nodded and he looked sadly at her, "Why are you here then? Shouldn't you go home to your husband…or boyfriend…whoever…"

Olivia looked at the doctor, her heart breaking and wondering if she should tell Elliot more about their life together or if it would be too much for him to process. The doctor motioned for her to join him in the hall, telling Elliot they would be right back, and Olivia followed him. "He doesn't remember," she whispered. "How can he not remember?"

"He has a traumatic brain injury," the doctor reminded her. "He remembers some things…just not everything. And it's possible that certain memories will come and go for a while. Like how he thought you still worked together, but then he remembered quitting. He could wake up tomorrow and remember everything or he could forget and think you are working together again. But he is showing good brain function, even with the swelling and I have no doubt he's going to get his memory back fully before too long. It takes time."

"Should I tell him?" Olivia asked. "That he's the father of this baby?" She sighed, "Should I tell him about our son…I don't know what I should say to him."

The doctor nodded, "Don't overload him with new information, but if he asks, answer him honestly."

Olivia nodded and they walked back into the room. Elliot's eyes were closed and at first she thought he had gone back to sleep, but when she approached the bed he opened them. "You done talking about me?" he asked with irritation. "I'm right here…you don't have to talk behind my back."

"Olivia and I were just discussing your memory loss," the doctor explained quickly. "Why don't you tell us what you remember…and we can go from there."

Elliot's face cringed as if it hurt when he tried to think, "I don't know what I remember," he admitted.

"You said you remembered quitting your job," the doctor reminded him. "Because of something bad that happened. Do you remember anything after that?"

"That was a long time ago," Elliot cleared his throat. "I work security now…I think…right?"

Olivia smiled, "Yeah…that's right."

"I didn't want to see you," Elliot said seriously. "Why are you here? Did someone call you?"

"Maureen called me," Olivia answered, trying not to let his words hurt her.

"Why would she do that?" Elliot asked. "She knows…she knows I can't see you anymore…" he closed his eyes, "Kathy left me…"

"I know," Olivia sighed. "But that was a few years ago, Elliot."

"Kathleen…" his voice was a sad whisper, "She…she died…Did I try to kill myself?" he asked. "I wanted to kill myself."

Olivia gasped at his confession, not sure how to respond, "El…someone shot you…you were protecting a little girl at the bank, and a crazed gunman shot you…"

"I was?" he asked. Then he seemed to remember something new, "The little girl…with the dark hair…" his voice quivered, "I told her my daughter was going to look like her…"

"Yes," Olivia smiled, tears filling her eyes. "Our daughter Elliot…" She put her hand, gently on her stomach.

"Our…daughter?" he asked her. "Oh God…what did I do…what did _we_ do…"

"Elliot, it's okay," the doctor spoke seriously. "Why don't you close your eyes and try to rest? We'll talk again when you wake up."

Elliot seemed more agitated at the doctor's suggestion, "I got you pregnant?" he looked at Olivia and his voice quivered. "I don't want any more kids…I have enough kids, Olivia…" he was practically yelling and his voice scared her. "Where are my kids anyway? Where is Maureen? I need to talk to her…"

"She's home…with Kate and Noah," and she realized by the look on his face that he didn't know who she was talking about and it made her heart ache. "Your granddaughter…and our son…" she let a tear escape and slide down her cheek.

"Damn it!" he yelled, "Don't start crying…please just don't." His head was pounding and the yelling was making it worse, but he was angry that he couldn't remember things and now Olivia was presenting him with this whole new life he knew nothing about. "Show me…"

"Show you what?" she asked sadly.

"Do you have pictures of them or something…my granddaughter…I remember Maureen telling me she was pregnant…her husband's a jerk…" he sighed, "And…our son…we have a _son_?" he asked, unable to believe what she was saying. "How could I forget my own kid?" He started to cry and Olivia looked at the doctor, not sure what she should do.

The doctor nodded, "Show him the pictures," he said gently.

Olivia pulled out her phone, sliding through until she found a picture of Kate and Elliot she had taken a few weeks before. "This is Kate…" she said, holding it out so he could see, "You always call her Katiebug…" Elliot stared at the picture. The little girl looked like Maureen when she was small, but other than that he didn't recognize her. Olivia slid the screen, and a picture of Noah sitting on Elliot's shoulders replaced the one of Kate. "This is Noah…" she said softly.

Elliot looked at the picture, the little boy with dark hair and eyes, and he wanted to remember him. He didn't know how he could forget his own child and it killed him. He grabbed the phone out of her hand, throwing it across the room, "No!" he screamed.

Olivia was shocked as her phone flew across the room, crashing against the wall. "El…it's okay…" she cried. "You're going to remember…"

"Elliot…you need to relax," the doctor said, worried about his patient's outburst. "Lay back…and take a deep breath…"

Olivia leaned over the bed, putting her hand on his shoulder to calm him, "Don't worry…everything's going to be fine…" she cried.

"Leave me alone…" Elliot screamed and the look in his eyes let them both know he wasn't himself anymore. Something was wrong, they had pushed him too far, but before the doctor could intervene Elliot grabbed Olivia's arm, squeezing it with more strength than she could have imagined he'd have left after the whole ordeal.

"El…let go," she cried. "You're hurting me…"

"I'm hurting _you_?" he yelled and the doctor reached across the bed to try to release his grasp on Olivia. "Get out of my room!" he yelled and flung her arm with such force that she lost her balance, falling back on the floor, just as the doctor administered a sedative that forced Elliot back to sleep in no time.

"Are you okay?" the doctor asked nervously, reaching his hand out to help her up off the floor.

She shook her head, sobbing, "He would never do that…never…" She put her hand carefully on her stomach, "I'm worried about my baby…"

"We'll get you checked out," the doctor said gently. "Are you in pain?"

She shook her head, "Why did he do that? He would never try to hurt me."

"Violent outbursts are common after an injury like this…especially when patients feel overwhelmed or scared," the doctor explained. "It wasn't him…it was the head injury…"

"I just want to see a doctor and make sure my baby is okay," Olivia said sadly. The doctor took her by the arm, guiding her out of the room. She bent down slowly, picking up her phone off the floor. The white casing on the back was shattered, but the screen looked fine and it seemed to work. She looked back at Elliot, sound asleep in his drug induced stupor, "Is he always going to be like this?" she asked. "Do I have to be afraid of him?"

The doctor shook his head, "He's going to get better," he promised. "But it's going to take some time."


	70. Chapter 70

A doctor in the obstetrics ward assured her that the baby was fine, and other than feeling sore from the fall and the bruising on her arm where Elliot had grabbed her, Olivia felt okay. Elliot's doctor had suggested she go home, but she refused. She couldn't leave Elliot, because even though he had hurt her, she knew he didn't mean to. She'd never seen him as scared as he was when he didn't remember so many pieces of his life…and she couldn't leave him alone to deal with it by himself. He needed her to be there when he woke up again, and this time she wasn't going to let him get so agitated and upset.

She glanced down at her phone, grateful it was still working after it had hit the wall and the floor with such force, and saw a text from Maureen asking about her father. Olivia didn't want to tell the kids what had happened when Elliot woke up last, so she'd told them he woke up and couldn't remember much but had fallen back asleep. She didn't tell them about his outburst or how he had thrown her phone across the room or that she'd had to see a doctor after he pushed her down. It would only worry them and they didn't need the added stress. She quickly texted Maureen, telling her he was still sleeping and that the doctor said maybe they could visit the next day.

She stood up, her back aching from both sitting too long and from the fall earlier. She walked around the room, trying to ease some of the pain, finally pushing her palms against the wall and bending forward some, taking a deep breath as she tried to stretch her back. "Liv…" she heard his voice and turned to look at him. He was staring at her, almost like he didn't know what to say and she wondered if he remembered anything from earlier in the day. "Are you okay?" he asked, noticing her position against the wall. "Are you in labor?"

She stood up and shook her head, "No…my back just hurts." She forced a smile, "How are you feeling?"

"I don't know," he admitted. "My head hurts…I can't think…"

"I know," she said sadly, walking closer to the bed, but still keeping her distance. She was afraid to get too close to him, and she hated herself for it, but she couldn't put the baby at risk. "Do you remember anything?" she asked.

"The pictures," he said, suddenly realizing what she meant. "Of Kate…and Noah…"

"You remember?" she asked. "Looking at the pictures?"

"I just couldn't remember them," he said sadly. "I don't know why. I do now…"

"El…you don't have to say that," Olivia said softly. "It's okay that you can't remember yet…"

"No…I really do. Kate…she's two and she calls me Poppy. She lives with Maureen at my house." He sighed. "And Noah…we're adopting him…we were supposed to meet with the judge...but I didn't go...right?"

"Right," Olivia smiled, relieved by the things he was saying but wondering if his memory would be permanent or short-term. "You do remember…" Suddenly the pain in her back was so strong that she gasped, trying to steady herself against the wall.

"Liv?" he asked. "Are you sure you're alright? We could call for help…"

"I'm fine," she insisted, the pain easing up a little. "I already saw a doctor…he said the baby's fine…so you shouldn't worry about it…"

"The baby?" he asked. "Why would something be wrong with the baby?"

"No reason," she said, realizing he didn't remember everything that had happened and not wanting to trigger another episode of hurt and anger. "But she's fine and so am I."

"Liv," he said, realizing she was standing far away from him and knowing something was wrong. She was scared of him, and he'd never seen that look in her eyes before. "Oh God…what did I _do_?" he asked. "Did I hurt you?"

"No El…I'm fine," she lied. "I'm glad you remember the baby this time...you were sort of upset about it earlier."

"I was mad," he said. "I remember yelling…" he looked at her and realized she was rubbing her hand over a bruise on her arm, "Did I do that?" he asked. "God Liv…I'm so sorry…"

"It's okay," she said softly. "You didn't mean to. I was pushing too hard…trying to make you remember…"

"I grabbed you…and then I pushed you…" he gasped. "Oh my God…How could I do that? Why are you still here? You should go home…"

"You didn't know what you were doing," Olivia said seriously. "I know that. I know you'd never hurt me on purpose. And I'm not going home. I'm not leaving you…"

"I feel like my brain isn't working," Elliot admitted. "I remember things…and then it feels like everything is blank. I'm still confused about what happened. You said we don't work together anymore…"

"We don't," Olivia said. "But you remembered that when we were talking…you said you remembered working security…"

"Oh right…my head just hurts so much…" he said and it was obvious he was becoming confused again. He looked at her and reached his hand out, "Will you sit with me?" he asked, in a voice that was almost childlike and she wanted nothing more than to take his hand and comfort him, but she was scared, afraid the confusion would lead to another violent outburst and she couldn't do that again.

"El…you should try to rest," she said softly, "I'll go see if the nurse will bring you something to help you sleep."

"I don't want to sleep," he argued. "Why do you want me to sleep?" He was frustrated again. "Why won't my head stop hurting?" he yelled.

"I just want you to get better," she cried. "And to do that, you need to rest, as much as possible."

"Why won't you sit with me?" he asked sadly and she could tell he'd forgotten all about what had happened before.

She sat down slowly in the chair by his bed, buzzing for the nurse, just in case she needed help, and took his hand, squeezing it tight. "Just get some sleep," she whispered.

"My head hurts…so much…" he said painfully. "I don't know why it hurts so much…"

"I know…" she tried not to cry. "Go to sleep, El…you'll feel better…" The nurse walked in and Olivia looked sadly at her, "He's in a lot of pain."

The nurse gave him more pain medication and he was back to sleep in no time. She looked at Olivia, noticing how Elliot still seemed to be clinging to her hand with his tight grasp, "Did he say much this time?" she asked.

"He remembered things…our kids," she sighed, "He remembered his outburst from earlier…said he was sorry…" she put her head down, not wanting to succumb to her emotions in front of the nurse. "Then he just kept saying he was confused and his head hurt. Is he really getting better? I'm scared…"

"I know it's hard to watch," the nurse said gently. "But this is normal. He has pressure on his brain that makes it hard for him to remember things and when he does, it may just be for short bursts. He gets angry, even violent because he has limited impulse control due to the damage…but he will get better. He's talking, he can move…some patients can't do that when they wake up. He's really doing very well. It just takes time…"

Olivia nodded, "Thanks," she whispered through her tears. "How long do you think he'll sleep this time?" she asked.

"A few hours at least," the nurse replied.

"Okay," Olivia pulled her hand away from Elliot's, standing and leaning over him, kissing him softly on the cheek. "I'm going home for a while," she said, putting on her coat and grabbing her purse. "I don't feel very well…I think maybe the fall kind of shook me up…made the baby anxious…"

"Get some rest," the nurse said as she walked her to the hall. "We'll call if he wakes up."

Olivia nodded, giving a slight wave, and walked tearfully out the door.


	71. Chapter 71

Olivia opened the door, walking into the house and noticed immediately that the kids were having dinner. She'd lost track of time after spending all day at the hospital and she hadn't realized it was quite that late. She walked over to the table, kissing Noah gently on the head and recognized the questioning glance of the other kids, "He's doing okay," she said. "But they gave him some pain meds that made him sleep, and I decided to come home and take a break."

"Can we see him yet?" Elizabeth asked quickly.

Olivia shook her head, "It's not a good idea. He is kind of agitated and doesn't remember things." She sighed, "The doctor said he might be a little more alert tomorrow. So you should wait." She looked at the meal they were eating, not feeling like trying any of it. "I think I'm going to head upstairs and sleep for a while, if you don't mind…"

"Are you okay?" Maureen asked. "You don't look good." Then she noticed the bruise on Olivia's arm and stood to look at it, "What happened?"

Olivia shook her head, "Nothing really…I tripped and fell at the hospital. I'm okay."

"Did you see a doctor?" Maureen asked. "You can't take a fall lightly…"

"I saw a doctor," Olivia assured her. "He said I'm fine, just sore and the baby is perfect. So don't worry." She put her hand to her back, "I think I pulled something in my back though. I just want to lay down a while."

"Okay," Maureen said with a nod. "Try to get some rest." She watched as Olivia made her way slowly up the stairs. Then she looked at her brother and sister, "She doesn't look good. I'm worried."

"Maybe she's just tired," Richard suggested. "She's been up there all day."

"I'm going to bring her some dinner in a while," Maureen insisted. "She can eat in bed…but she has to eat. She looks so sad. I think things were worse up there than she's letting on."

"With Dad?" Elizabeth asked. "She said he was having trouble remembering things. Do you think he has amnesia?"

Richard shook his head, "No…she'd tell us that. I think she's just tired…sore from falling. I hope the baby really is okay."

Olivia walked in the bedroom, looking at the unmade bed and realizing how long she'd been at the hospital. When she'd received that call in the middle of the night, she'd rushed out without taking time to think…and she'd been there ever since. She looked down at the clothes she was wearing, remembering Elliot's agitation when he noticed she was wearing his clothes and decided to take a shower and change into something else.

She let the hot water from the shower rain over her, hoping it would soothe the aching pain in her back. Then she quickly changed into her favorite yoga pants that she was amazed still fit and a t-shirt that was admittedly too tight, but she craved the familiar comfort of them, and she crawled into bed, laying on her side, trying to relieve some of the pressure from her back. She wanted to sleep, more than anything, but her mind just wouldn't let her unwind. The memory of Elliot, so angry and in so much pain…confused and scared, it was burned in her brain and she couldn't let it go.

There was a knock at the door, and she sighed miserably, knowing the kids needed her to be there for them but wishing she could have just one moment's peace. "Come in…" she said as Maureen pushed open the door, a tray in her hand, Richard and Elizabeth trailing behind her.

Olivia sat up and Maureen sat the tray on the bed, "We wanted you to eat," she explained. "At least try…"

Olivia looked at the soup and crackers and nodded, "Thanks," she sighed. She took a sip of the chicken noodle soup and then put down the spoon, dipping a cracker in the broth and taking a bite. "I appreciate it."

"Olivia…does Dad have amnesia?" Elizabeth asked nervously. "Did he forget us?"

Olivia shook her head, "Of course not, Lizzie. He asked about all of you today. One of the first things he said was 'Where are my kids.' It's just that his memory of more recent things fades in and out." She looked at Maureen, "Where are Kate and Noah?"

"Kate's room…playing," Maureen motioned toward the door. "I can hear them. They're fine."

"He didn't remember them," Olivia admitted. "Not at first. And he thought we were still partners…then when he saw I was pregnant, I got mad and told me to go home to my husband. When I told him the baby was his…he kind of melted down…said he didn't want her."

"Oh…" Lizzie said sadly. "I'm so sorry…I know that had to hurt."

Olivia shrugged, "It's not his fault. The next time he woke up, he remembered everything. The doctor thinks once all the swelling goes down that he will be okay."

"I know he loves you and the baby," Richard assured her. "He would never have said that if he was thinking right."

"I know," Olivia nodded and forced a smile. The last thing she wanted was for the kids to worry about her. She put her hand to her stomach, cringing a little at the pressure, "This baby is so anxious today," she exhaled sharply. "She won't settle down."

Elizabeth reached out, putting her hand on Olivia's stomach and smiled, "Wow…she's all over the place."

"I think the fall scared her," Olivia admitted.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Richard asked. "Can't a fall like that make you go into labor?"

"I'm not having contractions," Olivia promised. "The doctor checked…and I'm fine…just sore. I guess I just need to be more careful where I'm walking now that I'm getting too fat to see my feet."

Maureen laughed, "I remember feeling like that…just take it easy. Tell one of us if you feel worse…okay?"

Olivia nodded, "Right now…I really need to go to the bathroom. She seems to enjoy bouncing on my bladder," she put the tray to the side, standing up and walking out of the room.

"I'm worried," Richard admitted when Olivia was out of earshot.

"Me too," Maureen agreed as the buzz of Olivia's phone on the nightstand interrupted them. She looked over at it, recognizing the ICU number and answering it quickly. "Hello…" she said as she listened to the person on the other end of the line. "Okay…this is his daughter…yes…" he face dropped and she sighed uneasily, "Okay…no I will let her know…" Olivia walked back in the room, looking questioningly as Maureen talked on her phone. "Thank you…good-bye." She hung up, noticing the shattered casing on the phone and looked at Olivia, "What happened to your phone?" she asked.

"I dropped it," Olivia lied. "Who was that?"

"The nurse from the hospital," Maureen replied quickly. "I saw the ICU number or I wouldn't have answered it."

"Is your dad okay?" Olivia asked.

Maureen looked sadly at her, "She said he woke up…that he was asking for you but when they said you went home…he got really angry and tried pulling out his IVs."

"Oh God…" Olivia sighed, "I better get up there."

"Olivia…she said they had to restrain him." Maureen said sadly. "She said he lunged at a nurse and after what happened to _you_ earlier…they had no choice." She sighed, "What happened earlier?"

"Nothing," Olivia shook her head, instinctively covering the bruise on her arm with her hand. "He was just upset."

"Oh God…" Richard looked at her, "Did _Dad_ do that to you? He _hurt_ you?"

"No…" Olivia insisted tearfully. "He didn't mean to. He can't help it."

"Did you really trip and fall?" Richard asked. "Or did he do something to you? I've been reading up on head injuries…I know patients can be violent when they wake up. What happened?"

"He grabbed me…" Olivia cried. "And then he got mad when I said he was hurting me…so he sort of pushed me away. I lost my balance and fell…but he didn't mean it. The next time he woke up, he felt terrible about it. He would never hurt me on purpose…"

"We know that," Elizabeth agreed. "But you can't be up there if he's acting like that. It isn't safe for the baby."

"He _needs_ me," Olivia argued. "And I'm fine. I'm being more careful now."

"No," Richard insisted. "One of us will go with you. You can't be alone with him."

"None of you need to see him like this," Olivia sighed, "I want to protect you from that. It isn't easy. You shouldn't have to see him so angry and confused…"

"I'll go," Richard offered. "I'm going to start the car," he stood up walking toward the door. "I'll meet you downstairs."

Olivia sighed, watching him go. "He reminds me so much of your dad," she said to Maureen and Elizabeth. "Doesn't listen to a word I say and just does whatever he wants because he thinks he's right."

Maureen laughed, "Yeah…they are a lot alike…but Dickie is right this time. You shouldn't be up there alone. Besides, I really think he wants to be there to help. I mean…Dad's not able to take care of our family right now, so maybe Dickie feels like he has to step up and do it?"

Olivia nodded, "I guess you're right." She stood up, heading toward the door. "This is going to be another long night at the hospital."

"Tell Dad we love him," Elizabeth reached out and hugged her close. "Tell him we miss him."

"I will sweetie," Olivia agreed. "He misses you too."


	72. Chapter 72

Elliot was asleep when they arrived at the hospital. The room was quiet, and Olivia instantly thought back to the night before, waiting for him to wake up, and wondering if he was going to. Now she was sure he would, but it was still hard watching him. She could admit to herself that while she wanted him awake, she was also afraid of how he would act this time. It hurt more than she could ever have imagined to see him go from the man she'd always known to a complete stranger and the pain she saw on his face as he struggled to remember bits and pieces of his past was heartbreaking. She couldn't help but wonder why they had to face so many setbacks, but then she pushed that out of her mind. Elliot was alive, and that was all that mattered. She could have lost him, but she hadn't. She would focus on that.

"He's asleep," Richard said, looking at his father and wishing he could see his eyes open. "I thought they said he woke up?"

"He doesn't stay awake for long," Olivia told him. "It's hard for him…and the pain is so bad." She sat down slowly in the chair by his bed, resting her hand on her stomach. "He'll wake up again in a while."

The nurse came in, checking the monitors and smiled at them, "You decided to bring company with you?" she asked Olivia.

"Richard really wants to be here the next time Elliot wakes up," she explained.

The nurse nodded, "He was very agitated when he woke up and you were gone. He'll be glad you're back…if he gets upset when he wakes up, stay calm and be firm with him. Buzz for me when he's awake, okay?" Olivia nodded and the nurse left.

Richard looked at Olivia and sighed, "How long do they think it will take for him to get back to normal?" he asked nervously.

Olivia shrugged, "I don't know. He may never be exactly the same…but he will get better."

"Is he going to be violent…for the rest of his life?" Richard asked. "I don't want him hurting you…or the kids…"

"He won't," Olivia promised. "Dickie…it really wasn't his fault. He has so much pressure and swelling in his brain…he can't control his actions right now. I was just taken off guard…now that I know what to expect, I won't let that happen again. You don't have to worry."

Richard nodded, then he sat on the floor next to the chair and Olivia let it recline back, raising her feet up and hoping it would help the muscles in her back relax. Richard was engrossed in something on his phone and she was bored watching Elliot sleep, so she pulled the baby name book out of her bag and mentally went over each name again. Richard looked up at her and smiled, "You haven't chosen her name yet?" he asked.

She shook her head, "It's not that easy," she sighed. "She'll have to live with this name for the rest of her life. I don't want to pick something that people will tease her about…or that doesn't suit her."

"You're talking to the guy whose parents named him _Dickie_," Richard cringed. "I'll never forgive them for that."

Olivia smiled, "That name meant a lot to your dad."

"Yeah…but the guy he named me after turned out to be a rapist and a murderer," he shook his head in defeat. "And even then he couldn't just call me Richard. No one can…not even you. I'm gonna be Dickie until I'm 90…" he gave a mischievous smile, "Do me a favor? Don't let Dad choose the baby's name. Pick something you like and stick with it…otherwise she'll end up with some ridiculous name that she'll hate for the rest of her life. And I really don't want to have to introduce my baby sister as Ethel or Agatha or Hazel…whatever old lady name he would pick."

Olivia laughed, "None of those are on his list," she rubbed her hand carefully over her stomach. "But I don't necessarily dislike them. They sound classic…"

"Oh God…not you too," Richard shook his head, reaching up and grabbing the book from her. "Let me see." He looked through the pages, "What about Madison?" he asked.

Olivia shook her head, "That feels too common to me. I want her name to be special."

"Maisey," he suggested. "That's a little different."

"I don't know…" Olivia didn't want to hurt his feelings, but she didn't really like that name either.

"Madeline? Mia? Montgomery?" he read through the list.

"Are you stuck on the letter M?" Olivia asked teasingly.

"You were on the M's when I took the book," he reminded her. He sighed, "Maybe you should just call her Baby Girl Stabler until she's old enough to pick her own name…at least then she'll have a name she likes and won't be stuck with something as embarrassing as Dickie."

Olivia took the book back from him, glancing through the pages once more. As much as she'd always wanted a baby, she'd never been one of those women who had her children's names picked out from the time she was in junior high…in all honesty she'd never really thought she'd have the opportunity to name a child of her own. Even Noah had been named by his birth mother…and while she loved his name and it suited him perfectly, she wondered if she would have chosen it for him. Naming a child was a bigger responsibility than she could have imagined and she didn't want to mess it up. Twenty years from now she didn't want her daughter complaining to someone that she'd saddled her with a name others made fun of on a daily basis…no wonder Dickie was determined to be called Richard.

"Olivia…" Elliot's voice broke the silence and she turned quickly to look at him, smiling gently. "Liv…" he whispered again and she stood up, standing beside him.

"I'm here…" she said softly. "I'm sorry I was gone last time you woke up."

"I want to go home…" he said.

"You can't go home," she reminded him. "You have to get better first. The doctors and nurses are taking good care of you."

"No…" he argued. "They keep hurting me…I want to go home." He pulled at the IV in his arm and she grabbed his hand, squeezing it tight.

"Stop it," she said firmly, trying to remain as calm as she could. "You're going to hurt yourself."

"I want to go home…" he said again, but he seemed to settle down.

"El…when you get better, you can come home," she squeezed his hand and stroked his cheek with her finger. "We have to get you better first." She pushed the buzzer for the nurse and looked at Richard, standing by the chair. "Dickie came to see you," she said softly, motioning for him to come toward the bed.

As much as he'd wanted to see his father, to be there to protect Olivia from his angry outbursts, in that moment Richard felt like a frightened child, unsure if he could be strong enough. He walked slowly to the bed and looked at his father, grateful to see his eyes open for the first time in days, but he didn't know what to do or say, so his just stared.

"Dickie…" Elliot's voice trailed off and he seemed to drift off as his eyes fluttered from open to closed and then opened again.

"I'm here Dad," Richard whispered. "I'm glad you're feeling better…that you're awake."

The nurse walked in, smiling, "Good to see you awake again," she said to Elliot as she checked his vitals once more. "How are you feeling?"

"I feel fine," Elliot insisted. "I want to go home."

"We're going to be running some tests tomorrow," the nurse told them. "So the doctor can check the swelling on your brain and look at brain and motor function. That'll give us some more answers so we know how to proceed. Hang in there…"

"See," Olivia smiled, "They are trying to help you…not hurt you. You'll be home before you know it. Just try to relax up here so you can heal."

"I'll be back to check on things in a while, but call me if you need me," the nurse said softly as she walked toward the door.

"I will, but I think we're good," Olivia nodded. She watched the nurse leave and then turned back to Elliot, "How's your head feeling?"

"I don't know…" he exhaled sharply. "I feel sick…"

"Should I call for the nurse?" she asked, unsure what to do if he started to throw up.

"No…" he insisted, looking at her intently, "Did you change your clothes?" he asked and she wasn't sure if he was changing the subject on purpose or if his mind had just wandered in that direction. It was impossible to tell.

"Yeah," she nodded. "I went home and took a shower…changed into my own clothes instead of wearing your Marine Corps shirt."

"Liv…I don't remember…" he sputtered and couldn't seem to finish the thought.

"What?" she asked. "What don't you remember?"

"The baby…" he said, noticing the way the fabric of her t-shirt pulled over the swell of her stomach. "I don't remember when you're going to have the baby…I want to be there to help you…I don't want to be here…"

Olivia smiled, "It's okay…we've got time." She took his hand, placing it on her stomach, "I'm only 23 weeks…she's gonna wait for her daddy to get better before she comes." The baby chose that moment to wake up and flutter around and Olivia moved his hand to the spot where the baby was kicking, pushing his hand carefully into her side, "Do you feel that?" she asked. "I think she's missed hearing your voice."

"That day…" he said, his voice weak. "You wanted me to feel her kick…but I didn't." he sighed, "I'm sorry…"

"It's okay," Olivia said softly. "It wasn't your fault. She wasn't strong enough then…but she is now. You can feel her now, right?"

"I can feel her," he said. "Liv…I don't want to hurt you…I don't want you to be scared. Are you scared?"

"You would never hurt me," she said gently. "And I'm not scared. I'm gonna take care of you and then when you get better, we're gonna go home and have this baby and everything will be fine. I promise…"

"Dad," Richard's voice shook as he interrupted their conversation. "Maureen and Liz and I…we're gonna help Olivia until you get better. Don't worry…"

"Dickie…" Elliot said softly. "I love you."

"I love you too, Dad," he cried and leaned over, carefully hugging him.


	73. Chapter 73

The constant beeping of the alarm clock didn't seem to stir her to wakefulness, but then Noah started to cry and between his tearful screams and the constant beeping Olivia opened her eyes, smacking her hand against Elliot's alarm clock to silence it. She sat up, trying to focus her eyes on her son who was standing in the crib across the room from her, calling her name in between sobs. "It's okay baby," Olivia said, swinging her legs to the side of the bed. "I'm coming…" It had been six weeks since Elliot had opened his eyes on Valentine's Day…six long weeks, and she was still staying at his house without half her things, still on leave from her job, and at twenty-nine weeks her pregnancy was getting more and more difficult as well. She'd gained more weight than she'd ever thought possible, mostly because of the added fluid surrounding the baby, a condition the doctor said couldn't be treated but would most likely land her on bedrest within the next few weeks, and she was scared to death…there was no way she could manage that right now.

She used the nightstand to help pull herself up from the bed and made her way slowly to the crib, picking up her son and soothing his cries. He was almost eighteen months old, more of a toddler than a baby and it was getting harder to carry him around or even sit him comfortably in her lap anymore because of the pregnancy. She knew it wouldn't be easy to chase after a toddler at this point, but she hadn't expected the extra weight gain or that she'd be all alone. It was overwhelming. She sat him carefully on the bed, quickly changing his diaper and smiled at him, leaning over to kiss him softly. Her necklace brushed across his cheek when she leaned over, and he grabbed it, noticing her engagement ring sparkling from the chain. Her fingers were too swollen to wear it now and she'd convinced herself that wearing it on the chain kept Elliot closer to her heart anyway. Noah stuck his small finger through the ring and giggled, "Pretty…mama…"

"It is pretty, isn't it?" she said softly, then she pulled the ring from his grasp and the little boy sat up quickly. "Your daddy picked it out for me," she winked at him and looked down at the ring she held in her hand. She missed Elliot…so much. The past several weeks had been hard, not just because he was in the hospital but because everything was so different…_he_ was different. His memory was hard to predict…one moment he seemed to remember everything about their life together and then the next day he would forget she was pregnant. She couldn't count the number of times he'd asked her when the baby was due, and no matter how many times she told him he never seemed to remember. And some days he seemed to forget she'd been there to see him every single day since the shooting, accusing her of not coming to see him or telling her she didn't care what happened to him. She'd watched him melt down trying to master tasks as simple as lifting a spoon to his mouth or brushing his teeth and she tried to be supportive, but he always ended up angry with her. Those days he would almost always get agitated, screaming and calling her names, he'd even taken a swing at her a few times but she'd learned to keep her distance when he was like that. Luckily that hadn't happened in a few weeks, the doctor said most of his swelling was gone now and he had more self-control, but she couldn't shake the feeling that the Elliot she loved was never fully coming back.

"Let's go get you some breakfast," she said, picking up her son and standing him on the floor, taking his hand in hers. He was learning to maneuver the stairs in Elliot's house and as much as Olivia would have preferred to carry him downstairs she couldn't do it anymore. She was lucky she could get herself up and down the stairs. She missed her apartment where everything was on one level. She held the railing with one hand, slowly walking down the stairs, placing her body strategically in front of her son who had turned himself around to crawl down one step at a time. It seemed like forever before they safely reached the bottom, but when they finally did Olivia smiled at her son, "You're such a big boy, Noah," she said proudly. She put her hand on her stomach, "Pretty soon you're gonna have to carry Mommy down the stairs," she teased.

They walked into the kitchen and Olivia sat Noah in the highchair, making him a bowl of cereal and placing it in front of him. Then she made a bowl for herself and sat next to him, taking a bite and watching as he dribbled milk down his chin. "Where's Kate?" he asked looking around the kitchen and noticing the unusual absence of his playmate.

"She went with her mommy and her grandma to Florida," Olivia said gently. Maureen had been reluctant to go with her mother on the trip, but Olivia had encouraged her to go. With everything going on, Maureen needed a break from things. Elizabeth and Richard had been back at college for over a month, and Maureen and Olivia had split their time between caring for the kids and staying with Elliot in the hospital. It wasn't easy on either one of them. Kathy had planned a trip to Florida during Eli's spring break from school and Olivia had encouraged the other kids to go with her. They all needed a break from the chaos that had become the new normal of their lives. They needed a chance to let things go and have fun. Sitting in the kitchen watching her son fumble with his spoon, Olivia realized she needed to give herself a break as well. "Let's go to the park today…" she said, realizing it was finally warming up some outside. "Do you want to swing today, Noah?" She longed for a carefree day with her son, pushing him on the swings and listening to the innocence of his sweet giggle.

"I see Dada…" Noah said seriously, showing no interest in the park. "See Dada, Mama…"

They had just started letting Noah come to see Elliot a little over a week ago. Once he had been moved from ICU they'd hoped having the family around more would help him recover, but the constant agitation was an issue in the beginning and Olivia and the doctor both agreed it wasn't safe for Noah or Kate to be there. But Elliot hadn't had a violent outburst in a few weeks and now he seemed to love it when Noah would come visit him. Noah loved it too, even though Olivia had been worried initially that he would have forgotten Elliot in the weeks he'd been missing from the boy's life. Noah had proven her wrong though, immediately clinging to Elliot, hugging and kissing him, and his presence seemed to be doing wonders for Elliot's recovery as well. He was sitting up more in his wheelchair and was really working toward walking without assistance. He seemed more dedicated to his physical therapy and just the day before he had promised Olivia once more that he would be home before the baby was born and he hadn't even asked her when the baby was due. She wasn't sure if it was because he remembered, or because he was embarrassed to ask her again, but for the time being she allowed herself the comfort of thinking he had finally processed the information well enough to store it in his memory. She stood up, walking over to the sink and running water in her cereal bowl. She stood there and watched as Noah took eager bites, dropping little bits on his highchair tray, and she immediately flashed back to weeks earlier when she'd tried to help Elliot feed himself and while he seemed to have mastered it now, at the time he was worse at it than Noah. She turned away from her little boy, her eyes suddenly full of tears she couldn't keep from falling. She was alone…she was scared…and all she wanted was someone to hug her and tell her things were going to get better…that everything would be alright…that in time things would be back to normal.

"Mama…" Noah said again and she wiped her eyes and turned to look at him, "Mama…see Dada…"

"Yeah…we'll go see Daddy," she forced a smile. "Finish up your cereal and we'll go."


	74. Chapter 74

"Noah…slow down baby," Olivia pleaded with her son as they walked down the hall at the hospital. She was holding tight to his little hand, but he was eager to see Elliot and was trying to run off in front of her. She was tired and there was no way she could keep up with the impatient toddler.

"Mama…No!" Noah looked at her with frustration and she had to laugh. He'd started giving her the look when he didn't get his own way and while she probably should have been upset that he didn't look at her as his whole world anymore, she couldn't help but be proud of his independence and the fact that he'd developed his own little personality right before her eyes. "I see Dada…" he insisted, pulling his hand away from her and running off in the opposite direction.

Olivia ran after him, completely out of breath by the time she caught him. She reached down and picked him up, situating him as best she could on her hip and looked him in the eye, "Mommy told you to slow down," she said seriously. "You don't run away from me."

"Down Mama…" he cried and she ran her fingers through his hair and kissed him gently on the head, while the little boy wriggled and tried to free himself from her grasp.

"I'm not putting you down if you don't listen to me," she insisted. "You have to be a good boy up here, Noah. No running…" She would have given anything to have someone there to help her because she knew he was on the verge of a tantrum and she didn't know if she could physically handle it there in the hospital. Sometimes it was easier to let him have his own way than to discipline him and she hated herself for giving in to him. She'd always thought she'd be a better mother than that, that she'd stand firm and have a well-behaved child that would listen to everything she said. But Noah was stubborn and she was tired all the time, and sometimes she just had to give in. "Let's go see Daddy," she sighed, standing him back on the floor and holding tighter to his hand, letting him lead the way.

They reached the door and Olivia peeked inside to make sure Elliot was awake, smiling when she noticed he was sitting up in his wheelchair. That was usually a sign that he was having a good day and lately there seemed to be more good than bad. Noah was frantically trying to pull away from her again, and she picked him up once more, walking into the room. She knew he wanted to run to Elliot, and she wished with all her heart she could let him, but she always felt the need to assess the situation first…to make sure Elliot wasn't agitated before she let him have access to Noah. Even though he hadn't had an outburst in weeks, she couldn't let go of the fear that it would happen again.

"Dada…" Noah squealed when they walked in the door and Elliot turned to look at them.

He smiled when Olivia walked over to him and Noah reached out for him. "Why are you carrying him?" Elliot asked seriously. "You should let him walk, Liv." He reached up and took the little boy from his mother, sitting him in his lap and noticing how Olivia stood hovering over the both of them. She leaned over, kissing Elliot softly on the cheek but he turned his head, surprising her by pushing his lips against hers. She had been careful the past several weeks not to push the physicality of their relationship, but the fact that he had taken it upon himself to kiss her made her heart flutter.

She pulled away from the kiss, and smiled gently, "That was nice." She cleared her throat and looked at him, "How are you feeling today?"

"I feel pretty good," Elliot said, carefully stroking his fingers along Noah's cheek. The little boy had calmed down as soon as he'd reached his father's lap and his eyes were heavy with impending sleep. Elliot reached his hand out, placing his softly on the swell of her stomach, "How are you feeling? You look tired."

Olivia forced a smile, and convinced that Noah was safe in Elliot's arms she slowly lowered herself into the chair across from them. She wanted nothing more than to pour her heart out to Elliot…to tell him she _was_ tired, that the baby had stolen every ounce of energy her body could manage to produce…that Noah wouldn't listen to her and she was exhausted from chasing him down the hall…that the doctor was insisting she would need to be on bed rest soon because her body was failing and she'd end up going into premature labor if they didn't do something to prevent it…that today, all she wanted to do was cry. "I'm fine…" she lied.

"You don't look fine…" Elliot said honestly. "Are you lying to me? You don't have to lie…"

"I'm not," she tried to improve her phony smile. "You don't have to worry about me. I'm good…really," she ran her hand over her stomach and tried to give the illusion of happiness. "How was therapy this morning?" she asked, changing the subject.

Elliot shrugged, "I walked the length of the room, with some supports."

"That's great," Olivia insisted. "I'm really proud of you…you're working so hard at this."

"Yeah," Elliot sighed and she knew he wasn't pleased with his progress. "Noah can walk better than I can." He looked seriously at her, "Why is this taking so long? I want to get better…to go home and pull my own weight. I want you to feel like you can tell me the truth about things instead of protecting me like I'm one of the kids…"

"I'm not protecting you from the truth," Olivia insisted. "You are working at getting better…and the doctors have all said you are making amazing progress. It hasn't even been two full months since the shooting, El. Recovery doesn't happen overnight…"

"They want to send me to a rehab center," he said, searching her face for any hint of emotion.

"What?" she asked.

"A rehab center…" he said again. "I'd live there for a while, but they'd work on motor skills and helping me get ready to go home."

"When do they want to move you there?" she asked, not sure if she thought it was a good or bad decision. Having him in the hospital was one thing, but a rehab facility was different and she was scared she would break down seeing him in a place that was basically comparable to a nursing home. She'd convinced herself he'd be coming home when he left the hospital.

"Soon," he answered. "They left me some brochures for us to look at." He motioned toward the stand by his bed and she pulled herself up and walked over to get them.

"There are tons of these," she sighed, flipping through the stack. "How do they expect us to choose? Did they recommend one?"

"I don't remember," he admitted reluctantly. "But I think there were some in Manhattan. If I went to one of those, you could go home. I know you want to go home."

"I want to be with you," she insisted. "Where you are is my home…remember?"

"Where's Maureen?" he asked, changing the subject.

Olivia sighed, "She went with Kathy to Florida. I told you that yesterday," _and the day before_…she thought as she forced a weak smile. "She'll be back next week."

"Did Eli go with them?" Elliot asked. "I never get to see him."

"You saw him before they left, El," she reminded him. "He made you that picture," she pointed to the crayon drawing hanging on the wall by the bed.

"Oh…right," Elliot sighed and Olivia stood up, reaching for Noah who was asleep in his father's arms. Whenever Elliot was confused, there was always the chance he'd get angry and she wanted to make sure Noah was safe. "You don't have to take him," Elliot said sadly. "I love holding him…"

"I don't want you to get too tired," Olivia said gently. "He's getting heavy."

"But he's not too heavy for _you_?" Elliot asked with frustration.

"I just don't want you to wear yourself out," Olivia insisted as Noah opened his eyes, startled by his parents' voices.

"I'm sitting in a damn chair, Liv," he yelled. "How the hell am I going to wear myself out?"

"Dada…" Noah cried and reached for him and Olivia wanted to break down in tears herself. "I want Dada…"

"See, he wants _me_," Elliot said and Olivia felt defeated as she placed the little boy back in his lap. She stood next to Elliot's wheelchair as Noah kissed him and bounced eagerly in his lap. "He's fine, Liv. You don't have to stand watch over us." Elliot's voice was sharp, but when he noticed the fearful look on her face he calmed down, "I'm not going to hurt him," he said sadly. "I love him, Liv."

"I know that," she tried to hold in her tears. "I know how much you love him, El."

"Mama…" Noah's little voice interrupted. "I want fishies…" he pointed toward the diaper bag and Olivia opened it and pulled out a container with his favorite goldfish crackers, holding it out to him. The little boy pulled one out and stuck it in his mouth. Then he grabbed one more, pressing it to Elliot's lips and smiling when he opened his mouth to eat it. "Mama…" Noah said again, holding one out to her and Olivia leaned over, letting him pop it in her mouth.

"Thanks Noah," she smiled. She pulled her own chair closer to them and sat down, exhausted, while Noah continued to feed them his crackers, and in that moment, while they laughed and shared a snack with their little boy, they felt like a family again for the first time in a long time. She carefully shifted in the chair, trying to relieve some of the pressure she felt from the added weight and exhaled sharply at the constant ache.

"Are you alright?" Elliot asked, putting his hand on her stomach. "Is the baby moving?"

Olivia shook her head, "No…she doesn't move around much…I mean she does, but I can't feel her very often because of all the fluid. Mostly I feel her at night when she rams herself up in my ribs." She sighed, remembering that she'd had this exact same conversation with him the day before.

Elliot nodded, "You look really big," he said, and Olivia knew his words were often more blunt than he meant for them to be. He'd lost his filter in the shooting, although in actuality she knew he'd never had much of one to begin with.

"I am really big," she sighed, "I've gained twenty-eight pounds already, and most women have barely gained twenty at this point."

"You look beautiful," he smiled at her and she couldn't help but smile back. "You always look beautiful."

"Thanks," she said softly.

"Liv...I know I've asked you before…and I'm sorry I can't remember…" he said sadly. "But when is the baby due? I want to be home by then."

She looked at him with a sad smile while tears stung at her eyes, "June, El…you still have time." She leaned over and kissed him and turned her head to look out the window while he played with Noah, brushing away the tears that were sliding down her cheeks.


	75. Chapter 75

Olivia sat down on the sofa in her apartment and let herself relax for the first time in what felt like forever. Elliot had moved safely into the rehabilitation facility the day before, after they took time to choose the best one, eventually deciding on one in Manhattan that was a short ten minutes from her apartment. She'd insisted on picking one the hospital staff felt would best meet his needs, but he'd also been adamant that it be in Manhattan so she could live at home. They'd compromised with some input from his doctors and while Olivia had been afraid of seeing him in the rehab center, she had to admit it was more comfortable than the hospital and he had more freedom to go outside and to have visitors. Plus they were going to work on preparing him to come home, so it was for the best.

She looked at the stack of Noah's toys and the few suitcases of clothes stacked in the corner of the living room and knew she should put them away. Maureen, Elizabeth, and Richard had helped her bring all of her things home when they'd returned from Florida two days ago. Now Richard and Elizabeth were back at school and Maureen was enjoying time with her daughter at home, and Olivia was expecting to relish in the solitude of her own apartment again. For some reason it didn't feel as comfortable as she remembered. She stood up and walked over to the corner, picking up a suitcase and carrying it to her room. She was so tired, and while she should have unpacked she didn't feel like it. Instead she went to Noah's room, checking to see if he was sleeping, and then walked to the bathroom to take a shower.

She emerged from the shower, wrapping her hair in a towel and slipping into her pajamas, when a knock at the door startled her. She wasn't sure anyone even knew she was back home, so she was cautious as she walked to the door and looked through the peep hole. She sighed, opening the door and smiling at Fin and Nick standing on the other side. "What are you guys doing here?" she asked.

They walked in, each of them carrying bags and walked toward the kitchen. "We brought groceries," Nick said, flashing her a smile.

Olivia followed them into the kitchen, "You didn't have to do that," she said.

"You haven't been here in two months," Fin reminded her. "We figured your kitchen would be pretty empty." He looked at her and smiled, "We can't have you wasting away, can we?"

Olivia laughed, "Little chance of that," she ran her hand over her stomach and sighed. "I'm a whale."

"Nah…" Nick winked at her. "You're glowing…" He pulled a carton of milk out of the bag and put it in the refrigerator.

"Some glow," she sighed. "I'm swollen and puffy…I feel like a tick ready to pop." She walked over to the counter, "Let me help you guys put those away."

"No," Fin insisted. "You sit down. You need to rest." He pulled a chair out for her and she slowly lowered herself into it. Fin busied himself putting canned goods in the cabinet, "Who is going to be staying here with you?" he asked. "Is Maureen coming?"

Olivia shook her head, "No…she's going to stay at the house. She needs a break from all of this, and honestly, I can't afford to pay her to be Noah's nanny right now. As much time as I've built up, I'm still going to run out of leave time before I'm ready to come back after the baby is born. And El's not working…he has some insurance through work that pays part of his salary when he's off, but it won't last forever and I'm not sure he'll ever be able to work again. Maureen's going to look for a job in Queens and a neighbor agreed to watch Kate for her. I would have, but I'm lucky to keep up with Noah right now…"

"No one is staying with you?" Nick asked unsure. "Liv…someone should be here." He looked at her, trying not to let her know he was focused on how much weight she'd gained since he last saw her. "You need help around here…you don't look comfortable."

Olivia laughed, "I'm not…I feel like shit." She tried to take a deep breath, but it was harder than it used to be, "But I don't need a babysitter. I can take care of myself…and my son."

"Liv, you're out of breath just sitting in a chair," Fin noticed. "I know Elliot wishes he could be here to help you…but he can't and he probably isn't going to be able to even when he comes home. You have to face that…"

"I know that," Olivia tried not to cry. "Don't you think I know that? Half the time he doesn't even remember when the baby is due. He can barely walk and when he does he needs help. He forgets things and his temper is worse than ever." She sniffled, embarrassed to be crying in front of them. "I don't even think he remembers the baby has Down syndrome and honestly, I'm scared to tell him. What if he freaks out and can't handle it? What if he decides he doesn't love her?"

"Oh Liv," Fin knelt next to her and squeezed her hand, "He's gonna love this baby. I know that. Maybe he's different…maybe he'll never be exactly like he was before…but Elliot loves you, he loves Noah, and I know he loves this baby girl. He hasn't forgotten how much he loves his family."

"But he's not here," Olivia said sadly. "I know it's not his fault…but I _need_ him and he's not here. I want to be there for him because I know he needs me right now, but half the time I feel like I'm dying…emotionally and physically. I miss him…the way he used to be. And I know nothing can change how things are now…but God, I want _my_ Elliot back.

"He may not be the way he used to be right now, but he's working really hard to get better," Fin reminded her. "And Liv, he'd want you to take better care of yourself…to keep this baby safe."

"The doctor says I'm going to have to go on bed rest…soon," she sobbed. "He said I'm too big…that the baby has a lot of extra fluid around her…that it's a symptom of chromosomal abnormalities like Downs. He thinks she'll be fine, but the extra weight is wearing me down and I might go into labor early." She wiped away her tears, "My blood pressure has been too high the last three appointments…it was just borderline the first two times, but last week it was higher. My whole body is falling apart…"

"Hey…" Fin wrapped his arms around her and held her close while she cried. "It's okay…it's gonna be alright."

"I don't see how," she sighed, brushing away her tears once more. "I don't have anyone…"

"You have us," Nick sat down beside her and put his hand gently on her shoulder. "Liv, we want to help. Anything you need…"

"I need Elliot…" she said honestly. "I'm scared…"

"You know what…we're gonna help you through this," Fin offered. "One of us can stay here with you…Nick and me...we'll take turns. Amanda too…"

"No," Olivia shook her head. "I don't think that's a good idea. I'm fine…"

"Bed rest is serious, Liv," Nick argued. "When the doctor says it's time for you to go on bed rest…you don't mess with that."

"I've got some time," Olivia insisted.

"Not much…" Fin said, his eyes focused on her stomach. "You know that, right?" She nodded reluctantly. "So, we'll set up a schedule and we'll take turns staying here. It's no problem."

Olivia could hear Noah begin to cry in the nursery, and she let out an exhausted sigh, "I knew he wouldn't sleep long. After two months at Elliot's house he feels like he's in a strange place all over again."

"I'll go get him," Nick offered.

"No," Olivia insisted. "He's scared…I should go get him." Nick nodded, reaching out his hand so she could take it and when she did he pulled her up. "Thanks…" she gave a weak smile and walked off to the nursery.

He waited until she was out of the room and looked at Fin, "She needs help," he said. "She's gonna break…"

Fin nodded, "And we're gonna help her," he insisted. "Whether she likes it or not."


	76. Chapter 76

Elliot sat outside on the patio, his wheelchair facing the small patch of lawn that was supposed to give the illusion of a relaxing outdoor space. He'd only been there a week, but he'd quickly discovered the patio was his favorite spot. After his intense therapy it was nice to breathe the outside air, look for small signs of nature even with the sounds of the city blaring in the background, and sit alone with his thoughts. And lately his thoughts were consumed with things he was afraid he would forget. He'd regained almost all of his memories from before the shooting, but he seemed to forget things he was told or that had happened since he awakened from the coma. The doctor insisted it was normal, but it was frustrating.

There were other patients sitting there was well, but no one really engaged in conversations unless they had to. Some he could tell were worse off than him, unable to speak or move. Some were in better condition, walking by themselves without the restrictions of the wheelchair. He wanted more than anything to get out of that chair because he knew it would be a big step toward going home.

"Yo, Stabler…how's it going?" Fin asked as he walked up to Elliot.

Elliot turned to look at him and couldn't hide his surprise. He hadn't expected Fin to come see him. They'd never been friends and honestly didn't even get along well. Even with his memory issues, he remembered that. "What're you doing here?" he asked.

"Came to see you," Fin sat down in a metal lawn chair, looking around. "Not a bad place…kind of homey."

"Yeah…" Elliot snickered. "Just like my own backyard, right?"

"It's not bad," Fin insisted. "Better than the hospital."

"I guess," Elliot agreed. "I want to go home though…"

"You think you're ready?" Fin asked seriously.

"It won't be easy," Elliot said honestly. "But I'd rather get better at home than up here. I miss Olivia…"

"Yeah…she misses you too," Fin said with a nod. "She's having a rough time of it, Elliot."

"She's tough," Elliot said with a slight smile as he thought about her. "She'll be okay. She's been a rock through all of this."

"She's a _mess_," Fin said bluntly. "She must put on a pretty good show for you if you think she's okay."

Elliot looked surprised. He knew she'd looked tired the last several times she'd visited, but she'd always said she was fine. He was angry at himself for not picking up on the fact that something was wrong. He briefly flashed back to sitting in the bar, down the street from his office while Fin told him Olivia was pregnant with his child. He wondered if it was a memory he'd forgotten that had just resurfaced or if he simply hadn't needed to remember it before now, but either way it made him wonder why Fin knew so damn much about his life with Olivia...more than he knew himself. "What do you mean she's a mess?" he asked seriously.

Fin shrugged, "She's having a hard time with all of this. She misses you…she's physically exhausted…"

"She's pregnant," Elliot argued. "All pregnant women are exhausted. She'll be fine."

"Are you listening to yourself?" Fin asked him. "You do realize this isn't an average pregnancy, right? She's an older mom…her body is struggling with this. She's gained a lot of weight…way more than what is considered normal, and she can't do anything about it. There's a problem with the amniotic fluid and she has way too much so she just balloons up and can't stop it. Plus she's chasing after an active toddler. And, she misses _you_…she's worried about you all the time. It's taking a toll on her."

"What's wrong with the baby's amniotic fluid?" Elliot asked nervously. "Did she tell me?" he looked embarrassed, "Sometimes I forget the things she tells me."

Fin shook his head, "I don't think she told you. She's been afraid of worrying you or making you upset." He looked serious, "Elliot…do you remember that the baby…well she isn't completely healthy…I mean she is healthy, but she's…"

"She has Down syndrome," Elliot interrupted him. "Of course I remember that."

"Olivia thought that maybe you'd forgotten," Fin said softly.

"Then why didn't she say something," Elliot asked. "She could've asked if I remembered."

"She thought if you'd forgotten, it would be like getting the news all over again and she couldn't face that," Fin admitted. "Down syndrome sometimes causes excessive amniotic fluid…the baby might not be processing the fluid through her kidneys or she might not be swallowing it the way she should. The doctor says she looks fine, but Olivia is so uncomfortable and she could go into labor early. She was afraid you'd get upset if she told you."

"She's always afraid of me," Elliot said sadly. "Sometimes I just lose it…I don't even know why. Half the time I don't even remember it later…but I know I've said things to her…I've yelled at her and I know she doesn't deserve that. It's like I become this other person and my mind doesn't realize I'm out of control. The doctor has been working with me on controlling my emotions better and I think I'm getting better at it…" He looked at Fin, the shame apparent on his face, "I hurt her though…at the hospital…I don't remember how it happened but she had bruises on her arm and I know I pushed her down."

"You _what_?" Fin stood up angrily. "You pushed her? What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I don't know!" Elliot yelled. "I'd never hurt her on purpose. The doctor says it's a common occurrence after a head injury…and I haven't done it in weeks…"

"You did it more than once?" Fin asked, his blood boiling.

"I only pushed her once," Elliot insisted. "But apparently I tried to hit her a few times…I don't even remember it…"

"You don't know how much I want to punch you in the face right now," Fin paced back in forth trying to control is anger.

"You think I don't want to kill myself for the way I've treated her?" Elliot sputtered. "I _love_ her…she's carrying my child," he let his tears fall, embarrassed that he couldn't control his emotions in front of Fin, "I can't believe I hurt her. I can't believe I've made her afraid of me."

"I know this isn't something you can control," Fin tried to keep his emotions in check. "Liv knows that too." He sat back down, looking Elliot in the eye, "You said it hasn't happened in a while…so you're getting better?"

Elliot nodded sadly, "I swear…I've been doing everything I can. She's never gonna feel safe with me though…not now. And she's worried about me with the kids…I know it." He shook his head in defeat, "I guess I didn't notice how bad she was feeling because all I could focus on was how she was treating _me_ differently. God…I'm an asshole."

"I won't argue with you there," Fin smirked. "But I do know you love her. You want what's best for her and for the kids…and she knows it too. It'll get better."

"I swear, next time she's here, I'm going to tell her how much I love her and how sorry I am," Elliot insisted. "I'm going to tell her to take it easy and rest…"

"Well," Fin said seriously. "That's kind of the reason I'm here. Elliot…Nick and I have been staying with her. We were worried she was doing too much…"

"I appreciate you doing that," Elliot said gratefully. "She needs friends…"

"This morning, she wasn't feeling well…she had an awful headache and she felt sick," Fin told him. "I made her go to the doctor. She argued…but I took her myself."

"Is she okay?" Elliot asked nervously.

Fin nodded, "She's okay…but the doctor put her on bed rest. He told her a while ago that it was going to happen, but she'd convinced herself she could keep up with everything. She can't. He said if she didn't commit to staying in bed, that she'd probably go into labor and deliver the baby early…and it wouldn't be good to let that happen."

"So she's home in bed?" Elliot asked. "Who's taking care of her?"

"Maureen is there now," Fin answered. "And Nick, Amanda, and I are going to take turns. You don't need to worry…but I wanted you to know…she can't come up here anymore…so if you need anything…"

Elliot nodded, "I'll be fine. I'm going to work even harder to get home now. She shouldn't have to go through this without me. How's Noah? I know this is going to be hard on him too."

"He'll be fine," Fin promised. "It's Liv I'm worried about. She's so miserable and you know how stubborn she is too. Keeping her in that bed is going to be a fight…and she keeps saying she misses you. She wanted to come up here before I took her home, so she could see you. I wouldn't let her and so she made me come up here instead. She insisted you needed someone to come see you every day."

"Oh God," Elliot sighed, "She's worrying about me?" he shook his head, "Would you please tell her I'm fine? Tell her I'm coming home…before the baby gets here…" he looked at Fin and smiled, "And tell her I remember…it's June. I've been practicing it…I know the baby is coming in June."

Fin smiled and nodded, "I'll tell her," he stood up, hoping Elliot was right and the baby would wait until June to make her entrance into the world. "I'm gonna head back…Maureen wants to come see you before she heads home and I'm gonna stay with Olivia. You promise me you'll keep working on getting better."

"I will," Elliot promised. "Tell Liv I love her, okay? And give Noah a kiss for me," he pleaded.

Fin smiled, "I can do that. You take care."

Elliot nodded, "Tell her I'll call her tonight, okay? I want to check on her."

"I know she'll be glad to hear your voice," Fin said softly. "I think maybe it's what she needs most right now…_you_…telling her to take it easy and that you love her."


	77. Chapter 77

**I haven't made an author's note in a while, so I wanted to take this opportunity to once again thank everyone who has left reviews on this story and to tell you how much I appreciate those who have stuck with the story from the beginning. I know it is a long one, but I promise we'll get to the end eventually. Hopefully no one has completely lost interest. There are more twists and turns ahead in future chapters!**

"I'm fine…" Olivia sighed as she tried to sit up in bed, putting pillows behind her back. She looked at Fin, who was standing in the doorway staring as she struggled to get comfortable and while she appreciated his concern, she wished he would leave her alone. She'd been embarrassed that morning when he'd insisted on taking her to the doctor. She was tough, and she'd been sure Fin was overreacting by forcing her to call the doctor, but she'd given in just to prove to him that she was fine. A headache and a little queasiness shouldn't have landed her on bed rest, but the fact that it was coupled with high blood pressure and the inability to keep down her breakfast prompted the doctor to test for pre-eclampsia and while the tests were negative, her doctor was still concerned. So now she was stuck in bed, possibly until the baby was born...and she blamed Fin for it. She couldn't be there when Elliot needed her, she couldn't take care of her little boy, and the worst part of everything was that she was completely dependent on others to take care of her. She knew she had to follow the doctor's orders, for the baby's sake, but it wasn't easy. Olivia wasn't one to lay around watching soap operas and doing crossword puzzles. She was going to lose her mind. "You don't have to stand there looking at me," she rolled her eyes. "I'm not going to climb out the window or anything."

Fin laughed, "I'm not sure you'd fit if you tried."

"Funny…" she snickered. "If you're just gonna stand there and insult me, you can leave. I'm not in the mood to be hovered over anyway."

"Now, now…don't go getting your feelings hurt," he walked over to the bed and smiled.

"It would take a lot more than you calling me fat to hurt my feelings," she insisted, trying unsuccessfully to rub a kink out of her back.

"You sure you're alright?" he asked, watching her stretch and fidget. "You need me to help you or something?"

She shook her head, "I'm fine…I swear." She leaned back against the pillows and headboard, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. "Where's Noah?"

"In his room…playing," Fin told her. "He loves his toy cars. I didn't even know they made them like that…soft ones for babies. The cop car is his favorite. He pushes the buttons over and over."

Olivia smiled, opening her eyes, "Elliot bought it for him." She sighed, "Can you bring him in here…please? I can watch him play…I don't have to leave the bed for that."

Fin nodded, "Okay…I'll get him in a minute. I just came in to tell you I'm going out. I have a date…couldn't get out of it…"

"Of course you should go," Olivia insisted, relieved that he'd finally be out of her hair. "Noah and I will be fine."

"I know you will," he smiled. "Because Amanda is coming over to stay with you tonight."

Olivia's eyes widened and she shook her head, "No…absolutely not. Fin…I can't deal with her tonight…"

"She volunteered," he told her. "And you _will_ deal with her tonight, because you have no choice. Cut her some slack…she's really been trying to clean up her act lately. You've always been too hard on her anyway."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Olivia asked. "I've always been fair to her."

"No…you haven't…and you know it," Fin reminded her. "I don't know if you felt threatened when she joined the squad because you weren't the only woman anymore…"

"Screw you," Olivia argued. "You know me better than that. I was never _jealous_ of Amanda…and I've never felt threatened by her."

"Well she tried to kiss your ass in the beginning and you blew her off like she was nothing," Fin sighed.

"I have zero respect for suck-ups," Olivia cringed. "And the way she played Cragen was sickening."

"But the way you played him wasn't?" Fin asked.

Olivia looked surprised by the comment, "What the hell are you talking about?"

"You and Stabler…getting by with shit no one else could ever get by with. How he kept the two of you together, even when it was blatantly obvious to everyone that you were too close…" Fin replied.

"We were never too close," Olivia insisted.

"Tell that to your baby bump," he motioned toward her hand, gently stroking her stomach.

Olivia shook her head, "You know things are different now. We never…we couldn't…he was married to someone else then. You know I'd never do that."

"You do a lot of things when it comes to him, Liv," Fin said sadly. "He has more control over you than you know."

"No one has control over me, but me," she argued. "And I don't know what you're getting at, but I don't like it…whatever it is. I know Amanda is your partner, and you're close…maybe I haven't been completely fair to her, but she gets _herself_ in trouble and her gambling could have brought down our whole squad…more than once. And I know you and Elliot have never seen eye to eye…but my relationship with him is none of your damn business…and he doesn't control me."

"He hit you," Fin blurted out. "And you never said a word. You let him get by with that!"

Olivia closed her eyes, taking a deep breath and exhaling slowly, "Who told you that?"

"He did," Fin admitted.

"He can't help his outbursts," Olivia tried to hold in her tears. "His brain is damaged…sometimes he loses his impulse control. And besides, he never hit me. He pushed me, and I fell, but he _didn't_ hit me." She remembered him swinging at her a few times when she'd managed to back up in time, but decided not to go into that. "I was fine…the baby was fine…and he's getting better. He hasn't reacted like that in weeks. His brain is healing and he'll be fine. I'm not scared of him…he'd never hurt me on purpose, and I don't ever want you to suggest anything like that again…not ever!"

"His temper has gotten him in trouble more times than I can count," Fin reminded her. "He's always been one to throw a punch now and ask questions later."

"Not with me," Olivia said seriously. "He loves me."

"I'm just worried about you…and about the kids," Fin said honestly. "If he can't control his anger, even if it's not really his fault now, you're not safe. You need to think about that."

"We're fine," Olivia brushed away a few tears that were stinging her eyes. "I appreciate you worrying about us, but I know Elliot and so do you…he would never do something to hurt me or the kids. And if he did…if for some reason he gets to the point that he can't control the angry outbursts because of the brain damage…then I'll do what I need to do to keep my kids safe. You know I wouldn't put them in danger…not even for Elliot…not even if it isn't his fault. You know me better than that…"

Fin nodded, "I'm sorry," he said softly. "I didn't mean to upset you…I don't even know why I brought it up. I wasn't going to…I was just so shocked when he told me and I'm worried about you. I want you to be okay." He forced a smile, "I know you won't let anything happen to Noah or this baby girl…that you wouldn't choose Elliot over them…and I really do hope he gets back to his old self so you can have the little family you've always wanted."

"He will," Olivia sighed. "I know he will." Her cell phone buzzed and she picked it up, looking at the number and smiling, "It's El."

"I'll go wait for Amanda and let you talk," Fin squeezed her shoulder and headed out the door.

"Hello," Olivia answered, the smile still on her face.

"Hey," Elliot's voice was tired. "I miss you," he said.

"I miss you too," Olivia admitted. "I wish I could be there. I hate being trapped in my apartment."

"You just stay in bed and take care of our little girl," he sighed. "She's most important."

"El…why did you tell Fin that you pushed me down?" she asked sadly. "That was none of his business."

"Because it's eating me up inside, Liv," he admitted. "I'll never forgive myself for it and I knew he wouldn't either. You just act like it was no big deal…I needed someone to tell me what an ass I am…someone to put me in my place…"

"You need to forgive yourself," Olivia insisted. "I know you couldn't help it…and you're working so hard to control your emotions now. You're making such good progress."

"But I still did it," he sighed. "And I tried to hit you too. You're pregnant, Liv. I could've hurt you or the baby…"

"But you didn't," Olivia reminded him. "We're both fine." She ran her hand delicately over her stomach. "We both miss you…so much…" she said tearfully.

"I miss you too…and Noah," he said gently. "How's he doing?"

"He's fine," Olivia answered. "He's been playing with his cop car for hours today. He misses you too. God El…I wish you were home. I really want you home…" she couldn't stop her tears any longer.

"I'm trying," he promised. "Don't cry, okay…I'm going to be home soon. I'll be there before the baby's born. Just relax and keep her safe and sound until June…okay?"

Olivia smiled, "You remembered she's due in June?"

"Yeah…I've been working on remembering the important things," Elliot said gently. "I have a calendar, with dates marked and I've been practicing."

"That's a great idea," Olivia was relieved. "It'll help you remember things."

"And Liv…Fin said you were worried…about telling me she has Down syndrome," he said honestly. "I never forgot that. I mean, once I really and truly remembered we were having a baby…I remembered everything about her. I don't want you to think that my injury has affected how I feel about her, Liv. I love her, so much…"

"I know you do," Olivia said tearfully. She couldn't help but wonder what life would be like with her special needs child now that Elliot was possibly going to have disabilities as well. She tried not to worry about the challenge of caring for them both, but she couldn't push the thought out of her mind either.

"We still need to pick her name, right?" Elliot asked. "We didn't choose one that I forgot, did we?"

"No," Olivia said softly. "We need to pick one. What's your favorite?"

"What's your favorite?" he asked teasingly.

"I don't know," Olivia laughed. "I've been through the book a million times. Nothing seems right. I want her name to be special…to mean something…I wish we had someone really special and beautiful to name her after…"

"We could name her Olivia," Elliot said lovingly. "That would be my top vote."

Olivia laughed, "I wasn't fishing for a compliment," she teased. "And I am not naming my daughter after myself."

"Well we'll think of something," Elliot replied. "We have a little time…unless she decides to make her appearance early. Tell her she better stay put until we can figure out her name."

"I'll do my best hold her in," Olivia teased.

"I mean it, Liv." Elliot said seriously. "Listen to the doctor, okay? Take it easy and let people help you. I wish I was there to take care of you myself, but there are other people who want to help. Please let them…for the baby…and for me."

Olivia nodded, "I will…I'll try anyway. I can't stand laying around doing nothing, El. It's not easy."

"I've seen you accomplish tons of things that weren't easy," he reminded her. "You can do this." He sighed, "I have to go. They don't want me on the phone very long. I'll call tomorrow though."

"Okay," Olivia said sadly. "I love you."

"I love you too," Elliot said as he hung up with phone.

Olivia sat her phone on the night stand just as Fin walked back in the room with Noah. "Are you off the phone?" he asked and she nodded. "I thought so…I tried to give you some privacy. Here's your little guy," he sat Noah on the bed next to his mother and he immediately cuddled next to her while she kissed him on the cheek. "Amanda's here…she said she'd give you some space, but you can yell for her if you need anything, okay?"

Olivia nodded, "Yeah…I'm sure we'll be fine."

"Hey…I'm sorry for upsetting you earlier," Fin added. "I shouldn't have said some of what I did."

Olivia ran her fingers through Noah's dark hair and smiled, "We're good Fin, don't worry about it. It's over…"

He winked at her, "Have a good night," he said as he headed out the door.


	78. Chapter 78

"Hey…I'm sorry…I didn't mean to wake you up," Amanda apologized as Olivia opened her eyes. "I was just gonna take Noah to his room."

Olivia looked down at her son, sleeping beside her, "I didn't mean to fall asleep," she yawned.

"Fin told me he fed Noah before he left and that I should put him to bed by 7," Amanda looked at her watch. "Do you want me to leave him in here?"

"I want to put him to bed myself," Olivia said seriously.

"I can carry him to this room and you can come tuck him in if you want," Amanda offered.

"Are you serious?" Olivia asked. "Fin wouldn't let me leave this room all day."

"I figure it won't hurt for you to walk a few feet to the nursery," Amanda smiled. "They let you up to go to the bathroom, and the nursery isn't any farther than that. Fin overreacts sometimes," she laughed.

"I'm so glad someone else recognizes that," Olivia smiled. "I would love to tuck Noah in. Thanks."

Amanda picked up the baby and Olivia slowly pulled herself up from the bed, following them down the hall. Amanda put Noah in his crib and he stirred a little, but settled down when Olivia patted his back and whispered to him. When she was sure he was asleep, she turned to Amanda, "Thank you…for letting me put him to bed."

"He's your son," Amanda smiled. "I can't keep you from taking care of him." Olivia put her hand to her back, cringing at the familiar pain. "You okay?" Amanda asked nervously.

Olivia exhaled slowly, trying to relieve some of the pressure, "Yeah…" her voice quivered. "I'm just gonna use the bathroom and get back in bed."

Amanda watched her carefully as she made her way back down the hall, worried that she had made a huge mistake letting her out of bed, but when Olivia emerged from the bathroom several minutes later she seemed to be feeling better. She followed her in the room as Olivia carefully lowered herself on the bed and sat back against the headboard. "You sure you're okay?" Amanda asked again. "You look pretty miserable."

"I'm fine," Olivia answered. "I'm just so uncomfortable. My back aches all the time…I can't do anything to relieve the pain."

"I don't envy you," Amanda said honestly. "I mean…this has to be so hard…and in the end you have this little person who will depend on you for everything. I can't even imagine…I'd be scared to death."

"I can't wait to meet her," Olivia said honestly. "I keep telling myself it'll all be worth it when she gets here and I can see her beautiful face and her chubby little fingers and toes." She smiled, "But it is hard…I wish I had done this when I was younger. I can't help but think things would have gone much better back then."

"Are you hungry?" Amanda asked, not sure she wanted to get into a serious conversation with Olivia about the pros and cons of late-in-life pregnancy. They seemed to be getting along for the time being, and that conversation was bound to lead to her saying something that would ruin things.

"Not really…" Olivia answered. "For the past few days I've been feeling sick every time I eat."

"Why?" Amanda questioned. "I thought pregnant women were supposed to be starving all the time. You know…weird cravings and everything."

Olivia shook her head, "I wish. I'm so big now…it feels like my stomach is squished. The doctor told me to eat small things throughout the day, but even doing that makes me sick. Fin made macaroni and cheese for dinner…I couldn't eat more than three bites."

"Is that safe for the baby?" Amanda asked.

"She's fine…for now," Olivia insisted. "I might have to do some nutrition shakes or something soon." She looked at Amanda, "You know…maybe I could handle a little something to eat…like ice cream…"

Amanda smiled, "You want pickles with that?"

Olivia laughed, "No thanks…just the ice cream. There's some in the freezer." Amanda walked out of the room and Olivia clicked on the TV, flipping through the channels until she finally settled on an old black and white movie. She didn't usually watch a lot of TV, but there was nothing else to do and even though she'd been exhausted moments before, she felt wide awake now.

"Here you go," Amanda came in and handed her the bowl of ice cream. She had a bowl for herself as well and took a bite, "This stuff is good. Where'd you buy it?"

"Nick and Fin brought it over," Olivia answered, taking a bite of her own ice cream. "It is good."

Amanda looked at the TV, "I love this movie…" she smiled. She looked at Olivia and motioned toward the door, "I'm gonna watch it out in the living room. Yell for me if you need anything."

"You could stay," Olivia offered. "In here…watch the movie with me."

"I don't want to bother you," Amanda said quickly.

"You're not," Olivia insisted. "I'm bored…I could use the company."

"Okay," Amanda said reluctantly and she sat down on the edge of the bed. She stared at the TV, mindlessly taking bites of her ice cream.

"Whoa," Olivia said, with an anxious gasp and Amanda turned to see her place her hand on her stomach, rubbing gently.

"What's wrong?" Amanda asked nervously.

"Nothing…" Olivia said quickly. "I didn't mean to worry you. It's just the baby…she must like the ice cream or something because she's kicking a lot…she hasn't been kicking much lately," she pushed again on her stomach, "God…she's really going at it…" she smoothed her shirt down over her stomach and smiled, "Look…" the tiny flutters visible under her shirt.

"Oh my gosh," Amanda smiled. "That's amazing…"

"You want to feel?" Olivia asked and Amanda nodded. She took her hand, placing it where the baby was kicking and Amanda's eyes widened. "It feels pretty strange, huh?"

"It's unbelievable," Amanda said seriously, and Olivia was surprised to see her tear up.

"It is…" Olivia agreed. "I've never felt so blessed. I've waited years for this…I never thought it would happen…"

"Is this the first time…" Amanda asked sadly. "I mean…have you ever been pregnant before? Like, it didn't work out or something…"

Olivia looked confused but answered her honestly, "I thought I was…a few times over the years…but all of those turned out to be false alarms." She smiled sadly, "I guess that was a good thing though, because I may never have had the family I have now…Noah, and this baby, and Elliot…"

"I was pregnant once," Amanda admitted and she wasn't even sure why, and when she saw Olivia's face drop she wondered if her admission was a huge mistake. "I was only sixteen…"

"I'm sorry…" Olivia said gently. "What happened?"

"My boyfriend was furious," Amanda sighed. "Said the baby wasn't his and then he hit me…a lot. I was just a dumb kid. I didn't know what to do."

"That's awful…" Olivia tried to hold in her tears, cursing her stupid hormones.

"I was scared…because if he would treat me like that…I didn't know how he would treat a little baby," Amanda said sadly. "I just couldn't have a child whose father would probably end up beating the hell out of it every day. I made an appointment to get it taken care of…"

Olivia nodded, "That must've been hard. I'm so sorry…"

"My boyfriend…he found out I was going to have an abortion," Amanda cringed at the memory. "And he said I didn't have the right to kill his child." She rolled her eyes, "He insisted it wasn't his and then when I tried to have an abortion, I was killing his kid."

"He was wrong," Olivia insisted. "You had every right to do what you needed to do…and I know the abortion was just awful for you…"

Amanda shook her head, "I didn't have it." She cleared her throat. "When he found out about the appointment, he beat me so badly that…I lost the baby."

Olivia stared at her in disbelief, wondering why Amanda had chosen to share this part of her past with her. They weren't close…they tolerated one another at best…but here they were in Olivia's bedroom, eating ice cream, feeling the baby kick, and now Amanda was sharing what was most likely her deepest, darkest secret. "Amanda…I'm sorry…" Olivia failed to hold in her tears. Amanda was just like the victims she tried to help every day on the job, and she'd never even known it.

"I'm okay," Amanda forced a weak smile. "I mean…it was probably for the best, right? I don't know that I could've gone through with the abortion and I could never be a good mother…"

"You might be a great mother some day," Olivia said softly. "You never know what's going to happen."

"I guess you never know," Amanda sighed. She watched as Olivia cringed painfully, pushing gently on the top of her stomach. "Are you okay?" she asked.

"She's just up in my ribs again," Olivia said, nearly out of breath again. "Most of the time I can't feel her because of the extra fluid, but she always jams herself up there at night and I'm glad because I know she's okay, but it hurts like hell."

Amanda smiled, "Can you make her move?"

Olivia shook her head, "Not usually…she's kind of stubborn."

"I wonder where she gets that from?" Amanda teased.

"Hard telling," Olivia laughed and shifted on the bed, trying to get the baby to move. Amanda turned back to the movie and Olivia watched it for a while and then looked at her, "Thanks…for staying here tonight. I know you probably had better things to do."

Amanda shook her head, "No…nothing beats ice cream and old movies." Then they both turned back to the TV and their silence said everything.


	79. Chapter 79

**Thanks again to everyone who has reviewed the last couple of chapters. I'm glad that for the most part, the feedback has been positive. It means a lot to me when you take time to share your thoughts. I'm glad no one is too disappointed with how long this story has become. I'll be winding it down soon...but for me that could still be 50 chapters...LOL! Thanks again for the motivation to keep writing.**

Olivia looked as the red numbers on the doctor's office scale steadily rose and sighed miserably. She'd never been one to worry about the number on the scale, but then again she'd never had to. Sure her weight had fluctuated some over the years, but it had always been reasonable and she'd never worried about it. Now all she could do was worry. She wasn't sure how she could physically gain any more weight, and she was afraid premature labor was inevitable. The baby already had health issues, and an emergency birth before her due date would only make things worse.

"You've gained two pounds," the nurse said gently. "That's not bad…especially with the added fluid."

"Yeah," Olivia said with an anxious shrug. "I'll try to forget that I passed up the recommended weight gain for a full-term pregnancy two weeks ago…"

The nurse had her sit down and put the blood pressure cuff around her arm. "How have you been feeling? Other than the weight gain…"

Olivia shrugged, "Tired…achy…I feel like I can't breathe very well most of the time."

"And headaches or dizziness?" the nurse asked as she wrote in her chart.

"Not really," Olivia sighed. "I've been staying in bed…like the doctor said. Surely my blood pressure is lower now, right?"

"It's still high," the nurse gave her a sad smile. "I'm sorry…"

Olivia shook her head in defeat, "Be honest with me…is this because of my age? Or is the extra amniotic fluid…the weight? What the hell is causing this?"

"It could be any of those…or all of them," the nurse answered honestly. "But you're doing all you can. Just hang in there."

"I'm worried about my baby," Olivia admitted.

"I know," the nurse handed her a gown and patted her shoulder. "Put this on, and the doctor will be in soon."

Olivia waited for the nurse to leave and then she changed into the gown. She'd been living in her pajamas for a couple of weeks now, so the fact that her maternity clothes were feeling snug didn't go unnoticed. She looked at her body in the mirror, her skin pulled tight over the bulge of her stomach and she wondered what she'd look like after the baby was born. There was no way her skin would ever snap back to normal after this. She didn't want to think about it. She slipped on the gown, tying it as easily as she could, and stared at the step leading up to the exam table. She rolled her eyes, thinking about how overwhelming the idea of climbing up on the table was, and she wondered how she'd gotten to this point.

"Olivia," the doctor smiled as he walked in the door and his voice brought her back from her thoughts. "How're you doing today?"

"Okay, I guess," Olivia sighed.

"Here…let me help you," he took her arm and she leaned on him for balance as she climbed up on the exam table. "Go ahead and lay back," he said softly and she did as he said. The doctor pushed gently on her stomach and took some measurements. "Have you been having any contractions?" he asked.

"No," Olivia answered nervously. "Why? Is something wrong?"

"No…I didn't mean to worry you," the doctor said quickly. "But I do think you'll be feeling some Braxton Hicks soon. I'm surprised you haven't already. They're not really painful, more of a tightening and some pressure. Just breathe through them and use them to practice for the real thing."

"Am I going to have this baby early?" Olivia asked nervously.

"I'm going to be honest with you," he looked seriously at her. "At this point…it looks probable."

"How early?" Olivia asked. "Is she going to be okay?"

"You're thirty-three weeks now," the doctor reminded her. "If you can make it a few more weeks…I think everything will be fine."

"What if I can't?" Olivia asked. "What if I go into labor and have her tomorrow? What happens then?"

"Then we'll take it from there," he forced a smile. "All you can do is try to relax. What do you say we take a look at her?" Olivia nodded and the doctor covered her with a blanket and then lifted her gown for the ultrasound. "There she is," he smiled when the baby appeared on the screen. "I'm thinking she's around four pounds…that's a good weight."

"Is she sucking her thumb?" Olivia asked, staring at the screen with a smile. "I've never seen her do that before on the ultrasound."

"Looks like it," the doctor smiled. "And she looks good. I think she's pretty content."

"Can I have a picture?" Olivia asked. "I want to show her daddy. He'll love seeing her suck her thumb like that."

"Sure," the doctor clicked the buttons to print the pictures. "How's he doing?"

"He's getting better," Olivia answered. "I haven't seen him…but on the phone he's been telling me he's getting stronger. And his memory is better. I want him home before I have the baby."

"Well maybe he'll be home soon," the doctor said softly. "And if you want to go see him…I don't think it'd hurt. Maybe you could stop by there on your way home. Just this once…then get yourself home and in bed to rest."

"Really?" Olivia asked in disbelief.

"You're already out and about," the doctor reminded her. "Just keep it short and make sure you're sitting down during the visit. It should be fine."

"Thank you," Olivia cried.

Thirty minutes later they were driving to the rehab center and Amanda looked at Olivia anxiously, "You know, Nick and Fin are gonna kill me for this? I was supposed to take you to the doctor and back home."

"It'll be fine," Olivia promised. "The doctor said I could go." She looked at the ultrasound photo in her hand and smiled, "Elliot will be so happy…"

Amanda couldn't help but smile. She hadn't seen Olivia this happy in weeks so maybe it would do her good to visit Elliot. She glanced back at Noah who was asleep in his car seat. She knew Fin brought Noah up to see Elliot a couple of times a week, but Olivia's contact with him had been limited to phone calls for a couple of weeks now. "So…the doctor said the baby's doing okay?" she asked.

Olivia nodded, "Yeah…she's good. And I'm doing okay considering…at least when he did my exam he said I wasn't dilating any. That's a good sign." She didn't want to tell anyone that even though the doctor had said she was doing well for now that he'd also said the baby would probably come early. They'd just hover over her even more, convinced that any tiny ache or pain she felt was the onset of labor and she didn't want to deal with that.

They pulled into the rehab center and Amanda quickly grabbed Noah from his car seat. Olivia managed with some effort to pull herself up from the car and then they walked inside. According to the nurse at the front desk, Elliot was in his room so they made their way down the long hall until they reached the door and Olivia peered around the corner, surprised when she saw him standing and even more shocked when he walked from the bed to a chair in the corner. His steps were slow and a little unsteady, but he was definitely walking…and all on his own. "El…" her voice creaked and he turned to look at her, shocked when he saw her standing there.

"Liv?" he questioned. "Honey…what are you doing here?" Elliot looked at her, taking in every inch of her body. Her maternity blouse was pulled tight over her stomach, her hand making delicate circles he assumed as a way to calm the baby or possibly ease her own discomfort. Her feet and legs were uncomfortably swollen and he noticed she was wearing flip flops, probably because none of her other shoes fit. Her face was puffy and her hands were bloated with water retention. He was worried about her…she didn't even remotely resemble herself anymore and she looked worse than she had when he'd seen her a couple of weeks ago. It scared him.

Olivia walked in and Amanda followed her, carrying Noah. "Dada…" the little boy squealed happily and when she put him down he ran to his father. By now Elliot had sat down in the chair and he picked Noah up sitting him in his lap.

Olivia walked over to join him, leaning over to kiss him and after the kiss Elliot put his hand gently on her stomach and sighed, "You're not supposed to be here," he reminded her. "You're supposed to be home in bed."

"I went to the doctor today, and he said I could come see you," she told him and he glanced at Amanda who nodded letting him know it was the truth.

"Well I'm glad," he smiled. "I missed you."

Olivia sat down in the chair across from him, "You were walking," she said eagerly. "By yourself. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want to get your hopes up," he admitted. "I'm still a little shaky at it, and I can't go for very long without having to sit down…"

"But you were walking," Olivia said seriously. "El…that's amazing."

"I'm gonna go out to the lobby and leave you two alone," Amanda said from the doorway.

"Oh…Elliot have you met Amanda," Olivia asked, looking toward the detective. "She's been helping out a lot."

"I think we met once," Elliot said, remembering the day he went to the police station and Amanda thought he had come to report a crime. He smiled briefly, relieved that he had remembered something as unimportant as that. He finally felt like his memory was back for good. "Thanks for helping her…I know she's not the easiest patient," he laughed.

Amanda laughed, "She's been great…much better than I would've expected." She smiled, "I'll come back and get Noah in about ten minutes. Remember, the doctor said a short visit."

Olivia nodded, watching as Amanda walked out the door. Then she turned back to Elliot, handing him the ultrasound picture, "Look…" she grinned. "She's sucking her thumb."

"Oh my God…" Elliot looked in awe at the picture. "She's so big…I've missed so much…I'm sorry…"

"You haven't missed anything," Olivia insisted. "A few appointments…that's all. You'll be home when we really need you and that's what's most important."

He nodded, "I wasn't going to tell you yet, but my doctor thinks I'll be able to come home soon…"

"What?" Olivia asked. "When?"

"Within the next week," Elliot sighed. "If I can pass the motor skills tests…I'm trying, Liv. I promise."

"I know you are," she brushed away the tears that were staining her cheeks. He was coming home and that was the best news she'd heard in months. "You're gonna come home…" She burst into tears, unable to stop herself and Elliot let Noah climb down from his lap, forcing himself to stand up and walked the few steps to her chair.

"Liv…it's okay," he reached out, hugging her close. "Don't cry…"

"I miss you," she admitted sadly. "This is so hard…"

"I know," he rubbed her back and brushed her hair out of her face. "I'm sorry I haven't been there to help. I promised you I would be there…and you've had to go through this all alone."

Olivia shook her head, "It's not your fault. I don't even know why I'm crying…"

"Because you're tired and overwhelmed and you feel miserable," Elliot reminded her. "And the hormones probably aren't helping…"

Olivia laughed a little with a sniffle, "I'm sorry…I'm such a mess."

"No you're not," Elliot smiled, rubbing her stomach gently with his hand and feeling the baby move beneath his touch, "Hey…she's kicking today."

"Yeah…I think the doctor agitated her," Olivia smiled.

Noah walked over to them, hugging his mother's legs and smiling, "Mama…go home?" he asked.

Elliot looked at the little boy and smiled, "You're trying to leave me?" he asked teasingly. Then he took the little boy's hand, placing it on the spot where the baby was kicking. "Do you feel that?" he asked. "That's your baby sister, Noah."

Noah giggled, "Baby…" he playfully smacked at Olivia's stomach, laughing when the baby would kick back at him, but it was only a matter of minutes before he grew bored with the game. "Go home, Mama?" he asked again.

"Yeah…we need to go home," Olivia nodded, letting out a deep breath and running her hand over her stomach.

"Are you alright?" Elliot asked nervously. "You don't look good, Liv. I'm worried…"

"I'm fine," she promised. "Just big and pregnant…" she gave a weak smile. "I'm gonna text Amanda that we're ready. I can't get Noah to the car by myself anymore." She pulled out her phone, sending a quick message.

"I wish I was home to help," Elliot said honestly.

"You will be…" Olivia's smile was tired and he knew she didn't have any energy left. He leaned forward, placing his lips firmly against hers, holding the kiss longer than he'd meant to but not wanting to pull away. When he did finally sit back and look at her, she sighed, "I miss kissing you…" she admitted.

"Me too," Elliot agreed. Amanda walked in, not sure if she had interrupted something, but the way they looked longingly at one another signaled that she had. Elliot squeezed Olivia's hand, "I'm gonna be home…really soon. Just hang in there, okay?"

She nodded sadly, achingly standing to her feet as Amanda took Noah's hand and he waved good-bye to his father while they walked out the door.


	80. Chapter 80

**Thanks again to everyone who has taken time to review. It means a lot to me. I know the story has been going on forever, and I think some people have stopped reading it either due to the storyline or the length, but I appreciate that so many have stuck with it. To those who said they'd like another 100 chapters...be careful what you wish for. ;) I doubt it'll end up that long, but I guess you never know. Obviously I have a lot to say through my writing. Anyway...thanks and here is some more.**

"You sure you'll be alright alone tonight?" Nick asked. Elliot had been home for three days and the squad was still taking turns staying with them. He was using his wheelchair most of the time, but he could walk short distances if he needed to. Yet with Olivia stuck on bed rest, he didn't have anyone to watch out for him in case he fell or needed help, and so she had asked Fin, Nick, and Amanda to keep watch over him. While she had fought their help tooth and nail for herself, she insisted Elliot accept it and it hadn't gone over well with him. He was determined to take care of his family on his own and he was ready for everyone to just leave them alone.

"We'll be fine," Olivia answered, unsure whether her answer rang true. She knew she'd be fine. She figured Elliot would be okay too. It was Noah she was worried about. He was an active toddler and he demanded full attention. She wasn't sure how well they could meet his needs while she was stuck in bed and Elliot was learning to maneuver the apartment in his wheelchair. Plus she couldn't shake the feeling that although Elliot was doing much better, he still wasn't his old self and maybe it wasn't safe to entrust Noah's wellbeing to him just yet. Still she was there to keep an eye on things, even if she was supposed to stay in bed, and Elliot needed the opportunity to be normal, to prove he was capable again, and she knew they'd have to face their new reality eventually. It might as well be now. "Nick…thanks so much…for everything."

He nodded, "You know I'd do anything for you. You call me if you need me…I'll be here."

"I know," Olivia sighed. "We're gonna be fine though. It might be a long night, but we can do this. El and I…we need to do this by ourselves. Get our lives back."

Nick nodded, walking out the door and stopping to tell Elliot good-bye before leaving the apartment. Then Elliot made his way down the hall, Noah perched on his lap, and wheeled his chair into the bedroom. "Finally…" he smiled and maneuvered his chair over to the bed, letting Noah climb off his lap and onto the bed next to his mother. "Just us…"

"Yeah," Olivia smiled, "It's been so long…it hasn't been just us in a while."

"I know you asked your friends to stay here," Elliot said. "But Liv, I swear, I can do this. We'll be fine."

"Maureen and Kate are coming tomorrow," Olivia told him. "They're gonna be here most of the day. As long as we can manage throughout the evenings, everything will be okay."

He slowly raised himself from the wheelchair, steadying himself on his feet and then climbed into bed next to her and Noah. He took the TV remote, turning on the television and clicking through the channels until he found a silly cartoon that would hold Noah's interest for a while. The little boy giggled and stared at the screen. "There…that should keep him busy for now," Elliot laughed.

"El," Olivia's voice was unsure. "I don't like him watching TV."

"Liv…all of my kids watched TV and they are perfectly fine," Elliot insisted.

"But there are a lot of studies that show stunted brain development when kids under two watch television," Olivia argued. "There've also been links to ADHD and autism…"

"You read way too many parenting articles," He teased. "It's not like we're gonna sit him in front of the TV twenty-four hours a day until he goes to kindergarten. He can watch cartoons for a half hour, okay?" She nodded reluctantly, but she was suddenly very worried that caring for Noah was going to be too much for Elliot. He reached over, resting his hand on her stomach, "How are you feeling?"

"Fine," Olivia forced a smile. "Tired…"

"You wanna take a nap?" Elliot asked. "I can take Noah back to the living room."

"No," Olivia said a little too anxiously.

Elliot's eyes widened, "So…you want to keep an eye on us?" he asked, the irritation apparent in his voice. "Since your friends left, you figure you'll have to monitor things from bed, right?"

"No…Elliot…it's not like that," Olivia insisted. "I just don't want you overdoing things, and I want to spend time with you and Noah. I've missed having family time."

His face softened some, "Okay…" he wasn't sure she was being honest, but he was working on not getting angry about things. "So…what should we do tonight to enjoy our family time?" he asked, rubbing his hand carefully over her stomach.

"Noah needs dinner," Olivia reminded him.

"So do you…" Elliot smiled.

Olivia shook her head, "I don't feel hungry."

"Liv…you have to eat," he insisted.

"Food makes me sick," she cringed, immediately remembering their frequent arguments over her morning sickness early in the pregnancy. She didn't want him to get upset now, so she gave in, "I'll eat a little bit of something, okay? And then I'll drink a nutrition shake. The doctor says those are easier on my stomach with the extra pressure."

"Okay," he leaned over, kissing her softly on the cheek. "I'll make something easy."

He stood from the bed slowly but steadily and sat back in the chair, reaching out for Noah, "Come on buddy…let's let Mommy rest until dinner." Noah climbed onto his lap, giggling as the rolled toward the door. "He likes going for rides in the chair," Elliot laughed and Olivia smiled at the two of them.

A while later she opened her eyes. She hadn't realized she was asleep until she was startled awake and it took a few seconds for her to realize what was happening. The smoke alarm was beeping, and she could smell something burning in the distance. She jumped from the bed, as quickly as she could considering her physical state, and rushed into the living room, "Elliot…" she yelled, noticing the smoke wafting in from the kitchen. "Noah…" she screamed for them as she made her way into the kitchen. "Oh my God…" she gasped, seeing the flames rising from the stove. Noah was in his highchair, crying from the combination of smoke and noise, and Elliot was on the floor and she couldn't tell from his expression if he was hurt or scared. She quickly grabbed the fire extinguisher from under the sink and put out the fire, relieved that it seemed contained to the pan on the stove. Luckily there was more smoke than fire. Then she knelt down as far as she could, "El…are you okay?" she asked, but he didn't answer her and Noah was still screaming. "I'll be right back," she promised, picking up her son and taking him into the living room away from the smoke and sitting him in the playpen. He was still crying, so she switched on the TV, putting it on the same cartoon he had been engrossed in before and he calmed down some. She opened some windows and rushed back to Elliot on the kitchen floor.

The smoke alarm continued to beep and even though the flames were out the smoke was still heavy in the air. She hoped the open windows would pull some of it out of the room and silence the alarm. She switched on the ceiling fan hoping it would help too. "El…come on. Let me help you up," she said gently.

He looked at her and shook his head, "I'm so sorry. I don't know how this happened."

"It was an accident," she sighed. "It's okay now."

Elliot shook his head, "I was just making some spaghettios for Noah…but I couldn't reach the stove in my chair so I stood up, and I lost my balance…I fell and I think I dropped the pot holder on the burner…I'm not even sure what happened, but there were flames and Noah was screaming…"

"It's okay…the fire's out." Olivia reminded him, relieved when the smoke alarm finally stopped beeping. "Let me help you up."

"No…" he argued. "You can't lift me up. You're not even supposed to be out of bed"

"Well you can't stay on the kitchen floor all night," she sighed, frustrated by the whole situation and trying not to show it. "Just take my hand and try to stand." Elliot reluctantly agreed and she was able to pull him up off the floor and guide him back to his chair. He was physically and emotionally drained, resting his head in his hands. "El…are you alright?'" she asked nervously.

"My head hurts," he admitted. "From the beeping and the flashing of the smoke alarm. I feel kind of dizzy…but I'm fine."

"Let's get you to bed," she suggested, wheeling the chair out of the kitchen and into the bedroom. She helped him strip down to his boxers and t-shirt and climb into bed. Then she walked back to the living room, grabbing Noah and feeding him cold cereal for dinner, not wanting to mess with the kitchen for the time being. By the time she tucked him into bed, all she wanted to do was sit in the rocking chair and watch him sleep. She knew she should be in bed, but she didn't want to leave her little boy yet. She couldn't get the picture of him sitting amid the smoke, flames just a few feet from him, out of her mind. She knew Elliot was trying…that he needed her to believe in him…but he wasn't ready to take on so much responsibility again and she should have known that. The fact that he'd practically burned down their kitchen was bad enough, but seeing him lying on the floor, writhing in pain and unable to help himself or Noah to safety was proof he couldn't be trusted, even though it wasn't his fault. He still needed someone to take care of him, and she didn't know how to confront him about it without hurting his pride, but she had to say something. They couldn't go on like this.

Just thinking about the situation left her feeling more anxious and afraid that she had all day. She exhaled sharply, feeling a slight twinge…probably the onset of the Braxton Hicks contractions she'd been having the past several days, and ran her hand over her stomach, "Stay put little girl," she pleaded, "Mommy's sorry for not staying in bed…but you can't come tonight," she closed her eyes, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, "Not tonight…"


	81. Chapter 81

**Thanks again for reviewing. It means a lot. :)**

Noah was crying…she could hear him and she knew she needed to wake up, but her head felt foggy. She forced her eyes open, looking around the room and barely remembering going to bed after the incident in the kitchen the night before. She sat up, noticing that Elliot was still asleep next to her. He didn't budge at the sound of the baby crying in the next room and she didn't want to wake him up. So she pulled herself out of bed and walked slowly toward her son's room. He was standing in his crib, crying and pounding with frustration on the side rails. "Hey now…" she walked over to him, stroking his cheek. "Mommy's here…calm down." She knew he wanted her to pick him up, and she knew she'd have to, but she really wasn't supposed to lift more than fifteen pounds and at nineteen months he weighed a little more than twenty. After she'd pulled Elliot off the floor, pushed his wheelchair to the bedroom, helped him to bed, and cuddled and calmed Noah the night before, she'd dealt with contractions half the night. They weren't strong and she was pretty sure they weren't progressing labor, but it still scared her. She sighed, picking up her son and holding him close, "Calm down baby," she whispered. "You're gonna wake Daddy up."

She took him to the changing table, quickly changing his diaper and deciding to leave him in his pajamas for now. She briefly thought back to an article on potty training she'd read a few days before when she was killing time in bed and she wondered if it was worth trying to train him a little early. He was a smart little boy and he'd met most of his milestones early or right on time, and it would definitely be easier if she didn't have two babies in diapers…but he was a boy and the article said boys had a harder time understanding when they needed to use the bathroom. He probably wasn't ready yet, and honestly she didn't have the energy to pursue it now anyway. Maybe after the baby was born it would be easier.

She put him down on the floor, and he whined that he wanted to be picked up. He was still tired and obviously in a grumpy mood. "Mama…" he cried and reached for her and she looked at his sad little face and it broke her heart.

"Noah…Mommy can't carry you right now," she grabbed his hand. "Let's go get you some breakfast," she suggested. "Are you hungry?" He sniffled and nodded, walking with her to the kitchen. When she walked in she was immediately faced with the mess from the night before and shook her head, overcome with exhaustion. Then she looked at her son, "Come on…" she lifted him reluctantly and put him in his highchair and then she served him the same cereal he'd had for dinner the night before. "God, I'm a terrible mother…" she sighed, watching as Noah happily ate his breakfast.

There was a knock at the door and she stood up and smiled at her son, "I bet that's Maureen and Kate," she winked at him, knowing he'd be happy to see them. Right then she was just grateful for the chance to have someone else in the apartment with them. She walked into the living room, short of breath as she answered the door, but relieved to see Maureen standing there.

"Olivia?" Maureen asked. "Are you alright? Why are you up answering the door?"

"It's a long story," Olivia answered as Kate ran into the room.

"Where's Poppy?" she asked, eager to see her grandfather.

"He's still asleep sweetie," Olivia explained. "But Noah's in the kitchen. You can go see him."

Kate ran off to the kitchen and Olivia and Maureen followed more slowly. Maureen was startled when Olivia stopped suddenly, wincing at the pressure she was feeling and taking a sharp breath as she put her hand to her stomach. "Are you okay?" Maureen asked nervously as she put her arm around her to steady her. "Are you having contractions?"

Olivia shook her head, "No…I don't think so," she let out the breath she was holding. "Not real ones anyway…just a lot of pressure and some little twinges."

"How long?" Maureen asked and she could tell Olivia didn't want to answer her. "How long have you been having the _twinges_?" she asked again.

"They started last night," Olivia admitted. "But then they stopped. That was the first one today. I think it's just because I picked Noah up and I'm not supposed to…"

"Then why are you?" Maureen asked.

"Because…someone has to take care of him," Olivia walked into the kitchen and Maureen followed her, still worried.

Then Maureen saw the stove and gasped, "Olivia…what happened in here?" Olivia sat down at the table, staring at Noah as he finished the last few bites of his cereal and Kate who was chatting with him even though he seemed to be ignoring her. "Olivia…answer me…what happened?" Maureen asked again.

Olivia looked at her, tears stinging her eyes and told the truth even though she didn't want to, "Your dad…he was trying to heat up some dinner…and I don't know exactly what happened but I woke up to the smoke alarm and a fire that I had to rush in here to put out. He was on the floor and he couldn't get up. He was dizzy from the alarm," she closed her eyes and let her head rest on her hand. "It was a bad night…"

"I thought you had friends staying with you?" Maureen asked sadly.

"Your dad wanted them to leave," Olivia sighed. "He wanted us to do this on our own. He wants to take care of us."

"He could've killed all of you," Maureen said angrily. "He was lucky you woke up, but Olivia, you are on bed rest for a reason. You can't spend all your time cleaning up his messes to try to make him feel successful. Think about the baby…"

"You think I'm not thinking about her?" Olivia argued. "Last night, I was so afraid I was going into labor…and I timed those stupid contractions all by myself because I couldn't wake him up…I knew he'd want to help and he couldn't and it would have just stressed me out even more. I didn't even know how I'd get to the damn hospital. Your dad can't drive anymore. I can't even fit behind the wheel. And who would take care of Noah?"

"Olivia…calm down," Maureen said gently, worried about her getting so worked up.

"This baby…she means everything to me," Olivia cried. "But I'm scared. She's going to come whenever she's ready, whether we are or not, and I can't worry about your dad when I have to worry about her. I'm afraid he won't be able to coach me through labor because it'll be too overwhelming for him, or he won't know what to do…but he'll be hurt if I tell him I need someone else with me. And after she's born, if she needs surgery or anything…I'm going to need someone stronger to help me through that. I love _him_…I do…but right now, I need someone to be here for me, and I feel like I'm all alone right now...like I'm taking care of another child…" She heard a clunking sound and turned to see Elliot in the doorway, sitting in his wheelchair. He had dropped a plastic cup on the floor, but he didn't try to reach down and get it. He just stared at them and Olivia wondered how long he had been listening. "El…" she cleared her throat, wiping away her tears and trying to plaster a fake smile on her face. "You're awake…"

"Drop it, Liv," he said sadly. "I heard you."

"I didn't mean…" she tried to explain but he cut her off.

"Yes you did," he sighed. "And you're right. I'm nothing but trouble around here…" Kate jumped down from the table and crawled into her grandfather's lap. She could sense he was upset and wanted to make him happy, wrapping her arms around his neck.

Maureen took Noah out of the highchair and looked at the two children, "Kate…take Noah to the living room to play," she said and Kate climbed off her grandfather's lap and grabbed Noah's hand walking him into the next room.

"El…I just had a rough night," Olivia tried to explain again. "I was venting…it wasn't because of you…"

"Like hell it wasn't," Elliot yelled. "I could tell you were pissed last night. I don't blame you, but I thought you were glad I was home…that you understood an accident can happen to anyone. I didn't know you felt like having me here was some kind of burden."

"I don't," Olivia insisted, tears streaming down her cheeks. "I love you."

"Call Fin and tell him you want him and the rest of your squad to go ahead and stay here," he sighed. "And you can have one of them there when you have the baby if you want. I can stay in the waiting room…"

"God Elliot," Olivia cried. "Would you stop this? We need help…and whether you like it or not, you can't do the things you used to do…not yet anyway. That doesn't mean I don't want you there when I have the baby. I just want some…backup."

"Yeah," he wheeled his chair back. "I think I'll just go play with the kids…you know, since _that's_ where I belong. Don't worry…you can come check on us whenever you want…make sure we're staying out of trouble."

She watched him leave the room and she didn't know what to say. There was nothing to say. Maureen looked sadly at her and sighed, "Olivia…you need to go to bed," she insisted. "I'll clean up this mess and I'll keep an eye on everything…I'll try to talk to him…"

Olivia shook her head, "He's right, you know. Having him home, it is a burden. I didn't realize how hard it would be…" she cried.

"Olivia…just go to bed," Maureen squeezed her shoulder and then helped her up from the chair. And a few minutes later, as she was lying on her side, trying to ease the pressure she was feeling from her latest Braxton Hicks contraction, Olivia could hear Elliot playing with Noah and Kate and she knew how much he loved all of them, how much he wanted things to be normal again. All she wanted was the man she loved to come back to her…and even though she knew he was still Elliot, he seemed so different now and she was afraid of having to learn to love this new person…of having to take care of him, while she took care of her active little boy and her special-needs daughter. This wasn't the family she'd planned on, but her life had changed so quickly and it was the family she had. Olivia had lived without a family for more years than she cared to remember, so no matter what she loved the one she'd been blessed with. It was just hard…harder than she thought it would be…and even though she was strong, she wasn't sure she had enough strength for this.


	82. Chapter 82

**Sorry it has taken so long to update. I've been super busy. Anyway, thanks for all the reviews and PMs about the last chapter. Here is some more.**

She wasn't sure how long she had been asleep, but when she heard the bedroom door open she knew from the sound that Elliot was wheeling himself into the room. She didn't open her eyes. They needed to talk, she knew that, but she didn't know what to say to him. She knew he was hurt, and she knew she was the one who had hurt him by saying things she'd tried to keep bottled up that in a moment of fear and weakness had simply poured out. Why did he have to overhear her at that exact moment? She didn't even want to face him now.

"Olivia," he was at the side of the bed, tapping her shoulder. His voice was void of any emotion, so she couldn't read his mood. He tapped her again, "Wake up…" She reluctantly opened her eyes and looked at him and she could tell from his face he was still hurt, and she really couldn't blame him. "Maureen made lunch," he said, sitting a plate on the nightstand beside her. "The kids and I ate already, and I know you're tired, but you need to eat too."

She sat up and looked at him, "Thanks…" her voice quivered and he looked more concerned than hurt then.

"Are you feeling alright?" he asked. "You're so tired all the time…"

"I'm okay," she insisted. "I don't know why I'm so tired…I can't keep my eyes open…"

"Maybe because you were up all night with contractions?" Elliot said, a hint of frustration in his voice. She nodded, and his voice softened, "Why didn't you wake me up? Why didn't you feel like you could tell me? I know I'm not the way I used to be, but I still love you and I love our daughter, Liv. You know I would've done all I could to help you last night."

"I was scared," she admitted, holding back her tears.

"Scared of what?" he asked. "Scared of me?"

"No…of course not," Olivia sighed. "I was scared of hurting you. You were so dizzy from the smoke alarm and you needed to sleep. I knew the contractions would probably let up. I was afraid if I woke you up, you might panic and I didn't want to make things worse for you."

"You told Maureen that I would have stressed you out," Elliot said. "What did you mean by that?"

Olivia shook her head, "Nothing…I was just tired and…"

"Don't give me that. What did you mean by it?" he asked again.

She didn't answer right away, trying to choose the right words, but she knew no words would be the right ones. "I get stressed out trying to keep things normal for you," she admitted. "I want you to be happy…I want you to feel successful…but sometimes I feel like when things aren't the way they used to be, you feel upset and hurt and it's my job to make things better for you. And last night, I didn't know how you would react if you thought I was in labor, knowing you couldn't drive me to the hospital, or help me walk during the contractions…and I was afraid if I woke you up, I'd not be strong enough to keep you calm and make things normal for you." She looked serious, "If the contractions had gotten worse, I would've woke you up…I promise. I was just trying to get through it…I'm sorry," she sniffled, wondering if she'd had even one day throughout her whole pregnancy where she hadn't given into her tears.

"Olivia…" he closed his eyes, trying not to show his own emotions. He didn't know what to say to her. He needed her in his corner and he didn't want her to give up on him when he was trying so hard to get things back to normal, but he didn't want her stressed out or afraid either. "Please don't keep things from me," he pleaded. "If we're going to get through this…we have to be honest with each other."

She nodded, "Okay, I'll try."

"Do you still want me here?" he asked, almost afraid of the answer. "Or would you rather I go back home to Queens?"

"What?" Olivia gasped. "El…of course I want you here. I love you…you know I do…"

"I know you love me," he answered. "But if having me here is making you uncomfortable…or scared…or whatever…I can go home. I talked to Maureen and she's willing to help me at the house…"

"You can't manage the stairs at your house," Olivia argued. "And Maureen has a new job now. She can't be home all the time."

Elliot nodded, "That wasn't exactly the response I'd hoped for," he admitted, his eyes saddened.

"What do you mean?" she asked, confused.

"I wanted you to say you didn't want me to leave because you need me here," Elliot answered. "That you don't want to go through all of this by yourself. That you want me with you."

"Of course I want you with me," she cried. "I do. We're having this baby…"

"A baby isn't a reason to stay together," Elliot said sadly.

Olivia's eyes widened, "What are you saying? You don't want to stay here?"

"No…but Liv, if we can't move on and make things work the way they are now," he sighed. "I don't want you to be unhappy and I don't want you to feel scared all the time…and I can't spend the rest of my life feeling like a burden to you."

"Please stop…" she sputtered through her sobs. "I said I was sorry. I don't know how else to make this right. I wish I could do a better job taking care of you, and Noah, and this baby. I wish I wasn't so fat and miserable and tired…I wish I hadn't said the things I said in the kitchen. I didn't mean to hurt you…"

"Alright Liv, calm down," he said gently. "I didn't mean to upset you."

"You want to leave me," she cried. "But you didn't think that would upset me?"

"I thought you'd be relieved," he admitted.

"Elliot…I have been alone almost my entire life," Olivia sighed. "And now, I have the family I never thought I'd have…and I love you and Noah, our daughter, all of your kids. I'm scared of losing you…that you might not ever fully recover from the shooting…and whether or not you're in a wheelchair for the rest of your life or can run a marathon by next month isn't going to change how I feel about you. But what I'm afraid of is how you don't want to admit we need help. We can't do all of this alone…and if I ask for someone to help us, I feel like I risk losing a little piece of you because you get so upset and offended."

"I just want us to live our lives together," Elliot replied. "We've always been able to get through anything together."

Olivia shook her head, "I'm so tired, El," she cried. "I feel like I'm failing you because you need me and I'm so tired…"

"Liv," he squeezed her hand, "I'm sorry. I know you're miserable…and I wanted to take care of you and the baby. I didn't mean for you to have to take care of everything last night. And then you ended up having contractions because you were doing so much, and it was all my fault…"

Olivia shook her head, "I know last night was an accident." She squeezed his hand tighter, "Anyone can have an accident."

"I don't want to live here with your friends in and out," Elliot insisted, "I feel like they are intruding on our life together. I really think we can do this on our own."

"I'm not sure we can," Olivia admitted.

"You've never been one to accept help," Elliot sighed.

"It's not for me," Olivia said tearfully. "It's for the baby. I can't risk her health anymore. I have to stay on bed rest."

"I can take care of things," Elliot insisted. "Liv…last night was just an accident. I promise, I can take care of you and Noah. I can make food in the microwave instead of using the stove and I can give Noah his bath and change him. And I can rub your back if you are having contractions and we can time them together…and when we know for sure you are in labor, I can call a cab. And through it all….you don't have to be stressed about making me feel normal…just treat me like me."

"El…" she cried. "I'm scared."

"I know," he said softly, "So am I…but this is how things are for us now. All we can do is get through it."

"I'd feel better if we let someone come check on us throughout the day," Olivia suggested. "Just in case we need help…okay?"

"Alright, I suppose that would be okay, but I don't want people staying the night," he forced a smile and then looked toward her plate, "You need to eat your lunch," he reminded her.

Olivia shook her head, "I really don't feel well. I don't want to eat."

"Are you still having contractions?" he asked. "Tell me the truth."

"No," she assured him. "When I lay on my side, they usually stop. I just feel sick…"

He reached his hand out, lifting her shirt slightly and letting it rest on the warmth of her skin. "She's not moving…"

"She doesn't move around much," Olivia reminded him. "I felt her earlier though. She's okay."

"Maybe we should call the doctor," he suggested. "Let him know you're not feeling very good."

"El…I haven't felt good in months," Olivia insisted. "I don't need the doctor. He'll just tell me I should've stayed in bed or worse, he'll make me go the hospital so they can monitor me."

"Well maybe you need to go to the hospital," he argued.

"No…please…I'm fine," she begged. "Don't call the doctor. I promise, I'm okay." She sat up a little more, sliding her legs to the side of the bed.

"What're you doing?" Elliot asked. "You need to stay in bed."

"I have to go to the bathroom," she sighed. He watched as she struggled to pull herself up from the bed, completely out of breath by the time she was on her feet, and he would've given anything to be able to help her. This wasn't how he had envisioned their future together, and he knew it wasn't what she'd counted on either. They had a long road ahead of them, but together they could get through. He stood up from his chair, steadying himself. "What are you doing?" she asked.

"This," he reached out pulling her close to him and kissing her softly on the lips. He pulled away from the kiss, his face serious, "I love you…" he whispered.

Olivia smiled, "I know…I love you too."

"We're gonna be okay," he promised. "All of us…you, me, Noah…and our little princess."

Olivia nodded, "Yeah…we're gonna be fine." She wasn't sure she believe it, but she was going to try.


	83. Chapter 83

**Another chapter to make up for not posting the last couple of days. Enjoy! :)**

A few days later Olivia was sitting on the couch, dressed in the nicest clothes that she could still fit into, with Noah playing beside her. She was nervous. The social worker had called, wanting to come for her final home visit before the adoption and she was bringing Judge Linden with her. The judge wanted to come and see for herself how the family was adjusting now that Elliot was out of the hospital and he still needed to sign the adoption petition. The judge had requested medical records from Elliot's doctor with a statement that proved he was mentally competent to sign the adoption papers after his brain injury, and luckily the doctor had agreed Elliot's progress was good and he could legally make such decisions. Olivia knew the judge was making special accommodations for them, and she was grateful, but she was still scared.

"It's gonna be fine," Elliot tried to assure her but he was worried himself. Olivia was Noah's mother, and if she lost him, Elliot would never forgive himself. He'd even called Fin and asked him to come over and help him clean up the apartment and make sure everything was in order for the visit, and asking Fin for help was one of the hardest things he'd ever done, but he did it for Olivia and their son. He could put his pride aside for them.

"What if they think I'm not taking good care of him since I'm on bed rest?" she asked nervously. "What if he runs off during the interview and we can't chase him down? What are they gonna say about us, El?" She closed her eyes, "We are not good parents…"

"Yes…we are," Elliot insisted. "Noah is fine. He's happy…he's healthy…and he loves us." He smiled at her, "Especially you…he's in love with his mommy…and so am I."

Olivia smiled, "I hope this goes well." Her last visit had been while Elliot was in the hospital and it had been extremely short. She'd called and explained the situation to the judge and she'd been very understanding. She hoped she still would be.

There was a knock at the door, and Elliot wheeled himself over to answer it. He'd wanted to try walking while their visitors were there, but Olivia had convinced him it would be better to do what was most comfortable when they were already under the watchful eye of the social worker. He opened the door, and welcomed the two women as they walked into the room.

"Detective Stabler," Judge Linden said softly, a look of pity on her face that made Elliot cringe. "It's been years…"

"Yes…it has," he extended his hand and shook hers, "But I'm not a detective anymore. Just call me Elliot."

"Okay…Elliot," she smiled and introduced him to the social worker, "This is Miss Carter, from social services."

"What happened to Mrs. Morrison?" Olivia asked from the couch, turning to look at them as they walked toward her. "She's been here the last two times."

"She quit," Judge Linden said, sitting in the chair closest to the couch, while Miss Carter sat across from them. "Unfortunately we lose a lot of social workers…but you know how stressful the job is Sergeant Benson." She looked at Noah, playing by his mother and smiled, "So, how is our little guy doing?"

"He's good," Olivia smiled. "Growing up so fast." She ran her fingers through his hair and he looked up at her and giggled. "Noah…these nice ladies are here to see you," she said gently. "Can you say hello to them?"

He looked at them and waved, but didn't say anything, and immediately turned back to his toy.

"He seems happy," the judge smiled. "I know I made the right choice." She watched as Olivia shifted uncomfortably on the couch, "How are you doing? Are you feeling okay?"

"I'm fine," Olivia insisted. "The doctor put me on bed rest, so that's been a hassle…"

"How are you two managing things then?" Miss Carter asked, taking notes in the file.

"We're doing fine," Elliot insisted. "We have friends and family helping for now…and I can still take care of a lot. Noah's well cared for, I can promise you that."

"It's not our practice to place children in adoptive homes with two disabled parents," Miss Carter said quickly. "That is certainly not in the best interest of the child."

"I'm not disabled," Olivia argued. "I'm pregnant. Once I have the baby everything will get back to normal. And Elliot is getting better…he's made so much progress…"

"Don't worry," the judge assured her. "Everything is fine…" she gave a nervous glance at the social worker.

"I'm still not sure this is something we can do," the social worker wrote vigorously in the file. She looked at the judge, "We may have to do a removal order…at least for the time being."

"No…" Olivia gasped. "You're not taking him…" She picked up her son and held him close. "He's my son…"

"He's your _foster_ child," the social worker reminded her.

"Please…don't do this," Elliot pleaded. "Olivia is a good mother. If this is because of me not being able to take care of them…you can take my name off the adoption petition and we'll hire someone to come in and take care of things until the baby is born. You can't take him…"

"We're not," the judge looked seriously at her colleague. "I don't care what you normally do…I know this little boy is in good hands. They're good parents and you are _not_ taking him."

"Do you think it's fair for the child to grow up without two healthy parents?" the social worker asked the judge. "And I see in the records that their baby also has disabilities. How much time will they be able to devote to Noah?"

Judge Linden looked sadly at Olivia who was still clinging to her son, "What's wrong with your baby?" she asked.

"Nothing is _wrong_ with her. She has Down syndrome," Olivia answered tearfully. "And if I had known that would be used against us, I'd never have told Mrs. Morrison when she asked me about the baby last time. This isn't fair…I love both of my children and I will take care of them both…" she looked at Elliot, "We both will."

"I know you will," the judge said gently. She looked at the social worker, "We are approving the adoption."

"I don't agree with you," Miss Carter argued.

"I have known these people for over a decade," the judge said honestly, "And you've known them for ten minutes. You're basing all your judgments on things you are reading in that file and some misconceived notion about who makes a good parent."

"I'm following my training," Miss Carter defended herself.

"You can't learn everything about people in your training courses," the judge replied. "And no matter what you recommend, I am the one who will make the final decision in court, and I will give them their son. So you might as well approve the paperwork now."

The social worker marked some boxes in the file and handed it over to the judge. Then she stood up and walked out the door without saying anything else.

"We love our son," Elliot said seriously. "I may not be as capable as I used to be, but I'd give my life for that little boy. You have to know that."

"I do," the judge said gently. She pulled out the adoption papers and looked over them, "I need you both to fill these out so I can get them filed and we'll set a final adoption date."

Elliot stood carefully from his chair, and moved next to Olivia on the couch. He looked at the paper, "His name is Noah Porter?" he asked. "He's not biologically related to Dean Porter, is he?" he asked.

Olivia laughed, "No…trust me."

"You can change his name on his new birth certificate. First, middle, and last…just put it on the form," the judge said.

"His name is Noah," Olivia insisted. "I don't want to change that…but we could pick middle name for him."

Elliot nodded, "What are you thinking?"

"I want his name to be special…" she smiled. "What about Noah Elliot…after his daddy?"

Elliot smiled, "That's really sweet Liv, but Eli's name is already Elliot Jr. and I don't want to make my sons share a name."

"I didn't think of that…you're right," Olivia agreed. "But I don't know the right name."

"I do," Elliot took the paper and pen and wrote their son's name as neatly as he could. His handwriting had gone downhill after the shooting, but he was careful so everyone could read it and he handed the paper to Olivia, "This…is special…"

"El…" she looked at the paper and then back to him. Then she nodded in agreement, "Noah Oliver Benson-Stabler," she read her son's name aloud for the first time. Then she looked at her son, "Do you like your new name, buddy?" she asked and nodded in agreement. She signed her name at the bottom and handed to paper to Elliot who signed it as well and passed it to the judge.

"Good," the judge smiled, "I'll file this today and we'll have our finalization hearing on…" she looked at her calendar, "May 21. Does that work for you?"

"It should be fine," Olivia agreed, anxious to have the final adoption papers in her hand.

"As long as we're not at the hospital having a baby," Elliot reminded her.

"She's not due until four weeks later," Olivia insisted. "We'll be fine."

"Well, if something changes just let me know and we'll reschedule," Judge Linden said happily. "I'm so happy for your little family. This is perfect."

"Thank you," Olivia let her tears fall down her cheeks.

"When are you getting married?" the judge asked. "Because you know…I can perform weddings too."

Elliot laughed, "I'm not sure she's ready to marry me yet."

"Yes I am," Olivia said seriously. "I'm ready…whenever you are."

"We could always have you marry us at the adoption hearing," Elliot teased. "That'd be a first I'm sure."

The judge nodded, "I love doing things the unconventional way," she smiled. "I'll set aside some extra time that day and you bring all your family and friends. We'll get all your big life moments taken care of at once."

"Are you _serious_?" Olivia asked in disbelief.

"I was teasing…but it could work," Elliot answered. "If you want to…"

Olivia bit her bottom lip and looked from Elliot to the judge to her son and nodded, "I want to…"

"Good," the judge stood up and walked to the door. "I'll let myself out. See you in a couple weeks. Don't forget to get your marriage license."

She walked out and Elliot leaned over, kissing Olivia gently on the lips. He rested his hand on her stomach, pulling away from the kiss when he felt the baby kick, watching as the fabric of her green blouse fluttered with the movement. "You're a happy little thing today, aren't you?" he teased, gently rubbing his hand over her stomach.

Noah reached out and hugged his mother's stomach, "Baby…kisses…" he said, placing a kiss on her stomach and laughing when the baby kicked at him. Then he climbed up and kissed Olivia and climbed over to Elliot giving him a slobbery kiss as well, before settling himself in his lap.

"I love you," Olivia cried, leaning over and kissing Elliot once more. "Thank you…"

"For what?" he asked.

"For being you," she brushed away her tears and rested her head on his shoulder, and for the first time in a long time she felt like they were going to be okay.


	84. Chapter 84

**Since I may not have as much time to post during the week, I wanted to make sure to give you all one more chapter before the weekend is over. Thanks again for the fantastic reviews! They are motivation to continue this story and I appreciate every single one. :)**

"Noah's asleep," Elliot said as he climbed into bed next to Olivia. "I thought he'd never close his eyes," he yawned. "He wants you…"

"I know," Olivia said sadly. "I miss tucking him in. I won't get to do it again until after the baby's born."

He ran his hand over her stomach and smiled, "She'll be here before we know it," he reminded her.

"I just hope she waits," Olivia put her hand on his, feeling the warmth of his skin against her own. "I'm doing the best I can to keep her safe…but I'm so scared she's going to come too soon."

"She's going to come when _she's_ ready," Elliot smiled. "We just have to follow her lead. She'll be okay…I know that."

"If I thought for sure that she'd be okay…I'd really want her to go ahead and make her grand entrance into the world…right now," Olivia closed her eyes, trying to catch her breath. "I can't even breathe and I'm just laying here."

"I'm sorry you feel so rotten," Elliot kissed her softly on the lips and brushed her hair away from her face. "I know this pregnancy hasn't been easy…and I haven't been here to help you like I should have…"

"You're here," she said. "You were there early on to hold my hair while I puked for months, and you're here now when I'm so big I can't even roll myself over on the bed. I'm sad you missed the few short weeks where I actually felt decent. All you've been able to experience is me acting moody and looking like hell."

He laughed a little, "You don't look like hell. You look beautiful…"

"_You_…are a liar," she laughed. "And not a good one."

"I'm not lying," he leaned over, kissing her again and when he pulled away from the kiss he looked more serious. "Liv? I don't want to argue…so if what I'm about to say is going to upset you…just tell me to shut up and we'll forget about it."

"What?" she asked nervously.

"Why did you say you wanted to get married today…when we were talking to Judge Linden?" he asked. "We don't have to if you're not ready. If you felt pressured with her there watching…"

"No," Olivia insisted. "I said yes because I want to get married. Do you _not_ want to?"

"Of course I want to," Elliot sighed. "I love you…but a few days ago you weren't even sure we could handle staying together…"

"No…that was you," Olivia argued. "_You_ wanted to leave _me_…"

"No I didn't," Elliot answered. "I thought it would be better for you…but I believed you when you said you wanted me to stay. Liv…a few days ago you weren't sure we could do this. You were scared…remember?"

"I'm still scared," Olivia admitted.

"Then are you sure you're ready to get married right now?" Elliot asked. "I don't want us to make a mistake. I don't want you to regret marrying me."

"I want to marry you," Olivia said again.

"What made you decide to say yes so fast?" Elliot asked. "If you didn't feel pressured because the judge was there, then what made you say yes?"

"_You_ did," Olivia said seriously. "When the social worker said she was going to take Noah…" she sniffled sadly, "You said if she let me keep him, you'd take your name off the adoption petition and hire someone to take care of us." She cried, "I've been so afraid…so worried that you weren't the same person you used to be…and maybe that was wrong and I was being unfair, but I couldn't stop myself from feeling like that. I tried…and I just couldn't. But when you said that…I knew. Things might be different on the surface, but you would give up everything for me and Noah, and you weren't going to let me lose him."

"I would never have let that woman take him, Liv," Elliot assured her. "If you lost him because of me, I'd never forgive myself."

"That's when I realized that I've been stupid. I know things are different, and I know sometimes you still get confused about things and that physically it's hard for you to get around, but inside…you're the man I've been in love with for most of my adult life…and I'm sorry I was blind to that before," Olivia said softly. "I'm so sorry…"

"Hey…" he held her close and let her cry. "I have to take some of the blame here. I haven't been fair either. I know I should have let people come and help us. And I know how hard this pregnancy has been, right from the beginning, but especially now…I should have made it okay for you to ask your friends to help us…and I never should have said I would move back to the house in Queens. I knew that would hurt you…and I said it anyway."

"I just want us to be okay," Olivia sighed. "I'm tired of not being okay. I want to get married and raise our two beautiful kids…and be happy."

"Well, I'm happy _now_," Elliot smiled. "Are you happy?" he brushed away her tears.

She nodded and forced a weak smile, "I am…" she laughed a little, "even though I'm crying…"

"Hormones…" Elliot teased.

"Shut up," she laughed, sniffling as she wiped away the last of her tears. "I'm a mess…"

"No…you're perfect," he smiled.

"I'm hungry…" she said uneasily.

"_Really_?" Elliot asked. "I've been fighting you to eat for a week now. You didn't even eat dinner."

"I know…" Olivia shrugged. "I was gagging the whole time I tried to drink the nutrition shake."

"Did you throw up?" Elliot asked. "You didn't tell me you were sick."

She shook her head, "No…I just couldn't get it down…but I feel like I could eat something now. Maybe the baby moved a little…or some of the fluid pushing on my stomach went down…I don't know…"

"Well what do you want to eat?" he asked.

"I don't know," Olivia grimaced. "I'm afraid whatever I eat will make me sick. I'm tired of being sick."

"I know you are," Elliot ran his hand over her stomach once more. "Why don't I go see what we have that would be gentle on your stomach…just in case you feel sick a couple of bites into it."

"You don't have to…" she started, but he climbed out of bed anyway and into his wheelchair.

"I'll be right back," he smiled, and she watched him leave.

She forced herself to sit up a little more in bed, trying to situate a pillow behind her back. She ran her hand over to stomach, whispering softly, "Please let me eat something without getting sick," she pleaded. "I just want to get back to normal."

Elliot came back in the room, holding up two of Noah's pudding cups and smiled, "So…chocolate or butterscotch?" He climbed back into bed and held them out toward her.

"Butterscotch," she smiled, reaching for it.

"Really?" he laughed, "Since when do you _not_ choose chocolate?"

Olivia shrugged, "Maybe your daughter likes butterscotch," she laughed. "She never seems to care what I like." She took a spoon from him and quickly opened the container, dipping the spoon in the pudding. Then she watched as he fumbled with the top of the chocolate cup. His motor skills were still not strong enough to grasp the plastic and pull it away from the container. "Here…" she took it from him and opened it, handing it back to him.

"Thanks," he whispered, trying not to dwell on the fact that he couldn't do such a simple task for himself.

"You'll get there," she assured him. "It takes time…but I know you'll get there." She took a bite of her pudding and watched as he took a bite of his. "I think I want to taste the chocolate…" she laughed.

"Of course you do," he teased, holding it out to her while she dipped her spoon inside.

"They taste really good mixed together," she smiled. Then she held her container out so he could dip his spoon in hers.

"It's not bad," he said. "Noah's not gonna be happy that we are eating his snacks," he laughed.

"He won't mind," Olivia insisted. "He's sharing with his baby sister." Elliot watched as she continued to mix the two flavors on her spoon, taking eager bites and he was relieved she was actually eating something for a change. "Don't you want some?" she asked, noticing the containers were almost empty.

"Nah…I'm not hungry," he smiled. "You and the baby can have it."

She scooped out the last of the pudding, savoring the final bite, "Thanks…for taking care of us…"

"Always," Elliot put his arm around her and she leaned her head on his shoulder. "I have to take care of my two best girls…"

She laughed, and grabbed his hand, "Feel her…" she put his hand on her stomach and laughed when the baby shifted. "She loved the pudding…"

"I guess she did," he smiled. "I'm glad you can still feel her sometimes, Liv. I know it scared you when the doctor said the fluid might keep you from feeling her move when we already knew her movement would be limited. You deserve to be able to feel her move…all mothers should get to experience that."

"It's harder for her," Olivia said seriously, "So when she does start kicking like that…I'm proud of her. She's a fighter," she squeezed his hand, "Like her daddy."


	85. Chapter 85

**Sorry I haven't had much time for updating. The start of the school year always hinders my plans. Anyway...here is a little more. I will have more to post this weekend. Thanks again for the reviews.**

Olivia could hear Noah giggling through the baby monitor when she woke up the next morning. She looked at the clock, noticing she had slept much later that she thought and turned to see Elliot was no longer in bed beside her. She struggled to pull herself up from the bed, then walked slowly toward the bathroom. When she emerged from the bathroom a while later, Elliot was in the hall, sitting in his chair with Noah perched on his lap. She walked over to them, leaning forward to kiss them both, "Why'd you let me sleep so late?" she asked with a yawn.

"Because, you need to sleep," Elliot insisted. "You should be in bed right now."

"I had to go to the bathroom," she told him. "My bladder feels like it's gonna burst most of the time," she sighed, "Just like the rest of me."

"You're not gonna burst," he laughed, "But you do need to lay down. You shouldn't be up."

"Then come lay down with me," she pleaded. "Both of you…we can have a lazy family day in bed."

"Day in bed?" Elliot laughed. "With this guy," he looked at Noah who was already trying to climb down from his lap. "I don't think he'll go for that."

Olivia knew he was right, but she was disappointed and it frustrated her that she felt that way. She felt needy and she didn't _want_ to feel like that. "You're right…" she said sadly. "But I'm so bored…"

"You just woke up," Elliot reminded her. "How can you be bored already?"

"Because I'm sick of television, I've read more parenting articles than anyone should have to read in their lifetime, and I miss the two of you. I hear you playing together and talking…and I feel lonely," she admitted.

"You're not alone," Elliot smiled, reaching out and patting her stomach lightly. "You have our little princess to keep you company."

"Yeah…sometimes I think she's trying to kill me though," Olivia replied as she walked back to the bedroom.

Elliot watched as she walked away, wondering what she meant by her comment. Maybe she was just so physically miserable that she was being sarcastic about the baby trying to kill her, but the comment still worried him. She was obviously sad spending all day in bed, and he was worried about her health as well. Her blood pressure was still too high and the swelling in her hands, legs, and feet never seemed to go down anymore. He knew Olivia was worried the baby would be born too early, but watching her he was afraid of the toll this pregnancy had taken on her health. "Should we go keep Mommy company for a while, Noah?" Elliot asked the little boy who finally wriggled free from him and ran down the hall toward the bedroom.

When he wheeled himself into the room, Noah had already climbed up on the bed, yet another new task he had mastered and was chattering to Olivia about something he couldn't really understand, but she was engrossed in her son's endless babbling. "We decided you needed some company after all," Elliot said as he wheeled himself over to the bed. "We can't let you feel lonely."

"Thanks…" she said, tears in her eyes and she patted the side of the bed, "Come sit with us."

He slowly stood from his chair and walked the few steps to the bed, more steadily that usual. Then he climbed in beside them. "So…how are we gonna spend this lazy day in bed?" he asked.

"I want to teach Noah to color," Olivia smiled. "He's getting old enough…he could go to preschool next fall."

"Liv…he's kind of young for preschool," Elliot was unsure. "He won't even be two until a month after school starts."

"Well, I was thinking like a daycare-preschool," she suggested. "Somewhere he could go while I'm at work…the baby too."

"Your hours are crazy," he reminded her. "We can't put them in daycare. I thought that was why you hired Maureen?"

"Mama…watch TV," Noah whined, picking up the remote and handing it to Olivia.

She turned on the TV, putting it on a cartoon that would entertain Noah for a while, disgusted in her lack of parenting, and turned back to Elliot. "We can't afford a nanny, El…and besides, Maureen really likes her new job." She sighed, dreading this conversation, "We need to talk about our financial situation."

"Liv…I know we're gonna be struggling for a while after the baby comes," Elliot said. "But I promise you things will be fine."

"El…I'm going to run out of sick leave before I go back to work. I don't know what we're going to do without my salary," Olivia admitted. "And you're not working at all…you might not be able to anymore…and your temporary disability is going to run out in July. It only lasts for six months."

"I know that," he sighed. "But I'm getting better. I'm going to go back to work."

She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath and exhaling slowly. "El, I don't want to upset you," she said sadly. "But they aren't going to give you your job back after you've had a head injury like that. It's too big of a liability."

He knew she was right, but he hadn't let himself think about it. "Then I will find something else," he said quickly. "I promise…I'll find a way to take care of my family."

"But…it is going to take time," Olivia added. "And I understand that. I don't want you to think I'm pressuring you to find work. That's not what I meant at all. We need to make some decisions though."

"What kind of decisions?" Elliot asked.

"Like…where are we going to live?" she asked. "I know you want to move to your house in Queens eventually…but I don't think it's even something we can consider because you can't do the stairs and even if…_when_…you get better it's going to be hard. And with a toddler and a baby, I don't know that it's safe…"

"My other kids were toddlers and babies in that house, Liv," Elliot argued. "That isn't a good enough reason. Besides, you're worried about money and the house is almost paid for. If we moved there, you could sell this place. It costs too much anyway…and it's too small."

"I know it's expensive, and I know there isn't much room…" she began but he interrupted her.

"Don't start trying to defend staying here," he insisted. "Liv, you agreed we needed to move. For now, of course we can stay. I don't want to uproot you right now and Lord knows I can't handle a big move either…but honey, this place sucks a lot of money out of our budget. You could make a decent profit selling it…"

"And you could make more selling yours because it is almost paid off," Olivia suggested. "If I sell this one, what I get for it will barely cover what I still owe on it."

"So you want me to sell my house?" Elliot asked. "That's what this is about?"

"No…it's about how we are going to make ends meet," Olivia insisted. "Daycare is cheaper than a nanny…so if I can stick to some kind of regular hours we can save money there. If you sell the house, and I sell this apartment, we can use that money to find a place that will work for us…something on one level with enough bedrooms for all of us..."

Elliot nodded, "I just can't imagine selling the house," he sighed. "I know it makes sense, but with everything else going on…I just don't know…"

"My savings should last us a little while," she said softly. "Even when my sick leave runs out…but El, we have to figure this out."

"I know," he nodded. "I want what's best for you and the kids…I really do…"

"I want what's best for all of us," she added. "I mean…Eli doesn't even have a place to sleep here and I know he wants to spend the night…you want him to…"

"The last time he was over here he said he would sleep on the couch, but he wanted to go home soon," Elliot admitted.

Olivia nodded, "I think if we found a bigger place, all on one level, everyone would be happy. Not right this second, but after the baby born…maybe when I go back to work."

"I'll think about it," Elliot promised. He looked at Noah, still engrossed with the TV. "I can see why you didn't want him watching television so much. He's addicted…"

Olivia laughed, pulling out a coloring book and crayons for the night stand and clicking off the TV. "Noah…let's color a picture," she suggested, putting the crayon in his hand and guiding his coloring on the page.

"You keep crayons and coloring books in your nightstand?" Elliot asked laughing.

She smiled, "I asked Maureen to bring them the other day. I feel like I'm getting behind on teaching Noah new things. I'm so distracted by everything else…"

"You have every right to be distracted," Elliot reminded her.

"I just don't want to let him down," she sighed. "I want to be a good mother. That's all I've ever wanted."

"You are a wonderful mother," Elliot stroked her cheek. "Liv…Noah adores you. And you are going through so much to get our daughter here safe and sound. I'm in awe of you…I truly am."

"Thanks," she said softly.

Noah grabbed a purple crayon, scribbling across the page with anxious movements and Elliot laughed, picking up a yellow crayon and trying to color in the lines himself, which thanks to his poor motor skills was no easy feat. He took a deep breath, giving a sad sigh, "I swear I feel like I'm learning this right along with him."

"You're doing so much better, El," Olivia said. "I'm in awe of _you_…no one else could have recovered so well, so quickly."

"When Maureen takes me to physical therapy tomorrow I'm going to ask about using a walker instead of the chair," he said. "I think I'm ready…and I need to be more mobile. It kills me that I can't help you get out of bed, or walk with you when you're trying to ease some of the contractions you've had."

"You shouldn't feel bad, El," she said tearfully. "I know you'd help me if you could…and you already do way more than you should have to…more than you should be doing while you're recovering. I'm worried about you…"

"I'm worried about you too," he admitted. "You're too big…and I don't want to make you mad by saying that…"

She laughed, "You're not…I _am_ too big." Her face turned more serious, "Some days I'm scared my body can't really go on like this. The Braxton Hicks are so exhausting, but they are happening more and more. I'm tired all the time…my chest flutters sometimes and I swear I'm going to have a heart attack…"

"Why didn't you tell me that?" Elliot asked nervously.

She shook her head, "Because there is nothing you can do about it. I called the doctor when I had the fluttering the first time…he said it was probably anxiety, or due to my blood pressure and the next day he checked on it at my appointment and said everything was fine…just another weird pregnancy thing."

"What about the swelling?" he asked. "I'm worried about that. Sometimes…" he sighed, shaking his head and unsure if he should continue.

"What?" she asked. "What were you going to say?"

"I'm scared of losing you…" Elliot admitted. "That something is seriously wrong…and…"

"El…" she took his hand, squeezing it tight. "I'm okay…I swear." She looked seriously at him, "This pregnancy has been hard. Probably the hardest thing I've ever done, but I see the doctor every week now and he's sure things are fine. I'm forty-six…the baby has Downs…there's all the extra fluid…I'm gonna look and feel like hell." She gave a weak smile, running her fingers through Noah's hair and watching him color a second page with his purple crayon, "But in the end, it's going to be worth it." She glanced back up at Elliot, "I can't believe I am going to have two kids of my very own…"

He smiled, "_Our_ very own." He leaned over and kissed her, letting his hand rest on her stomach. "You have to share them you know."

"Okay…" she laughed, "I'm glad I get to share them with you." She sighed, "That's all I've ever wanted, you know…the whole time I've known you."

"I know," he admitted. "I always knew." He rubbed his hand, gently over her white cotton shirt. "I'm sorry it took so long."

"Dada…" Noah handed him his purple crayon and looked pleadingly at him. "You color…" Elliot turned the page in the coloring book, and worked as hard as he could at coloring in a flower on the page. Then Noah picked up the yellow and handed it to Olivia, "Here Mama…color…" He grabbed the green crayon for himself, scribbling happily across the page.


End file.
